tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83177475230593467872024-02-07T13:34:41.164-06:00Five Faint Footstepskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.comBlogger372125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-21222640352842960162016-04-09T11:35:00.000-05:002016-04-09T11:35:25.403-05:00SickI'm currently sick. Fever, sore throat, cough, stuffy nose. I've been drinking loads of juice. At least there's vitamins in it. And the sore throat is keeping me from wanting to eat so the juice is at least proving calories so I can hopefully get better because I am completely miserable. I had to work yesterday and then I started counseling at a new place. I really don't want to go to counseling but I don't like having ptsd flashbacks either. I couldn't tell the counselor everything. I just can't ever tell anyone everything. There's only been one person to validate what happened. Everyone else gives neutral or negative responses. Like 'Oh, ok' or 'You shouldn't have ___' and I stopped telling people what happened. It's been over 4 years. I was told by my last counselor that I was over it when I said just the very basics. I knew I wasn't over it but I knew that meant he wouldn't be helpful. So we'll see how things go with this counselor.<br />
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My weight is horrible. Hopefully being sick will help fix that since my throat hurts too much to eat. The weather is starting to get better also, so hopefully I can get outside and exercise soon. Hope everyone is having a good day.<br />
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~keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-61687401843691483752016-03-09T10:18:00.000-06:002016-03-09T10:18:01.779-06:00DreadTomorrow I have an appointment to switch birth control. I have an iud which will need removed. Apparently I'm going to have to get a pap done too. FML. I have no one to take with me. Everyone I would have go with me is working. For those who didn't read this back in 2011 or simply forgot, I was held against my will and sexually assaulted. The ptsd has been causing horrible flashbacks recently. That is courtesy of my ex comparing me to the girl he moved on to. Her brother raped her and she's ok now and uses it as a strength and blah blah blah. No one should ever be raped. And no one should ever have their rape compared to someone elses because no two rapes are going to be exactly the same. I got blamed for it by family, friends, police, ect. Basically everyone said it was my fault and that I wanted ever event from that night to happen. I've never gotten proper counseling. I get told I need to see a psychiatrist and put on so many meds I'm no longer a person. His new girl didn't tell her family or anyone and hasn't tried seeking help. Then later he told me she isn't ok and doesn't use it as a strength. Thanks for triggering weeks of flashbacks asshole. It had been a year since I had had any issues. Now it's daily. Now I can barely function without anxiety meds. I honestly don't know if I can make it through my appointment tomorrow. I really just want to cancel it. I have no idea what to do.... I haven't had anyone to like actually talk to about it. I was planning on getting a referral for a counselor that I actually know and I know won't just try to shove pills down my throat but I honestly don't think I can go through with the appointment.....keshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-58114776879208653842016-02-22T14:20:00.000-06:002016-02-22T14:20:00.086-06:00So.... Yeah...It's been a bit... I dated a guy for over 2 years and we broke up and I've been busy moving and and trying to get my things and whatnot. It's been stressful and it has not been easy at all. He instantly had a new girl. But he gets super mad when he finds out I'm interested in a new guy and shit. I really like this new guy but my ex just tears me down and destroys me and calls him my fuck buddy and says all that matters to me is sex and that the guy I like only wants sex. It's horrible. I spend some days crying all day because of how mean he can be to me. My weight has been fluctuating because of the stress and my period that decided to start. Some days I barely eat because I'm just not hungry. Some days I don't realize I haven't eaten til my stomach growls. Some days I just keep shoving food into my face thinking it will somehow relieve the stress. Hopefully today will be the last day that I have to deal with my ex. I'm getting the last of my stuff and I'm getting a new phone and a new phone number. Everyone tells me to just block his number. I don't think anyone realizes that without a restraining order I can only keep his calls from ringing. They would go straight to voicemail and it'll show missed calls from him and all of his texts will still go through as normal. The guy I like now has been great. He's done a lot to keep me sane. He calmed me down with 2 texts when I wanted to cut. I don't know of anyone calming me down that quickly. I really want him to stay in my life. He means a lot to me even though I haven't known him that long. He doesn't know about blogger but he knows I've been dealing with eating issues. I even showed him pictures of my lower weights. So yeah... I really like him... But we'll see how this goes... Hopefully I'll be back soon.<br />
