Monday, October 31, 2011

I meant 5 hours a week.  Like a little more than an hour each day on the days I don't work.  And I'm stressed as hell because according to the Sears website, K-Mart paid me a little over $350 but according to my bank website, I still only have $9 in my account.  What the fuck?  Is it because it is not quite 5 am and my bank hasn't opened?  I have no way of knowing when the money will be in my account until I get home and check online.  And I need the money while I'm still in Iowa.  I need gas and I need to pay back D's brother for lunch and other shit.  I'm so fucking stressed.  I hate this.  It's normally in there at like midnight.  And I'm wondering if my mom will even remember to deposit my other pay check.  I'm so fucking stressed.  AND my mother apparently called twice.  My phone is on silent so I just heard the missed call noise.  And I always call people right back.  But they never fucking answer.  It pisses me off even more.  It's even worse when they leave some stupid ass voice mail.  But how the hell do you get away from your phone quick enough that you can't hear it ring 5 seconds after you hung up?  What?  Do you throw it across the room and run in the opposite direction?  And then they take forever to text back and shit.  My day is going to be fucking hell.  If I have the gas to get home, I'm going home and passing out.  Most likely there will be some cutting before passing out though.  And by passing out I mean sleeping not literally passing out from something like blood loss or ODing or anything.  Now is a time when I really need some fucking pills or drugs.  I just want to fucking die.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

I weighed myself this morning.  125.  What the fuck?!  I think my medicine might have had something to do with that.  I drink like next to nothing and pee like crazy.  I know, it's a lame excuse.  So, starting tomorrow, my goal is to lose 10-15 lbs in 24 days.  Because J is back in 24 days.  So I want to be 115 or less by then.  And I can and will do it.  After my medicine is gone, I'll start taking diet pills.  I'm not playing the "see what kind of reaction I end up with by mixing various pills" game.  Partially because I don't have insurance so going back to the doctor would be expensive, and partially because I'm allergic to most antibiotics.  Basically, I have two types of medicine that I can take.  If I end up with a reaction to the one I'm one, I'm like fucked for the rest of my life.  Not really, but I will be limited to the point that it'll be hell to find a doctor who will prescribe me medicine when I'm sick.  So when my medicine is done with (next Monday I think?), I'll live on diet pills.  So until then, pre-restricting.  As in prepping for it.  No food while I work (so no food from 6:30 am until 3-ish  pm).  And if possible, no food in the car.  If I do eat in the car, it will be something healthy like an apple.  Once my medicine is gone, my goal is to only eat supper at least 4 days out of the week and the other three eat supper + a snack/small meal (less than 200 calories).  Unless I feel faint-ish.  Then I will eat something healthy like an apple (apples are what I have in my car - anyone know of an easy to eat fruit or veggie that I could safely keep in my car at, uh, car temperature?  Needs to be something I could eat while driving...).  And exercise at least 5 hours a day after I'm done training at work.  Until then, I'll aim for 2.5 hours.  I doubt this makes much sense but I have it all figured out in my head.  People tried to get me to eat pizza and breadsticks at lunch today and I said no.  I was told that I don't eat and that's why I look like a toothpick.  I'm not nearly that skinny.  And this other lady that works there keeps saying that I'm skinny and whatnot when she is like the same size as me.  She's slightly taller and probably weighs a little more because of that, but our BMI's are probably the same.  After I'm done typing whatever other random bullshit I come up with, I'm going to eat supper and then exercise for 30 minutes and then read/comment on blogs until like 7:30 or 8 and then go to bed.  I get paid tomorrow from K-Mart (I think it will be my last paycheck from there but someone said it shouldn't be but I'm pretty sure it is) and I got paid Friday from my other job but it was a paper check and I didn't get it until Saturday and I worked all day while banks were open so I couldn't do anything with it so tomorrow my mother is going to deposit it into my checking account for me.  I need to get a new phone.  I might do that like next Tuesday.  Then I would get paid again Friday so I would know if I could afford to or not...  And which I could afford...  Which means, I could probably blog from my phone so I could keep up on blogs easier.  And not feel embarrassed pulling out my purple flip phone from 3 years ago.  It was cool back then.  Sort of...  I kinda want to save money and take a college class or two also but there's still time to get the money for college.  And I kinda still want an x-box 360 with a kinect but the Star Wars edition doesn't come out until next year so there's still time for that.  And I need to use the exercise equipment I have before I buy more.  I think I'll shut up and find food and then exercise and blog.


