Monday, May 23, 2011

I think that bonfire thing I was going to go to was last night.  I kinda feel bad about not going/being there, but the weekend was too stressful and tiring.  I've been depressed all day.  And the worst phrase to ever say to someone is "It's not that bad".  A good phrase to say would be "Life could always suck more".   I just want to shoot people when they tell me "It's not that bad"  like how the fuck do you know?  But if they say "Life could always suck more" or something to that effect, my response is how.  And then the person is required to start listing reasons on how it could be worse.  Any way I've been depressed and I've wanted to cry about 100 times today and I did a few times.  I feel very unloved and worthless and everything.  Nothing has gone the way I wanted it to.  I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get the housekeeping job I wanted.  Or any job ever for that matter.  All because of my fucking last name and those damn questionnaires on job apps.  I can't ever answer the questions right so no one hires me or even gives me an interview.  I just need to fucking die.  I'm fat and worthless.  No one gives a fuck about me.  But I'm too fat to want to die yet.  I want to die, but I don't want everyone thinking how fat I was when I died and how gross I look and everything like that.  I want everyone to think about how thin I was and how it's a shame that I'm dead because I was so beautiful.  I weighed 120 this morning.  Fuck me.  Fat, pathetic, and worthless.  Who gains 5 lbs in 48 hours?  Fatass me.  That's who.  I'm just a fucking fatass.  I've eaten a lot more than I should have today.  I should have fasted until supper.  But no.  I have to fucking eat breakfast and lunch and snacks.  Fat, pathetic, worthless.  I'm too fat to take my diet pills.  I won't allow myself to waste them on fat that I shouldn't have allowed myself to gain.  If I had on;y gained 2 lbs I would take them.  But I gained 5.  I won't allow myself to take them until I'm down to 117 or less.  Probably less.  I was 115.  I would like to get back down to 115 before I start taking them again.  I can't allow myself to gain.  I wish I would get sick with something so that I don't want to eat or I puke or something so I lose weight.  D is supposed to come back in less than 2 weeks.  I wanted to be less than 110 by then.  I have about 11 days to lose 10 lbs.  I doubt my fatass can.  Unless 5 lbs magically disappear.  But my sister is coming over either tomorrow or Wednesday.  And my dad's birthday is Wednesday.  And everyone is going out to eat for my dad's birthday so I will have to eat high calorie food then.  And more that I want to.  And I'll only gain more weight.  I need to start purging or something to get this shit under control.  I'm such a failure.  I hate being this fat.  I have to wear my fat pants again.  I was wanting to be able to get rid of them all in a week or so.  Obviously I can't.  I'm a fucking failure.  I hate life.



  1. Don't be so hard on yourself. Look at the bright side, at least you're not in the 150's which is where I am. I would LOVE to be your size. And when you start feeling unloved, just remember WE (us on blogger) LOVE YOU!

  2. I LOVE YOU!!!
    Things could be worse. You could have a loved one die. The world could end. ;) You could be 320 pounds instead of 120. See that's just a few things that could be worse. There are plenty more.
    Feel better and please don't purge. It's not worth it.

  3. ^^^what Thin or Not said, word for word.
    you are strong, you can do this. <3

  4. WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! <3 <3 <3
    As unbeautiful said, purging is not worth it. I've tried purging countless of times and I always fear being noticeable and I look very sick and pale after I leave the bathroom so that just makes them more suspicious (they already are suspicious of me) and all I could get rid of is a bit of food over the course of 30 minutes! Not even a mouthful's worth. Then again, my body's fucked. It wants to hang onto the fat it has. Stupid body.
    Darling, like Thin or Not said, it could've been so much worse. You could've been like me as well, who is 150 pounds. Remember, you lost the weight once and you can do it again. Just look at the prettier side of things. You're beautiful and you will continue to grow until you're prettier. We ate too much yesterday, the day before and today but tomorrow's a new light penetrating through and we can take that and embrace that and turn it into our own light.
    Today may not be our day. But we have all the potential for tomorrow.


  5. Ohh missy it's time to take that sour puss off! I can guarantee there are people in your life that love you for who you are on the inside, underneath the fat and the sadness and the hurt. It's just sooo hard to see through that layer of depression.

    I know you don't take your anxiety meds but maybe you should be on antidepressants or a mood stabilizer. Ask your doc about gabapentins, they're amazing and you can't OD on them, they're a mood stabilizer.

    It can and probably will suck more throughout your life, at a risk of sounding cliche life is like a rollercoaster. I've been to the very bottom but I always know that it's a false bottom, like in a magic trick, and there's something worse under that so to just keep my trap shut and dig my way back up as far from the bottom as I can in that stretch.

    I wish you peace and calm from this hell for a day so hopefully you can see the light, if even for a moment. You are not alone. You are not unloved. You are not actually fat. It's all an illusion.