D pissed me off last night. I want a divorce. I don't want to talk to him at all. Normally we get in a fight and about 1 hr later I want to talk to him. This time I don't. I'm kinda almost too depressed to eat. I hope it stays that way because if I switch to being depressed and willing to eat, I will devour anything and everything I find. Hot fudge and ice cream, cake, chocolate chips, chips, ect, ect. I will end up gaining like 5 more pounds in 36 hours again. I'm going to Iowa later. I want to go to the park and take some pictures maybe. I was also going to get some food. Low-cal whatever for lunch. I plan on walking quite a bit today. I'll probably leave around lunch time so I can "eat lunch" in Iowa. And I will just so happen to not eat lunch. I'm questioning whether or not I should take a diet pill this morning. I'll probably wait until Monday. I think I will wait. Then I can hopefully weigh myself Monday and then see how much weight I lose in a week. I'm hoping that tomorrow I am back to 117. I weighed in at 119 this morning. It kind of gives me hope. It was something other than 120. I'm hoping to burn off 500+ calories today. I've been texting J. I can't tell if is just flirty with every girl or what. He cares about me for whatever reason. And he is quite flirty. He thinks I should just lose weight by exercise. Right... More like I'll lose weight with diet/restricting, exercise, diet pills, purging in certain cases, and possibly a few other ways that I can't think of. I doubt I will get to the point where I swallow cotton balls. I don't plan on going that crazy. I also have a feeling that cotton balls would have quite a few calories.... Anyway J seems to think that I have a lot more sense than I actually do. Either that or he doesn't want to accept the fact that I have problems. Probably a little of both. I should stop before I go off on a complete tangent about J. I'm already half way there. But sometimes I wonder if I should trust J or if I maybe told him too much. I have no reason not to trust him. He's kept his mouth shut about a lot of things. I should stop. I've got a lot of things running through my head and I'm questioning whether I should let J know more that he already does or not. But I think he knows too much anyway. There's a cookout at my uncle's house Sunday if it doesn't rain. Not excited at all. May or may not go. I hope it rains. I'm too fat to have to eat a fatty hamburger. And I'm sure there will be cupcakes or brownies or cookies or pie. Probably a lot of desserts. My family likes desserts. I think I should get dressed and take the Chunky dog for a walk. 3 miles in 45 minutes = 200 cal burned. And I've had 0 cal so far. But it's not quite 9 am. I've only been up for about an hour. 1/2 serving of cereal when I get back I think. 85 cal. Sounds good to me.