Saturday, October 29, 2011

Time for a rant.  You have been warned.  Don't wanna read it then don't.  Simple as that.  And the following is also the reason I haven't read or commented on blogs today.  So to begin, let's start off with the fact that today is AA's birthday and I had to work today and I have to work for the next 3 days.  And Halloween is my favorite holiday, and I'm still depressed over the fact that no one gave a shit about my birthday and no one wanted to drink with me.  Or even hang out while I drank (I would have been fine hanging out with someone who was sober while I drank).  So, I text AA and tell him happy birthday and he doesn't even say thank you.  Obviously I should have said nothing.  So at work, one of the clients puked on himself so I had to clean that up.  And I made soup for lunch and got bitched at because "lunch is at 12" and it was like 11:45 and my soup wasn't done.  Uh, bitch, I still have 15 fucking minutes.  Does it really take that long to heat soup through?  No.  It takes like 10.  And the chicken that I wasn't making (someone else was) wasn't done.  Yell at that girl for not having her chicken done then.  And at lunch, a toilet broke and flooded two of the clients' rooms and the bathroom that they share.  And so everyone ended up leaving me to watch the 6 remaining clients (two were on home visits).  Uh, 6 clients, 1 DSP.  2 clients I haven't even been trained on either.  And then meal prep had been my duty thing.  All of the clients were sent to their rooms so I could help clean up the water.  After like 5 minutes they send me to clean up the kitchen.  NOT MY FUCKING JOB.  Why ME?  It was a fucking mess and they all knew it.  The girl who was supposed to clean up the kitchen had done nothing earlier.  So I had a giant mess.  Had to run the dishwasher (it's a big commercial one) 3 times.  And the girl who was supposed to clean the kitchen/do the dishes is sitting in the living room most of the time talking about her plans for tonight.  Bitch.  And so I end up leaving like 20 minutes late because I still had charting and shit to do and I didn't get to start on that til I had like 10 minutes left on my shift and well, those books are shitty so I spend half the time trying to put the pages back in because they fall out of one or more of the rings (the books are 3-ring binder things).  So that sucked.  And then I go to Hy-Vee to get some apples.  And this bitch who I used to work with seemed to think it was necessary to call me.  Bitch, send a fucking text.  You didn't respond to mine last time.  Never should have answered my phone.  She kept like cutting out and it pissed me off and she was all like what are you doing tonight?  Uh, sleeping.  I asked you to fucking party the other night.  You never texted me back.  I have to fucking work tomorrow.  Gotta wake up at 4:30 am.  Not a good idea after drinking.  Now leave me the hell alone.  I'm trying to check out at Hy-Vee.  And now you just made my depression worse.  Thanks bitch.  Because everyone is doing Halloween partying and shit and I don't get to at all this year.  And the bitch called me later and I didn't answer because I was already in a shitty mood.  Bitch, text me so I know what you want and I can respond if I want to.  And then she sent me a Facebook message.  U IN BED.  Uh, let's not get all pissy and use all caps.  I know you're black and you always use caps but it pisses me off.  Uh, have you gotten the hint yet?  Leave me alone.  I'll contact you when I'm in a not shitty mood/in the mood to be used by you.  I'll allow you to use me when I am going to use you.  Place to sleep and drink and someone who can legally buy the alcohol.  Sure I'll give you a ride/let you use my phone/ect.  But I have no use right now.  And then there's the dealing with my mother and her getting her stories wrong.  I hate that bitch.  She's always running her mouth.  And M wanted pics.  He got 1 after I cut a couple times.  That was after the first call from the bitch who called me and before the second.  While attempting to take another pic or two for M, bitch called and interrupted so I never got a good one and so he got 1 pic when he wanted 3. I told him I would have to cut my wrist if he wants more because that's what it will take for me to feel better before bed.  So down my bc and my whateverthefuckitscalled prescription and off to bed I go.  Maybe another cut...  I keep thinking about it.  I thought a long ranting blog post might help but I'm still just as depressed.  I wish I had Tuesday off from work.  Then I could drink on Halloween.  But I can't do shit for Halloween this year.  It's looking like this is going to be a long shitty year.  I doubt I live to make it to 21.  And better yet, the prescription I was given had sudden mood changes as a side effect.  So any slight mood change my mother seems to think I have means she is going to freak out thinking it's the medicine and probably try to make me either quit taking it or go back to the doctor.  Neither of which are going to happen.  Fuck I want to get high.  Not drunk because drunk usually results in depressed crying over something that I can never remember.  I do remember crying, but never why.  And high just means relaxed happy good feeling and no crying and depression.  So I want high.  M wants to hook up Tuesday.  I don't like pot and he won't get me anything else but I might smoke a little (very little since I'm sick and will probably still be slightly sick then and I'm allergic to smoke).  If I'm high around someone like M, I won't eat so the munchies won't be as much of a problem as they would if I was by myself or around people who I am willing to eat in front of.  I suppose I'll shut up, pop my pills and go to bed.


