Saturday, May 21, 2011

I've eaten way too much food today.  Lunch was a major binge.  Once I got to eat anyway.  I had to feed my daughter.  A one year old and a restaurant-like place (buffet) is not the  best combination.  She doesn't want to sit still and eat.  She wants to play with everything she can get her hands on.  Yeah...  So everyones eating (except for me) and I'm just getting annoyed.  I don't like having her over too much because I'm stuck taking care of her on my own 99.95% of the time.  And I'm not the one who wanted to have her come over.  So that sucked.  So I could have probably gotten by eating a normal amount except there wasn't very much food to choose from.  I hate the buffet place we went to because it has such a shitty selection.  There's a very small selection of fruits and veggies.  Everything else is drowned in some sort of high calorie sauce or fried or covered in cheese or just plain high in calories.  So I ate whatever looked decent.  And to prevent questions I eat what I normally would have if I didn't care about my weight.  And I felt like my stomach was going to explode by the time I finished.  I would have purged if I could have.  I didn't because 1) I didn't have anything with my to help (although I might not have needed anything) 2) I didn't have anything to keep my hair out of the way 3) I would have been in the bathroom too long and saying I had to shit would have been awkward and possibly caused my parents to ask questions because my sister always had to go to the bathroom after eating when she had her ulcers and 4) my face would have ended up red and my eyes blood shot and that would have caused questions too.  So yeah.  And I still feel full.  I feel like if I went to purge now I would have food from lunch come up even though that was like 8 hours ago.  My stomach and intestines have been wondering what happened for the past 8 hours.  They don't know how to handle that much food.  My plan for tomorrow though is yogurt for breakfast and lunch and then cake (no ice cream) and then supper will probably be fend for yourself/leftovers so I will try to get by with cereal and maybe broccoli and hopefully I won't eat anything else.  Hopefully tomorrow will be less than 750.  I'll take the PM diet pill tomorrow night and probably take the AM one Monday morning.  I may wait until Tuesday morning though.  If I really screw up tomorrow and eat a shit ton I won't take the AM one Monday because I want my stomach and intestines and everything on track and ready to lose weight.  I'm hoping everything works out well.  I weighed 115 this morning.  Right now thought I probably weigh about 120.  I feel like I have 5 lbs of food sitting in me waiting to be digested.  And stored as fat.  Although it may all have been turned into fat already.  I'm bloated as hell though.  Speaking of hell, the world didn't end.  Big surprise.  Either that or I've lived in hell for about 2 hours.  And so has everyone else.  Don't know of anyone who has magically disappeared and gone to heaven.  So yeah.  I'm hoping that on Monday I don't weigh more than 117.  If I take the diet pills Monday I will take them once I'm ready to go out the door for a walk and maybe take a small baggy of cereal with me or something in case I start feeling sick.  I've been pissed/depressed most of the day.  But that's just what always happens when my mom wants my daughter to come over.  Like my parents want to see her, but they don't want to do anything to help out ever.  I get that she's my daughter and the whole "my responsibility" thing, but I'm not the one who asked for her to come over.  Therefore I should not have to do 99.95% of the work.  Besides that, I'm still expected to wash dishes, do laundry, make supper, entertain the animals (feed them, take them outside, play with them) just as much as I am if my daughter isn't here.  So it's waaayyyy too much stress for me.  And D seems to think that I should be able to text/talk on the phone at the same time.  And if I say I'm busy, he won't say anything like call/text me when you're less busy.  It's what are you doing and why and a million other questions.  Seriously?!  As if things aren't hard enough.  I haven't heard from J since the 16th.  Sort of bothers me sort of doesn't.  I know it was the 16th because no one texts me that often.  I have the last text from him in my inbox yet.  No I'm not a psychotic person who remembers it because I'm some psycho stalking freak.  I want J to talk to me so I can sort of get my ED somewhat under control.  He's the only one who has ever seemed to care and I trust him more anyone that I personally know.  I would trust a complete stranger more as long as I knew that I would never see them again.  Well, it would kinda depend.  If I told a stranger that I had an ED and they reacted well (or what I consider well) I would possibly want to keep in contact with them.  Or I may not.  It all depends.  Randomness - my mother saw a baby robin earlier and made me take pictures of it.  It was weird looking.  Kinda ugly, yet kinda cute.  I need to take a melatonin so I can sleep tonight.  I didn't last night and spent most of the night away.  Now I have energy though.  And now isn't a good time for energy.  I am however in a mood to ramble.  Which I have successfully done.  Although I am running out of things to ramble about that anyone might find remotely entertaining.  So I think it is time for melatonin.  Thinking about taking two...  And hopefully sleep soon.  Maybe...


~~~Monday - must exercise and kick ass doing so - CANNOT be 116 again on Friday - MUST be less that 115.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you're stomach hurts because o f all the food you ate. My stomach feels like that now, but only because I ate a lot at dinner.