Tuesday, May 31, 2011

So I have a new goal to work toward.  Concerts.  I want to go see Seether, Three Days Grace, and (if they actually play this year) Theory of a Dead Man.  I want to be 110 by then.  It's about 2 weeks away.  And I'll need to at least maintain for like 4 days.  I'm hoping to lose more.  Food will be expensive and not so good.  I'm hoping to only eat twice a day during that week because you gotta be at the gates around 4 or 5 if you want a good spot.  So I will be eating like a brunch and supper or breakfast and a linner.  Something along those lines.

I consumed 910 calories yesterday.  No idea how many were burned.

I'm out of diet pop and I'm out of flavored water.  I can drink regular water or tea for 0 cal drinks now.  Kinda saddening.  Oh well.

Another QuickTrim pill today.  The one yesterday made me feel sick after like 5 or 10 minutes.  So I had to eat and didn't get to burn nearly as many calories as I wanted.  I ate an apple and felt better.  Technically, I'm supposed to wait 30 minutes before I eat once I take it.  It's like that with most if not all diet pills but I can't.  I'm going to guess that my stomach just can't handle it.  It's suggested that the pill is taken and then exercise and then eat but I can't manage to do that.  But once I ate yesterday I wasn't all that hungry for the rest of the day and I'm hoping that it boost my metabolism like it says it will.
So Skinny Legs, I haven't taken it enough to know if it works well, but I paid like $25 for the pills so I'm going to take them until I've given them a fair chance.  After I eat I feel pretty much fine so I can workout after I eat.  I'm hoping that my body get used to them and that in like a week I won't feel sick anymore.  The QuickTrim is supposed to suppress appetite and boost metabolism and give you energy (caffeine) and a bunch of stuff.  I'm willing to eat breakfast sooner than I would like if I lose weight quicker.  
And I didn't want to have to get married and keep it a secret.  I wanted to wait to get married and I wanted him to at least meet my parents before I married him.  He backed out of that last minute and things were bad from almost the beginning.  But I thought I loved him and I wasn't ready to never see him again.  If he didn't get married he would get deported back to Africa because he is from there.  I wish I could have had like an actual wedding and celebrated and everything but D didn't want anyone to know.  He kept promising that once he got his "permanence" as he called it he would get a good job and go to college and get his masters degree and we would have a good life and everything would fall into place and he said we would have a "grand" wedding.  Before I got married it sounded fine but now it doesn't.  I don't want to have a wedding after I'm already married.  I don't see the point.  It's just a waste of money and he seems to think that everything is going to be sooo much easier than it is.  If it was so easy why hasn't he already had his permanence and gotten his masters or at least working on it.  Because it's not easy.  I'm going to stop because I will go into a never-ending D rant.  I think I answered your questions

Ok so my dad left (finally) so I get to weigh myself.
I weigh 117-ish.

Texted with J last night.  Started out about whether I could get a divorce without anyone finding out or not and it turned into I can do anything stupid I want as long as I have fun.  But not cutting or OD'ing or anything along those lines.  I don't cut for fun but getting high can be but I'm afraid of getting high and ending up in the hospital again.  So he said ohh cmon {Kes}, would you not do those? For me?  and I said I suppose I could and then to repay me he has to get me drunk when he comes back and I think he wanted me to ask for sex?  Either way we are supposed to have sex when he comes back.  I can't tell if he likes me or just wants to be friends with benefits or what.  It was kinda weird because he had implied sex but wouldn't say it.  He said think more primal.  And I think he thought that I didn't ask for sex because I was married.  Or maybe he thought I didn't want to with him?  I'm not sure what he was thinking but he said well what do you want? Ik there's some things I guess I can't do b/c you're married.  So I'm guessing he thought that I didn't ask for sex because I'm married?  I'm not sure.  I just know I like him a lot more than I want to.  I miss him.  I haven't seen him for like a year and a half?  Last 2 times I saw him we had sex and I was dating my daughter's dad at that point.  Yeah I'm kind of a whore...Not bad.  I cheat is more like it.  I like texting J.  He's sweet and I had a little smile last night the whole time we were texting.  I think J likes me but I just wish I knew for sure.  

I think I've rambled enough.  QuickTrim and eat and exercise and maybe go fill out some job apps later?


It's the bad time of the month.  :(  At least I don't have the completely uncomfortable feeling this time.  And I'm not looking/feeling bloated so it's not that bad.  Hopefully I don't jinx myself and cause myself discomfort/crampiness/bloatedness.  And I haven't felt sick from the QuickTrim yet today.  I showered and I've had tea so I haven't been doing much.  I think I'll do a little exercising though.  Mostly crunches and things like that.  My tummy looks fairly flat for weighing 117.  :)  I've been doing a lot of ab exercises.

Monday, May 30, 2011

I'm not sure were to start.  My dad is here so I haven't been able to weigh myself.  I hope he leaves for some reason or goes outside and does something so I can weigh myself.  I woke up at 7:50-7:55-ish this morning.  I was expecting to wake up at 7.  Since today most likely will be uneventful it really doesn't matter.  I just normally wake up closer to 7.  But I'm usually asleep before midnight.  I was laying in bed away for 3 hours.  I was too hot and not comfortable and blah, blah, blah.  And I was texting a little.  Mostly J but I sent D like 2 texts and he sent me like 2 texts.  I quit texting because my phone told me the battery was low.  My parents would have killed me for going downstairs at midnight to charge my phone so I turned it off.  So my phone is charging now.  And I'm going to take the QuickTrim today.  Like real soon I'll take it.  I need to exercise pretty soon after taking it so that I can get that done before I feel sick.  I'm only taking one so I may not feel sick this time but just in case I want to exercise and eat when I get done.  I'm supposed to be on a low carb diet while taking them but I'm going to do low sugar.  Fiber is a carb and I would like to have a decent amount of fiber to keep me full and such.  My fat jeans are fairly loose.  About like normal now.  To think they used to fit when I was in high school. Maybe I am thinner than I think.  My body looks completely different now that I've had a baby though.  My belly fat just wants to hang over.  I want a flat tummy.  I want a thigh gap.  I will get it.  I have two female cousins who are super skinny.  Like size 0 or 00 jeans skinny.  One is about my height and one is a little taller.  Super skinny.  Like thinspo skinny.  I was wondering at first if maybe either of them had an ED.  Like they are both probably underweight but then watching how much they would eat I'm guessing they have like super metabolisms and one of them (maybe both?) smokes.  So maybe she/they only eat 2 or 3 times a day and maybe they are fairly active.  I just wish I was that skinny.  I should tell you how I saw my cousins yesterday.  My goal had been to eat as little as possible.  It rained a lot.  My uncle was supposed to have a cookout.  I forgot about it and thought it would be cancelled.  Nope.  He had it and my options were go or spend the day with my mother at home.  So I went.  And was forced to eat.  So I had a cheeseburger and some macaroni and cheese and some fruit salad stuff.  So I had a lot of calories yesterday.  And that cookout was soooo fucking boring.  Awkward conversations with family I rarely see and since I rarely see them there is nothing to really talk about.  I spent about 3 hours listening to my dad, one of my uncles, and my step-uncle (he is my aunt's second husband and I refuse to give him the label of uncle because I don't like him - he's just weird and never listens or remembers anything and don't even get me started on his kids....) talk about golf and trucks and fixing trucks and cleaning pheasants.  I wanted to walk home but I didn't want to be rude and I didn't want to be the first to leave.  So I ate too many calories yesterday, but I'm hoping that today I can do a lot better.  And I'm pretty sure that is all of yesterday's happenings.
And now to respond to Gianna - I do live with my parents.  My parents don't know I'm married.  D (my husband - obviously knows) and J are the only people I know personally who know I'm married.  Most don't even know that I was ever dating D or anything.  D doesn't want anyone to know we are married.  He would kill me if he knew J knew.  But I know J wouldn't tell anyone because that would create drama and J hates drama.

Ok so I'm not going to be able to weigh myself.  I doubt it anyway.  Time for a QuickTrim pill and cleaning and then some food.


Sunday, May 29, 2011

Made a post. Published it.  Deleted it.  Why?  Because my mother just really fucking pissed me the fuck off.  I ate like a cow yesterday (2300-ish calories) but because I am pissed, my original plan of 600 or less calories has been changed to very fucking little.  I plan on eating maybe 200 calories and drinking a lot of tea and other 0 cal drinks.  And burning a shit ton of calories.  And even though I ate like a cow yesterday, I am down a pound.  I weigh 116.5-ish.  I'm hoping to be 115 or less tomorrow.  I should be able to.  And then I can start QuickTrim tomorrow.  I want to weigh 113 or less by Friday.  Friday is competition weigh-in day and D is supposed to be coming back.  So I want to be as close to skinny as I can be.  I want D to wish he never turned into such an inconsiderate asshole.  I want him to wish that he had never gone away.  I want him to wish that I still loved him instead of hating him.  And that would put me on track to be 102-ish lbs when J comes.  I would just have to lose 2 lbs a week every week until he comes.  That's almost 100 lbs.  I could probably get down to 100 lbs by then if I can get down to 115 tomorrow and 113 by Friday.  I'm hoping to have a flat tummy around 107 lbs.  Hopefully I can have a flat tummy before that.  I've been doing a bunch of ab exercises.  I hope that helps.  I need to have something to focus on.  Something achievable.  I guess losing weight is the only thing that I have right now.  Must lose weight.  Must become skinny and beautiful and perfect.  Then everything else will come sooo much easier.  Jobs that work with the public want pretty people not ugly people.  Pretty people are more confident because they know they are pretty.  I want to be able to get a job without much trouble.  I have a lot of trouble right now.  I'm not pretty.  I just need to lose weight and I can be pretty and then I will be confident and then I can get a job.  I just have to lose 10 lbs and I'll be almost there.  Then I can get a job and lose the rest of the weight and everything will work out.  I might actually be happy for once if I can lose the weight and get a job.  I want to be happy.  Skinny is one step closer to happy.  I'll take and post picture when I am down to 115 or less.


