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Sunday, May 1, 2011

I cut my hips.  Easy to hid.  And then I put rubbing alcohol on them.  It burned.  It felt better than the cutting did.  And then I put more rubbing alcohol on and kept putting rubbing alcohol on until the bleeding stopped.  Been fighting with D.  He wouldn't stop to see me on his way to Indiana.  He wanted me to drive 15 and meet him.  He had to go pat my town to get to the town he wanted me to meet him in.  My own was literally just a minute out of the way.  Apparently his fucking wife is not worth 60 fucking seconds of his time.  I want a fucking divorce.  He's been making me so fucking miserable pretty much since I married him.  He doesn't want anyone to know we are married either.  That's why I never said I was married before.  I really wish I hadn't married him.  I would have just broken up with him along time ago but I can't.  I have to get a divorce and I don't have the money.  Otherwise I would have.  I'm trapped.  I feel miserable.  He lies to me all the fucking time.  He doesn't act like he cares about me.  He just makes me feel miserable.  He used to make me happy but now he just makes me sooo depressed.  Like I don't remember ever feeling so depressed before.  I really wish I had someone I could talk to like F2F but I don't.  I haven't spent time with anyone but D since like October.  I had a friend but she ditched me when she got a boyfriend.  Apparently I couldn't hang out with her with or without her boyfriend.  I tried to hang out with some other people a couple of times but it never worked out.  Now I'm going to have lunch with A Thursday but that's still a ways off and I doubt we will do anything again after.  I'm just not meant to have friends and be happy.  I seriously feel like I'm better off dead and that everyone would be better off without me.  I can't do anything right ever.  So what's the point.  I'll probably wake up weighing 120+ pounds tomorrow.  Another thing to prove I'm worthless.  I can't even lose weight right.  I lose then I gain it back.  I can't ever lose weight and keep it off.  What's worse is I only manage to lose like a pound a month now.  I mean I might lose 3 pounds in a month but I gain back 2 of them in the same month.  Ever since I got down to 125 it's been like that.  I can't manage to lose 2 pounds a week and keep it off.  Or even one pound a week.  I'm just a failure.  I can't bake cookie that look like they should.  My handwriting is horrible.  I'm not good enough to raise my own kid.  I'm just a fucked up failure.

2 comments:

  1. Your not a failure! The weightloss gets harder te lower you go, don't worry, it happens to us all.
    D sounds like a bit of a dick to be honest :/
    As for friends, maybe try doing some volunteer work somewhere? That might look good on a job application and it would keep you busy and give you a chance to meet new people and make friends while helping others? Plus it doesn't cost anything :) Just an idea :P
    You don't deserve to feel this bad and I really hope things pick up for you soon.
    Stay strong,
    Lottie x

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  2. you aren't a failure. Fuck D, from your posts I can tell he doesn't deserve you. Sometimes life hurts, but it'll pass. I promise you this will pass.

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