Thursday, August 4, 2011

I want to weigh myself.  But it's not Friday.  So I ate to keep myself from weighing.  Oatmeal.  Does anyone else absolutely hate oatmeal?  I've purged up more appetizing looking things.  And the texture reminds me of a really nasty purge.  It tastes ok-ish I guess, but the texture is just horrible.  I choke it down because one instant packet has like 106 calories and keeps me from being hungry for 3+ hours.  I'm going to attempt some Insane Abs Insanity after I'm done with this post.  I'm planning on eating a Greek yogurt and broccoli before I leave for work and then claim I ate in Iowa after work.  D has the divorce papers, I just have to get them from him so they can get filled out.  I don't want to fill them out with him because I don't want to be alone with him anywhere.  I called and asked if I could get them before work today and he said he didn't know.  He seemed to think after work was better.  Asshole.  He knows I don't want to get them after work.  After work, I just want to sit in the car for like 15 minutes and then go home.  AA still hasn't said anything to me.  J is being quiet.  I feel like I'm just annoying.  I sent him a weird video.  I was kinda funny.  I'm not sure how funny he would find it though...  I'm hoping it gets him to like say something.  I don't like the awkwardness.  I told him I got to sell alcohol yesterday and the most he said was lol nice.  Whatever then...  Work was very stressful.  I didn't like it.  I work at 2 today.  I was planning on leaving early and getting the divorce papers and maybe buying some candy.  The K-Mart I work at has short dated candy on clearance for like 75% off.  I could have bought some yesterday but I just wanted out of there.  I wanted to get gas and go home.  So that's what I did.  I'll be able to resist eating it because if I couldn't, I would have bought some yesterday.  I'm hoping work isn't as stressful today.  They seriously need to learn to have more than one cashier working at a time.  Quite annoying because I don't really know what I'm doing.  I'm running out of things to talk about...  My intake yesterday was less than 1200.  I did a little exercising.  Not much.  I just didn't have the motivation.  And I couldn't ever figure out what exercise to do next.  I'm hoping today I can stay under 700 calories today.  If I eat a Greek yogurt and broccoli later I'll have a total of about 300 calories eaten.  That would leave me with enough to eat a piece of cake and maybe have a small glass of milk?  Depends on the size of the piece of cake.  But it should work out.  Hopefully...  I'm feeling a little lazy.  I was going to post some personal pictures but I don't want to go through the process of putting the picture on my computer and everything.  Maybe tomorrow or Saturday?  My daughter might be coming Saturday.  My mother wants her over anyway.  Me?  Not so much.   I want to rest/relax on my day off from work.  Not run around the house getting more stressed out because no one will help me with anything.  I'll be expected to do laundry, dishes, cook, and watch a 16 month old who likes to run and get in to anything and everything she isn't supposed to.  There is a reason I don't raise her.  It's because I can't handle doing all of that. I'm 19.  I'm not ready for all of that.  My depression and anxiety and all of my problems make it too much to handle.  So yeah...



  1. The texture of oatmeal kind of freaks me out too. lol I'm sure it will be a staple in my diet again when I come off of my fast, but for right now water is my best friend. I didn't realize that the hardest part wouldn't be physical hunger, but my mental addiction to food. Like holy shit I really want that cheeseburger. lmao

    I think you are making the right decision in not raising her right now. I don't think any of us want our children to grow up with the same problems we have, and that would probably happen if we raised them. I don't have children, but if I did I know I wouldn't want to be responsible for them right now. I have too many issues, and children take so much work and a degree of selflessness I just don't have.

    Good luck with getting the divorce papers and getting that all taken care of. Also, good luck with the new job. I'm glad it seems to be working out for you so far, though you're right, they really should have more than just one cashier at a time.

  2. I can take oatmeal if its flavored, made with milk and not a whole lot of it. After like 6 bites it starts making me gag.

  3. I thought I would introduce myself a bit seen as I've just started following your blog. I'm Nikki, 18 years old...and I don't know what else to say, haha.

    I hate oatmeal, I have no idea how anyone can eat it cause I too have purged better looking things and I'm fussy with food textures and the texture of oatmeal is horrible.

    Good luck with sorting out your divorce papers, it sounds like it's been a tough time. Hopefully see you around.

  4. hope there won't be much going on at work - i was so bored at work today because we hardly had any customers, so i hope it's gonna be quiet for you too <3
    good luck on your 700 cal plan :)

  5. It's good you're sorting your divorce - let me know what you weigh in at and I'll do the same (:

    Your divorce is going to be your new start, but you need to try be there for your daughter too. You know you can do it.

    Ride the waves, don't let them engulf you.

    ~And thanks for the comment! I too am a fully fledged atheist. I just chat shit about it being for sprititual and soul cleansing reasons ;D <3