Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Well, I'm gonna probably hang out with J in the morning tomorrow so I won't be able to weigh in.  But my sister bought me a new phone as an early Christmas present.  So I should be able to set it up so I can blog from my phone at some point.  I didn't the the Electrify like I had wanted (U.S. Cellular changed the sale so now it's like $250 with a $100 mail in rebate) so I got the Mesmerize.  My mother got the stuff out of the car today.  It's kinda bad looking but surprisingly almost all of my stuff is ok.  I had eye shadow in the car and it didn't like break apart or anything.  My cds are all fine (a few are a little scratched).  My sunglasses are fine.  I had some Lysol wipes and the lid came off one of the containers and got some stuff wet, but it's fine.  I checked my bank account and my money is back in it.  I don't have a new debit card yet though.  And I don't have checks even though it is a checking account.  I just never bought any.  I never saw a reason to.  I need to go to my bank tomorrow to get an online purchase authorized or whatever.  I'm probably gonna look at some cars tomorrow afternoon too.  I don't really have much else to say.  I'll post pictures tomorrow if I have time.


Monday, November 28, 2011

My stomach actually looked pretty flat this morning.  I guess that's the result of 740 calories yesterday and less than 1000 calories the day before.  The day before included some alcohol.  And it's the result of (in no particular order) having sex, running (from the house I had been held against my will in), struggling while being restrained, being dehydrated, trying to hit/kick/injure the guy who was imprisoning me, and running back and forth in his house trying to get out.  I've had a lot more calories today.  But that's because I ended up having Dairy Queen for lunch because I had to go to the bank because of my debit card being stolen and with no car, I had to take my dad to work, wait til my bank opened, go there, wait for my mom to get off work (about 2 1/2 hours later), and then we had to drop the car off for my dad and then do some stuff in town and my mother wanted to get something to eat (she pick Dairy Queen) before we drove to the town that was supposed to have my car (the person couldn't get the door unlocked to the building it was in so we didn't get to see it) and then we went to Iowa to do some more stuff.  I got to see AA today.  It was the first time since he came back that I saw him.  He gave me a necklace.  I'll post a picture like tomorrow or the day after.  Maybe pictures of the car too.  AA has agreed to not get involved with drugs at all once he's off probation (he had wanted to get back into selling pot at one point after probation but said he doesn't want to anymore - possibly because of what happened to me).  I'm still mentally and physically exhausted from what happened.  I go through like phases where I can't sit still (I wanted to go out and run or exercise or do something along those lines earlier but it was really cold out and I didn't have anywhere I could go to exercise indoors) and phases where I'm beyond tired/worn out (like earlier after I went to the bank I ended up attempting to sleep in the car) and phases where I'm depressed and want to cry (sometimes something triggers this, other times it doesn't - I started crying in the car earlier and I'm not completely sure why).  I'm supposed to train at work tomorrow.  It's gonna be hard.  I probably won't be reading many blogs until next week.  If I even do then.  Depends on all of the cop/legal/ect. stuff for everything.  My posting may also end up sporadic or I'll do picture posts because I don't want to talk or whatever.  So yeah...  I probably won't eat much tomorrow.  Because my stomach feels shitty right now and I haven't been hungry since Saturday (like during the day).  Wednesday I'll post my weight.  And then next Monday will probably be the soonest after that that I can weigh in.  Well, I'm gonna shower and AA's supposed to call and then I'm going to bed.


Sunday, November 27, 2011

Kin is NOT great.  He fucking fucked a bunch of shit up for me.  Him and his damn family/friends.  Never fucking trust a Moe.  Never.  NONE of them.  Long story short, Kin totaled my car (it's technically my parents' car) and it only had comprehensive insurance so I doubt the insurance company will do much of anything.  Kin or one of his family/friends (one of the Moes) drained my checking account.  Oh, Kin totaled my car after a high speed chase from the cops.  Actually 2 chases.  I was left alone with Kin's brother at Kin's brother's house (Kin left and went to some bars - I was going to go with him but he left and I didn't know it until someone said he had been there and left).  Kin's brother was drunk and high and held me against my will in his house for 5 hours before I finally managed to escape.  I have bruises from him restraining me.  Kin's brother took my phone and I may or may not get it back.  Depends on if the police find it.  I went 28 hours without sleeping.  I'm in no mood to eat.  Watch my weight drop now.


