Thursday, June 30, 2011

I need some thinspo.

My Tumblr.

Things aren't going well.
I was hoping to be back soon (like by Monday), but it's not looking like that will happen.
My life consists of trying to find a job, getting things done around the house (because no one else will), trying to lose/maintain weight, and stay sane.
I'm losing my mind.
The cuts on my hip are proof of my insanity.
So much shit I've had to deal with.
It's almost more than I can handle.
No need for details.
Not now anyway.
I read a few blogs when I get the chance and reblog pics on Tumblr.
Reblogging pics happens more because it's quicker/easier.

I hope everyone is doing well.
Or at least better than me.
Stay strong.


Monday, June 27, 2011

Zzyzx Road - Stone Sour

I don't know how else to put this
It's taken me so long to do this
I'm falling asleep and I can't see straight
My muscles feel like a melee
My body's curled in a U-shape
I put on my best but I'm still afraid

Propped up by lies and promises
Saving my place as life forgets
Maybe its time I saw the world

I'm only here for a while
But patience is not my style
And I'm so tired that I gotta go

What am I supposed to hide now?
What am I suppose to do?
Did you really think I wouldn't see this through

Tell me I should stick around for you
Tell me I could have it all
I'm still too tired to care and I gotta go

I get to go home in one week
But I leaving home in three weeks
They throw me a bone just to pick me dry

I'm following suit and directions
I crawl up inside for protection
I'm told what to do and I don't know why

I'm over existing in limbo
I'm over the myths and placebos
I don't really mind if I just fade away

I'm ready to live with my family
I'm ready to die in obscurity
'Cause I'm so tired that I gotta go

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I suppose to do?
You still don't think I'm going see this through

Tell me I'm a part of history
Tell me I can have it all
I'm still to tired to care and I gotta go

Oh yeah
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Still too tired to care and I gotta go
Still too tired to care and I gotta go
Still too tired to care and I gotta go

Yeah, yeah

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

Go home

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

Yeah yeah

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

I'm gonna disappear.  That's all there is to it.  I need to figure things out. I don't know if I'll be back or not.  If I come back, I don't know if I'll be Kes or not.  I don't think I want to be Kes anymore.  I'm not sure I like the name.  It's not mine.  I don't like my name either.  I may still read and comment, once some things are figured out (although, if I change my name, it may make things a little confusing...).  I've got a lot of stuff I should do.  A lot of stuff I need to think about.  I need to focus on getting out of here more than this blog.  If I don't get out of here, I will end up killing myself.  It's as simple as that.  I can't deal with all of this.  I have to find a way out.  Again.  And hopefully it won't lead me back to this place.  Like last time...

You know that little "stats" tab?  If you click on it, it tells you how many times you blog has been looked at.  Well, that's how I know people aren't reading.  I know some people have been reading but I have a lot more followers than readers.

And I'm not having a good day at all.  Last night I was in a pretty good mood, but that all went to shit.  And now today is just bad too.  I weighed 115 at like 9:30 and then around 11 I weighed 116 after only having 1/2 cup of coffee and going for a walk.  It only makes me feel worse.  1/2 cup of coffee does not weigh 1 lb.  I want to give up.  I'm sick of being so fat.  It makes me even more depressed.  I was going to wear skinny jeans today but I just feel too fat and awkward in them.  My life is boring.  I see no need to ramble about nothingness and my boring life.  I've already written more than enough as it is.

Pictures decided to be a bitch to upload so you get 9.  I selected them and hit upload and then only like 3 would upload and then I had to find the ones that didn't upload and try again and then not all of them would upload and yeah... So 9 it is.


Sunday, June 26, 2011

I feel sick.  That's all there is too it.  I'm an emotional wreck and I'm hoping my period starts soon so I have something to blame my emotional-ness on.  I have nothing too interesting to say.  Nothing I want to say.  No one's really going to read this anyway.


Saturday, June 25, 2011

If I had the money I would be divorcing D, but I am broke.  However, he has given me permission to act like I am single, which I plan to do.  I need to learn how to do that and I might as well start now.  I plan on getting as many applications filled out as possible this weekend and Monday.  This sports store I applied at is still doing construction so I am somewhat hopeful about that yet.  I mean, I'm not like fat, but I wouldn't call myself skinny, so I mean I probably look sort of fit/sporty?  I mean I had a baby so everyone is probably expecting me to be fatter than I am.  When I was talking to N on the phone she said that I had lost a lot of weight.  She's the one I saw at Wal-Mart and I waved at her and she was with her boyfriend.  Anyway, my mother went to get my daughter and will be back in like 10 minutes.  I'm kinda bloated yet but I think it's because I need to go to the bathroom but I can't if you know what I mean.  It's been a few days...  Anyway, I weighed just under 115.  So like 114.9?  I don't know.  I took more QuickTrim today and I had green tea (still drinking it actually) and I ate some black raspberries.  I would guess 1/2 cup worth but maybe more, maybe less.  1 cup of black raspberries is 64 calories.  So no matter how many I ate, it wasn't bad.  Probably have more for lunch and maybe some broccoli.  I had to eat something otherwise the QuickTrim would make me feel sick.  My mother is home with my daughter.  I have nothing else to say anyway.  Or at least nothing I can think of...  Oh yeah, I've been reading and commenting on blogs this morning but I don't know how well that will go throughout the rest of the day.  And not for some pictures.