Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I feel fat.  Like really fat.  I'm back to 116.  I'm, uh, blocked up too.  I think I'm going to exercise like I normally would today and I'll stop if the spot where the tooth was starts bleeding or hurting or whatever.  I have 23.02% body fat.  I need to get that down.  Almost 1/4 of me is fat.   I have over 26 lbs of fat on me.  J and D said that I shouldn't lose but like 15 more lbs.  That still leaves me with over 10 lbs of fat.  I have so much more weight to lose than I realized.  I feel so fat.  I'm going to go as long as I can without eating today and I'm going to eat as little as possible and I will make sure that I lose that fat.  I will exercise until I feel like I'm going to die.  I need to be skinny.  Tiny.  Thin.  Perfect.  I will take my diet pills 2x a day and I will workout as much as possible.  I will get this fat off of me.

I need a job.  It would make things so much easier.  I'm running out of places to apply at.  I apply at places and then I hear nothing or I get the "you are not right for this job" shit after I failed the assessment.  I don't know where else to try.  I don't know what else to do.  I need someone to help me with the assessments but my mother is a bitch and won't quit breathing down my neck if I ask her to help.  And she assumes I'm asking her if I ask my father.  Yeah... It's shit.  D was supposed to help me like a million times but he always ditched me.  And yeah...

D is coming back today.  It's just this giant mess.  I really don't want to talk about it too much.  It's complicated and stressful and I swear he's somehow fucked up in the head just as bad as me.

I texted J a little but I mean it really didn't amount to anything.  Stupid conversation.

I don't feel like talking anymore.  Fucking D.  I need to exercise.  Then I'll feel better.

I like how the pictures decide to go there vvv on their own.  It makes me happy because I don't have to move them.



  1. Don't worry about the weigh or body fat, you can change it and make it what ever you want it to be :) I think you're so brave to work out your body fat, because I I'm too scared to!
    I hope you find a job soon!
    Lottie x

  2. This is your life, Kes.
    You only get one, and it is yours alone.
    You should live it the way that YOU want to.
    Do not be influenced by others' opinions.
    You do what you feel is best and will benefit you most in the long run.
    You can make your life whatever you want it to be.
    You gotta work for it.
    I know you will.
    Hang in there. <3

  3. I agree with Lottie,
    You can change your body any way you want. And you can do it! you can be as skinny as you want.
    Don't worry about it, these pounds will shed off in no time!
    stay persistent <3

  4. looking for a job is so frustrating! I know how that goes-applying so many places and getting turned down is super discouraging:( I really hope something works out on that front-the extra strain from looking for a job is definitely something you don't need right now!

  5. I know you can get rid of the weight and the body fat. Don't worry about it. GL finding a job hun- hope you will find something you enjoy doing.