Friday, November 25, 2011

Yesterday didn't go as planned and today sucked food-wise as well.  I'm planning on fasting tomorrow and restricting a lot Sunday if possible.  Hopefully less than 500 on Sunday.  Monday no clue.  Too far off to figure out.  I need to get back on track with the weight loss thing.  I have about 35 days until I want to be 109.  Which would be about 16 lbs (guessing - no clue on my current weight but I would guess I'm back to 125 although it may be less but I feel fat enough that 125 is probably accurate).  16 lbs would be difficult but doable.  10 is definitely doable and not as difficult.  I really need to be able to wear my girl's 14/16 skirt by New Year's Eve and I need to be able to not look fat in whatever shirt I wear with it (currently I have no matching shirts that don't make me look fat/pregnant so I need to lose enough weight to fit into one of those).  Anything motivating (words of encouragement or any form of motivating words or links to motivating website or anything that would help me actually manage to lose the weight) would be more than greatly appreciated.  I've been so off track it's ridiculous   It's time for me to get back on track and get rid of this fat.  I need a flat tummy and thigh gap.  I need to be skinny.  Not much I want to say other than that.  E's here until tomorrow around 5.  And AA's coming back tomorrow.  I'm falling for Kin.  The more I hang out with him and find out things about him, the more I like him.  He's amazing.  Tall (I can wear whatever shoes I want and not have to worry about being taller than him because he's like 10+ inches taller than me) with lean muscles (not bulky yet strong enough to lift me up and hold me - ever had sex with a guy holding you up and not against a wall? I never thought that would happen til I was like 105 or less - sexy as fuck) and he likes to read books (like non-fiction books - he reads them to learn which really kind of surprised me) and he's so sweet.  He cares about me so much and I know he won't stop caring.  He means a lot to me.  Ok, enough of that...  Thinspo.


Thursday, November 24, 2011

Well, I can't weigh in today.  My guess would be that I'm 122-ish?  Not good enough.  I keep coughing (have been for like the past 1 1/2 weeks maybe? - it's been a while) and my throat has been killing me just as long (swallowing hurts like a bitch) and nothing I have found fixes either (I have found things that make the coughing worse, however).  So my master plan today (since my family did our shitty version of Thanksgiving last night) is to just live off no/low cal liquids until after work.  At which point I'm gonna eat an apple (80) and then when I get home a kiwi (45).  Then supper will be soup (120).  And I may have a piece of pumpkin pie (275 - I don't eat the crust because I just don't like pie crust) with some Cool Whip (50).  So at most I will have 570.  I may skip the pie or have half instead.  Depends on how hungry I am.  Well, I gotta finish getting ready for work (holiday pay today - time and a half so I'm making $13.25/hr).  I hope everyone has a good day.


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I weighed 121 this morning.  Was hoping for less but at least it's lower than the last time I weighed.  I keep thinking about b/p-ing this morning.  And then I think about just drinking tea and water and coffee all day until supper and only eating supper.  Not sure.  I think I'll try the water and tea and coffee thing.  Throw some coffee and ice and sugar-free syrup and a packet or 2 of Splenda and I'll call if breakfast.  I have to wash the dishes anyway.  Might as well.  Then I have to go to town to cash my check because we got paid today (I took my check yesterday because otherwise I wouldn't have time to cash it until Monday and that would just suck) and then gonna go to Iowa and take Kin to Iowa City (as long as he gives me money first).  If Kin doesn't give me money I'll just do some shopping.  I'm going shopping Sunday afternoon with N.  J is coming back today.  He's gonna be in Chicago today I think and then come down to my area tomorrow.  I probably won't see him til next week if I even see him then.  AA comes back Saturday.  He thinks it'll be around 4.  So I'll probably do some shopping after work or something til he calls or texts me so we can hang out.  Kin gave me an X last night but I haven't taken it yet.  I was gonna wait til AA came back and take 1/2 because AA won't let me take more than 1/2.  J is supposed to have X for me too.  Apparently if X is taken in the right setting (like raves or clubs where there's a lot of dancing or moving) it can be good for weight loss.  And X only stays in your system a little more than 24 hours.  There's about 3% left after 24 hours.  So I'm hoping that even though I'm not going to be at a rave or club or anything like that when I take it with AA that it'll help with weight loss.  When I take it with J there's a chance that it would be at a party or something so that should help me lose a little.  The situation at work is a little better.  Hopefully it'll get even better though.  And it would be fucking awesome if I got a job interview for one of the few places I applied at.  Like the job at Maurice's.  That one sounds great.  I guess I'll keep applying to full-time jobs as I find then but not part time.  I need a job with insurance.  I can't afford a damn doctor without it.  So yeah.  I'm gonna try to keep myself busy with people and hopefully I will be less depressed and can get back to being a good little blogger and reading blogs and commenting and everything.  But I gotta get ready to go to town and do dishes and whatnot.  At some point I'll add Kin over to the side.  Along with change M's age because apparently he's 24.


