I weighed myself.  117.  I ate and purged and ate again and purged again.  I ate the first time because I was hungry.  And then I started to think about eating more and purging.  I tried calling D to figure out if I should or not.  No answer.  So I ate more and purged.  Then I started craving other food.  So I thought about it.  Called D.  He said not to.  I decided to anyway.  So I ate some more and purged.  Then I decided to weigh myself.  116.  I think seeing 117 made me want to eat more than anything.  It really disappointed me.  I had been doing good today and I had felt thinner this morning.  And seeing 117 made me think fuck it.  So I ate and purged and did it again.  And then I felt quite weak.  I think I'm going to have to get a separation before I can get a divorce.  I don't want to have to because then I'll be stuck married to D longer.  So yeah... Enough about D.  My stomach has been hurting and I really think it's from the QuickTrim.  I may not take any tomorrow.  It's Hillbilly Hanukkah time.  Great...  Hillbilly Hanukkah is actually city-wide clean up but people go and dig through other people's trash...  A lot of people are junkers though so they just want anything metal that can be sold for scrap.  My mother wants to drag me along.  I don't really want to go.  It seems like a lot of things in my life are spinning out of control when I know they aren't really.  Things just seem more difficult because everything seems to be happening all at once.  I just want to drown my misery in alcohol or cut.  But since I can't drink and I try no to cut, I use food.  Which makes me want to purge.  I have no one to talk to really.  No friends no family.  No one.  I wish it wasn't so hot and I could exercise until I felt better.  But since it's so hot I just end up feeling more miserable.  I end up sweating with my clothes stuck to me and then I feel fat and miserable and I didn't get to exercise until I felt better to make me even more miserable.  I need to exercise right now but it's too hot.  I'm sweating sitting here.  I can't even exercise for 10 minutes.  I'm just miserable.  I want to talk to J but I know I'll just get on his nerves and I really don't think he cares at all if I'm alive or not or anything.  I don't want to text him unless he texts me first because I know I'll just seem annoying and needy and clingy or whatever.  I'll respond if he texts me but unless I have a really good reason to text him I won't.  A good reason would be if I lose like 10 lbs and want to know how skinny I look.  If I get a job I may text him out of excitedness and good news.  Which I would probably text everyone in my phone who gets texts then anyway.  I may stay up late and exercise tonight.  Like stay up til 11 exercising.  Maybe even 12 or later.  I really depends on the exercises and such.  I will probably run out of energy before 12 though.  Hopefully I can get in at least an hour of exercise.  I want 2 or 3 hours but I doubt I can make myself do that much.  I may make a 3 hour long playlist and workout as long as I can to that.  I feel like doing a lot of crunches.  Maybe a lot of squats too.  I just want to exercise and burn a shit ton of calories.  I'm not too sure why I'm rambling like this.  Possibly because my room is too hot to exercise in yet.  It's not as bad as it was when I started typing this.  I think I'll try fixing the broken string on my guitar tomorrow and then maybe attempt to tune it.  And then maybe try to learn to play something on it.  I just need something to do that would be productive and not involve food.  And it will be 93-ish degrees tomorrow so any exercising will have to be done early.  I plan on being up about the time my dad leaves so I can hopefully get in a decent workout.  I need to be skinny.  I need a job so I can maybe go to a gym or get a membership at the Y or something.  I want to do MMA but I don't want to appear not serious.  I can't do one good push up.  Even on my knees.  I want to have a fairly strong body.  At least strong enough that I can make it like 90% of the way through a workout.  I don't want to appear weak or anything.  I want to be skinny.  I want to fight at 105 or maybe even 95.  I don't want to have to cut a bunch of weight just for a fight.  I want a strong body with like no fat.  I really need to quit rambling.  At least it isn't a I'm-super-pissed-off-I-want-to-kill-myself-I-hate-the-world-I-want-to-cut sort of rambling.  I think my room is cool enough to start working out.  At least some.  Sorry for such a long rambling post.

~Kes