I think that bonfire thing I was going to go to was last night. I kinda feel bad about not going/being there, but the weekend was too stressful and tiring. I've been depressed all day. And the worst phrase to ever say to someone is "It's not that bad". A good phrase to say would be "Life could always suck more". I just want to shoot people when they tell me "It's not that bad" like how the fuck do you know? But if they say "Life could always suck more" or something to that effect, my response is how. And then the person is required to start listing reasons on how it could be worse. Any way I've been depressed and I've wanted to cry about 100 times today and I did a few times. I feel very unloved and worthless and everything. Nothing has gone the way I wanted it to. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get the housekeeping job I wanted. Or any job ever for that matter. All because of my fucking last name and those damn questionnaires on job apps. I can't ever answer the questions right so no one hires me or even gives me an interview. I just need to fucking die. I'm fat and worthless. No one gives a fuck about me. But I'm too fat to want to die yet. I want to die, but I don't want everyone thinking how fat I was when I died and how gross I look and everything like that. I want everyone to think about how thin I was and how it's a shame that I'm dead because I was so beautiful. I weighed 120 this morning. Fuck me. Fat, pathetic, and worthless. Who gains 5 lbs in 48 hours? Fatass me. That's who. I'm just a fucking fatass. I've eaten a lot more than I should have today. I should have fasted until supper. But no. I have to fucking eat breakfast and lunch and snacks. Fat, pathetic, worthless. I'm too fat to take my diet pills. I won't allow myself to waste them on fat that I shouldn't have allowed myself to gain. If I had on;y gained 2 lbs I would take them. But I gained 5. I won't allow myself to take them until I'm down to 117 or less. Probably less. I was 115. I would like to get back down to 115 before I start taking them again. I can't allow myself to gain. I wish I would get sick with something so that I don't want to eat or I puke or something so I lose weight. D is supposed to come back in less than 2 weeks. I wanted to be less than 110 by then. I have about 11 days to lose 10 lbs. I doubt my fatass can. Unless 5 lbs magically disappear. But my sister is coming over either tomorrow or Wednesday. And my dad's birthday is Wednesday. And everyone is going out to eat for my dad's birthday so I will have to eat high calorie food then. And more that I want to. And I'll only gain more weight. I need to start purging or something to get this shit under control. I'm such a failure. I hate being this fat. I have to wear my fat pants again. I was wanting to be able to get rid of them all in a week or so. Obviously I can't. I'm a fucking failure. I hate life.