Friday, June 24, 2011

Fasting didn't happen.  I decided to take a QuickTrim and it made me feel sick so I had to eat.  I'm pretty sure I've had less than 1000 calories.  No idea though.  I've read some blogs and commented but I figured I should ty to get in a good post because tomorrow I might not be able to.

Yesterday D had wanted me to take him to get some job apps.  I told him I would probably be able to and told him to call me at like 7:30 so that I would be awake and get ready and I could ask my dad if I could and whatever and D had wanted to leave around 9.  D didn't call.  I wake up at like 9:30 and there's nothing from D.  So I kinda start getting annoyed and pissed and what not.  I try calling D and he won't answer his damn phone and I get more pissed and things just get worse.  D was a complete ass to me on the phone and I end up wanting to kill myself.  I call J but he has his phone off because he is at the range.  And I freak out some more because I didn't think I would be able to kill myself before my mother got home and everything and my mind goes fucking insane.  And I was going through my contacts.  No one to call.  And again.  No one again.  And then I decide that I would try calling N (will be added to the people list if N comes up a few more times... I may not ever talk to her again who knows).  I haven't talked to her since December.  She didn't answer so I break down even more.  And then she calls me and we talk on the phone for almost 2 hours.  It's like 1 when I get off the phone.  I had been crying and freaking out and everything for like 2 hours.  And then my mom comes home.  I do some cleaning in my room.  Mostly going through clothes and what I don't want/doesn't fit is going to be sold at my parents' yard sale.  More fighting with D.  Some cutting.  I think I talked J on the phone last night too because freaked out after fighting with D more and wanted to kill myself.  I was sitting in the bathroom with a razor in my hand.  The veins in my wrist stood out so well and I was just staring at them think I should but thinking I shouldn't because I don't want to go to the hospital or anything because it's too hard to hide and to hard to die from cutting your wrist.  J didn't answer and I had settle for my ribs.  My hips already had cuts.  I might have cut my hip earlier.  I don't remember.  J called back later.  We talked for about 20 minutes.  J tried to get me to go to the hospital to get my cuts checked out.  I've cut enough to know how to take care of them and I knew they did not need stitches.  J seems to underestimate my knowledge of cuts and how to take care of them.  At least he cares.  At some point things end up ok-ish with D.  I agree to take him to get job apps the next day (today) as long as he pays for gas and gives me money and buys me jeans and lets me fast.  He agreed to it all and it was his chance to try to make everything ok between us.

Now for today.

D was supposed to call me at 8:15 when he wakes up.  He didn't.  I was awake at like 6 something and managed a little more sleep but I was awake around 8:30.  I called D and he didn't answer.  Pissed me off.  He calls me about 8:40 and says he's on his way and whatever.  I get ready and whatnot.  D calls when he is almost to my house to ask if it is ok for him to come to my house.  Of course it's fucking ok, Dumbass.  I asked my parents if I could take D to get job apps they said ok and they know he is coming.  And I was home alone.  It pissed me off how D avoids my family at all costs.  So D and I fight some and I cut some more.  D tells me that he would much rather have me cut my wrist instead of my hips or ribs.  Apparently he wants me to kill myself?  The plan had been to leave around 9.  We left around 12:30 because D was a dumbass.  He should have found out which places had online apps first.  But no.  He has to wait until we are about to leave before he calls every fucking place and drags out the fucking call as long as he possibly can.  And we fight like the whole time.  I made him get gas and he seemed to think that it is possible to overflow a gas tank.  No, it isn't.  And it took him forever to figure out how to work the pump after I just explained it to him.  It really pissed me off.  I told him he was going to get gas and give me money before I took him anywhere.  He had agreed to this.  And the he kept telling me to go and I told him I was not leaving until he gave me money.  Eventually he gave me $30.  He had promised me $50.  Pissed me off and I yelled at him more.  And to make things worse once I started taking him places, he treated me like I was fucking retarded.  He was like I think I saw Henderson Street over that way.  No duh dipshit.  I fucking know where Henderson Street is.  But the place on Main seemed more logical to get first.  Then I was going to go to fucking Henderson.  And then he wanted fucking Chinese food.  What the fuck ever.  I drop him off.  My mother wanted me to get some stuff for when my daughter is over this weekend.  So I was going to go get that stuff.  I went to Target.  I found jeans.  Boot cut jeans on clearance for $10 and skinny jeans on clearance for $5.  I'm not too big of a fan of skinny jeans but I bought 1 pair in a size 7.  I bought two boot cut jeans.  One size 7 and one size 5.  The 7 is a little lose and the 5 is a little tight.  The skinny jeans fit fine though.  I bought some make up.  And left to get D.  Went to Wal-Mart to get the stuff my mother wanted since it didn't happen at Target.  And D comes up with one more place for me to take him.  So I take him there and then I have to take him somewhere so he can pee.  So I do that and wait way to long for him to pee.  And he's talking on the fucking phone.  D is excessively loud when talking in his native language.  It pissed me off.  Then I tried leaving to go home because he said he wanted to go pee then go home.  Then he tells me to park because he has to make a call and he wants me to take him somewhere else.  It pissed me off.  He tried calling and doesn't have the right number and we fight some more and I take him back to his car (which he had insisted on taking to a parking lot because he claimed he wanted to visit his friend and shit and didn't want his car at my house).  We didn't talk at all on the drive back and then I went home.  And D had said he would call me when he got home but he didn't.  He texted me at one point but it just said "Hey babe?" so I don't know where he was.  Let alone do I care.  I just want a divorce.  D spent the whole fucking day lying to me.  He lies to me all the fucking time.  He lied on the job apps too.  He would change his work history so it looked like he worked at places longer than he did and he would change his address.  He used to use me for a reference which really pissed me off and I told him not to and then he somehow got this genius idea to change my last name and then use me as a reference.  I told him not to and that if any place called me and asked if it was me with the fake last name I was going to say no.  It kinda pissed him off.  He knows enough people that he should be able to come up with his own fucking references.

I think I'm done rambling about that.  I need to wash my mouth out with salt water, finish going through all of my clothes (I got about 2/3 of the way done with my closet yesterday - I still have the other 1/3 and my dresser to do), and go to sleep.  Hopefully tomorrow won't be too bad.  I feel quite bloated and my guts have been gurgle-y.



  1. :( sounds like an awful couple of days. hang in there.

  2. I'm sorry to see you are going through rough times. I had problems with cutting when I was younger, and I really hope you are able to work through those issues. Best luck xxx

  3. damn girl you need to drop that loser D.
    Good luck with your intake today!

  4. wow, he really sounds like a douche! but you're amazingly strong kes, in that you have dealt with him for so long, I would have cracked if I had to deal with shit like that! i really hope everything works out your way, he does not deserve you at all!

  5. I'm sorry you had such bad days.
    I used to cut from age 10 to 16, then i tried to quit and now i still cut but less often, most of the time i scratch my skin with a needle untill blood comes out. I'm not saying it's better, it actually hurts more but scars fade away faster. But self-harm is bad and it's better not to do it at all. Maybe one day we'll manage to stop :)

    I hope tomorrow will be much better!
    Stay strong ♥

  6. That sounds like a crappy two days and D sounds horrible!
    I hope you feel better soon :)
    Lottie x

  7. i wish you all the best and hope the next few days will be better:) don´t let D bring you down, you´re strong and gorgeous, you can do it!!!

  8. Your "husband" sounds like such an asshole loser. Start the divorce process now...the longer you wait, the worse it will be.