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~keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-5918925324364350302016-02-02T18:41:00.001-06:002016-02-02T18:41:46.978-06:00MovingMy weight hasn't changed much. Although a period had a bit to do with that. I'm in the process of moving back in with my mother. It's good and bad. A lot of changes are going to be made. I'm going to try to swich jobs. I'm going to try to go to counseling. I'm going to try to get out of debt. I'm going to try to take some tests for college credit and then try to go to college. A lot of this should've happened already. But I was in a relationship that was holding me back. I thought it would be like a slingshot and pull me back just to fly me quickly forward and a lot of good things would happen. But nothing good was coming. It was just holding me back and making me miserable. We fought all the time. I wanted to be an adult and sit down and make a budget and figure out who would pay for what and how to get debts paid off and how to move forward. He wouldn't. I couldn't get any closer to any of my goals. Now he's gone and already seeing someone else. I honestly think something was going on between them before. He was/is a very active snapchat user and once brought up how I would feel if someone sent him nudes. So I think she probably was sending him nudes and they were probably flirting for a while. There's almost 10 years age difference so I really don't think it'll work out in the long run. I am going to use my single-dom to improve myself. And I deserve to be with someone who encourages me to be the best me that I can be and not hold me back. Time to start improving.<br />
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~keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-50395416049664356602015-12-19T21:54:00.000-06:002015-12-19T21:54:09.798-06:00StressedIt's been a stressful however long it's been since my last post. My weight is up and I'm not sure why. I really hope I'm not getting my period and it's just from stress and not eating right. It's been stressful because of work and Christmas coming up and birthdays. And not having money and wanting to do so many things and wanting to buy so many things for other people. I'm hoping after Christmas is over I'm less stressed and I can have more free time to exercise and cook healthy low calorie foods for me. I need to appear like I'm being healthy and eating enough calories. After the new year I should have plenty of time to exercise after work on Mondays and Tuesdays because I should be getting off work at 2 pm. I'll have time to rest after work and even nap first if I wanted. My life is very much not exciting right now. I'll probably start looking for a new job after the start of the new year also. I need out of debt and I need to lose weight. I can't believe I let myself get this big......<br />
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~keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-16190364328110095412015-12-05T22:54:00.002-06:002015-12-05T22:54:48.599-06:00I Don't Know What to Title ThisI'm so unsure what to say. It's so depressing to see so many blogs gone. Some of my favorites are gone. Part of me wants to unfollow every inactive blog I follow and start over. But part of me hopes some will come back. Part of me wants to read the blogs that are inactive that still exist before unfollowing. I'm just so unsure. It's a bit overwhelming. If anyone can point me to active blogs that I may not be following that would be wonderful. I think there's like 3 active/semi-active blogs that aren't truck advertisement blogs in my feed. I would like something new to read while trying to clean out my blogger account of deleted blogs and such. That will take some time. I'm not sure of what else to say right now... I guess goodnight unless it's morning, then good morning. I think I'm gonna take some pills and go to bed.keshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-68133626820417869912015-11-26T11:52:00.002-06:002015-11-26T11:52:48.830-06:003 years laterHappy thanksgiving. It's been over 3 years. Wow. I tried to log on but I couldn't figure out which email/password I used. It was saved on the computer I haven't really used in forever. It was broke for over a year so I bought a new one. In those 3 years a lot has happened and at the same time not much has happened. It seems like the community this place used to be has kind of largely fallen apart? Disappeared? Moved elsewhere? My dad passed away in September 2013. I totaled a car. I dated several guys. I was with a guy for about 2 years and that kind of fell apart recently. I honestly think he is dealing with too much stress and refusing to do anything about any of it. He cannot change his dad but he can try harder to budget and get out of debt so he can move out. He is slowly turning into his dad. A fat lazy slob. We used to go to parks and hike and now he can't even walk for 10 minutes without being winded or saying his feet or knees hurt. I've gained quite a bit of weight. I'm trying to get rid of it but it was hard with the lazy boyfriend who only wanted pizza, pasta, mountain dew, and chocolate milk. We'll see how losing weight goes now. The question is, should I come back to this blog or use my current one?keshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-55811747098121305252012-03-17T11:28:00.001-05:002012-03-17T11:28:11.405-05:00My new blog is<a href="http://fightingfor105.blogspot.com/"> Fighting For 105</a>.<br />