Friday, October 28, 2011

I went to the doctor.  I was told I possibly have a sinus infection.  Doctors never seem to go as far as to figure out for sure what it wrong.  So there's a good chance it is something else.  But being allergic to so much, there are only two medicines that I can take.  So I guess we'll see if it fixes it...  I weighed 126.25 lbs at the doctor's with my coat and shoes and clothes.  So I guess I'll aim for 118 on Wednesday (when I should get a chance to weigh in again).  Then I want to lose 2 lbs or more each week until J gets here.  That would put me at 112 at the most if I can get to 118 on Wednesday.  I just want to be 112 or less since I was 111 when he was here last.  I plan on working out quite a bit and toning.  I used my Jillian Micheals Total Body Kit thing some today.  Just arm exercises but they were a good work out.  But my arms are quite weak.  Tomorrow I'll try to do some more exercising when I get home from work.  I had soup for supper but I've eaten more than I planned.  Greek yogurt, chocolate grahm crackers, light mixed berry apple sauce, toast, ect.  I'll do better tomorrow.  Raspberries (70) and Greek yogurt (150) for breakfast and then nothing until I get off work.  When I get off work, I'll have an apple (95).  When I get home I'll have asparagus (25).  If I can, more soup for supper (170).  But my mother may make me eat something else for supper instead.  But that's my plan.  Maybe a glass of milk thrown in there too.  I'll start commenting on blogs tomorrow and probably just do a short post about how much I ate/exercise before bed.

I'll try to take pics of me on Wednesday and then again on like the 22nd and we can see if there is much of a difference.  I haven't done progress pictures in forever because I've only managed to gain but I guess I should like restart and see when I can do in about 3 weeks.

I need to find more thinspo soon.  Won't be hard.  Tumblr is great for thinspo.

