Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I have 20 followers!  :)  Yay!  Apparently some people like my rambling nonsense.  Welcomes!

I sleep like shit most nights.  And I did last night.  Didn't fall asleep until after 11 pm.  And I woke up 2x and woke up around 6 and couldn't go back to sleep.  Anyway it was about 5-6 hours of sleep.  Interview today.  I'm nervous.  I would take one of my anxiety pills since I still have some, but since I may have to do a drug test, I won't.  I don't know if it would show up or not and I don't like taking them since I OD'ed on em.  So I'll just drink a large cup of this tea I have.  It's supposed to be calming but I hate the taste.  It would however keep me from eating.  It will fill me up and after a couple drinks I lose my appetite.  I have to force myself to finish it.  I weighed 117 this morning.  It could be 116.5.  It wasn't quite in the middle where 117 would be.  Either way, I'm not 119 anymore.  I had about 785 cals yesterday.  I'm perfectly ok with that.  It's a little over 750, but not bad.  I ate a lot of grapes and tomatoes.  And broccoli.  I had steak and brownies too.  The brownies were small so they add up to about 250 maybe.  And the steak was about 300 cals.  I was still hungry after I ate it, but I was good and didn't eat any more.  I was thinking about not eating until supper, but I don't want my stomach to growl during the interview, so I'll eat something before I leave.  100 cal or less.  And I'll drink tea.  I really want to be 115 by Friday.  I would love to be 113 by then, but I doubt I will.  I went into the bathroom last night and saw my arms in the mirror like out of the corner of my eye and I think my arms are fairly small.  If the rest of me was just as small I would possibly just start trying to maintain weight.  But then I realized all my weight is at my thighs and hips and stomach.  This morning I looked in the mirror and turned my arms and such and realized they aren't as small as I thought.  I kinda have bingo wings.  My arms look small when they are looked at from the right angle.  I won't be happy weighing 115.  I won't be happy weighing 113.  I don't want to make myself accept it.  Not when I know I can go lower.  107 I might be ok.  I probably won't have the thigh gap that I want.  I think 100 lbs might be right.  The only thing J managed to change was making me realize 90 lbs is maybe too light.  I may go to 99 just to be in the double digits though.  Or go there and then go back to 100 so I can say I've been there.  There meaning 99 lbs.  I'm starting to lose interest in J.  At least for now.  Which is good.  But he will probably kill me when he comes back and I weigh less than 113.  And when I look smaller than I did in high school.  And he would kill me if he knew I had a blog like this.  Actually, everyone I know would.  Except maybe D.  Although he may want to kill me for mentioning I married him and a few other things.  Oh well.  No one has to know....  I need to quit rambling.  I should shower and get ready for my interview.  I suck at putting on make-up.  That alone will take at least 30 min just to do the supposed 5 min face.

Thank you all for the good luck wishes!  :)



  1. Super good luck on your interview!!

  2. I have anxiety too. It kills me.

  3. Good luck with your interveiw!
    Lottie x

  4. best of luck! good for you for battling your anxiety on your own :) stay strong