The other night/yesterday morning (it was like 12:30 am) I talked to J on the phone because I was extremely depressed/suicidal/anxiety attack/ect. I told him some things I hadn't told anyone. I'm wishing I hadn't now. I either want to keep all of my skeletons in the closet or I want them all out. I don' want some here and some there. And right now some are here and some are there. I can't make J forget what I told him. I want to talk to AA. I don't want one person to know all of my secrets yet. I don't want J to know everything. If I have to tell someone I would want AA to know some and I would want J to know some and if I find more people, they might be able to know some. I don't want one person knowing everything. At least not in this point in my life. Anyway, J had been drinking and was to the point where he couldn't lie (but he promised me he would remember everything I said... Great... (sarcasm)). He really cares about me and says I'm a really good friend. He asked me my honest opinion of him. Oh god... So I kinda wasn't sure what to say. J somehow managed to get me to say part of my honest opinion. I told him that I liked him. A lot. I wish I hadn't. I said that I wish I could date him again in the future but I know that he would never date me/give me another chance/ect. He said I didn't know that. But J knows I have PTSD. I wish he didn't know that. He doesn't know why. Or at least not all of it. Part of the reason I have PTSD is what caused me to hate August. I binged yesterday. I ate like 2300 calories. 2000 of it was kind of at once. It started when I got off work and I got stressed and started eating and kept eating. I had to stop eating for 30-ish minutes while I waited in line to pay my phone. And then it continued. Then I went to Wal-Mart. I was going to buy a little bit of healthy food. Then I decided not to for whatever reason. Went to check the price of shampoos and conditioners because I need to buy more but I'll buy some from work today because it's cheaper. And I bought toothpaste because I'm low. Checked to see if they still sold retainers for piercings. I need $15 for nose and monroe retainers. I'll probably use a monroe ring thing in my bottom lip when I pierce it. I want to buy retainers first so I can have something in the hole while I work so it can heal properly. And then I looked at the clearance clothes and bought a $3 plaid pink long sleeve shirt. I wanted to buy a small but there wasn't any pink smalls. There were blue smalls (which is what I saw first) and then I decided to see if there were other colors and I found a pink but it was a large and it looked large. After like 10 minutes of searching I find a medium pink. So I buy the medium. I only saw 2 pinks and 3 or 4 blue ones. But I liked the pink a lot more. So I may post a picture of it but that would depend on my mood on Thursday or Friday because those would be the easiest days to post pictures. So I get ready to check out and there's candy up by the checkout lanes and of course I can't resist so I grab a bag and when I get out to the car I end up eating more. I just kept eating until like 8:30. I did 10 minutes of crunches and then 5 more minutes of exercise. And then I decide to attempt to sleep. I decided to weigh myself this morning and I was still 113. Somehow. I'm going to wait until Friday to weigh again and try to be really good until then. I work 2-6 today so I can skip supper. And tomorrow I work 6-close (10:30) so should be able to skip a real supper. I'm going to try to stay under 500 cals tomorrow to help make up for yesterday. I gotta make some lunch and get ready for work soon-ish. I've had 60 calories so far (in the form of a small pancake with ginger, cinnamon, and nutmeg) and lunch is going to be rice with some spices (I'm thinking chili powder, garlic powder, onion powder maybe, and whatever else I find that looks like it might be spicy because I want something spicy and my mother had bought a garlic rice thing - one of those you add water and whatever to and cook it on the stove - and when I ate it I thought it would be good with spicy sort of spices in it and it was so I'm going to attempt to make something similar and lower-cal). I'm going to cook 1/8 cup which will make like 3/8-ish cup. So it'll be 80-90 calories depending on what I add and how much. I'm trying to stay under 300 cals today since I fucked up yesterday. Since I don't go into work until late tomorrow, I'm going to hopefully read and comment on blogs. I may try to do that tonight too if I'm in an ok mood. Who knows. I also want to do some artsy things. I have flower pots to finish painting yet for my orchids. And I want to do this thing with melting crayons... Ok before this ends up any longer and any more random, I'll post thinspo and make lunch.
~Kes
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