Saturday, May 28, 2011

More followers!  XD  Blogger won't let me see who you are though.  :(  You should comment and let me know. :)

Net from yesterday - 90

Today's weight - 117.5-ish (down 1.5-ish lbs)

I texted J and told him that I married D.  I think J knows just about everything.  He doesn't know about the blog, but he knows about my ED and that I have diet pills that I plan on taking and pretty much everything.  I had told J about my ED back when we dated but my ED wasn't too bad.  I mainly purged to maintain my weight.  I think I was 120-123 back then.  He's also known about my cutting since we dated.  But anyway, back to being married to D.  Now someone I know personally knows I'm married.  J said to divorce D.  That's what I want.  J + exercising made me feel better.  My muscles got sore.  It felt good.  The pain lasts longer than cutting.  I like the pain from excessive ab exercising.  I think I may end up addicted to exercising, which is not a bad thing.  I kind of want to be 100 lbs when J comes back but I know it would piss him off.  That would also mean losing more than 2 lbs a week.  I'm ok with losing more than 2 lbs a week, but it's just hard for me to do.  My plan for today (not in order): clean my room (put away clothes, organize, rearrange things, change the sheets on my bed, ect), paint the flower pots for my orchids, take the dog for a walk, do some yoga poses, do some more exercising (hopefully burn 450+ calories today), and maybe wash some laundry.  And of course, eat as little as possible.  I want a net of 200 or less today.  I should be able to do that.  I managed to have a net of 90 yesterday. And my parents went to yardsales and then I think they are going back to town later so I'm hoping to be home alone quite a bit today so I'll have plenty of time to not eat and to exercise.  Ok, time to take the dog for a walk.

 And I'm switching to morning posts because I feel like it.


Friday, May 27, 2011

Calories consumed:
cereal - 85
animal crackers - 15
sugar-free caramel - 45
Fuze - 20
cookie - 50
tv dinner - ~200 (didn't eat it all)
vitamins - 15
more animal crackers - 65
another cookie - 50

Total consumed - 545

Calories burned:
3 mile walk @ 4 mph - 200
hiking - 75

Total burned - 275

Net - 270

I plan on doing a lot of crunches and things yet.  D has really pissed me off.  I've been crying a lot and don't really want to get into it.  I need pain.  So I'm going to try exercising and hopefully my muscles will burn and that pain will be good enough.  I'm think an hour of exercise would do me good.  45 minutes of moderate calisthenics burns 175 calories so I'll do at least 45 minutes worth and hopefully I can do an hour.  An hour would burn 233-ish giving me a net of 37-ish.  If I do 45 minutes I'll have a net of 95.  Sounds good to me.  I'll try to keep my intensity higher so I'll burn more.  I would love to be in the negatives.  Ok time to exercise.

D pissed me off last night.  I want a divorce.  I don't want to talk to him at all.  Normally we get in a fight and about 1 hr later I want to talk to him.  This time I don't.  I'm kinda almost too depressed to eat.  I hope it stays that way because if I switch to being depressed and willing to eat, I will devour anything and everything I find.  Hot fudge and ice cream, cake, chocolate chips, chips, ect, ect.  I will end up gaining like 5 more pounds in 36 hours again.  I'm going to Iowa later.  I want to go to the park and take some pictures maybe.  I was also going to get some food.  Low-cal whatever for lunch.  I plan on walking quite a bit today.  I'll probably leave around lunch time so I can "eat lunch" in Iowa.  And I will just so happen to not eat lunch.  I'm questioning whether or not I should take a diet pill this morning.  I'll probably wait until Monday.  I think I will wait.  Then I can hopefully weigh myself Monday and then see how much weight I lose in a week.  I'm hoping that tomorrow I am back to 117.  I weighed in at 119 this morning.  It kind of gives me hope.  It was something other than 120.  I'm hoping to burn off 500+ calories today.   I've been texting J.  I can't tell if is just flirty with every girl or what.  He cares about me for whatever reason.  And he is quite flirty.  He thinks I should just lose weight by exercise.  Right...  More like I'll lose weight with diet/restricting, exercise, diet pills, purging in certain cases, and possibly a few other ways that I can't think of.  I doubt I will get to the point where I swallow cotton balls.  I don't plan on going that crazy.  I also have a feeling that cotton balls would have quite a few calories.... Anyway J seems to think that I have a lot more sense than I actually do.  Either that or he doesn't want to accept the fact that I have problems.  Probably a little of both.  I should stop before I go off on a complete tangent about J.  I'm already half way there.  But sometimes I wonder if I should trust J or if I maybe told him too much.  I have no reason not to trust him.  He's kept his mouth shut about a lot of things.  I should stop.  I've got a lot of things running through my head and I'm questioning  whether I should let J know more that he already does or not.  But I think he knows too much anyway.  There's a cookout at my uncle's house Sunday if it doesn't rain.  Not excited at all.  May or may not go.  I hope it rains.  I'm too fat to have to eat a fatty hamburger.  And I'm sure there will be cupcakes or brownies or cookies or pie.  Probably a lot of desserts.  My family likes desserts.  I think I should get dressed and take the Chunky dog for a walk.  3 miles in 45 minutes = 200 cal burned.  And I've had 0 cal so far.  But it's not quite 9 am.  I've only been up for about an hour.  1/2 serving of cereal when I get back I think.  85 cal.  Sounds good to me.


Thursday, May 26, 2011

More followers!  :)
I didn't post yesterday because I didn't know what to say and I didn't want to have to put you all through another one of my depressed/angry ranting posts.  And it was also stormy/tornado-y so I kinda turned off my computer for a while.  Then went out to eat because it was my dad's birthday.  And at like 9:45 at night my grandma (mom's mom) calls.  She thought her eye was bleeding or something?  Not sure.  I was trying to sleep.  So my mom had to be woken up and take my grandma to the hospital.  And yeah.... My grandma had just had cataract surgery like the day before.  And I guess one of the veins/blood vessels or something like that broke.  So my mom is now taking a nap because she still had to be at woke at 5 am today.  And I got into a fight with D yesterday.  And I'm still pissed at him.  He got to experience his first tornado last night.  He was a complete asshole on the phone when I had called him and tried to tell him that a tornado would be there and that he should find a place to go.  But he was an asshole so I just hung up and cried.  J texted me yesterday morning (1am morning) and I've sorta been texting him.  I still weigh 120.  FatFatFat.  I took Chunky for a short walk earlier.  It was too cold and wet for a long walk.  A cold, wet dog is a whiny dog.  And no one wants to listen to a whiny dog.  I've been drinking black cherry flavored water.  It makes me have to pee a lot.  But it's keeping me from eating.  I've had Slimfast (200-ish) and yogurt (80-ish) and 2 animal crackers (16-ish).  My supper will probably be pasta (120) with some marinara sauce (40) if things work out as planned.  I've done a little cleaning.  Not much.  Might do some more later.  I think I'll look up some yoga poses and try them and do a shit ton of crunches and some squats and whatever else I feel like doing.  Tomorrow I might go to Iowa and buy some healthy food and go to the park and such.  At the very least I will take Chunky for a walk.  A long walk.  3 miles.  Maybe longer.  Or I'll take him on more than one walk.  Or I might go running.  Chunky might like running.  I'm hoping to keep my intake under 800 today.  I've got about 500 cal left so it shouldn't be a problem.  But I may not be able to weigh myself as often anymore.  I weigh myself every weekday and on weekends if I'm home alone.  I only weigh myself when I'm home alone.  And the school my dad teaches at just has a short day left.  The kids just have to go get their report cards and are gone 15 min later.  So my dad will be around more.  I'm hoping he will be working at the auction more so I can get a chance to weigh myself.  I need to be able to weigh myself at least 2x a week.  Otherwise I'll go insane.  It seems like I'm forgetting to say something, but whatever it is I'm sure it can wait.  I must go wake up my mother now.


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Salt water doesn't taste too well.  It made me want to puke but I kept it all down.  Did not go how I expected.  I was starting to think it didn't work.  It took about 1 1/2 hours for it to work.  And I didn't lose any weight.  Laxatives would probably be better.  Maybe I should have drank more salt water.  I doubt I would have been able to keep it down though.  My stomach felt like it was going to explode from all of the liquid in it as it was.  Maybe more salt.  I had no stomach cramps or anything like that.  I doubt I will do it again.  Maybe if I lived on my own.  I was wondering if it would all be over before my mom got home.  Luckily my mom went to do some stuff after work.  It took about 5 1/2 - 6 hours for it to be all done with.  I didn't really need to stay close to the bathroom the whole time.  Form what I had read it sounded like I was going to have to be.  But I'm guessing I didn't get enough salt.  I had like a tablespoon of salt in it.  I also drank the water through a straw.  I like straws and drink everything through a straw if possible.  And the straw helped because you can put the straw farther in your mouth so you won't have to taste as much of the salt water.  After I drank the salt water I weighed myself and was 121.  I weighed myself like 3 times and the lowest I saw was 120.  No loss.  I started eating before it was all over.  I thought it was all over but it wasn't and I couldn't exactly stand not eating.  And I'm going to blame the salt water for me eating too much today.  Because I've had enough blame on myself and it's time someone/something else took the blame.  I think I need to start eating something healthy and filling in the morning.  Something with protein.  I have to go out to eat again tomorrow.  And bake a cake.  More cake.  Great.  So tomorrow will be another fat day.  I'm hoping I can manage to stay under 1500 calories tomorrow.  I'm just hoping to not gain.  I feel huge.  My normal pants are kind of tight.  I don't like it.  I haven't done nearly enough exercising.  I need to exercise more.  I think I will when I'm done writing/typing this.  500 crunches.  50 lunges each leg.  25 squats.  10 push ups.  25 hip raises.  25 leg lifts each leg.  Then hopefully repeat.  I have to get my dad a birthday present yet.  I have no idea what to get him.  What do you get a high school science teacher who spends his free time working at an auction house or on eBay?  My mom said to get him underwear.  Are you fucking kidding me?!  I am not buying my dad underwear.  That's awkward and I have no idea what kind he wears.  I guess I'll just have to get him a shirt or something.  Shirts are nowhere near as awkward as underwear.  I have to find out what my sister got him though.  I don't want to get him a shirt if she got him a shirt.  Enough writing/typing.  I'll end up in another depressed rant if I continue.

