Thursday, October 27, 2011

I finally added M to the side.  And I had to do this like abuse training class thing today.  And my brother-in-law was there.  He doesn't know he's my brother-in-law.  We ended up talking during the lunch break and we ended up going to lunch.  It was kind of awkward for me but he was cool.  I think I'd rather have ended up with him instead of D because at least his brother is willing to work and go to school and actually do something instead of sit around and bitch and whine and not work/quit jobs after like 3 days.  So now I have his phone number and he has mine.  Apparently he hasn't seen or heard from D for longer than I have.  I think that sentence makes sense...  Anyway, D doesn't live with his brother anymore.  I kinda want to hang out with him again but I'm not sure that I should...  I've been needing a hook up.  It's getting bad...  I don't know what to say.  My mind, my life, my body, everything is like completely fucked up.  I'm suicidal one minute, then like 10 minutes later I'm not.  J is going to be back for like 2 1/2 weeks at the end of November instead of the like 10 days it had been originally.  I need to look good by then.  I was going to try to not eat until like supper but lunch kinda ruined that.  So tomorrow I'm going to not eat until like supper.  I'm going to exercise for at least an hour and then probably go to Iowa and then come home in time for supper and go to bed early (hopefully).  No clue on my weight.  Can't weigh in until like maybe Wednesday.  People are replacing the doors on the house and will be doing that so I would feel awkward if I weighed myself.  And then I'm going to be working and people will be home so I can't.  I don't know what to say.  It's taken me like forever to get this far and my moods keep shifting a lot.  I hate it.  I want to die.  I was really wanting to go out and drink tonight but almost everyone ruined that for me.  I had nowhere to drink and no one to drink with but I had someone willing and able to buy me alcohol.  I think I might have AA get me some vikes.  I'd rather have addys or something but whatever.  I'm going to shut up before this ends up more random and I end up in a mood again...



  1. This is not good, I hope you don't feel like suicide again, you have my email if you ever want to talk you can always email me, maybe i can help u get through anything you might be struggling with, I hope you don't do drugs, that's the worse you will harm your body more, Stay strong sweetie, I know times are hard but you can get through them, but I can assure you drugs is not the answer. I hope you and your friend have a good time when he goes and visits :) maybe that will help improve your mood. I will be shipping the poster tomorrow I went today and got it printed! its really sweet its poster quality and everything. I hope you feel better, stay strong and healthy!

    much love
    Brazilian Spice

  2. Lovely Kes,

    I just wanted to let you know that I have caughten all up on your blog. Well, that's not all I wanted to say. I'm so sorry you've been having such a hard time lately. I reall hate that you would feel suicidal. Please don't do anything like that. I'm not aure what to say exactly though. I know if there is advice to give you probably already know it and have tried to help yourself more than I ever could. I guess all I can say is that I care. And I worry and feel for you. Stay strong, keep your head up, look on the brightside. With love, William <3