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~Keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-57894932745176884132012-03-14T21:16:00.000-05:002012-03-14T21:16:57.520-05:00So i am starting a new blog with aa under a new profile since its the two of us doing it. Its diet and exercise related and mma training related. Ill post a link when we start it and i cant link on my phone anyway. And i think im gonna start a new personal blog with the same profile. I just feel i need a new start. Im not going to delete this one though. Ill post a link to it too when i make it and am on a computer.<br />
~Keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-6724183733687505952012-03-12T12:43:00.000-05:002012-03-12T12:43:28.550-05:00I think I might start over blogging. Like make a new one. Quit using this one. I've just not been using this one as much as I would like and I would like a new one. One more towards my goal of a featherweight (105.1-115 lbs) MMA fighter although I would prefer bantamweight (95.1ish-105 lbs). I don't know the low weight for bantam. I just know 105. Because 103 would be lovely for me. I'm gonna think about it. I'll post a link if I make a new one and follow back those who follow that blog.<br />
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~Keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-14971901300722430942012-03-10T16:43:00.001-06:002012-03-10T16:43:40.524-06:00So ive been busy with cleaning mainly. And filling out job apps. Been away from the computer and not been on my phone really. I finally have my room like 98% clean. Which means i have room to work out in my room now. Basically in working on getting shit done. Find a job and lose some weight and get in shape. I want to be an mma fighter. Ill hopefully be back to blogging soon and making another blog with aa. And im pretty sure aa bought an engagement ring. Im nervous. I know hes been looking and stuff. I love him and he supports me in pretty much everything i do. Ive shown him my blog and hes ok with it. Ive shown him tumblr and thinspo and and he tells me either its too skinny or i can look like that. He is the most amazing guy ever. I love him. Anyway imma go and hopefully be back to blogging in a day or two. I send my love to all you lovies.<br /> ~Kes<br />keshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-51689746400178339462012-03-03T20:39:00.001-06:002012-03-03T20:39:41.516-06:00AA has managed to make me go from super happy to super depressed. So I'm off to go hide under my rock and cry about the fact that I put a shit ton of work into something just to have to undo 95% of it because AA wouldn't help me create a good stopping spot. I wanted help but he left so my parents made me undo most of my work. I worked on my room for like 6 hours and instead of having like 2 hours of work left I have like 5. So much for that. Rant done. Off to cry as AA pisses me off some more.<div>
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~Kes</div>keshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-9203198119253660472012-03-02T19:12:00.000-06:002012-03-02T19:12:56.391-06:00I weighed in today. 119 lbs. Finally back under the 120's. Now to keep going lower.<br />
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~Keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-1464854155288115052012-03-02T01:04:00.002-06:002012-03-02T01:04:46.905-06:00<br />
Well my good news is, I think I am on the right medications - no thanks to the psych ward that refused to admit me when I clearly needed it >:( . But anyway, short post because I need to go to bed. I've been kicking some ass at the gym lately. Weighing in tomorrow since Monday clearly didn't work out. Monday before that I don't think worked out either... Anyway, got a lot of stuff I want to do tomorrow so I'm gonna try to kick some ass and get it done. Or at least as much as possible. A super long post is most likely in the future. But a quick question - I was thinking about making a separate health/fitness related blog and having AA help with it. Good idea? Bad idea? Would you check it out if I did so? I was thinking like exercise routines (with and without equipment), videos on how to do some exercises, healthy recipes, and diet related stuff. I would still use this blog. AA had looked at some of it and he is ok with it. He even is going to let me post a picture of him on here. I'll probably do that tomorrow. He looks kinda goofy in the picture because he was laughing but he looked pissed off otherwise. Anyway, I should go to bed. Night all.<br />