    I'm going to try the salt water cleanse.  I'm hoping it works and that I don't end up puking.  And that the cleansing doesn't take forever.  I weigh the same as yesterday.  120.  I was hoping for a loss.  But no.  I mean I ate maybe 1000 calories yesterday.  It was more than I wanted to but it wasn't that many.  Compared to what I ate over the weekend I should have lost.  Anyway.  Time to chug some salt water.  I'll post later.  I was just posting to let you know that I was doing this.  Don't really know how it will go or anything.  But hopefully I'll lose something from this.


    Monday, May 23, 2011

    I think that bonfire thing I was going to go to was last night.  I kinda feel bad about not going/being there, but the weekend was too stressful and tiring.  I've been depressed all day.  And the worst phrase to ever say to someone is "It's not that bad".  A good phrase to say would be "Life could always suck more".   I just want to shoot people when they tell me "It's not that bad"  like how the fuck do you know?  But if they say "Life could always suck more" or something to that effect, my response is how.  And then the person is required to start listing reasons on how it could be worse.  Any way I've been depressed and I've wanted to cry about 100 times today and I did a few times.  I feel very unloved and worthless and everything.  Nothing has gone the way I wanted it to.  I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get the housekeeping job I wanted.  Or any job ever for that matter.  All because of my fucking last name and those damn questionnaires on job apps.  I can't ever answer the questions right so no one hires me or even gives me an interview.  I just need to fucking die.  I'm fat and worthless.  No one gives a fuck about me.  But I'm too fat to want to die yet.  I want to die, but I don't want everyone thinking how fat I was when I died and how gross I look and everything like that.  I want everyone to think about how thin I was and how it's a shame that I'm dead because I was so beautiful.  I weighed 120 this morning.  Fuck me.  Fat, pathetic, and worthless.  Who gains 5 lbs in 48 hours?  Fatass me.  That's who.  I'm just a fucking fatass.  I've eaten a lot more than I should have today.  I should have fasted until supper.  But no.  I have to fucking eat breakfast and lunch and snacks.  Fat, pathetic, worthless.  I'm too fat to take my diet pills.  I won't allow myself to waste them on fat that I shouldn't have allowed myself to gain.  If I had on;y gained 2 lbs I would take them.  But I gained 5.  I won't allow myself to take them until I'm down to 117 or less.  Probably less.  I was 115.  I would like to get back down to 115 before I start taking them again.  I can't allow myself to gain.  I wish I would get sick with something so that I don't want to eat or I puke or something so I lose weight.  D is supposed to come back in less than 2 weeks.  I wanted to be less than 110 by then.  I have about 11 days to lose 10 lbs.  I doubt my fatass can.  Unless 5 lbs magically disappear.  But my sister is coming over either tomorrow or Wednesday.  And my dad's birthday is Wednesday.  And everyone is going out to eat for my dad's birthday so I will have to eat high calorie food then.  And more that I want to.  And I'll only gain more weight.  I need to start purging or something to get this shit under control.  I'm such a failure.  I hate being this fat.  I have to wear my fat pants again.  I was wanting to be able to get rid of them all in a week or so.  Obviously I can't.  I'm a fucking failure.  I hate life.


    Sunday, May 22, 2011

    This could result in TMI - I was thinking about doing the salt water cleanse in the morning but I don't want to be on the toilet when my mom gets home from work.  So if I do it at 8 am and my mom gets home at 1 pm - 5 hours later, would the cleansing be over with?  Does anyone have any idea?  I feel excessively huge because I have 6 lbs worth of food sitting in my digestive track.  There's no way I ate enough calories to gain 6 lbs of fat in less than 48 hours.  And I really doubt my body would be able to convert all of the food to fat that quick.  Maybe 1 or 2 lbs but not 6.
    Another day of way too much food.  I am done eating though.  There's only a 20% chance of rain tomorrow, so I think I'll go to a lake and then go to a park and take pictures and not eat and walk around in the afternoon.  I'm hoping to get called for an interview.  I would like to have an interview tomorrow so I can go and do all of these things and avoid food and do a lot of walking and such.  I don't plan on taking the AM pill unless I weigh less than 118 tomorrow.  It's possible, but very, very unlikely.  If all goes well and I go to the park and lake and such I may post pictures granted I have time to get them on my computer.  I'm hoping my last name doesn't keep me from getting the housekeeping job I want.  I have experience housekeeping and everything.  It pays good.  $9.10/hr + tips.  It's in Iowa where minimum wage is $7.25/hr.  In IL where I live, minimum wage is $8.25/hr.  So it would probably be worth the drive.  If I can, I would like to move over there and eventually save up enough money to move far away.  I would like to be at least a 60 minute drive from my parents.  I hate my mother.  Plain and simple.  No I don't love her at all.  Don't tell me that I do love her.  But yeah, I would like to move far away.  I like Colorado.  I would like to move back there.  Or a place similar?  I don't know of anywhere similar though.  I looove Denver.  I love everything about it.  So I basically need to get a job that will allow me to save money.  The housekeeping job would definitely allow me to save up money.  Especially since I have my hospital bills paid off.  Over $10,000 in debt.  And none was covered by my out-of-state medicaid.  If you ever plan on OD'ing do so in the state you live in.  There's a better chance of your insurance covering the hospital bills.  Or at least part of it.  And ever since I have been afraid to take my anxiety meds.  I get anxiety about taking meds for anxiety so I just quit taking them.  I was too freaked out that I would accidentally (as in get too high and not recall) taking even more than I intended to.  I only planned on taking 8.  Apparently I took about 45.  Long story...  Anyway, housekeeping burns calories and is an ok workout so I would like to do it again for weightloss reasons and money reasons.  I need to get my weight on track.  I don't want to work fast-food because fast-food jobs are shitty.  Housekeeping sucks, but it pays better (sometimes).  I have this plan to get me back on track.  Tomorrow I will eat 850 calories and Tuesday 750, Wednesday 650, Thursday 550, Friday 450, and Saturday and Sunday I am allowed 1,000 calories.  Then every weekday after that I am allowed 700 calories and on weekends I am allowed 1000 calories.  Once I get a job I may change things.  But this is how I plan it for now.  I'll try to follow it anyway.  I may not be able to.  Actually I probably won't be able to.  We shall see.  I'm trying to get somewhat caught up on blogs.  I'll put more effort into that later tonight and tomorrow.  Probably start commenting again tomorrow.


    To respond to Anon - It's a long story on why she doesn't live with me but the short version would be - I didn't want to have a baby to begin with (she was an accident) and I would have had an abortion, but her dad wanted to keep her.  He wanted his baby so I kept her for him.  He was always working and I couldn't handle raising a baby I wasn't ready for.  I was 18 and I was forced to grow up to fast as it was and already having depression I just became even more depressed and couldn't handle it.  I was always fighting with her dad with he was around and things were bad.  Not a good environment for a baby.  We also had dogs.  And they ended up getting fleas and I didn't want my daughter around while we tried to get rid of them.  I started to be less depressed and everything.  And she just stayed with her grandma (her dad's mom) until we (my ex and I) moved out.  I don't really miss her when she's away from me much.  I miss her once in a while.  Like when she took her first steps I kind of wished I had been there, but it didn't bother me too long.  Her dad loves her more and wanted her.  He should get to be the one to be there for things like that.  And yes I worry about my daughter picking up my eating habits.  But if you read the posts from around the times when she's over, you will probably notice that I eat more.  Or I feel like I eat more.  I want her to grow up with healthy eating habits.  I don't want her to end up with and ED.  I also don't want her to grow up with over-weight parents.  I'm not over-weight and her dad isn't either.  I want any future kids that I may have (starting to change my mind about having more kids in the future) to grow up happy and healthy and normal.  I never got to join certain sports or anything and I think it contributed to my depression (lack of friends and social interaction) and my not so healthy weight and unhealthy eating habits.  I hope that answered your questions.  If not just tell me what I didn't answer and I'll try to answer.
    My daughter has gone home.  I'm tired and pissed/depressed.  My mother has been yelling at me all day.  Don't ask.  Not like anyone would.  I've been dying to cut.  I've been wanting to kill myself.  I've cried and I want to cry some more.  I'm fat and I feel disgusting.  I weigh 121.  I gained 6 pounds in 2 days.  Is that possible?  Apparently so.  I'm going to have to really restrict to get back down to 115.  Although I'm pretty sure laxatives would do wonders.  I don't have any though.  PM diet pill tonight and tomorrow night and Tuesday I'll start the AM ones.  Hopefully I can get everything back on track.  Not feeling optimistic or anything.  I'm mostly too tired.  And yeah...  Not in the mood to talk/type/write... So to answer a question:

    Chubby bunny is a game.  Everyone takes turns saying "chubby bunny" and after the person says it, they put one of the big marshmallows in their mouth.  And then everyone keeps saying chubby bunny and putting marshmallows in their mouths and when a person can't clearly say chubby bunny they lose.  The person who lasts the longest wins.  And the marshmallows start getting all gooey and squishy in your mouth and you start drooling and it's gross.  You aren't allowed to chew the marshmallows or tear them into pieces to make them fit better either.   That's about the best I can explain it.  If you want to know more just google the words chubby bunny and there should be several websites with the rules and such.