Thank you William and BrazilianSpice for your comments.  I'm hoping today goes better.  I was supposed to get paid by my new job today.  Except no one could tell me if it was going to be direct deposit or a paper check that I have to pick up.  And I don't work today.  So far, no direct deposit.  But someone said you aren't allowed to cash an actual check from them until 9, so I'll check my account again at 9.  Well, it'll probably be 9:30.  My throat was sore for the past like 3 days and today it is like 786451246 times worse.  I can barely swallow it hurts so much.  I'm trying to drink some green tea but I'm not getting very far very fast because it hurts.  I'm thinking today will be easy to restrict.  Liquids are hard to swallow but I'll try to drink as much tea and water as possible.  Maybe a cup or two of juice...  Not sure on the juice yet because of the calories.  I'll probably have soup for supper.  I'll just live off of low-cal soups and tea and water.  As close to liquid fasting as I can get away with.  I haven't taken any diet pills for what seems like forever.  I'm not quite sure why I stopped but I need to start taking them again.  As soon as I can swallow a pill that is. I've been reading some blogs but not commenting.  I just never seem to be in the right mood to know what to say.  Right now I'm slightly stressing about my paycheck and my mother insists that I go to the doctor because of my throat and things.  If I go to the doctor, they will weight me and I swear their scale can't be right because they always tell me I'm 5+ lbs heavier than I thought I was.  If they weigh me, I doubt I could act normal.  It's a little after 9 already.  I guess I'll check to see if I got paid, shower and head to Iowa.  I should pay my Maurice's bill and get gas and pay my brother-in-law for lunch in Iowa and figure out my paycheck situation if I haven't been paid.  My boring life...  I need to exercise some too at some point...  Might not do an hour like I had planned, but I need to do some.


Thursday, October 27, 2011

I finally added M to the side.  And I had to do this like abuse training class thing today.  And my brother-in-law was there.  He doesn't know he's my brother-in-law.  We ended up talking during the lunch break and we ended up going to lunch.  It was kind of awkward for me but he was cool.  I think I'd rather have ended up with him instead of D because at least his brother is willing to work and go to school and actually do something instead of sit around and bitch and whine and not work/quit jobs after like 3 days.  So now I have his phone number and he has mine.  Apparently he hasn't seen or heard from D for longer than I have.  I think that sentence makes sense...  Anyway, D doesn't live with his brother anymore.  I kinda want to hang out with him again but I'm not sure that I should...  I've been needing a hook up.  It's getting bad...  I don't know what to say.  My mind, my life, my body, everything is like completely fucked up.  I'm suicidal one minute, then like 10 minutes later I'm not.  J is going to be back for like 2 1/2 weeks at the end of November instead of the like 10 days it had been originally.  I need to look good by then.  I was going to try to not eat until like supper but lunch kinda ruined that.  So tomorrow I'm going to not eat until like supper.  I'm going to exercise for at least an hour and then probably go to Iowa and then come home in time for supper and go to bed early (hopefully).  No clue on my weight.  Can't weigh in until like maybe Wednesday.  People are replacing the doors on the house and will be doing that so I would feel awkward if I weighed myself.  And then I'm going to be working and people will be home so I can't.  I don't know what to say.  It's taken me like forever to get this far and my moods keep shifting a lot.  I hate it.  I want to die.  I was really wanting to go out and drink tonight but almost everyone ruined that for me.  I had nowhere to drink and no one to drink with but I had someone willing and able to buy me alcohol.  I think I might have AA get me some vikes.  I'd rather have addys or something but whatever.  I'm going to shut up before this ends up more random and I end up in a mood again...


Monday, October 24, 2011

My weight is currently 120 lbs.  Fuck.  Way too fat.  I feel bloated though from trying to screw with my bc to make sure I didn't have that time of the month (or at least not have it on my birthday which had been likely since it was supposed to be my week off then).  I've still been trying to get Addys but no one can/will get them for me.  One guy got them for himself and wouldn't get me any.  One can't find any but 60 mg and he refuses to give me 60 mg.  One guy refuses to even try to get me anything.  I don't know why a drug dealer refuses to get me anything.  He says he might consider pot and that's it.  Pot gives you the munchies.  Munchies make you eat.  Eating makes you fat.  So pot is a no.  No one knows that I want Addys for the appetite suppression.  I need to lose weight.  I bought Jillian Michaels Ultimate Total-Body Kit.  I haven't really done anything with it yet though.  But I'm hoping it will get me into better shape.  I need to tone a lot and lose weight.  My mother's cat Grinch has a nasty cut thing on her face between her nose and eye.  It's pussy and gross.  I tried cleaning it some but that's a 2+ person job and I'm home alone.  I'll probably have my mother help me clean it later.  AA is on my last nerve.  For multiple reasons...  I'll save that for some other time though.  J has fallen off the face of the earth.  So has D which really pisses me off.  He claims he has a job and his phone has been shut off for like 2 weeks.  The guy from the party like a month ago or whatever has also fallen off the face of the earth.  But M (I still have to add to the side but the guy from the party on my birthday who wants to hook up with me - I never gave him a name last time) is still talking to me.  For now.  But today is his birthday so he was going to Chicago for like a week.  I told him to call or text me when he got back so we could hook up.  I've been wanting to hook up for like ever but I can't ever find anyone to hook up with.  M was going to yesterday but he never texted me back until I was going home because I couldn't wait around any longer.  I was tired and I had already been off work for like 2 hours so I gave up waiting.  I don't really know what else to say in this post.  It's mostly a bunch of random shit thrown together.  My wonderful word vomit.  But my mother will be home shortly so I'll end this here and work on catching up on blogs later.  After Grinch gets taken care of and I get a little more cleaning done.


