Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I've been doing some candy sorting at work.  As in, I've been sorting out the expired candy from the not expired.  You would be surprised how much expired candy has been sitting around by the registers waiting for people to buy it.  There were M&Ms that were made in 2009.  They would have expired in early/mid 2010.  They were older than my daughter.  Gross.  It's made me not hungry.  And I the bc pills are making me sensitive to smells.  Reese's Peanut Butter Cups smell disgusting to me.  I guess that's a good thing because I could eat a bag of them at once.  I would feel gross and want to purge after, but I like them enough that I could and would eat that many at a time.  But now they just seem disgusting.  I'm hoping that it will stay this way and that I will find more foods disgusting.  When I was pregnant I became super sensitive to vegetable oil.  I still kinda am.  But I'm fine with canola oil.  And Friday I was supposed to work 5-10:30 but this person I work with has to take her son to the doctor so he can get his shots so he can go to pre-school or day care or whateverthefuck it was.  So I am going to be working from 9-2:30?  Something like that.  I know 9 am and the manager said I could work until 2:30 or whatever so that I can get my hours instead of losing 1 1/2 hours since the person was supposed to work 9-1 meaning I would work fewer hours.  So yeah...  I didn't want to close really.  And the thought of going to the river and drowning myself after I close occasionally pops into my mind.  So it's better if I don't close because I have no one to call and talk to if I did want to afterwards because I deleted J's and AA's numbers.

I'm weighing myself tomorrow morning because apparently my mother is taking Friday through Tuesday off work.  So I will have to go 5 days without weighing myself.  It's gonna suck.  I may have to figure out another way.  I think D has a scale...  I could probably go weigh myself there sometime...  He would want sex though.  And I don't want sex with him.  And I haven't been on bc long enough for it to be effective.  And I don't think he would know that it isn't effective yet.  So I may go without weighing.  I don't know.  I still need his damn divorce papers so I can fill mine out.  And he was supposed to have given me his so I can fill mine out already and he was supposed to have turned his in.  I am really getting pissed off with him.  He keeps telling me shit like "very soon".  But of course his version of "very soon" is like 2 months from now.  This shit is really getting old.

I'm not sure if J knows about this blog or not.  I don't think he does.  But I think he wants me to think he knows how to find it.  And it sort of is working, but I don't think he actually knows.  I think he is bluffing.  Because if he knew, he would prove it.  Right?  He just has me confused as fuck.  If he does know, I want him to prove it.  Then I want him to talk to me directly about it.

Tomorrow is the day I will start putting in the effort to change my pill/drug issues.  I'm nervous about it.  I'm not completely ready.  I've eaten a lot today because of it.  At least I did when I got home.  I had pizza for supper.  Hy-Vee has pizza slices for $.99 on Wednesdays so people were talking about getting pizza and it made me want pizza.  So that kind of started it.  I'm hoping September will be a good month with the pill/drug issue and food/weight and everything.  I could really use a good month.  I mean, I want everything on track and going smoothly.  I want a good month.  I would love to be at a new low weight by the end of September.  It's possible.  111 is my low weight.  110 would be lower.  And that's only 5 lbs from what I weighed in at this morning.  It's completely possible.  I just have to focus on my goals and work hard and hopefully I will succeed.  I hope September is good to everyone too.

I wanted thinspo with words.  Normally I just do the next 10 pictures, but I went through and tried doing only the ones with words, but these are the only ones that would upload.  The others were taking too long.  I'll probably not write much tomorrow, so I'll probably post extra thinspo then.