Monday, November 21, 2011

I weigh 122.  I was wanting to be 110-115 by Thursday.  Clearly that won't happen.  And my mother decided to do Thanksgiving Wednesday night which pretty much ruins my chance of getting below 120 by Thursday.  However, some bitch at work doesn't like me and said I was neglecting my clients, had an attitude, was telling the seasoned staff incorrect information and other shit.  So now my boss wants me to quit.  If this bitch does this shit 2 more times I'm fired.  And I have a feeling she will try to get me fired.  It was a bunch of lies and the boss wouldn't believe me.  The boss just said I was being argumentative and making up excuses.  So now I have to go to more training tomorrow and talk to the boss again.  She basically wants me to quit.  So I'm fucked so I need a new job and there's nothing around here which is why I need out of this area.  But I have nowhere to go.  So I'm fucked.  So yeah...  FML...  I don't know what to do.  J's coming back Wednesday or something.  But I really don't want to see him.  Or anyone for that matter.  I need Kin to get me some good pills.  Maybe he will actually do that Tuesday.  I doubt it though...  I just wish I was dead so I wouldn't have to deal with all of this.  Could I trade lives with my dog or one of the cats?  Their lives are good.  They eat when they want.  Sleep when they want.  Don't have to worry about anything (except my dog has to worry about getting a bath sometimes...).  I wish I was a fucking animal.  Their lives are chill...  I hate my life...  I just wanna die.


Saturday, November 19, 2011

I'm gonna disappear.  Got some shit I have to deal with and problems to run away from.  I need out of here.  Anyone in the US want a roommate?  Preferably a city with jobs that I could get so I don't feel like a bum.  But yeah...  I need the fuck away from this area and the drama and bullshit.  I'm seriously thinking about becoming a stripper if I can get back to 111 lbs.  Quick easy money then I could get the fuck out of here.  So yeah.  Life is hell.  So how about some thinspo of running and such since I'm gonna disappear for a while?  Not like anyone will read this and/or care though.  Whatever.  My other option is suicide and it's looking pretty damn good.

Well, that's all I have of people running.
May or may not be back anytime soon.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Yesterday I had about 975 calories.  So far today I'm at about 841 (although it might be more and it might be less... I couldn't find the calories in the fat-free French vanilla cappuccino I had from Hy-Vee so I just used to calories in one from...  uh....  whatever it was, which may have more calories, and it may have fewer...) and I'm not going to eat any more.  My throat is killing me as is my head.  I feel like complete shit.  So I'm gonna take a nap.  Then maybe read some blogs and comment.  It depends on what time it is when I wake up.  But yeah...  I'm also very close to falling into a very deep depression so if I disappear, that would be why.  Because honestly, I want to disappear right now...  So yeah...  Anyway, I don't know my weight.  My size 7 jeans were feeling a little tight this morning which did not start me day off well.  I though I had lost weight but apparently I haven't.  I can probably weigh in on Monday.  I doubt I could tomorrow.  But I guess there's a chance that I could.  I don't think I'll get to 110 or even 115 by the 24th.  But I don't plan on eating much tomorrow if anything.  Maybe have a can or two of soup....  If I have to eat, it will be soup.  Because my throat hurts and I feel like shit.  Anyway, I'm gonna try to take a nap before my head explodes.