    Saturday, May 21, 2011

    I've eaten way too much food today.  Lunch was a major binge.  Once I got to eat anyway.  I had to feed my daughter.  A one year old and a restaurant-like place (buffet) is not the  best combination.  She doesn't want to sit still and eat.  She wants to play with everything she can get her hands on.  Yeah...  So everyones eating (except for me) and I'm just getting annoyed.  I don't like having her over too much because I'm stuck taking care of her on my own 99.95% of the time.  And I'm not the one who wanted to have her come over.  So that sucked.  So I could have probably gotten by eating a normal amount except there wasn't very much food to choose from.  I hate the buffet place we went to because it has such a shitty selection.  There's a very small selection of fruits and veggies.  Everything else is drowned in some sort of high calorie sauce or fried or covered in cheese or just plain high in calories.  So I ate whatever looked decent.  And to prevent questions I eat what I normally would have if I didn't care about my weight.  And I felt like my stomach was going to explode by the time I finished.  I would have purged if I could have.  I didn't because 1) I didn't have anything with my to help (although I might not have needed anything) 2) I didn't have anything to keep my hair out of the way 3) I would have been in the bathroom too long and saying I had to shit would have been awkward and possibly caused my parents to ask questions because my sister always had to go to the bathroom after eating when she had her ulcers and 4) my face would have ended up red and my eyes blood shot and that would have caused questions too.  So yeah.  And I still feel full.  I feel like if I went to purge now I would have food from lunch come up even though that was like 8 hours ago.  My stomach and intestines have been wondering what happened for the past 8 hours.  They don't know how to handle that much food.  My plan for tomorrow though is yogurt for breakfast and lunch and then cake (no ice cream) and then supper will probably be fend for yourself/leftovers so I will try to get by with cereal and maybe broccoli and hopefully I won't eat anything else.  Hopefully tomorrow will be less than 750.  I'll take the PM diet pill tomorrow night and probably take the AM one Monday morning.  I may wait until Tuesday morning though.  If I really screw up tomorrow and eat a shit ton I won't take the AM one Monday because I want my stomach and intestines and everything on track and ready to lose weight.  I'm hoping everything works out well.  I weighed 115 this morning.  Right now thought I probably weigh about 120.  I feel like I have 5 lbs of food sitting in me waiting to be digested.  And stored as fat.  Although it may all have been turned into fat already.  I'm bloated as hell though.  Speaking of hell, the world didn't end.  Big surprise.  Either that or I've lived in hell for about 2 hours.  And so has everyone else.  Don't know of anyone who has magically disappeared and gone to heaven.  So yeah.  I'm hoping that on Monday I don't weigh more than 117.  If I take the diet pills Monday I will take them once I'm ready to go out the door for a walk and maybe take a small baggy of cereal with me or something in case I start feeling sick.  I've been pissed/depressed most of the day.  But that's just what always happens when my mom wants my daughter to come over.  Like my parents want to see her, but they don't want to do anything to help out ever.  I get that she's my daughter and the whole "my responsibility" thing, but I'm not the one who asked for her to come over.  Therefore I should not have to do 99.95% of the work.  Besides that, I'm still expected to wash dishes, do laundry, make supper, entertain the animals (feed them, take them outside, play with them) just as much as I am if my daughter isn't here.  So it's waaayyyy too much stress for me.  And D seems to think that I should be able to text/talk on the phone at the same time.  And if I say I'm busy, he won't say anything like call/text me when you're less busy.  It's what are you doing and why and a million other questions.  Seriously?!  As if things aren't hard enough.  I haven't heard from J since the 16th.  Sort of bothers me sort of doesn't.  I know it was the 16th because no one texts me that often.  I have the last text from him in my inbox yet.  No I'm not a psychotic person who remembers it because I'm some psycho stalking freak.  I want J to talk to me so I can sort of get my ED somewhat under control.  He's the only one who has ever seemed to care and I trust him more anyone that I personally know.  I would trust a complete stranger more as long as I knew that I would never see them again.  Well, it would kinda depend.  If I told a stranger that I had an ED and they reacted well (or what I consider well) I would possibly want to keep in contact with them.  Or I may not.  It all depends.  Randomness - my mother saw a baby robin earlier and made me take pictures of it.  It was weird looking.  Kinda ugly, yet kinda cute.  I need to take a melatonin so I can sleep tonight.  I didn't last night and spent most of the night away.  Now I have energy though.  And now isn't a good time for energy.  I am however in a mood to ramble.  Which I have successfully done.  Although I am running out of things to ramble about that anyone might find remotely entertaining.  So I think it is time for melatonin.  Thinking about taking two...  And hopefully sleep soon.  Maybe...


    ~~~Monday - must exercise and kick ass doing so - CANNOT be 116 again on Friday - MUST be less that 115.
    This will be fairly quick.  I'm not going to take the diet pills this weekend because I don't want to start feeling sick and actually end up sick and be too busy to eat/go puke.  I didn't take the PM one last night either.  I'll take a PM one Sunday night and start again with the AMs on Monday morning.  I may or may not be able to weigh this weekend.  I have taken diet pills before.  I've taken Stacker II and III and Slim Quick and another one (Lipo 6 maybe? - I don't remember) and none of those ever cause problems like making me feel sick like the QuickTrim did.  And I will probably not get a chance to read too many blogs.  The few I do get a chance to read I probably won't comment on.  In case you were wondering, my grandma is 80.  I'm hoping that I get called Monday and get an interview scheduled.  Monday night there is a bonfire I am planning on going to.  But it's at 7:30 at night so I can probably get away with not eating much.  I'll tell my parents I plan on eating there and tell everyone there I already ate but to be nice I will do a little snacking.  I know how many calories are in chips and such.  I'm hoping no once notices my lack of eating.  Usually everyone plays capture the flag.  I really hope chubby bunny isn't played.  So I'll update later maybe and Sunday night I will post.  Monday I probably start the post before I leave and finish it after I get back.  I would like to put pictures on it, but I may not be able to.  Ok I think that is all of the important happenings.  If I don't end up posting one or more days.  I fell asleep most likely.  


    Friday, May 20, 2011

    More followers! :)
    Ok so seriousness-
    This weekend has the possibility of being very hectic.  My daughter is coming over and my family is celebrating my grandma's (my mom's mom's) birthday.  By celebrating I mean we are going out to lunch (my grandma and uncle hate driving at night) tomorrow and then Sunday (I think) will be cake and ice cream.  So I will most likely binge at lunch (not going to be able to purge - I would if I could) and I'm hoping my mom decides to make a cake I won't like so I can get away with just the ice cream.  I may be too busy to post tomorrow.  Or I may do a short post.  Or I may do a normal one if my daughter falls asleep at a decent time (like 8-8:30).  Pictures aren't happening today.  Maybe Monday (depending on what is going on).

    Woke up and went back to sleep.  Woke up again.  Like 8:30.  I actually managed to sleep later than 7:30?!  Well that ruined my original plans for the day.  I had been wanting to be up at 7:30 and weigh myself and take the diet pills and take the dog for a walk and weigh myself again.  And then write some stuff down on 1 piece of paper (I had it written on like 3) and eat a little something and go to Iowa.  Well I wake up weigh myself.  116.  Sad, but I guess after like 2000 calories yesterday, it could have been worse.  I ate again after I posted yesterday.  So I look through this little booklet thing that came with the diet pills and then take 2 of the AM ones.  And then I get distracted and I don't even remember what I did.  I might have spent a while trying to figure out what to wear and I decided to try out the eyelines I had bought.  And then I spent like 10 minutes trying to get it off.  My sister's stupid cat would not leave me alone and kept messing with everything.  So after like an hour after I took the pills I feel maybe hungry?  Not sure it was really hunger.  It seemed like something that more water could/would take care of.  So I drink some water.  Should not have drank water.  I want to puke.  Lovely.  I hate puking up pills.  So I go downstairs and eat 4 chocolate animal crackers.  And then I get a yogurt.  And I have to force myself to finish the yogurt, but I manage to.  I go to the bathroom and sit in there.  If I'm going to puke I would at least like to be by the toilet instead of running and hoping I get there on time.  And then after about 5 min I start feeling better.  Then I take the dog for a walk.  A coal train went through town so the walk was longer than I had planned.  And I was sweaty and felt nasty.  Not going anywhere or doing anything until I'm not sweaty and nasty.  Get in a fight with D because he was supposed to call me and didn't.  The stuff I was supposed to put on one paper was so I could fill out a job application.  So I try to figure out what I'm supposed to use for a reason for leaving my housekeeping job.  I had used inconsistent hours on every other job application I filled out, but I couldn't use it.  Because I was applying to be a housekeeper again at a different hotel.  So I had to come up with something else.  So basically it ends up being about 2 pm.  I ate an apple and some grape tomatoes.  And then my mom comes home.  So I get everything straightened out and I leave.  I had wanted to leave by noon.  Obviously didn't happen.  I filled out the application and left.  I wandered around some stores and bought 2 shirts and finger nail polish.  I found the crackle kind.  I bought 2 of those.  Black and silver I think.  And I bought black, silver. and white in regular nail polish.  Then I bought some food.  I had to buy my supper and I bought some Greek yogurt and chicken and broccoli.  I had wanted to go to a park, but there was a chance of rain so I figured I would go there next time I go to Iowa.  I need to take the PM diet pills yet.  I think I'll just take 1.  The difference between the AM and the PM versions - the AM is supposed to boost metabolism, release and burn stored fat, increase energy, keep blood pressure stable, promote mood, and has a lot of antioxidants.  The PM version - is a diuretic, detoxes, and helps remove water weight.  I've had about 850 calories today.  I was hoping for less.  I've been tired all day.  And me tired does not write a very entertaining post.