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~Keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-57955312147298967412012-02-29T20:06:00.000-06:002012-02-29T20:06:09.715-06:00So i wanted to go to the psych ward because i couldnt handle my anger outbursts. I was hitting myself (couldnt get ahold of a razor bc of aa) and my meds were not working at all and i was suicidal. Like really suicidal. My plans to go to the psych ward that night got fucked up so i had to go the next morning. And there were a lot of issues going on with that. I decided i didnt want to. Aa and i fought a lot. He had to prety much drag me to the hospital. We went through all the bullshit with taking my temperature and blood pressure and all that bullshitty stuff. Then we sit and wait. And wait. Then we go to a room and get told we need to go to the other hospital with the same name. So we go. Go through the same bullshit. Get put in a room. Go pee in a cup. Get the third degree from some psych evaluator who treated me like i was 5 and insisted everything was all my fault. Ive said that all along. They say they wont admit me. So we leave. And aa and i fight. We get to the car and fight. He drives. Insists i need to go back in and get admitted. We fight. I get out and start walking. He follows. We fight. I hit myself and things. Like the metal pole holding up a sign. You dont wanna see the bruises on my hands. We fight more. It just so happened at a stop light there was an ambulance going back to the fire department from another call. Aa waved them over. One guy talked to aa and the other talked to me. Back to the hospital. Waiting forever and then a psych eval again from the same bitch. She blamed me and aa for me being the way i am. Blame my fucking parents. Theyre the ones who made me this way. Aa is trying to fix me. He makes ke do things i dont want to do bc he knows its good for me or will help me. Anyway. I get offered the choice of being admitted or not. The place sounded like hell. Aa thought he could handle taking me home. So if my hand was broken i would go to the psych ward. If not i would go home. Reasoning - if i broke my hand my emotional issues are clearly bad enough that i need help but if my hand wasnt broken then aa should be able to handle me. My hand wasnt broken. I should have had the other hand xrayed instead though. It hurts worse and looks worse. Went to the doctor yesterday and got on some different meds. So far so good. Better anxiety meds and a better mood stabalizer. Hopefully itll work well. The mood stabalizer causes drowsiness and knocked me out like most of yesterday. Doctor said it should subside within a week. Ive been more alert today. Ive burned approximately 1257 calories and ive consumed about 1010 calories. Ive eaten a little less because aa ate a few bites of my toast. He takes big bites too. I suppose thats it for now. Im tired. I think im gonna go sleep in the parking lot where aa works until he gets off. Im planning on being home tomorrow through sunday morning so hopefully ill catch up on some blogs (as long as the internet works).<br /> ~keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-82053834140555274502012-02-25T18:39:00.002-06:002012-02-25T18:39:57.367-06:00I'm going to go check into a psych ward tonight so I'll be gone for a while longer.<br />
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~Keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-28507724943017960382012-02-24T12:18:00.000-06:002012-02-24T12:18:40.357-06:00So ive been at aas. Aa has a job and has been training every morning this week. And he doesnt have a car but i do so my car is getting him to work. Ive been working out at the y some. I got fired from my job because of something really stupid. My anxiety has been really high. Like all of my mental/emotional problems have been bad enough that i probably need a psych ward. Nothing looks like its getting better. I wanted to b/p one night and aa could understand that its an emotional thing for me. He kept telling me to eat a little of this and that and stop. He said it was because im starving myself. No. I would be craving one thing then and i would be ok with either a little or a healthier version. Like chocolate? If it was from being deprived fruit with a little melted chocolate or chocolate syrup would work. In a b/p situation it wont. Aa knows i have a blog but he doesnt quit understand what one is or why someone would have one. The picture? He said i could post it. Apparently he thought i meant facebook. No... But he said i could post another picture of him. I just gotta take one first. Hes also letting me eat once today. Normally he would make me eat twice. Because im supposed to take lithium twice a day. But i want on new pills. Its been kind of obvious that they arent working. So aa isnt making me take them so i can eat once today. I tried for nothing but he said a protien bar would be ok. Thats less than 200 calories so i guess it works. Im gonna go turn in some job apps and things later then hopefully go to the y to burn off those calories and then some. Anyway. I need to go feed animals and stuff. Hopefully i can catch up on some blogs tonight and tomorrow.<br />
~Keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-45768232153802348522012-02-19T12:07:00.003-06:002012-02-19T12:07:40.665-06:00Too much shit going on to talk about. Internet keeps shitting out anyway. I'm gonna be busy/gone for a week or so. Just so you know. Then I should be back and things should be better.<br />
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~Keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-20666172815701099892012-02-17T19:47:00.000-06:002012-02-17T19:48:29.064-06:00aa sleeping... on his face...<div class="mobile-photo">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX5z6mFKOr1cGfNJpfaCBOGldkNRS1UnNCB7dG7OUCFsNkT2e4wPotsEl0yhpmTMOKeOV2aO6uE_vmziTlSAd2VIAP9zP4INXUciCmo6-Lzk0OmKM0o_ORQi9ypLlUAdqhePnKD_rBtK8/s1600/IMAG0051-708742.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5710232073614969602" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX5z6mFKOr1cGfNJpfaCBOGldkNRS1UnNCB7dG7OUCFsNkT2e4wPotsEl0yhpmTMOKeOV2aO6uE_vmziTlSAd2VIAP9zP4INXUciCmo6-Lzk0OmKM0o_ORQi9ypLlUAdqhePnKD_rBtK8/s320/IMAG0051-708742.jpg" /></a></div>keshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-87267132170968151342012-02-15T07:17:00.000-06:002012-02-15T07:17:38.550-06:00So yesterday was horrible. Lets not talk about it... Not today anyway. Im doing an email post thing from my phone anyway. Im layingin the camper by aa. Hes sleeping. Ive been awake and mostly hyper since 3 am and its now about 640 am. Aa and i are going to go to the y and workout. I said i wanted to burn at least 500 cal before we left and aa said ok. He also said i can weigh 105 lbs and that he would help me get there. I may have or may not have said this but aa got a job. He has orientation tomorrow and trains next week all week and works 3 days a week after that. 12 hr shifts $13.05/hr. Its second shift. So hopefully with aas help my weight will get back on track. The y has a lot of classes i want to try. Calorie counting hasnt been working out too well but im thinking if i exercise enough i wont have to. Im bored out of my mind and blogger doesnt let me scroll so im limited on reading blogs. Aa talks in his sleep some. It can be funny. Apparently everything in my sister's cart was going to come to 17-something. And apparently she was buying new palmers? Aa said they were trees? My sister isnt the plant type really. I found it amusing at the time. Im so bored.... Theres also really shitty service out here. Im hungry too. Ive been hungry. In my opinion i did really good with serving sizes yesterday. Im trying to wait til 730 am to eat. Im not sure how much to eat. Ive got apples, kiwi, and yogurt. Maybe ill eat one of each and try to burn those off + 500? I dont know yet. We will see after aa wakes up. Or i wake him up which is more likely. I supposed ill end my ramblings. Ive been wanting to weigh in but i ate before i thought about it yesterday and aa doesnt think theres a scale here. Good thing because im not supposed to weigh in til monday. Anyway. Im going home later hopefully ill catch up on some blog reading.<br />
~Keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-67330873495126665952012-02-13T11:19:00.001-06:002012-02-13T11:19:12.082-06:00Starting today, I'm calorie counting as much as possible, taking diet pills, and exercising at least a little everyday. Tomorrow I'm going to have AA show me exercises. AA is ok with me losing weight as long as I eat twice a day and I'm somewhat healthy about it. He doesn't know how many calories I need a day or how many a person should even eat, so his version of healthy might equal 750 calories. I haven't quite figured it out yet. I do know that he can't read the nutrition label to figure out calories in a container or anything. But he likes sports and working out so he will be a good workout buddy. And he will make sure I stick to it. He is ok with me taking diet pills but I can't take as many as the bottle says. Like my MetaboLife is 2 pills 3 times a day. I can take 2 pills 2 times a day. And Dexatrim is 2 pills 2 times a day. He says I can take 1 pill 2 times a day. I'm not sure if I should post what I eat on here or calorie counts or anything. Comment and let me know what you think? I'm thinking I'm going to weigh in once a week on Mondays and measure every 2 weeks or 4 weeks. Not sure which yet.... It'll probably be every 2 because it'll be easier to keep track of. Anyway, my weight and measurements from today:<div>
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Weight - 125 lbs</div>
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Measurements:</div>
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Upper arms - 11 inches</div>
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Forearms - 9 inches</div>
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Bust - 34.5 inches</div>
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Ribs (below bust) - 29 inches</div>
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Waist - 29.5 inches (I hope I'm just bloated - my waist should be smaller than my ribs...)</div>
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Hips - 34.5 inches</div>
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Butt - 36 inches</div>
