D pissed me off last night.  I want a divorce.  I don't want to talk to him at all.  Normally we get in a fight and about 1 hr later I want to talk to him.  This time I don't.  I'm kinda almost too depressed to eat.  I hope it stays that way because if I switch to being depressed and willing to eat, I will devour anything and everything I find.  Hot fudge and ice cream, cake, chocolate chips, chips, ect, ect.  I will end up gaining like 5 more pounds in 36 hours again.  I'm going to Iowa later.  I want to go to the park and take some pictures maybe.  I was also going to get some food.  Low-cal whatever for lunch.  I plan on walking quite a bit today.  I'll probably leave around lunch time so I can "eat lunch" in Iowa.  And I will just so happen to not eat lunch.  I'm questioning whether or not I should take a diet pill this morning.  I'll probably wait until Monday.  I think I will wait.  Then I can hopefully weigh myself Monday and then see how much weight I lose in a week.  I'm hoping that tomorrow I am back to 117.  I weighed in at 119 this morning.  It kind of gives me hope.  It was something other than 120.  I'm hoping to burn off 500+ calories today.   I've been texting J.  I can't tell if is just flirty with every girl or what.  He cares about me for whatever reason.  And he is quite flirty.  He thinks I should just lose weight by exercise.  Right...  More like I'll lose weight with diet/restricting, exercise, diet pills, purging in certain cases, and possibly a few other ways that I can't think of.  I doubt I will get to the point where I swallow cotton balls.  I don't plan on going that crazy.  I also have a feeling that cotton balls would have quite a few calories.... Anyway J seems to think that I have a lot more sense than I actually do.  Either that or he doesn't want to accept the fact that I have problems.  Probably a little of both.  I should stop before I go off on a complete tangent about J.  I'm already half way there.  But sometimes I wonder if I should trust J or if I maybe told him too much.  I have no reason not to trust him.  He's kept his mouth shut about a lot of things.  I should stop.  I've got a lot of things running through my head and I'm questioning  whether I should let J know more that he already does or not.  But I think he knows too much anyway.  There's a cookout at my uncle's house Sunday if it doesn't rain.  Not excited at all.  May or may not go.  I hope it rains.  I'm too fat to have to eat a fatty hamburger.  And I'm sure there will be cupcakes or brownies or cookies or pie.  Probably a lot of desserts.  My family likes desserts.  I think I should get dressed and take the Chunky dog for a walk.  3 miles in 45 minutes = 200 cal burned.  And I've had 0 cal so far.  But it's not quite 9 am.  I've only been up for about an hour.  1/2 serving of cereal when I get back I think.  85 cal.  Sounds good to me.

~Kes