    Thursday, May 19, 2011

    I have more followers.  I was happier earlier so I should have started writing this earlier.  But now I'm just depressed.  I feel guilty and bad and miserable.  I just ate like 800 calories worth of pizza.  And a brownie.  Another 170 to add on to that.  I also had a large smoothie.  Add on 320.  And cereal and animal crackers and grape tomatoes and yogurt.  It all totals around 1630.  And today isn't over.  I walked about 2.5 miles this morning and went shopping with my mother.  I really want to purge.  I didn't drink anything with the pizza though.  So purging won't work too well.  I may give it a try.  It's only been like 15 min.  I'm depressed and don't really want to say much.  My sister was supposed to be gone last night but when I woke up I saw her car was here.  So I didn't start the diet pills today because they were in the car and I didn't want to wake her up, so I left them in the car for a while.  I had 2 SlimQuick left so I took those.  Then after like 15 min I decided that I could just go to the car and get the other stuff and my sister would sleep through it.  And she slept through it.  I don't know why I thought I would wake her up.  So I will start the QuickTrim tomorrow.  Technically, the QuickTrim I bought is supposed to last me 14 days.  I got two bottles.  On AM version and one PM version.  I'm supposed to take two of each twice a day.  But that seem like a lot.  So I was going to start with two of the AM ones in the morning and two of the PM ones at night.  And then it would last 28 days.  So I will start that tomorrow.  Nothing else I feel like saying.  If I'm in a good mood and I am productive, I will post pictures.  But that requires me to put the pictures on the computer from my camera, which I usually never feel like doing.  I would like to wake up tomorrow weighing the same weight I did this morning.  I weighed 115.  I would like to weigh that again tomorrow.  I was happy this morning but now I just feel guilty.  I also would say a bunch of other stuff but I'm not in the mood.  I think an attempt at purging is in order.


    Wednesday, May 18, 2011

    22 followers!  XD

    I think I'm going to post at night.  It seems like it would be easier that way.  Then I can post calorie totals for the day and not have to have them written else where for me to search for and find in the morning.  Currently I've been using the writing program on my computer.  Works I think.  Doesn't really matter.  I don't really feel like myself right now.  I've had Greek yogurt (160) and 6 grape tomatoes (12.5).  I was going to eat 2 Greek yogurts, but I stopped myself.  I know that would have led into a massive binge.  I didn't eat until about 2:30.  And then I had the tomatoes at 5.  Supper is going to be beef whatever (275-ish) and broccoli (30).  Today should be pretty good.  I've done some walking and carrying of things and I was thinking about taking the little Chunky dog for a walk after supper.  Like 2 miles.  I have taken to retail therapy.  I shouldn't but at least I'm not buying food.  I buy make-up that takes me years to put on.  I took a couple pics of what I looked like with make-up on today.  It took me 50 min to do.  Not good.  So I buy more.  Why?  I like to waste my money on things I will never use in hopes that I will use them.  Better than cookies and chips and ice cream and such things.  I had to buy a different brand of Greek yogurt today.  I wanted honey flavor and didn't want to pay more than $1.  So there were two brands that fit that.  I would always get the one with fewer calories.  Why? Because it has fewer calories.  But there was only one yogurt left of the lower cal brand.  And it had been broke open.  The  broke open part was sneakily hidden in the back.  And there was yogurt on the outside.  And it got on my hand. I was not happy.  I wasn't happy before that.  So I bought the other brand.  20 more calories.  It was good though.  I'm going to have to finish this after supper so if my rambles end up jumbled that's why.  G2G for now.

    I'm back.  Supper was about 250 cals.  Like 50 cal less than I was expecting.  I was rambling about buying things I do believe.  I bought the yogurt and make-up and stuff for my mother.  Rice and mini chocolate chips and cat and dog food and things.  I bought some berry sauce for ice cream.  It's 90 cal for 2 tbsp.  So that's good.  And sugar-free caramel sauce.  Also 90 cals for 2 tbsps.  Also good.  A little sweet when I need it without it being too many calories.  I doubt I will eat 2 tbsp at once.  Like maybe 1 tbsp.  And that was Walmart.  And they were pretty much out of diet pills.  There were like 2 to choose from and like 5 empty spots.  That Walmart sucks in the diet department.  It's a big store but it doesn't have a lot of brands to choose from.  So I went to Target.  They had diet pills.  Like about 10 different ones.  Not the best selection but better than Walmart and cheaper than Walgreens and whatever the vitamin store is in the mall.  If the vitamin store in the mall is still open...  Any way.  I looked at like every one of the diet pills.  The cheapest was like $15.  The most expensive was like $30.  I bought a cheap one.  I got more days worth of pills.  Most of them were take 2 pills 3x a day.  And the bottle had like 30 pills or whatever.  So the bottle would last 15 days or whatever.  Not worth $20-$30.  So the one I bought was take 2 pills 2x a day.  And I got a morning version and a night version.  So it's like a month worth of pills.  It was QuikTrim.  The one Kim Kardashian endorsed.  Kourtney would have been better to endorse it in my opinion but Kourtney had a baby so she probably couldn't.  I wouldn't buy a diet pill endorsed by someone pregnant.  Any way.  I'm going to start using them tomorrow.  I bought melatonin (or whatever it's called) too.  To help me sleep hopefully.  And then I bought some food at HyVee.  I bought apples and flavored water.  And frozen yogurt and ice cream.  The ice cream I prob won't eat and the frozen yogurt I will.  It's raspberry and 100 cals for 1/2 cup.  Not bad.  So shopping was decent I guess.  The interview would have gone really good.  IF I was 21.  I'm not the legal age to sell alcohol.  Therefore I cannot work there.  Why didn't they fucking ask that on the fucking job application?!  Seriously.  I wasted 1 hour of my life taking a math test and filling out papers and answering questions.  AND I wasted hours getting ready.  I could have burned like 500+ cals in that amount of time.  I would much rather have been exercising.  I better wake up lighter tomorrow.  I don't know what's up with D's phone.  His voicemail is now different.  Like the leave a message message is completely different.  I haven't heard from him today.  He was supposed to call me.  I mean there's still time for him too but I'm getting really annoyed.  And I messaged J yesterday like 2x (once to say I had a job interview because I was kinda excited and once to say I was sorry for him having to deal with any part of my weight loss issues).  I haven't heard from him either, but I'm ok with that.  I'm starting to like him less and I think him not messaging me back has something to do with that.  This is long.  Sorry.  Most of this was pointless.  Oh well.  Everyone does in fact have the ability to stop reading this at any time.  I doubt anyone is forcing you to read it all.  Although it might make a good form of torture...  Anyway, I want to burn some calories so I will quit my rambling nonsense.


    ~~ Also, it's nice to know someone thinks something I have done is badass.
    ~~ And nice to know people enjoy my rambling.

    XD <--- Very happy face.
    I have 20 followers!  :)  Yay!  Apparently some people like my rambling nonsense.  Welcomes!

    I sleep like shit most nights.  And I did last night.  Didn't fall asleep until after 11 pm.  And I woke up 2x and woke up around 6 and couldn't go back to sleep.  Anyway it was about 5-6 hours of sleep.  Interview today.  I'm nervous.  I would take one of my anxiety pills since I still have some, but since I may have to do a drug test, I won't.  I don't know if it would show up or not and I don't like taking them since I OD'ed on em.  So I'll just drink a large cup of this tea I have.  It's supposed to be calming but I hate the taste.  It would however keep me from eating.  It will fill me up and after a couple drinks I lose my appetite.  I have to force myself to finish it.  I weighed 117 this morning.  It could be 116.5.  It wasn't quite in the middle where 117 would be.  Either way, I'm not 119 anymore.  I had about 785 cals yesterday.  I'm perfectly ok with that.  It's a little over 750, but not bad.  I ate a lot of grapes and tomatoes.  And broccoli.  I had steak and brownies too.  The brownies were small so they add up to about 250 maybe.  And the steak was about 300 cals.  I was still hungry after I ate it, but I was good and didn't eat any more.  I was thinking about not eating until supper, but I don't want my stomach to growl during the interview, so I'll eat something before I leave.  100 cal or less.  And I'll drink tea.  I really want to be 115 by Friday.  I would love to be 113 by then, but I doubt I will.  I went into the bathroom last night and saw my arms in the mirror like out of the corner of my eye and I think my arms are fairly small.  If the rest of me was just as small I would possibly just start trying to maintain weight.  But then I realized all my weight is at my thighs and hips and stomach.  This morning I looked in the mirror and turned my arms and such and realized they aren't as small as I thought.  I kinda have bingo wings.  My arms look small when they are looked at from the right angle.  I won't be happy weighing 115.  I won't be happy weighing 113.  I don't want to make myself accept it.  Not when I know I can go lower.  107 I might be ok.  I probably won't have the thigh gap that I want.  I think 100 lbs might be right.  The only thing J managed to change was making me realize 90 lbs is maybe too light.  I may go to 99 just to be in the double digits though.  Or go there and then go back to 100 so I can say I've been there.  There meaning 99 lbs.  I'm starting to lose interest in J.  At least for now.  Which is good.  But he will probably kill me when he comes back and I weigh less than 113.  And when I look smaller than I did in high school.  And he would kill me if he knew I had a blog like this.  Actually, everyone I know would.  Except maybe D.  Although he may want to kill me for mentioning I married him and a few other things.  Oh well.  No one has to know....  I need to quit rambling.  I should shower and get ready for my interview.  I suck at putting on make-up.  That alone will take at least 30 min just to do the supposed 5 min face.

