Tuesday, August 9, 2011

This post was not written all at once so it has the potential to be kind of random.  I didn't read it over before I posted it.

The other night/yesterday morning (it was like 12:30 am) I talked to J on the phone because I was extremely depressed/suicidal/anxiety attack/ect.  I told him some things I hadn't told anyone.  I'm wishing I hadn't now.  I either want to keep all of my skeletons in the closet or I want them all out.  I don' want some here and some there.  And right now some are here and some are there.  I can't make J forget what I told him.  I want to talk to AA.  I don't want one person to know all of my secrets yet.  I don't want J to know everything.  If I have to tell someone I would want AA to know some and I would want J to know some and if I find more people, they might be able to know some.  I don't want one person knowing everything.  At least not in this point in my life.  Anyway, J had been drinking and was to the point where he couldn't lie (but he promised me he would remember everything I said... Great... (sarcasm)).  He really cares about me and says I'm a really good friend.  He asked me my honest opinion of him.  Oh god...  So I kinda wasn't sure what to say.  J somehow managed to get me to say part of my honest opinion.  I told him that I liked him.  A lot.  I wish I hadn't.  I said that I wish I could date him again in the future but I know that he would never date me/give me another chance/ect.  He said I didn't know that.  But J knows I have PTSD.  I wish he didn't know that.  He doesn't know why.  Or at least not all of it.  Part of the reason I have PTSD is what caused me to hate August.  I binged yesterday.  I ate like 2300 calories.  2000 of it was kind of at once.  It started when I got off work and I got stressed and started eating and kept eating.  I had to stop eating for 30-ish minutes while I waited in line to pay my phone.  And then it continued.  Then I went to Wal-Mart.  I was going to buy a little bit of healthy food.  Then I decided not to for whatever reason.  Went to check the price of shampoos and conditioners because I need to buy more but I'll buy some from work today because it's cheaper.  And I bought toothpaste because I'm low.  Checked to see if they still sold retainers for piercings.  I need $15 for nose and monroe retainers.  I'll probably use a monroe ring thing in my bottom lip when I pierce it.  I want to buy retainers first so I can have something in the hole while I work so it can heal properly.  And then I looked at the clearance clothes and bought a $3 plaid pink long sleeve shirt.  I wanted to buy a small but there wasn't any pink smalls.  There were blue smalls (which is what I saw first) and then I decided to see if there were other colors and I found a pink but it was a large and it looked large.  After like 10 minutes of searching I find a medium pink.  So I buy the medium.  I only saw 2 pinks and 3 or 4 blue ones.  But I liked the pink a lot more.  So I may post a picture of it but that would depend on my mood on Thursday or Friday because those would be the easiest days to post pictures.  So I get ready to check out and there's candy up by the checkout lanes and of course I can't resist so I grab a bag and when I get out to the car I end up eating more.  I just kept eating until like 8:30.  I did 10 minutes of crunches and then 5 more minutes of exercise.  And then I decide to attempt to sleep.  I decided to weigh myself this morning and I was still 113.  Somehow.  I'm going to wait until Friday to weigh again and try to be really good until then.  I work 2-6 today so I can skip supper.  And tomorrow I work 6-close (10:30) so should be able to skip a real supper.  I'm going to try to stay under 500 cals tomorrow to help make up for yesterday.  I gotta make some lunch and get ready for work soon-ish.  I've had 60 calories so far (in the form of a small pancake with ginger, cinnamon, and nutmeg) and lunch is going to be rice with some spices (I'm thinking chili powder, garlic powder, onion powder maybe, and whatever else I find that looks like it might be spicy because I want something spicy and my mother had bought a garlic rice thing - one of those you add water and whatever to and cook it on the stove - and when I ate it I thought it would be good with spicy sort of spices in it and it was so I'm going to attempt to make something similar and lower-cal).  I'm going to cook 1/8 cup which will make like 3/8-ish cup.  So it'll be 80-90 calories depending on what I add and how much.  I'm trying to stay under 300 cals today since I fucked up yesterday.  Since I don't go into work until late tomorrow, I'm going to hopefully read and comment on blogs.  I may try to do that tonight too if I'm in an ok mood.  Who knows.  I also want to do some artsy things.  I have flower pots to finish painting yet for my orchids.  And I want to do this thing with melting crayons...  Ok before this ends up any longer and any more random, I'll post thinspo and make lunch.


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