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Thighs - 21 inches</div>
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Calves - 14 inches</div>
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Hopefully I'll have some good changes soon. And AA and I will probably get a membership to the Y soon with a little help from my sister. It's $39/mo for household (discounted for 15 months) with a $25 activation fee. But with it being mid month we would have to pay for the rest of this month (discounted rate) and next month and it comes to like $75 total. I don't want to pay that so my sister might pay $20 or $25 and she would get to go. I told her after that I would pay every month and she could go for free. Ok my sister said she would do that. Super happy. :) So I guess that's about it... Thinspo!</div>
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~Kes</div>keshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-85943017230568310192012-02-10T19:40:00.001-06:002012-02-10T19:40:36.791-06:00Kitty - I'm taking an antidepressant and lithium. Lithium is supposed to help with bipolar but it kind of depends on how bad the bipolar is.<br />
<br />
So Wednesday night I kind of blacked out as AA calls it. I don't remember much after I left my parents house. I remember about 1/2 the drive to Iowa and nothing else. AA said we went and got gas and went to his mom's house. He said I got irritated in the car and that I started to hit myself and that he had to hold me down at his mom's house. I don't remember but he wouldn't lie to me. He said he held me down for an hour before I calmed down enough to go to sleep. All I know is my hand is bruised. He said it was from me hitting myself. It's not the first time I've not remembered doing something. E's dad said I hit him one time. I don't remember hitting him. It was back when I was pregnant with E and we weren't having any problems. He didn't have any reason to lie to me. <br />
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I showed AA pictures of thinspo and told him that I wanted to be that thin. He said he was ok with most of them (there was like 1 or 2 out of like 15 that he wasn't ok with) and he said he would try to help me lose weight. He said he isn't ok with me starving myself and that I have to eat twice a day. Well, I'm supposed to take pills twice a day and they require food or milk (they make me puke if I don't) so I have to anyway. So when I want the donut in the morning, AA is going to tell me I don't need it. And AA is supposed to help me exercise and stuff. <br />
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I'm going to be home (without AA) after work tomorrow and I'll be home like all of Sunday and like all (or most) of Monday so I'll be catching up on most blogs. E's supposed to be over too. I haven't seen her since Christmas Eve. Anyway, I'm gonna go shower and probably go to bed.<br />
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~Keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-89893407124067987502012-02-07T21:51:00.003-06:002012-02-07T21:51:51.437-06:00AA is not taking his uncle's murder well. He's sad. And angry. He broke down and cried again tonight. I'm trying to hold him together but I can't. I'm having enough trouble with my own emotions right now. I was cleaning my room some and I found a folder from my first psych ward stay. It had my discharge papers and they had my diagnosis. I never read them before and the doctors at the psych ward never told me my diagnosis. It had two. One was other bipolar. I've wondered in the past if I was bipolar or not. I almost don't want to be. But it makes sense. Especially with how I've been. Reckless. Easily irritated. Happy. Angry. Wanting to get high. Wanting to cut. Things like that. It's not working out well. I don't know what else to say.<br />
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~Keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-13041089469138579532012-02-05T10:53:00.001-06:002012-02-05T10:53:13.562-06:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I'm going to spend as much time exercising tomorrow as I can. Then I work 8:30-3 on Tuesday. Then maybe work out some? I'm sick of feeling fat and disgusting. I need to get shit together. I'm about to leave and get my hair cut (horrible split ends - and my hair needs re-dyed and I want it cut before I do that). Then I'll clean my room some and then read blogs for at least an hour later. And I will comment on every blog I read. I promise. I'll read the people who comment on mine first. Anyway. I gotta get ready to go so I can get shit done.</div>
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~Kes</div>keshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8317747523059346787.post-69315145083697711472012-02-04T19:56:00.001-06:002012-02-04T19:56:29.898-06:00Work has been bad. Everything has been bad actually. AA's uncle was murdered. I've just kind of been at a loss as to what to do or say lately.<br />
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~Keskeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01231891738294951571noreply@blogger.com1