Well, today isn't going as planned.  I didn't wake up until 8 because I didn't get to sleep until after midnight.  Because my hives came back.  My face was covered and my arms had some and my back and chest.  Mainly the upper 1/3 of my body.  I was itchy and miserable and had to go take some Benadryl.  I'm gonna try to work out some but probably not nearly as much because I don't want to break out in hives again.  And I'm slightly too confused to really do much of anything right now.
I weighed like 123 or 123.5-ish this morning.  I was hoping to see less than that because of dehydration or something.  Especially since I didn't even end up drinking that much that night.  I probably had like 10 shots of vodka instead of the like 17-20 I had been planning on.  But maybe not drinking as much didn't dehydrate me as much.  Oh well.  It's already after 10:30 and I've only had 25 calories.  I'm gonna eat a kiwi (46) in a minute.  Maybe 1/2 a bagel later.  The Hy-Vee bakery cherry bagels have 290 calories in a whole one.  I always estimated them at 350 or 400 before.  I love cherry bagels and Hy-Vee is the only place I know I can get them.
My fucked up love life.  I need to get this shit out of my head and, well, this is the best place I could come up with to put it.  So if you want, you can skip this paragraph.  Or read it.  It doesn't matter.  AA told me he loves me last night (through a text).  He wants a relationship and he wants to get his own place when he's off of probation and he wants me to live with him.  I don't know that I want a relationship any time soon.  I like acting like I'm single.  I like AA but he's E's dad's ex-step-brother.  So that's just a little too Jerry Springer/Maury for me.  I like J too and J would be a better person for me.  J would make sure I take care of myself and don't get messed up into drugs and everything.  AA wants to start dealing again when he gets off probation.  So I would get messed up and into drugs.  I'm already starting to get there.  I'm hanging out with dealer more often than not.  There's one dealer that I like and he seems to like me a lot.  He makes me feel good.  I'll call him Kin.  He's the one I met when I was drinking the other night.  He's tall (6'2" and I'm a shorty next to him at 5'4") and kinda thin (I'd guess a BMI of around 19 maybe 19.5).  He's strong though.  Lean muscles.  I like lean muscles.  I hate bulky guys.  He treats me like a queen.  So yeah...  I've got all that to confuse me because I liked things the way they were before AA said he loved me because I was just whoring around sleeping with guys.
Well, I don't know of anything else to talk about.  Gonna try to work out later.  I'm thinking 3.5 mile walk/run once and a lot of toning/strength exercises.  Abs, thighs, and butt mainly.  Some arms but not as much.


Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Well yesterday didn't go quite as planned.  I still ended up drinking and had a good time so that's all that really matters.  Didn't go to sleep until like 5 am and woke up around noon.  Didn't drink nearly as much as I thought I was going to.  I thought I would get stupid pass out (maybe puke but I was hoping I wouldn't reach that point) drunk but I only got tipsy.  And I still had a good time.  Who knew that drinking a moderate amount could be just as fun as getting shitfaced?  I guess I never drank with the right people.  And while I was drinking I met a guy.  Another dealer.  And. well, my love life is getting very complicated.  I'm hoping that it helps me lose my appetite.  Or at least control it...  I'm super dehydrated from drinking.  I'm hoping that when I weigh in tomorrow, I see a loss.  Even if it is water weight that I lost, it's still great motivation.  I haven't taken any diet pills.  I'll start those tomorrow.  I don't really have anything else to talk about...  I'm tired so I'm gonna read some blogs, do a little exercising and go to bed.


Monday, November 14, 2011

Rough plan for today:

**Eat as little as possible (preferably nothing until about 6 or 7 pm - at which point eat something small/healthy - aiming for 300 calories or less).
Take diet pills once today.
Drink as much tea, coffee, water as I want.
Exercise at least 30 minutes (aiming for more - I'm going to try to burn a good amount of cals so I can drink and have a net of 1000 or less).
Clean my room some (not counted as exercise).
Go to bank and my Grandmother's house (probably Grandmother's first around 2 pm and then the bank after).
Go to Iowa and get my bc (probably around 5:45 - then eat something and maybe go to the park and walk around or something) and then get drunk (around 7 or 8).
Pass out.

Rough plan for Tuesday:

Wake up at fuck knows when and eat breakfast at some point to prevent hangover.  Get home at come point and follow Wednesday plan as closely as possible starting with whatever time it is when I get home.
Take diet pills once or twice (depending on when I get home and how I feel - diet pills while hungover doesn't sound like a good idea).