Saturday, October 22, 2011

I quit K-Mart tonight.  That means that I should be around more.  But I need to go to bed.  But hopefully I can start reading and commenting since I'll only be working one job.  And that means I can have time to do things like work out too.  Anyway, bed.  Might post tomorrow if I have anything I want to post about.  I've been running on sugar and caffeine for who knows how long.  I may just come home and go to sleep tomorrow.  Who knows.


Thursday, October 20, 2011

I woke up still drunk.  I puked.  Twice unintentional, once intentional.  I felt like I was going to puke so I decided to try to speed up the process.  I was still drunk about 12 hours after I stopped drinking.  I had probably 4/5 of a 750 ml (a fifth size) bottle.  Mostly straight.  I had like 1 or 2 strong mixed drinks.  Met a guy.  He wants to hook up some time.  He's pretty good looking.  But he's a drug dealer.  Who also refuses to try to get me certain drugs.  Like AA but AA doesn't really do the whole drug using/dealing thing anymore.  I want some Adderall.  Why is it so hard to find it???  I want it mainly to help me lose weight.  Because it makes you lose your appetite.  I need sleep.  I'm quite depressed.  Yesterday was a very shitty day.  Most of the time I was drinking I was by myself.  Fucking awesome...  I was miserable.  Never going to even try to do anything for my birthday ever again.  I don't know if I will ever drink again either.  I'm tired so I'm going to bed.


Sorry for the shitty post.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

These early mornings are going to be the death of me.  I can't ever manage to drink coffee this early in the morning.  I tried the last time I had to wake up at 4:30.  It ended up 1/2 coffee and 1/2 skim milk with sugar and I could barely handle it.  I haven't been around much and I won't be around much until I start working my normal shift at my second job.  But I'm doing training so I have to work closer to 40 hrs instead of 25 hrs like I will be doing.  So instead of K's party, another coworker said she would have a party at her house in Iowa.  Meaning no bars, but whatever.  And since it's in Iowa, AA can go.  So far there's 6 people going to be there that I know of, including me in those 6.  I don't know what else to say.  I have stuff I would say but I don't have time.  No clue where my weight is.  It was going to be my week off of bc this week but I got new bc yesterday after 1 day off and started taking it.  I didn't want that time of the month to start when I'm going to be drinking and everything.  I was planning on hanging out with AA before the party and that will probably result in sex.  I'm thinking about just having tea and water until like an hour before I start drinking.  At which point, I'll have some cereal and an apple or something.  Well, I gotta get ready for work.


