Saturday, August 27, 2011

I keep finding it difficult to figure out what to say.  I know I should say something.  I just can't ever figure out what.  I have the internal war in my head of whether I should try to quit my addictions or not.  I can't ever figure out if it's worth it o try or wait until I have no choice.  I'm pretty much to the point where I have no choice about pills/drugs.  Although I could put in the effort to find some, it almost doesn't seem worth it?  J has been trying to (sort of) get me to quit cutting/taking pills/ect.  But I've just never really been ready.  I'm still not completely I guess.  D keeps telling me he misses me and keeps asking if I miss him and wants to get back together.  I don't want to get back with him and I don't know why he doesn't understand that.  Haven't talked to AA.  He would want me to quit all of my shit.  I think...  It doesn't matter.  I don't want to quit it all.  I am not small enough to be ready to maintain weight.  But with J being so far away, there's no way he would know if I was actually getting better with everything or what my weight is or anything.  He wants me to quit being eating disordered.  But I'm not that bad.  I want to be like 107.  That's only like 2 lbs underweight.  Maybe go down to 105 (4 lbs underweight).  That's not bad.  My weight has been crazy lately though.  112 one day and then 115 the next.  Not sure why.  It can't all be fat.  I've been eating mostly healthy things.  A lot of fruits.  Apples, grapes, plums.  And some whole-grain cereals.  Kashi Go Lean cereal and some Hy-Vee generic Total cereal.  They've got fiber and protein and stuff so they are healthy and keep me full.  Not too great calorie-wise, but not too bad.  A lot better that eating something like Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Cocoa Puffs or whatever though.  My calories have been closer to a normal range I think.  About 1400-1800 on average I guess.  Mainly because of long shifts at work and then my mom has been working at an auction place this week cleaning stuff so she was bringing fast food home for supper.  Made it hard to stay lower when you have a cheeseburger sitting in from of you.  If you say no, they will know something is up.  So you eat it and hope it keeps you full the rest of the night. At work today this customer was talking to another cashier about going on Weight Watchers or something and the customer said that it's easier and more effective with a group.  So the customer had suggested maybe getting some people at work to do Weight Watchers with the cashier.  Then the customer looked at me and said "Not her though.  She's too skinny."  I felt pretty good about that.  By "too skinny" I think she meant I was just too skinny to do Weight Watchers but not too skinny in general.  But at least people think I'm skinny.  And yesterday I had an old guy hit on me.  He was like 50-ish.  He left me alone pretty quickly.  But today another guy, who wasn't as old, hit on me.  He said I was as cute as a button.  Apparently I am now 3.  Because that phrase should not be used to describe someone above the age of like 3.
Anyway, I'll try to read and comment on some blogs tomorrow and Monday I should be able to.  Most days this week I should have time.  I think.  So hopefully I'll be back.  I doubt I'll have as much time to read and comment and such because I'm going to be working like 36 hours this week, but it'll be better than the nothing that it seems like it has been.
Hopefully things will make more sense shortly because I doubt they just did.  Anyway, I'm tired.  And not sure what to say which makes things not make much sense because the words don't end up making much sense when I type them.



  1. I certainly hope you do decide to stop your addictions, you won't be happy until you're free of them.

  2. The smart thing is probably to stop with the pills and stuff but yeah, easier said than done. I think it’s kind of impossible to quit before you’re truly ready, but please be careful. Oh, and being called too skinny is always great (not that I can really relate at the moment, but I’m assuming.) By the way, I really like your new hair-colour!

  3. One step at the time is my new motto.. Maybe start with one- and when you are ready tackle the next..