    Thank you all for the good luck wishes!  :)


    Tuesday, May 17, 2011

    I try not to post more than once a day but... I have a job interview tomorrow.  Finally.  Just one, but I feel fairly confident.  I mean my problem has always been getting the interview.  My last name is like a curse.  I didn't change my last name when I got married.  I wanted to but D didn't want me to.  He doesn't want anyone to know we are married.  It's complicated.  :/  Anyway I have an interview!  I'm excited.  It's a gas station/convenience store, but it's better than nothing.  I've had about 250 calories so fat today.  I'm hoping to stay under 600.  I will stay under 750.  I would be under 100 if I didn't eat the damn brownie.  I counted it as 170 cal even though I know it's less.  I've done some exercising and I feel pretty good.  I've had like 4 pieces of gum so far today.  I was going to try to lose weight in a healthier manner, but I can't do it.  I don't want to and it's too hard for me to force myself to.  I like the number 750.  So I think I stick to eating around 750 cals a day.  J may not like it but he won't ever have to know.  He doesn't come back for like 2 months and when he does I'll lie and say I weigh more than I do and maybe gain 5 lbs before he comes and then lose it when he leaves.  No problems.  And D doesn't care how much I weigh as long as I'm alive and not in the hospital.  D doesn't care how I lose it.  J would.  I was thinking about going to town and buying some fingernail polish and diet pills.  Fingernail polish because I just like to have it.  If I could ever stop biting my fingernails I would paint them.  I have/had blisters on my feet that aren't completely healed yet so I don't want to paint my toe nails until those are healed.  I painted them one day but took it off the next day.  I didn't like the color.  And now I'm rambling.  I'm in a good mood is why.  And I'm pretty much addicted to Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO.  I've watched it like 10 times today.  I have that song stuck in my head.  I love it.  J has like the same taste in music as me.  I like 98% of the music he likes.  The music D listens to I either hate or it reminds me of the Little Mermaid.  I keep waiting for the crabs to start singing Under the Sea.  And D never understands my reference.  I should quit rambling now.  Good moods do these things to me though.  I may start posting before I go to bed.  I am hoping to maybe post pictures Friday.  Any and all requests are welcome and I will try my best.  Just leave a comment.

    Yesterday was bad.  I cannot purposely eat 1200 calories and not purge.  I felt horrible.  I was feeling bad when I thought I was going to have 1000.  Then my mom decided we were going to have chicken nuggets for supper instead of grilled steak.  Gross chicken nuggets that taste like shit and I had to eat some.  And she put butter (completely unnecessary) on green beans.  And gave me a large glass of milk.  So supper was 200 more calories than I had planned.  I was trying to eat 1000-ish.  To be healthy.  I thought I would give it a try.  Big mistake.  I felt guilty and depressed.  I told J that I can't do it and that I hate the way it makes me feel.  He said aww I'm sorry.  I tried it for him mainly.  And the worst thing is that I gained.  I'm 119, almost 120 now.  J and I texted for a while last night.  I like him a lot more than I want to.  I don't know if he likes me or not.  Part of me thinks he does and part of me thinks he doesn't like me as more than just a friend.  Most of his friends in high school were girls.  Which never bothered me.  Somehow they all just fit together as friends.  I had always wished I had friends like that.  Instead I got shitty ones that don't talk to me after I graduate or get a boyfriend and become too busy to hang out with me.  Anyway.  I want J to like the way I look when he comes back.  And for whatever stupid reason in my tired state of late-night texting, I told him that if he thinks I'm too skinny when he comes back to make me eat and not let me purge or exercise it off.  StupidStupidStupid.  And he responds with haha kk I can make ya burn calories other ways too.  I'm not sure if he's like a man whore now or not.  Or if he maybe likes me.  Or if he just meant it as a joke.  I doubt he's a man whore but he lives like 1300 miles away so it's possible that he is a man whore now.  But of course I'm married.  I'm supposed to think about my husband and my husband only.   I would be ok with liking J if I didn't think about him so much and liked him a little less.  I really miss him.  I miss dating him and going and doing things like canoeing on the lake and listening to all of the random music I had never heard of before and watching movies and tv shows that I had never heard of/seen.  He told me to listen to a song last night.  He said it might make me feel better.  Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO.  It made me feel better.  I'm going to try around 1000 calories (but 750 would be better) today and a lot of exercise.  I'm hoping to burn 500 calories.  I told J I would try 1000 cals today.  But I may just go with 750 and 500 burned in exercise.  I need to get some of this weight off and fast.  Time to exercise.


    Monday, May 16, 2011


    I've gained 2.5 pounds since Thursday.  I weigh 118.  I'm going to eat 750 cal or less everyday until I reach 113.  I'm hoping that I can be 115 by Friday.  I would love to be 113 by then.  I'm still questioning whether I should stop at 113.  Or just lose weight and lie to J and tell him I weigh more than I do when I see him in July.  I mean it's like 2 months away and that's a long time to go with just maintaining a weight that I don't like.  I was wanting to be 100 lbs by then.  I was thinking about stopping at 100 lbs before I talked to J.  I had texted him so I could decide if 100 would be good or if I should aim for the 85-90 lbs range.  I could gain like 5 lbs before he comes and tell him I weigh a little more than I do and then it'll be close enough to 113 and when he leaves, lose the weight again.  The good thing is I have a while to think about it.  The bad thing is, it's two months away and there's a lot of time for me to change my mind/not decide.  I hate making decisions.  My sister is coming sometime today but leaving today so I can exercise everyday this week.  I'm hoping for 45 min everyday.  It's going to be kinda cool out until Thursay like too cool to go for a long walk so exercising will have to be done inside.  So Thursday and Friday I will probably go for long walk/jog/runs.  By that I mean I will have to walk for most of it but I would try to add in some jogging and running.  Running meaning sprints.  I hope I can get this weight off easy.  I really want to see 115.  I don't really have anything else to say.  I would like to have some sort of progress so I could post progress pictures, but there's not point in pictures if there's no progress.  I've had progress, I just never took pictures.  I think a large cup of green tea is in order.


    Sunday, May 15, 2011

    New follower.  :)  And now for my pissed ramblings (if I wasn't pissed I wouldn't be posting again, but I'm pissed and in need of venting).  Feel free to not read this.

    I didn't really binge but I purged.  I made some mozzarella sticks.  I probably had 350 cals.  Actually I have no idea how many cals.  I just kind of randomly picked 350.  But my mom left like right after I finished eating so I decided to purge.  And I just weighed myself.  Between 119 and 120.  Are you fucking kidding me?!  WTF?!  I shouldn't have gained THAT much weight.  How did I gain 3-4 lbs in 2 days?  I didn't eat THAT many calories.  If I have to eat 3500 calories to gain 1 lb then I would have had to eat between 10,500 and 14,000 calories.  There's no way I've eaten THAT many calories between Thursday and now.  And there's no way that that is water weight.  I know I haven't really been exercising but still.  I shouldn't have gained that much weight.  It's probably a good thing I purged what I could because who knows how much I would weigh tomorrow if I didn't.  I feel like a complete failure.  Fuck what J says/wants.  I'm going to be as unhealthy as necessary to lose all of this weight by Friday.  I MUST be 115 by Friday.  I said that last week but I'm so sick of being a failure that I can't let it not happen again.  No food until my mom gets home Mon-Fri and when she gets home I will eat a small snack that is 100 cal or less.  Then whatever I have to for supper but as little of whatever as possible.  I will allow tea all day and milk only at supper.  And nothing else for drinks.  No diet anything.  No water because where I live it tastes gross and isn't exactly very safe to drink.  I will workout as much as I possibly can.  It's going to be too cold to do anything outside so I'll have to come up with things to do inside.  I will have to work my ass off this week.  I can't keep being a failure.  I can't.

    Yesterday was pretty bad food-wise.  Not even going to guess how many calories.  It's over 1200 and I don't really want to know.  I don't want to spend the time looking up the foods I ate and figure out how much I ate of each of them and such.  Yesterday my mom made a comment about my butt being smaller.  Thanks....  I never had much of a butt so you can shut up now.  She doesn't seen to understand that pockets on pants can make a person's butt look smaller.  I wore jeans without back pockets the day before and yesterday my jeans had pockets.  The only time I might have had much of a butt was when I weighed 155.  Before I got pregnant I had been told quite blatantly that I do not have a butt.  I was told it goes legs straight to my back.  That's enough of me rambling about my ass.  So because my mom had said I was really skinny I decided to get a second opinion. I texted my friend/exboyfriend in California.  I had weight problems in high school too.  I was more bulimic then. I would purge after supper and skip breakfast and lunch if possible.  But anyway, I asked him if he remember what I looked like in high school.  He said yeah and I asked if he thought I would be really skinny if I weighed 10 pounds less.  He said said yeah and asked if I had been losing weight.  I said I didn't like being over weight.  And he said he didn't remember me ever being over weight but he never saw me when I was.  I said something about I probably should lose as much weight as I was still wanting too.  I had been wanting to weigh 85-90 lbs and I was starting to rethink that and he said just not to go anorexic.  I made a crappy joke about going bulimic instead.  He told me to just be healthy.  My version of healthy is 750 cal a day and 250+ cal burned off in exercise.  To me that sound healthy.  Purging to me is ok and if someone wants to take laxatives I am ok with that too.  J on the other hand would think that was crazy.  He said that I am normal and that he needed to come knock some sense into me.  Yeah if he only knew... I think I responded with something along those lines.  I told him that I kinda wanted to be 85-90 lbs and he asked why I would want to be that light.  I told him I see me as being 10-20 lbs heavier than I am.  He told me I as perfectly fine if I would stop worrying and he said he loved my body the way it was when we dated and a few lbs off sounds nice but too much and it wouldn't be a good thing.  And I told him I would try to stop somewhere around 113-115 range.  I may or may not go with that.  He doesn't come back until mid-July so that's quite a while.  I was wanting to be 100 lbs by then.  And I'm pretty sure he would make me eat if he saw me at 100 lbs.  He's a skinny guy.  He has lean muscle not bulky like most guys.  I always felt fat when I was around him.  I think he weighed less than me when we dated if I remember right.  Maybe he weighed the same as me.  Either way I felt so fat.  But I wasn't in full Ana mode.  I was like in half-Mia mode.  I miss J quite a bit and I'm not too sure why.  I kinda wish he and I would have dated longer or gotten back together or something but not I'm unhappily married.  I don't think D would sign divorce papers.  Not without a huge fight.  I really need to talk to him but he calls while watching tv and he has the tv turned up so loud I can't hear him and he can't hear me.  We had like 3 conversations that were about 1 min long because of shit like that.  He's always saying he will call me back.  He'll call be back all the time and it's like 6 hours after he's supposed to that he does.  It pissed me off and I seriously feel like he's just been using me.  Like he used to be so sweet and funny and nice and perfect and then he started to become the opposite.  I'm getting off on too many tangents rambling.  Sorry.  I'll stop now.