Yesterday I ended up working late.  The cashier who was supposed to come in, didn't.  So they needed a cashier from 2-4 so I said I would do it.  They probably could have found someone else to do it, but it probably would have been more trouble than it would have been worth.  It was slow and boring yesterday.  But my bc pills made me feel nauseous and I had a bad backache and headache.  Not sure if those were caused by the bc or not.  So I took a lunch break at 2:15-ish and bought Dramamine and took 1 of those and 2 Aleve.  It made me feel a lot better.  I'm hoping I don't feel as bad today.  The nausea made me eat more than I should have because at first I thought I was just so hungry that I was feeling sick.  Obviously not.  I know better today though.  So I will do better today.  I read blogs yesterday after work but I didn't comment because I was really tired and felt bad for eating as much as I did.  I'm not going to guess how many calories I had because I'll probably be way off.  But today, I will do a lot better.  And I will take Dramamine once I start feeling sick.  And I'll take Aleve once I start feeling sore.
I'll try to read and comment on blogs but I have to be at work at 10 and I need to shower this morning.  After work though, I should have time.  As long as I feel decent.
Tomorrow I was thinking about trying to fix my pill/drug habits.  I wouldn't say it's an addiction.  More of a compulsive sort of thing to deal with moods/issues.  I don't have any pills/drugs currently, so the main points are to not acquire/try to acquire any and to learn to deal with the moods/issues that cause me to want pills/drugs in a safer way.  I was going to try to fix the cutting issues (like the pills/drugs, it's not something I do all that often, but I get urges to a lot and I need to learn to deal with the urges better) at the same time but it seems like a lot to have to deal with while the bc is causing me problems.  So once I get to the point where I think I can handle fixing the cutting, I will try to work on that.  But that might be one month from now or even 6 months from now.  It all depends on how things go with the pills/drugs and the bc and work and everything.  I need to work on not binging and not purging too.  I'll do those when I feel like I am ready.  I don't purge often at all.  But I get the urge to and I don't know how to deal with it.  So I need to figure out what to do when I get the urge.  It causes like bad anxiety and usually makes me want to cut or take pills/drugs.  And binging usually makes me want to purge.  I want to be able to do an average intake of like 750/day.  And I can't do that if I have these urges to binge or purge.  So I have a lot to work on.  But I'm going to take it slowly.  So that I have a better chance to succeed in this.  I think J wants me to quit my disordered eating habits.  Like all of them.  But I told him that I was just going to work on the pills/drugs because the nausea would make it hard to work on food issues.  He sounded like he was ok with it.
I weighed 115 again this morning.  I ate too much yesterday.  Like I said.  And working longer meant I got a lunch along with my break so I bought a Lunchable to eat so the Dramamine and Aleve wouldn't make me feel worse.  Aleve on an empty stomach can make you feel nauseous.
I need to finish my tea and shower.  And depending on what time it is, I'll maybe try to read and comment some.  I usually try to start from the oldest posts and work towards the newest because its easier to keep track of what I've read and what I haven't that way.


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Yesterday I had 1 cup of Hy-Vee cereal, 2 plums, 2 cups of grapes, coffee, and strawberry lemonade (generic Crystal Light stuff).  I think that was it.  I chewed a piece of gum before my appointment for bc.  Because I was having bad anxiety and if I didn't, I would probably end up biting my nail.  But this will have to be short because I have to get ready for work and leave shortly.  Yesterday I bought some fingernail polish, cereal, Special K protein water mix, 3 tank tops, a girls' size large shirt and a girls' size large pair of shorts.  And I bought some earrings and some sunglasses.  J had taken my good sunglasses when we came back from Champaign so I finally got around to buying another pair of good sunglasses.  I'm going to wait until tomorrow to weigh in.  I weighed 115 yesterday morning (I was really bloated looking and feeling for some reason) and I weighed 118 (with shoes and fully clothed and after I had eaten several times during the day) at the bc appointment.  And I will do 2 ear piercings for ever pound I lose from tomorrow's weight.  I'm doing 2 at a time because I want to keep my piercings looking even and normal and because I want like 10.  And I want to do my lower lip but I'm gonna wait on that one until I get to like 110 or maybe 109 or something.  I'll decide later.  I've gotta get ready for work now.  I'll try to finish reading and commenting on blogs when I get home from work.  I may post again later.  Don't know yet.


Sunday, August 28, 2011

Tomorrow I am going to allow myself to eat:
2 apples (190)
2 plums (60)
2 cups grapes (130)
1 cup Kashi cereal (180)
1 cup Hy-Vee total cereal (160)
Unlimited tea, coffee, water, drinks under 5 cals per 8 oz

So I will have about 720 calories at most.  If I eat less, that would be great.  If I eat it all, that's ok.  I was just going to do fruits but I though the protein from the cereal would be good for me.  Healthy and keep me fuller longer.  And the Kashi is a lot of little pieces so I can eat them one at a time and it'll take a long time to eat.  I'll baggie the cereal when I wake up so that I have that done and baggie the grapes too.  I know I need to read and comment on blogs more, but tonight, for whatever reason, I'm depressed and I don't really feel like reading and commenting.  I think I'm just gonna drink some tea and go to bed.

I'll try to do better tomorrow.  And for the next like week.  I want to be able to be back to almost normal blogging and dieting and everything.  Nothing seems normal right now.  I don't know why.  I hope everyone is doing better than me.


