Thursday, August 11, 2011

I didn't have to go get my sister and her friend last night.  My sister's friend got wasted like super fast and my sister had a rum and coke or something along those lines and apparently it was horrible so she quit drinking after that.  My mother didn't want my sister drinking anyway because it makes my sister's ulcers hurt and it makes my mother get all paranoid and shit.  So yeah...  I went to sleep and woke up at like 3 am with a text from my sister asking if I was up from about 3 hours earlier.  Apparently my sister's friend was passed out in the car and my sister was going to try to carry her inside and kinda wanted me to help.  My sister just left her friend out in the car.  Yeah...  I should start another load of laundry but I don't know if I should do lights or if I should do towels and things like that.  I already washed and dried jeans/my work pants and brights are washed and in the dryer.  I washed the dishes.  I'm not sure what to do next.  I'm kinda nervous about talking to J.  I've been stressed and nervous for the past several days.  I haven't really been depressed today but I have been the past several.  My eating has been horrible because of it.  The only good thing is I think I'm out of binge foods.  The bad thing is I ate it all.  So I'm hoping that from tomorrow onward, I will be able to get back on track and lose weight.  I'm supposed to meet D at 5 and get the papers and then I was going to go buy some shampoo and conditioner since I'm out and I hate using the crap my mother buys and I'm supposed to go get a watermelon and gas.  Then work at 6 and then I'll probably talk to J around 10:45-ish.  I don't know what to say to J.  I want to talk to him but I don't at the same time.  It would be so much easier if I was drunk/high.  Except I can't legally drink and I have to drive home after work so that's out and getting high is also illegal.  Even though I am referring to taking my anxiety meds, I have terrible anxiety about the thought of taking them because I kinda really OD'ed on them once and I seem to think that that will happen again.  I was not trying to kill myself but no one believes me about that.  I just wanted high.  And 4 didn't work (granted I did not allow enough time for it to work but whatever) so i took 4 more and I remember nothing after that until a few bits and pieces at the hospital.  If I was trying to kill myself I would have probably taken the pills with alcohol (which I didn't but the people who were with me said I did - one said I drank beer the other said I drank vodka but I clearly recall that it was a Gatorade and it was a pink one) and I would have done it at a time/place where no one could/would walk in and find me easily.  I would have done it when everyone had just fallen asleep and I would have gone off to some remote area.
Anyway, my mother is home so she gets to finish the laundry.


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