    Saturday, May 14, 2011

    I have 16 followers! :)

    I can't weigh myself because my parents are around.  They would ask too many questions and probably yell at me for my weight being too low or something even though I'm in the normal range.  I think I look heavier than I am.  But that's part of an ED isn't it?  So I had been doing good yesterday.  I waned to binge again but didn't.  I had a Greek yogurt (140) and some chips (about 110 - I had 10 chips and each chip is 10.67 cals).  And I had some asparagus (30 cal or less).  And I had washed 3 loads of laundry, dried, folded, and put away 2 of them and had the 3rd in the dryer and the dishes washed when my mom got home.  So she finished the 3rd load.  I tried to keep myself busy.  And then we went to town.  I had bought a spare key for the car but it doesn't work. So I went and the guy couldn't fix it.  So he wrote on the receipt  for a refund.  And then about 2 hours later I realized I was only refunded $10 out of $60.  So I had to go back and my mother was being a grouchy bitch the whole time.  Bitching because she had to pee and she needed something to drink and she's tired and sore and blah blah blah.  And we took supper home.  Pizza.  Great.  No, not great.  Terrible.  I had thin crust with tomato and provolone.  I ate about 2/3 of it.  And like 3 breadsticks.  So I probably ate about 800 cals of pizza and 350 maybe of breadsticks.  So I had like 1500 cal.  I'm probably up 2 pounds today because of it.  I did a little walking yesterday but not nearly enough to make up for all of those calories.  I'll probably end up eating the rest of my pizza today.  That'll be like 400 cals.  I'm going to end up eating way too much today.  Again.  I need my own place so I can keep only healthy foods around.  Then I wouldn't have anything bad to binge on.  A binge would end up being like 200 cal at the most.  I could lose weight easier then.  Last night my mom said that I was really skinny.  No.  I'm not.  Have you seen my stomach?  No you haven't because if you did you would realize that I need to lose like 20 pounds.  It's fat and flabby and it jiggles.  I want to be able to jump and have nothing jiggle afterwards.  And my thighs have no gap whatsoever.  Most of the pants I wear are a size 7.  I need to be a size 3 at the most.  I doubt I'll ever fit into a 0.  I think my hip bones are too wide for that.  Baby = wide hip bones.  The good thing about not having insurance is my mom can't make me go to a doctor to see why I'm so "skinny" or whatever.  The doctor would just probably say I'm at a healthy weight and probably have a high metabolism from eating healthy or some crap like that.  He would never know that I don't eat much.  I'm to the point where I don't call or text D first ever.  I used to only if I had something semi-important.  But now it's never.  And we talk for maybe 5 min a day.  Anyway I've got to go.


    Friday, May 13, 2011

    I was annoyed with Blogger for deleting posts.  Even if it was temporary.  And now the posts are being put back.  And they're mixed in.  I have to go through and see if I've read it or not.  I's more annoying than the missing posts.  I read all of yesterday's posts yesterday.  Just another annoyance to make an already bad/stressful day worse. >:[
    Blogger had me seriously pissed off for like about 20 hours.  But anyway I thought yesterday was good.  According to the scale it wasn't.  I'm 116.  Not in between 115 and 116 like I was yesterday and the day before.  It's 116.  I ate less than 850 calories.  And I walked for over 5 miles at a speed of around 3.5 miles/hour.  And did some cleaning.  I shouldn't have gained anything.  I should have lost.  Or at least stayed the same.  I don't understand it.  Obviously I have to eat less and exercise more.  But 850 isn't a lot of calories.  And after all of the walking and cleaning and such I should have netted somewhere around 600.  I should have lost something.  I had whole wheat pasta twice yesterday.  It's healthy so it shouldn't have caused me to gain.  I only had 120 cal of noodles each time and a little less than 40 cal of sauce each time.  And I had broccoli.  I ate some Kix.  I had Greek yogurt.  It's all healthy.  So why did I gain?  I ate healthy food and ate less than 850 cal. I shouldn't have gained.  I really shouldn't have.  I had a large cup of green tea.  It was like 2 cups worth.  I fought a binge and won.  I really wanted to binge and purge, but I didn't want to because it's unhealthy and I probably wouldn't have gotten all of it up and gained.  So I drank tea and I didn't binge.  I didn't purge because there's no point in purging green tea.  I mean it's 0 cal so the most that would happen would be bloating maybe.  So I really shouldn't have gained.  I don't know what I did wrong.  I really wish I knew.  I've had Greek yogurt today.  I'm going to put some cereal in a baggy and say I ate some cereal too.  I have to eat less today.  A lot less.  Like 500 cal seems like too much.  And I've got a bunch of cleaning to do.  I've done some.  I have to see a definite 115 by Monday.  I really want to see 114 though.  I feel like a complete failure.  I walk over 5 miles and I eat healthy and I eat a fairly small amount and I gain.  I'm a fucking failure.  Anyone else would have lost.  And anyone else would have lose like 1 full pound.  I was wanting like half a pound loss.  But failure me gains.  I hate this.


    Thursday, May 12, 2011

    I'm going to do morning posts and just recap the previous day.  Seems a lot easier.  My mom decided I was going to have a pork chop and noodles for supper.  I wasn't really hungry so I said I really didn't want the pork chop.  I was true.  I really didn't want it.  Meat does not reheat well.  I think it had been frozen too.  It looked really black.  My mother does not know how to reheat things.  She pretty much burns them.  She isn't good at cooking anyway.   So the noodles were probably around 250?  Not sure.  And then I had carmel mousse.  130 cals for that.  So a toal of about 1030 cals.  Not good.  But I weighed about 115-116 this morning.  It's nice out too.  I think I'll go for a walk.  Like a 3 mile walk.  And do some more exercising.  I just don' know what yet.  I really want to see 115 tomorrow.  Not almost 115.  I want it to say 115 or less.  I'm close.  So tea.  Walk.  Other exercises.  And then I'll allow myself something with some calories in it.  Maybe 1/2 cup of cereal.  And I will try to keep myself busy.  I will brush my teeth like 5x today to keep me from eating and chew gum constantly.  And drink tea and 0 cal drinks.  I will do whatever I can to be 115 tomorrow.


    Tuesday, May 10, 2011

    Starting tomorrow I'm going to post less.  It's too hot for me to have my computer on all day.  I don't know if the heat is actually bad for it if I don't use it, but I've just always been told to turn the computer off when it's hot.  So that's what I'm going to do.  I will exercise and sweat and maybe dye my hair and clean and keep myself busy tomorrow.  I have plenty to do.  I'm doing americaneaglelove's weight loss competition.  I just don't want to end up being the one who loses the least (or gains).  Part of me feels like I shouldn't do this.  I haven't done a weight loss competition before.  Mostly because I have an analog scale.  So I have to use whole numbers and pretty much everyone else has a digital scale.  In a way I think a digital scale would be great but in a way I think it would cause more mental breakdowns because I gained instead of lost or whatever.  Either way I can't afford one.  At least not right now.  I have to find my cat.

    Pasta stuff for supper.  I'm at around 600 cal.  Might have yogurt later (80).  No idea how many calories I burned today.  Maybe 200.  Maybe more.  Maybe less.  Does it really matter?  In this heat - no.  I probably sweated off a pound today.  The air conditioner in the car doesn't work well so the car was like 110 degrees.  It's going to be hot again tomorrow.  Not quite as hot though.  So I'll exercise in the morning if I can and try to do nothing for the rest of the day.  By nothing I mean not eat mainly.  I bought 1 pair of jeans for $10.  I'm so sick of seeing skinny jeans.  I'm not skinny enough for them.  97% of people aren't skinny enough for them.  Yesterday when I was in Iowa I saw the worst pair of pants ever.  Bright like neon bright yellow skinny jeans.  That would be tolerable on a small person.  But these were a size 19.  19?!  If I was a size 19 I doubt I would want my ass to look like a school bus.  The yellow will only bring attention to it.  And if someone is a size 19 I don't think they should bring attention to that.  There were bight pink ones too but they weren't nearly as big.  Any way I'm sick of seeing skinny jeans and leggings and jeggings.  Jeggings should never have been invented.  I saw some shorts that were made out of the jegging material.  I wouldn't want shorts to be that tight and they looked like they would barely cover MY ass (IF it covered my ass).  My ass is flat and barely there.  I don't know why anyone would put on shorts just to have their ass show.  Might as well just run around in your underwear.  I know what I'm saying is mean but it's my opinion.  I bought some make up.  I don't know why but I did.  And nail polish.  If I ever stop biting my nails.  I bought food.  Yogurt.  A lot of yogurt.  80 cal though.  Not bad. Semi-permanent hair dye.  Medium-dark brownish.  Hopefully I can get my hair to look better.  I want to cut the reddish/blondish mess out but my hair isn't long enough for that.  So I might go with temporary dyes until it grows out long enough.  I don't like my hair short, otherwise I would just cut it out now.  I bough some cereal.  Not good, but it was cheap.  And whole-wheat pasta.  And pasta sauce.  And some other stuff.  Nothing interesting.  My life is boring.