Saturday, August 27, 2011

I keep finding it difficult to figure out what to say.  I know I should say something.  I just can't ever figure out what.  I have the internal war in my head of whether I should try to quit my addictions or not.  I can't ever figure out if it's worth it o try or wait until I have no choice.  I'm pretty much to the point where I have no choice about pills/drugs.  Although I could put in the effort to find some, it almost doesn't seem worth it?  J has been trying to (sort of) get me to quit cutting/taking pills/ect.  But I've just never really been ready.  I'm still not completely I guess.  D keeps telling me he misses me and keeps asking if I miss him and wants to get back together.  I don't want to get back with him and I don't know why he doesn't understand that.  Haven't talked to AA.  He would want me to quit all of my shit.  I think...  It doesn't matter.  I don't want to quit it all.  I am not small enough to be ready to maintain weight.  But with J being so far away, there's no way he would know if I was actually getting better with everything or what my weight is or anything.  He wants me to quit being eating disordered.  But I'm not that bad.  I want to be like 107.  That's only like 2 lbs underweight.  Maybe go down to 105 (4 lbs underweight).  That's not bad.  My weight has been crazy lately though.  112 one day and then 115 the next.  Not sure why.  It can't all be fat.  I've been eating mostly healthy things.  A lot of fruits.  Apples, grapes, plums.  And some whole-grain cereals.  Kashi Go Lean cereal and some Hy-Vee generic Total cereal.  They've got fiber and protein and stuff so they are healthy and keep me full.  Not too great calorie-wise, but not too bad.  A lot better that eating something like Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Cocoa Puffs or whatever though.  My calories have been closer to a normal range I think.  About 1400-1800 on average I guess.  Mainly because of long shifts at work and then my mom has been working at an auction place this week cleaning stuff so she was bringing fast food home for supper.  Made it hard to stay lower when you have a cheeseburger sitting in from of you.  If you say no, they will know something is up.  So you eat it and hope it keeps you full the rest of the night. At work today this customer was talking to another cashier about going on Weight Watchers or something and the customer said that it's easier and more effective with a group.  So the customer had suggested maybe getting some people at work to do Weight Watchers with the cashier.  Then the customer looked at me and said "Not her though.  She's too skinny."  I felt pretty good about that.  By "too skinny" I think she meant I was just too skinny to do Weight Watchers but not too skinny in general.  But at least people think I'm skinny.  And yesterday I had an old guy hit on me.  He was like 50-ish.  He left me alone pretty quickly.  But today another guy, who wasn't as old, hit on me.  He said I was as cute as a button.  Apparently I am now 3.  Because that phrase should not be used to describe someone above the age of like 3.
Anyway, I'll try to read and comment on some blogs tomorrow and Monday I should be able to.  Most days this week I should have time.  I think.  So hopefully I'll be back.  I doubt I'll have as much time to read and comment and such because I'm going to be working like 36 hours this week, but it'll be better than the nothing that it seems like it has been.
Hopefully things will make more sense shortly because I doubt they just did.  Anyway, I'm tired.  And not sure what to say which makes things not make much sense because the words don't end up making much sense when I type them.


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Kinda scattered/random thoughts.  My mind is not functioning properly.  For various reasons.  I hope this makes sense though.

I had about 1200 calories yesterday.  My mother bought pizza for supper.  Barbecue beef.  Not sure how many calories are in it, but pretty much guaranteed to be a shit ton.  If it wasn't for that, it could have been a decent day.  I estimated the pizza at 800 calories.  I had 1 2/3rds slices.

I weighed 112 this morning.  I bought some groceries after work yesterday.  Mostly healthy or semi-healthy stuff.  I bought 3 boxes of healthy cereal, 3 boxes of Nutrigrain bar things, a package of caramel corn rice cakes (for a sweet low cal treat), reduced sugar oatmeal, plums, grapes, green beans, and whole-wheat pasta. I think that was all I bought.  I needed things that I could take to work so I could eat something on break or after work so I wouldn't come home and binge.  The more healthy food there is, the more likely I am to eat it and stay away from junk.  I hope...

My sister has the car I normally drive because she was going to go look at a car in the Cities.  So I am either stuck at home or driving a car with no insurance.  And "don't open the passenger door because it will break".  I feel lazy so I'll probably stay at home.  It's hot out too.  The high is supposed to be like 94 degrees.  So I'll probably stay at home.  I didn't fall asleep until like 1 am and I woke up like 5 times before finally getting up at 8:30 am.  So I'm tired.  I should try to do a little exercising.  Like some push ups, squats, lunges, and crunches.  I need to start exercising again.  It hasn't been too long since the last time I exercised, but it's been long enough.

Monday I have my appointment at Planned Parenthood.  I'm hoping I can get on bc and not have to pay a lot.  I can't really afford much right now.  Since I bought groceries, I don't know if I have any money that I can spend.  I don't know if I can even afford to get my hair cut.  I'll have to figure out my budget again.

I don't know what's for supper.  I'm hoping it's healthy and low cal.  My moods have been all over the place.  I need it under control but I threw away my pills so I can't really control them.  I don't know how.  I'm a mess.  Tomorrow will be one year since I left for Colorado.  It's making things difficult.  I left on August 25th from Iowa.  I got to Colorado on the 26th.  That night I got drunk and lost.  On the 27th, I OD'ed.  So that's part of the reason I'm so scatter-brained.  So yeah.  I can't deal with it all right now.  I'll just post some pictures and shut up now.

My hair: