Thursday, June 16, 2011

Thinspo for all of my wonderful followers who put up with me and read my word vomit when I'm sad/depressed/angry/ect.  And welcome to the new followers.  Well, the ones still following.  I was at 53 but apparently the post last night made one unfollow.  Now I'm at 52.  Oh, well.  

I've been reading blogs but I'm really not in the mood to comment.  My dad's been home all day, meaning I can't weigh myself.  I've had 1/2 serving wheat farina cereal (85) and vitamins/supplements/diet pills for another 15 calories.  I think I'll wait til about 1 or 1:30 and eat some broccoli.  I bought some Greek yogurt last night so I might eat one of those before I leave tonight.  And then nothing when I get home.  I need to go for a walk or something yet today.  I haven't done any exercising yet.  I need to.  I didn't sleep too well.  Got to sleep about 1 am and woke up several times.  It was like 8:30 when I gave up trying to go back to sleep.  I really didn't want to be awake though.  I have some progress pictures but I'll post those some other time.  I don't feel like doing the whole camera/computer thing.  I took them this morning.  I'm hoping I can keep my intake low and lose some more and take more progress pics.  I think I beat the plateau since I reached 115.  Not almost 115.  I was 115.  I'm hoping I'm under 115 right now.  Even if it is just a little.  I doubt I talk to D today.  He is supposed to be back Saturday.  I don't know if he is still planning on coming back or not.  Part of me says to get a divorce and part of me says to make an agreement with him to have an "open" sort of relationship.  If I am still married to him, I have a really good chance of getting enough financial aid to go back to college.  And once I get a degree of whatever I can get a divorce.  I don't want to be in a serious relationship anyway.  I've never really spent much time being single.  I've pretty much always been in a relationship.  I dated one guy off and on for like 6 months but the break ups were never that long.  And then like 3 weeks later I was sort of in a relationship with J and I ended up breaking up with J to date this other guy.  So there was like 0 time between J and the next guy.  And when that guy got back from prison things just slowly went to shit.  And like a few weeks later I ended up with the next guy (my daughter's dad) and then I went to Colorado and sort of was in a relationship but I like to pretend that didn't happen now.  When I got back to Illinois I thought I was in a relationship and then slowly over time I just gave up because I never heard from him and then D started talking to me.  He asked if I was single and I just decided I was.  So I've never really gone more than a few week being single and I kinda feel like I need to act like it.  Like act my age and have fun and all of that.  I don't really want to be in a serious relationship.  I've got too many problems that I need to work on.  The whole depression thing needs to be figured out.  If I stay with D, I might be able to get out of this area.  I know it's like using him but I mean there's a chance things might end up better somewhere else.  I know I'm part of the reason the relationship is shit.  If I had things to do and friends and what not I think things would be better.  I don't know.  I've got a lot going on in my mind.  Anyone ever been to Denver, Colorado and Seattle, Washington?  I loved Denver but I've never been farther west.  When I went to Colorado, that was the first time I had ever been farther west than Iowa.  D has been to Seattle and likes it.  I kinda want to go but I don't know that I would want to just move there.  I don't know much about it.  I love art and that's part of the reason I love Denver.  The weather in Seattle sounds great to me.  Shit this is a long post.  Sorry.  Well, I guess the pictures are a lot of it.  Anyway, I should quit rambling.  My mood is slowly improving.  I doubt I have time to comment on blogs and read all of them tonight.  I'll probably leave in 4 1/2 hours and get home at like 1 am.  Well, that kind of depends on if the last band sucks or not.  Last night the last band was a Beatles tribute band.  I skipped it.  I needed to get to Wal-Mart anyway.  Anyway, enough rambling.


My dad started mowing so I got to weigh myself.  114.  Yay!


  1. I wouldn't worry about using D, he seems to cause you so much trouble and a change of area might do you good :)
    114 is great :)
    Nice intake :) and on the last post too!
    I love the thinspo :)
    Glad your mood is improving, I always find writing and reading blogs cheers me up :)

  2. The only thing I can say about this whole situation is that you need to do what your heart says is best for you, my dear.
    I am very glad to see that your mood is improving; you definitely deserve to be happy!
    I hope today continues to go well for you.
    Yay for 114! :D
    Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3

  3. Aww good luck with going back to college! you do deserve happiness, and having a degree will get you right back on your feet!
    do what you feel is right, and stay positive about this :D
    114 is perfect! :O YAY FOR YOU <3
    Good luck, you CAN do it! and we're all here to support you, promise!