Plan for Wednesday:

*If walks/runs are done in less time than expected, any extra time may be used to rest*
Diet pills 2-3 times today.

7:15 am - wake up and get dressed/ready for a walk/run
7:30 am - leave for 3.5 mile walk/run
Shortly before 8:30 am - arrive back home and do 30 minutes of toning/strength exercises (crunches, squats, lunges, pushups, ect.)
9:00 am - prepare breakfast (250 calories MAX)
9:15 am - eat breakfast (take 30 minutes to eat - drink lots of tea/coffee/water)
9:45 am - leave for 3.5 mile walk/run
Shortly before 10:45 - arrive back home and do 30 minutes of toning/strength exercises
11:15 am - prepare lunch (250 calories MAX)
11:45 am - eat lunch (must take at least 30 minutes to eat - drink lots of tea/coffee/water)
12:15 pm - wash dishes, do laundry, clean
1:00 pm - rest (read books, read blogs, watch t.v., ect.)
2:30 pm - 30 minutes strength/toning exercises
3:00 pm - eat a snack (100 calories MAX - must take 15 minutes to eat)
3:15 pm - rest (read book, read blogs, watch t.v., ect)
4:00 pm - clean my room
5:30 pm - strength/toning exercises until supper
Approximately 6:00 pm - eat supper (eat as little as possible or as healthy as possible and aim for 400 calories MAX - if I have to make my own supper, prepare at 6 to have ready at 6:30 and take 30 minutes to eat and 350 calories MAX)
If I eat supper at 6 and finish eating at 6:30, rest until 7.
7:00 pm - 30 minutes of strength/toning exercises
7:30 pm - shower and rest until bed.

I'm hoping Wednesday is a good day.  With all the exercising, I should have a really good net intake.  If it goes well on Wednesday, I will try to follow it was closely as possible every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.  Although I won't be able to follow it when my dad doesn't work (school teacher means holidays off and winter break and such) or if my sister is home.  And I'll need to find something to do instead of walking now that it's getting cold out.  Wednesday this week is going to be pretty cold so I may have to find something else to do instead.  Might go with 1 hour of exercise videos instead of walking (since the walk would take about 53 minutes based on walking 4 mph).  I think I will go with exercise videos as a back up.  Unless someone has another suggestion.

I weighed about 123.5 today.  I was expecting to see a higher number considering how bloated I was.  Hopefully that means I'll drop a lot of weight quickly and get out of these damn 120s soon.  I have 10 days left in my "15 lbs in 24 days" thing.  And, well, I've managed to lose about 1.5 lb.  Fuck....  So 13.5 lbs in 10 days.  Doubt it will happen.  But I should be able to lose at least 5 and have a noticeable difference if I get in enough exercise.  I need to be able to fit into ALL of my pants again.  I have like 4 pairs out of like 10 that fit right now.  I want the ones that fit to be slightly loose and the too small ones to fit again.  How the fuck did this weight get back on me?!  I miss being 111.  I need to be back to that weight.  And then lower. I need to see 109.  Then 108 and 107.  I WILL be underweight by New Years.  109 is underweight for my height.  That gives me plenty of time.  And New Years Eve is when the rave in Milwaukee is.  I MUST be underweight for it.  The holidays will make it slightly difficult, but I'll manage.  My family is going to have Thanksgiving on Wednesday (the day before the end of my 15 lbs in 24 days) which sucks, but with my family's work schedules the way they are (I work Thursday, Friday, Saturday and my mother works Monday-Friday and every other holiday so this year she works Thanksgiving) I can get out of days of left overs.  My sister work Friday, Saturday, Sunday so that means Christmas won't be celebrated on Christmas either.  My mother is considering combining Christmas and Thanksgiving and only have 1 giant meal because of all the work schedule issues.  Which would be very nice.  Although I don't really eat a whole lot at those meals.  Some turkey, corn, mashed potatoes with gravy, and rolls (rolls are my weakness...).  And 1 slice of pie.  But I don't eat the crust.  I don't like pie crust.  So I can get by with less than 1750 calories for the whole day easy.  But the rest of my family probably will eat 3500+ calories.  The joys of being a picky eater.  I should shut up now and go exercise.