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Sunday, October 16, 2011

K doesn't want to have the party on Wednesday anymore because not many people can go.  So I guess we aren't having it.  I wouldn't be thin enough to wear the dress anyway.  I don't know what I'm going to do instead though.  It sucks.  K is wanting to wait until like Halloween or something.  I'll most likely be working so I can't go.  I'm pretty much going to be working constantly for the next 2 1/2 weeks.  I'm supposed to start working my regular shift on November 4th.  So up until then, it will be crazy.  And with things going the way they are at K-Mart, I'll either end up quitting/turning in a two week notice soon or I'll probably end up working over-time.  In the past week, at least 4 people have quit or gotten fired.  But I'll be able to restrict really easily. I'll probably try to fast 1 or 2 times a week while I can.  Once I start working my normal shift at the second job, I'll probably eat once a day 3 days a week and the other 4 days it will vary because I'll only be working at 1 job those days instead of two.  Or if I'm lucky, I'll get the day off.  I have no clue what my weight is.  I almost feel like it doesn't matter because I can see how fat I am.  I'm not anywhere close to 109.  I'm probably 10-15lbs heavier.  I'm hoping part of it is water-weight since my off week of bc starts tomorrow.  I had been planning on getting my new pack tomorrow and just start taking them so I wouldn't have my period on the party but now, I have no plans.  Probably just find somewhere to sleep in my car so I don't have to be at home.  My mother would bitch forever if I didn't go to the party and my life would be more hell-ish than it already is.  I'm extremely depressed and suicidal.  I don't know how much longer I can hold myself together.  I never have anyone to talk to when I need it.  AA never answers his phone, D's phone is shut off, and I don't keep J's number in my phone because I feel like I'm just a pain in the ass every time I text or call him.  He rarely answered anyway and when he did, he would never talk long.  So basically, I have no one. 
I.Just.Want.To.Die.
~Kes
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3 comments:

  1. KittyOctober 17, 2011 at 1:27 AM

    Oh honey, it can be really hard to feel alone, and not have anyone there who understands you.

    I am sorry to hear that you are feeling down. Lets keep them crossed that once you have changed your job, it will all change for the better.

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  2. Rowan October 18, 2011 at 7:22 AM

    I know how hard it must be to hold yourself together... sometimes there's just too much life to cope with, and we just have to hang on until things stop spinning. xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. LeighaOctober 18, 2011 at 10:09 AM

    girl! I'm crazy jealous of your restricting abilities.
    I know life is really hectic right now, but it will get better, I promise <3

    ReplyDelete

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