    My sister went golfing.  My mom is making me get something for supper.  Something easy that doesn't involve much cooking.  Basically it has to be microwaved or cold.  Not sure what to get but I want it to have like 300 or less cal per serving.  I think I'll get some light yogurt because it's only 30 cents for 6 oz.  I'm going to look for jeans and maybe get some job apps and my mom wants pop.  Of course it has to have sugar and calories for her.  I've had broccoli and tea.  I'm at 230 cal.  I took Chunky for a short walk.  Like maybe a mile.  He got too hot and I was sweaty and it was windy.  So I took him home.  If it was just me I probably would have walked more.  I might walk again tonight.  If it's cool enough.  Maybe about a mile again.  I tried on like 3 shirts before I found one that fit.  One of the ones that didn't fit I think didn't fit because of the bra I'm wearing.  And the other one might be the same reason or it could just be too big.  Not sure with that one.  I haven't tried it on for at least a year.  Those two were halter tops and the one that fit isn't.  I'm wearing a strapless bra so it fits differently.  I may put up a poll on the side later.  Like tonight.  I want people to actually like looking at my blog and I don't think many people do.  I have 14 followers and I get about 7 views a day.  One day I had 45 page views.  I was almost 115 lbs then.  So maybe people will read if I actually lose weight but I feel almost like I'm blogging for nothing.  Like I put it here so people can see.  If no one sees it I might as well just write in a journal for just me to see.  Which I am thinking about doing.  I'm planning on buying a notebook to journal in and only posting once a day.  I know 3 is a lot.  I get bored.  I may just start saving drafts and only post once and add to it like 3x a day and do one longer post everyday.  I'm not sure.  It's all starting to seem pointless.  This blog isn't helping me lose weight by me holding myself more accountable.  It's not helping me avoid binging in any way.  I kind of want to quit but I know I can't just quit.  But I think 1 post a day would be good.  I was thinking about adding pictures like thinspo or something to more of my posts but I'm not sure yet.  I've got a lot I want/need to think about.  And it's not just about this blog.  Just life in general.  I gotta go though.

    Slim Fast for breakfast.  200 cal.  Probably not going to be worth it.  I'm hungry yet.  I can't exercise.  I look like shit so I will have to shower before I can take Chunky for a walk.  I get paid so I think I'll try to skip lunch by going to get my check around lunch time.  And then go and maybe get job apps or something.  Attempt to find a temp job agency maybe.  I found two listed on the internet.  Maybe one will exist.  If I'm lucky and don't get lost but any place with Genie in the name doesn't sound too good.  Maybe I've seen too much Aladin.  I doubt that though.  I never really watched that show.  My sister did but I didn't.  My weight stayed the same.  I'm still 119.  I didn't really eat that much and I exercised and I'm still 119.  Like WTF?!  Today doesn't look like it will be a good day.  It's supposed to get up to 92 degrees.  Not fun.  No fans makes it worse.  Although when it's hot my mom doesn't like to cook so I can probably get away with eating broccoli or something like that for supper.  And when it's hot I don't really want to eat much unless it is cold food.  And there isn't too much cold food in the house so it should be easy.


    Monday, May 9, 2011

    My sister is here.  I didn't know she was coming.  I hope she leaves like tomorrow or Wednesday.  I want to be able to do cardio in the morning.  But with her here I can't.  So I will have to hope that the weather is nice and take the dog for a walk in the morning and evening.  2 walks that are 2-3 miles long 2x a day should hopefully burn 400 cal.  I'll have to be extra careful about eating then.  Shouldn't be too bad since I bought diet food.  Hopefully I can weigh myself tomorrow.  I want to see 117 or maybe 118 would be acceptable.

    It's after 2 and all I've had that has calories is gum.  I don't count calories from sugar-free gum though.  I probably burn off the cals chewing it.  And now I've got some green tea brewing.  I bought 3 boxes of tea.  A box of mixed berry green tea, a box of white mangosteen and peach green tea, and a box of black tea with carmel.  I was in need of some good tea.  I just had some caffeine free teas that are supposed to make you sleepy.  Not the best thing to drink in the middle of the day.  I'm going to avoid eating until supper.  Completely doable.  I just have to keep myself occupied and chewing gum or drinking something 0 cal.  I've probably burned off 200 cal from exercise and walking around stores.  I couldn't find any jeans that were cheap enough for me.  I don't want to pay $20+ on one pair of jeans just to lose weight and have them not fit 2 months later.  And that's about all I could find.  I found leggings and jeggings and skinny jeans.  I do not wear leggings or jeggings and I am not skinny enough currently to look decent in skinny jeans.  I have nothing against leggings and jeggings but I don't want to wear pants with elastic waists and things so form fitting that ill show off all of my lumps and bumps and such.  And skinny jeans do a better job of hiding such things but I want to have a thigh gap or flat tummy before I wear them again.  Most of them are excessively big in the waist though so I probably wouldn't be able to find a pair that fit properly.  I like flare legs better.  I don't know why but I just do.  I did buy a purse and two headbands and some earrings though.  And diet foods of course.  Asparagus and more broccoli and more Greek yogurt and tea and Slim Fast shake powder.  The powder was cheaper so I figured i would go with that.  It has more calories than the already made stuff but I figured I could just drink half a serving at a time.  I wanted some protein drink powder but it was kind of expensive.  The container is big but I didn't want to pay $20+ on it.  It would be too hard to hide anyway.  Maybe when I get a job and D gets an apartment I can keep it there.  D wants to get an apartment and stay in it like every other weekend.  Probably be cheaper than 4 nights at a hotel every month.  Part of me wants to work things out with D and the other part just wants to end the relationship.  A divorce in Illinois has a 180 like waiting period or whatever you want to call it.  So I'm just not sure.  So this is kind of jumpy because my mind is like going in 5 million directions and I stop typing to read a blog or look at a website or whatever.  But I plan on taking the dog for a long walk this evening.  Hopefully it will be cool enough then.  It's kind of hot right now.  I would sweat for sure and I don't think Chunky could make it very far before he would start panting and need to rest.  I was going to talk to a recruiter for the Air Force today but I kind of chickened out I guess you could say.  I know that being on antidepressants would temporarily disqualify me for 1 year and it hasn't been 1 year.  So I just don't know if I should try to join or not.  J said that he wasn't asked if he had ever been on antidepressants but his sister (who also joined the Marines) was asked about antidepressants.  So I'm not sure if I should try or not.  I think I'll go get some applications after I get paid tomorrow.  Maybe attempt to find the temp job service place.  I want to get 5 more job apps filled out by Friday.  That's like 1 a day so not bad.  I'm hoping to get a job by the end of the month.  I weighed 119 this morning after I worked out.  I washed the dishes too so I could skip breakfast easier that way.  And then I was in Iowa so if I get asked (which I haven't yet) I'll say I ate in Iowa and just make up some sort of food that I ate at a fast-food place.  Easy.  I have some cleaning that I should do.  I think I'll see if my mom wants to sort clothes and then I'll have that done.  Probably take about 30 min and it'll clear up some space in my room.  I've probably rambled enough.

    I was going to exercise starting at 8 but I got distracted reading blogs.  It's now 8:40 so maybe I'll start at 8:45 and workout until 9:30 then get ready to go pay my phone and such.  It's going to rain so going to a park and walking will probably be out.  But I'm going to skip breakfast and maybe by a diet something or other somewhere along the lines to keep my stomach happy.  And my sugar cravings.  Artificial sugar is close enough. I'm hoping that I have a $35 credit for my phone.  They told me last time I did but US Cellular is kinda very annoying and such.  They change the plans and don't tell me so I go there just to find out I wasn't the person they meant to call.  Sooo annoying.  If I have a credit I will try to find a pair of jeans.  Maybe 2 depending on how much they cost.  I have to have money for diet food though.  Time to exercise.


    Sunday, May 8, 2011

    I was thinking about seeing if I can enlist in the Air Force.  I thought about it back in like September/October but I never talked to a recruiter because I was told that I couldn't join because I was on antidepressants.  I had looked online and there was this like loophole that confused me so I was like fuck it and ended up getting a job at the hotel.  Now I'm jobless again and thinking about it again and my friend (I'll call him J - he's my friend in the Marines) said that he didn't know if antidepressants would disqualify me and to just not say anything about it to anyone.  So I was thinking about maybe going and talking to a recruiter tomorrow when I pay my phone.  I'm not sure though.  I want to but I don't really want to be told that I can't.  If I had custody of my daughter (which I don't) I wouldn't be able to join.  But since I don't have custody I can but I will have to fill out a paper that says I didn't give up custody for the purpose of joining the military.  I didn't give her to her dad so I could join so I can maybe.  I'm just not sure what I would do about my weight issues.  I'm not underweight or anything.  So that's good I guess.  By good I mean it would help if I join.  I don't think they would let me enlist if I was underweight. I don't know if I could lose weight easily in the Air Force or not.  Or if I would really care once I joined.  It's a lot to think about.  Because of D and the fact that I am stuck with him for like ever and I just don't know.  I mean there were a few careers that I thought sounded good.  But I would have to enlist for at least 2 years.  I don't know that I would want to be in the Air Force for 2 years.  I could enlist for more but I just have no idea.  I would get a better signing bonus if I enlisted for longer and it could help pay for college.  It's a lot to think about.

    My daughter left about an hour ago.  My parents went out to eat Mexican food with my dad's family.  Mexican food = way too many calories.  I've had enough calories.  I'm still expected to have dirty dishes for supper (or wash all the dishes).  So I'm baking a potato and will probably eat like half.  Or maybe none or purge.  Not sure yet.  Might wash the dishes too.  Also not sure yet.  I weigh 120-121 pounds.  I had shoes on so I'm hoping 120 without shoes.  It was 121 with shoes.  So my plan for tomorrow is I'm going to wake up and exercise.  Then eat breakfast (1/2 serving wheat farina cereal - 85 cal) and go pay my phone and then maybe go to a park and walk around or something and buy some healthy foods (Greek yogurt, broccoli, veggies, ect.).  Hopefully I can skip lunch that way.  And I can hopefully go home and it'll be like 3 or something and I can eat a snack (broccoli maybe - 30 cal) and not eat again until supper.  Then hopefully shower after supper and purge.  I have a friend in the Marines and he said he was thinking about taking some leave in mid-July and wanted to know if he could stop by.  I want to weigh 100 or less by then.  That's like 20 pounds in about 10 weeks.  Possible.  D said he was going to come back around the 3rd and there's no way I can be 100 pounds by then.  I want to be 110 or less though.  Possible.  Both goals are possible but semi-difficult.  I just have to come up with a way to stay on track.  I need to focus more.  Or find a way to exercise (vigorously) without it feeling like working out.  I need something to either distract me or something that I like doing.  I wish I had like a stationary bike that told me a speed.  I could see how fast I could get it to go.  Or a regular bike and somewhere to go ride it.  Corn fields are not fun to look at.  I've probably rambled enough.