Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I've been doing some candy sorting at work.  As in, I've been sorting out the expired candy from the not expired.  You would be surprised how much expired candy has been sitting around by the registers waiting for people to buy it.  There were M&Ms that were made in 2009.  They would have expired in early/mid 2010.  They were older than my daughter.  Gross.  It's made me not hungry.  And I the bc pills are making me sensitive to smells.  Reese's Peanut Butter Cups smell disgusting to me.  I guess that's a good thing because I could eat a bag of them at once.  I would feel gross and want to purge after, but I like them enough that I could and would eat that many at a time.  But now they just seem disgusting.  I'm hoping that it will stay this way and that I will find more foods disgusting.  When I was pregnant I became super sensitive to vegetable oil.  I still kinda am.  But I'm fine with canola oil.  And Friday I was supposed to work 5-10:30 but this person I work with has to take her son to the doctor so he can get his shots so he can go to pre-school or day care or whateverthefuck it was.  So I am going to be working from 9-2:30?  Something like that.  I know 9 am and the manager said I could work until 2:30 or whatever so that I can get my hours instead of losing 1 1/2 hours since the person was supposed to work 9-1 meaning I would work fewer hours.  So yeah...  I didn't want to close really.  And the thought of going to the river and drowning myself after I close occasionally pops into my mind.  So it's better if I don't close because I have no one to call and talk to if I did want to afterwards because I deleted J's and AA's numbers.

I'm weighing myself tomorrow morning because apparently my mother is taking Friday through Tuesday off work.  So I will have to go 5 days without weighing myself.  It's gonna suck.  I may have to figure out another way.  I think D has a scale...  I could probably go weigh myself there sometime...  He would want sex though.  And I don't want sex with him.  And I haven't been on bc long enough for it to be effective.  And I don't think he would know that it isn't effective yet.  So I may go without weighing.  I don't know.  I still need his damn divorce papers so I can fill mine out.  And he was supposed to have given me his so I can fill mine out already and he was supposed to have turned his in.  I am really getting pissed off with him.  He keeps telling me shit like "very soon".  But of course his version of "very soon" is like 2 months from now.  This shit is really getting old.

I'm not sure if J knows about this blog or not.  I don't think he does.  But I think he wants me to think he knows how to find it.  And it sort of is working, but I don't think he actually knows.  I think he is bluffing.  Because if he knew, he would prove it.  Right?  He just has me confused as fuck.  If he does know, I want him to prove it.  Then I want him to talk to me directly about it.

Tomorrow is the day I will start putting in the effort to change my pill/drug issues.  I'm nervous about it.  I'm not completely ready.  I've eaten a lot today because of it.  At least I did when I got home.  I had pizza for supper.  Hy-Vee has pizza slices for $.99 on Wednesdays so people were talking about getting pizza and it made me want pizza.  So that kind of started it.  I'm hoping September will be a good month with the pill/drug issue and food/weight and everything.  I could really use a good month.  I mean, I want everything on track and going smoothly.  I want a good month.  I would love to be at a new low weight by the end of September.  It's possible.  111 is my low weight.  110 would be lower.  And that's only 5 lbs from what I weighed in at this morning.  It's completely possible.  I just have to focus on my goals and work hard and hopefully I will succeed.  I hope September is good to everyone too.

I wanted thinspo with words.  Normally I just do the next 10 pictures, but I went through and tried doing only the ones with words, but these are the only ones that would upload.  The others were taking too long.  I'll probably not write much tomorrow, so I'll probably post extra thinspo then.



  1. Ah yes, expired candy. Thanks for the reminder. I work retail too but it's been a long time since I did the candy. I usually do the baby food. But it is gross how old some of the candy can be.
    Bc= birth control, right? Back when I was on it I also got all nauseous at first. Doc said it was normal while my body adjusted to the pills and to eat stuff that was easy on my stomach. The sick feeling did go away after about a month. Like 3 weeks I think.
    Lol then I was hungry all the time!

  2. if you put your mind to it you will be at a new low weight by the end of the month!! you can do five pounds easy!! Stay strong girl!!

  3. married? if there is a post that explains pls link me! 5 days without a scale sounds horrid, the only time I went without one was when I was away on vacation but it made me think that was an excuse to eat and I gained :$

  4. That is so gross about the candy! I told myself anything that has ingredients listed that cannot pronounce or picture in my head is not food and I cannot eat it, which pretty much covers all candy. It's been working.