Thursday, June 16, 2011

It's midnight.  Am I tired?  Yep.  Am I going to go to bed?  Nope.  Why not?  Because I don't feel like it.  Tooooo many things swirling around in my brain.  Going to read blogs since I haven't really done much of that today.  Maybe comment if I can put things into sensible words and a sensible order.  I don't think this sounds like gibberish but it might.  Too tired.  Total calories from today yesterday - about 250.  1/2 serving wheat farina cereal - 85.  Broccoli - 50 tops probably less.  1 container vanilla Greek yogurt - 120.

Well I was in a good mood and was really hoping today would be a good day but D decided to call and piss me off.  Now I'm depressed again.  I just want to cry.  I was happy that I wasn't invisible at the concert because a guy looked at me and smiled because I wasn't smiling and he got me to smile and now I just wish I was invisible. D can't seem to have a normal conversation with me any more.  All he ever wants to do is talk about my sister.  Was she at the concert?  Was she with her boyfriend?  Where does your sister work?  What is your sister doing?  Is your sister at home?  ALL the fucking time.  Fuck.  I hate it.  I'm sick of everything always being about my sister.  What about me?  My husband should want to talk to me about things like what I'm doing.  Like did I enjoy the concert?  Did I go with a friend/relative/solo?  I never here any questions about how my day has been or anything.  He's my husband.  He is 300 miles away.  He should want to talk to me about me and my life.  Not about my sister and her life.  Like WTF?  I know he isn't cheating on me with her.  He would at least know which days of the week she works then and I don't think she's the type to cheat.  She's 21 and this is her first serious relationship.  If she wanted to mess around she just wouldn't be in a serious relationship.  She would be "talking" to guys but not "dating" or something along those lines.  I'm sick of always living in my sister's shadow.  In school it was always T's little sister.  No one really knew my name.  And everything was always focused on her.  She played sports because she liked them (I'm not a sport person so I have no clue if she was any good or not) and she was the "pretty" one because she wore make-up and straightened her hair and did whatever to it and she was the determined one because she was always working.  She worked 3 jobs at once one time.  And she was on the honor roll and went to college and passed.  I am smarter than her.  I was never really challenged much and therefor never really gave a shit.  I lost interest in school.  I didn't want to go to school until I knew for sure what I wanted to study.  I couldn't get a job at 14 like my sister.  I'm allergic to pollen and couldn't do pollination (which is what my sister did every summer for like 5 years starting at 14) and I didn't want to work at BK because my mother had worked there and my sister worked there.  I hated it.  I was always compared to them.  And no one in school would ever take the time to get to know me.  No one ever gave me a chance really.  I was just an outcast.  I couldn't be the fun one or anything because that was my sister.  I was nothing and will always be nothing.  That's why I want out of here.  I need my own identity.  I need people to see me.  I need people to quit comparing me to people in my family.  I need friends but I'm too fucked up now to ever be able to make any.  I'm sick of trying.  I'm sick of everything.  I can't take it any more.  I cut so that I can know that everything is real.  So that I can feel something besides emotional pain.  Because otherwise I feel numb.  I take pills to try to make my emotions go away.  Or to bring about happy hyper emotions.  Pot is a downer and I never really liked it.  It made me mellow but not much else.  The pain was still there.  I feel like I'm at the bottom.  Like I can't get any lower.  But somehow I always find out there is something lower.  I'm never at the bottom when I feel like I am.  But I don't see how anything could get worse.



  1. I moved out when I was 16. Life hasn't been easy.. And I have gone through a whole lot of shit.. But at least it is MY shit.. I do regret some of the decisions I made right after I moved out but never the fact that I did.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  2. D sounds like a total douche. I'm sorry you're feeling down again :( you'll be in my thoughts today! <3

  3. Having a "perfect" sister can definitely be a curse. I have two and all people ever talk about is how smart, funny and wonderful they are. Annoying! Hope you feel better today.

  4. I can definitely relate here.
    I have a "perfect sister" and I feel like I have been living in her shadow my whole life.
    She is always buying new cars, new clothes, she has a successful job, a bunch of friends, a wonderful husband, blah blah blah.
    You are not alone, Kes.
    I am sorry to hear that your hubby is being, well, less than you deserve.
    Guys are stupid, they can get like that.
    I really hope today goes better for you; you deserve it!
    Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3