Sunday, October 16, 2011

K doesn't want to have the party on Wednesday anymore because not many people can go.  So I guess we aren't having it.  I wouldn't be thin enough to wear the dress anyway.  I don't know what I'm going to do instead though.  It sucks.  K is wanting to wait until like Halloween or something.  I'll most likely be working so I can't go.  I'm pretty much going to be working constantly for the next 2 1/2 weeks.  I'm supposed to start working my regular shift on November 4th.  So up until then, it will be crazy.  And with things going the way they are at K-Mart, I'll either end up quitting/turning in a two week notice soon or I'll probably end up working over-time.  In the past week, at least 4 people have quit or gotten fired.  But I'll be able to restrict really easily. I'll probably try to fast 1 or 2 times a week while I can.  Once I start working my normal shift at the second job, I'll probably eat once a day 3 days a week and the other 4 days it will vary because I'll only be working at 1 job those days instead of two.  Or if I'm lucky, I'll get the day off.  I have no clue what my weight is.  I almost feel like it doesn't matter because I can see how fat I am.  I'm not anywhere close to 109.  I'm probably 10-15lbs heavier.  I'm hoping part of it is water-weight since my off week of bc starts tomorrow.  I had been planning on getting my new pack tomorrow and just start taking them so I wouldn't have my period on the party but now, I have no plans.  Probably just find somewhere to sleep in my car so I don't have to be at home.  My mother would bitch forever if I didn't go to the party and my life would be more hell-ish than it already is.  I'm extremely depressed and suicidal.  I don't know how much longer I can hold myself together.  I never have anyone to talk to when I need it.  AA never answers his phone, D's phone is shut off, and I don't keep J's number in my phone because I feel like I'm just a pain in the ass every time I text or call him.  He rarely answered anyway and when he did, he would never talk long.  So basically, I have no one. 

Friday, October 14, 2011

Sooooo....  My work schedule next week is really fucked up.  I'm working a lot.  At both jobs.  Training at the new one and working at K-Mart.  Crazy hecticness.  The good thing is, it will be easy to restrict.  But K-Mart is really pissing me off.  I got bitched at for not knowing how to make signs.  Sorry I'm not fucking trained to do softlines and therefore I don't know how to.  The store manager of all people should at least know that I am ONLY a cashier because they keep refusing to train me to do anything else.  They will however, corner me and try to get me to work more/longer shifts and they know that if I can, I will usually take it.  But when I am covering someone shift in softlines like I was last night, I should NOT be getting bitched at for not knowing how to do something.  It's NOT my fucking department.  And I had requested to have all of Wednesday off and then not to come in before 2pm on Thursday.  I requested that off like 3+ weeks in advance.  What does K-Mart do?  Schedules me to work 12pm-5:45pm on Wednesday and gives me all of Thursday off.  Fucking assholes.  I have to go pick K up from her class at like 5:45.  It's at least an hour drive.  I cannot be there in time to pick her up if I'm working that shift.  Fucking assholes.  I'm like so fucking close to turning in my two week notice...  I want the money from two jobs though.  It'll be easier once the training at my other job is done though.  I hope...  I'm working 2:15 to 6:15 today because of a giant scheduling mess.  Yet another scheduling mess...  I'm so mind-fucked from trying to work out two schedules.  Tonight I'm hoping to either see AA or hook up with the guy from the party.  I'm not sure if I should give him a blog name or not.  But if I do, I don't know what name to give him.  I can't do the first letter of his first name because that's T and T is my sister.  So I guess I'll wait and see if I end up talking about him more.  Or maybe when I find out his last name (I think I know due to Facebook creeping but I'm not sure that it's him) I'll use that initial or something.  Anyway, at like 9pm I'm going to take a coworker so she can go do karaoke.  I don't sing but I said I would go.  Apparently my sister T's boyfriend called her at like 4am and told her he cheated.  And she kinda lives (might turn to lived real soon) with him most of the time because she can't drive from home in Illinois to work (1 1/2 hours away) and work 12 hour days.  So she was pretty much living with him because it was closer (30-ish min to work).  So I had to listen to my mother bitch about that situation.  Anyway, I should probably start getting ready for work.  I've had like 600 calories so far.  Kind of a lot.  But I don't plan on really eating for the rest of the day.  I hope anyway.  If I do eat, I'll try to make sure it's healthy.  I did some exercising.  I need to do more tomorrow.  Mainly abs.  I need to make sure I don't look pregnant in the dress I plan on wearing Wednesday.