Time for a rant.  You have been warned.  Don't wanna read it then don't.  Simple as that.  And the following is also the reason I haven't read or commented on blogs today.  So to begin, let's start off with the fact that today is AA's birthday and I had to work today and I have to work for the next 3 days.  And Halloween is my favorite holiday, and I'm still depressed over the fact that no one gave a shit about my birthday and no one wanted to drink with me.  Or even hang out while I drank (I would have been fine hanging out with someone who was sober while I drank).  So, I text AA and tell him happy birthday and he doesn't even say thank you.  Obviously I should have said nothing.  So at work, one of the clients puked on himself so I had to clean that up.  And I made soup for lunch and got bitched at because "lunch is at 12" and it was like 11:45 and my soup wasn't done.  Uh, bitch, I still have 15 fucking minutes.  Does it really take that long to heat soup through?  No.  It takes like 10.  And the chicken that I wasn't making (someone else was) wasn't done.  Yell at that girl for not having her chicken done then.  And at lunch, a toilet broke and flooded two of the clients' rooms and the bathroom that they share.  And so everyone ended up leaving me to watch the 6 remaining clients (two were on home visits).  Uh, 6 clients, 1 DSP.  2 clients I haven't even been trained on either.  And then meal prep had been my duty thing.  All of the clients were sent to their rooms so I could help clean up the water.  After like 5 minutes they send me to clean up the kitchen.  NOT MY FUCKING JOB.  Why ME?  It was a fucking mess and they all knew it.  The girl who was supposed to clean up the kitchen had done nothing earlier.  So I had a giant mess.  Had to run the dishwasher (it's a big commercial one) 3 times.  And the girl who was supposed to clean the kitchen/do the dishes is sitting in the living room most of the time talking about her plans for tonight.  Bitch.  And so I end up leaving like 20 minutes late because I still had charting and shit to do and I didn't get to start on that til I had like 10 minutes left on my shift and well, those books are shitty so I spend half the time trying to put the pages back in because they fall out of one or more of the rings (the books are 3-ring binder things).  So that sucked.  And then I go to Hy-Vee to get some apples.  And this bitch who I used to work with seemed to think it was necessary to call me.  Bitch, send a fucking text.  You didn't respond to mine last time.  Never should have answered my phone.  She kept like cutting out and it pissed me off and she was all like what are you doing tonight?  Uh, sleeping.  I asked you to fucking party the other night.  You never texted me back.  I have to fucking work tomorrow.  Gotta wake up at 4:30 am.  Not a good idea after drinking.  Now leave me the hell alone.  I'm trying to check out at Hy-Vee.  And now you just made my depression worse.  Thanks bitch.  Because everyone is doing Halloween partying and shit and I don't get to at all this year.  And the bitch called me later and I didn't answer because I was already in a shitty mood.  Bitch, text me so I know what you want and I can respond if I want to.  And then she sent me a Facebook message.  U IN BED.  Uh, let's not get all pissy and use all caps.  I know you're black and you always use caps but it pisses me off.  Uh, have you gotten the hint yet?  Leave me alone.  I'll contact you when I'm in a not shitty mood/in the mood to be used by you.  I'll allow you to use me when I am going to use you.  Place to sleep and drink and someone who can legally buy the alcohol.  Sure I'll give you a ride/let you use my phone/ect.  But I have no use right now.  And then there's the dealing with my mother and her getting her stories wrong.  I hate that bitch.  She's always running her mouth.  And M wanted pics.  He got 1 after I cut a couple times.  That was after the first call from the bitch who called me and before the second.  While attempting to take another pic or two for M, bitch called and interrupted so I never got a good one and so he got 1 pic when he wanted 3. I told him I would have to cut my wrist if he wants more because that's what it will take for me to feel better before bed.  So down my bc and my whateverthefuckitscalled prescription and off to bed I go.  Maybe another cut...  I keep thinking about it.  I thought a long ranting blog post might help but I'm still just as depressed.  I wish I had Tuesday off from work.  Then I could drink on Halloween.  But I can't do shit for Halloween this year.  It's looking like this is going to be a long shitty year.  I doubt I live to make it to 21.  And better yet, the prescription I was given had sudden mood changes as a side effect.  So any slight mood change my mother seems to think I have means she is going to freak out thinking it's the medicine and probably try to make me either quit taking it or go back to the doctor.  Neither of which are going to happen.  Fuck I want to get high.  Not drunk because drunk usually results in depressed crying over something that I can never remember.  I do remember crying, but never why.  And high just means relaxed happy good feeling and no crying and depression.  So I want high.  M wants to hook up Tuesday.  I don't like pot and he won't get me anything else but I might smoke a little (very little since I'm sick and will probably still be slightly sick then and I'm allergic to smoke).  If I'm high around someone like M, I won't eat so the munchies won't be as much of a problem as they would if I was by myself or around people who I am willing to eat in front of.  I suppose I'll shut up, pop my pills and go to bed.

~Kes