Yesterday was bad.  I cannot purposely eat 1200 calories and not purge.  I felt horrible.  I was feeling bad when I thought I was going to have 1000.  Then my mom decided we were going to have chicken nuggets for supper instead of grilled steak.  Gross chicken nuggets that taste like shit and I had to eat some.  And she put butter (completely unnecessary) on green beans.  And gave me a large glass of milk.  So supper was 200 more calories than I had planned.  I was trying to eat 1000-ish.  To be healthy.  I thought I would give it a try.  Big mistake.  I felt guilty and depressed.  I told J that I can't do it and that I hate the way it makes me feel.  He said aww I'm sorry.  I tried it for him mainly.  And the worst thing is that I gained.  I'm 119, almost 120 now.  J and I texted for a while last night.  I like him a lot more than I want to.  I don't know if he likes me or not.  Part of me thinks he does and part of me thinks he doesn't like me as more than just a friend.  Most of his friends in high school were girls.  Which never bothered me.  Somehow they all just fit together as friends.  I had always wished I had friends like that.  Instead I got shitty ones that don't talk to me after I graduate or get a boyfriend and become too busy to hang out with me.  Anyway.  I want J to like the way I look when he comes back.  And for whatever stupid reason in my tired state of late-night texting, I told him that if he thinks I'm too skinny when he comes back to make me eat and not let me purge or exercise it off.  StupidStupidStupid.  And he responds with haha kk I can make ya burn calories other ways too.  I'm not sure if he's like a man whore now or not.  Or if he maybe likes me.  Or if he just meant it as a joke.  I doubt he's a man whore but he lives like 1300 miles away so it's possible that he is a man whore now.  But of course I'm married.  I'm supposed to think about my husband and my husband only.   I would be ok with liking J if I didn't think about him so much and liked him a little less.  I really miss him.  I miss dating him and going and doing things like canoeing on the lake and listening to all of the random music I had never heard of before and watching movies and tv shows that I had never heard of/seen.  He told me to listen to a song last night.  He said it might make me feel better.  Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO.  It made me feel better.  I'm going to try around 1000 calories (but 750 would be better) today and a lot of exercise.  I'm hoping to burn 500 calories.  I told J I would try 1000 cals today.  But I may just go with 750 and 500 burned in exercise.  I need to get some of this weight off and fast.  Time to exercise.

~Kes