Sunday, May 15, 2011

Yesterday was pretty bad food-wise.  Not even going to guess how many calories.  It's over 1200 and I don't really want to know.  I don't want to spend the time looking up the foods I ate and figure out how much I ate of each of them and such.  Yesterday my mom made a comment about my butt being smaller.  Thanks....  I never had much of a butt so you can shut up now.  She doesn't seen to understand that pockets on pants can make a person's butt look smaller.  I wore jeans without back pockets the day before and yesterday my jeans had pockets.  The only time I might have had much of a butt was when I weighed 155.  Before I got pregnant I had been told quite blatantly that I do not have a butt.  I was told it goes legs straight to my back.  That's enough of me rambling about my ass.  So because my mom had said I was really skinny I decided to get a second opinion. I texted my friend/exboyfriend in California.  I had weight problems in high school too.  I was more bulimic then. I would purge after supper and skip breakfast and lunch if possible.  But anyway, I asked him if he remember what I looked like in high school.  He said yeah and I asked if he thought I would be really skinny if I weighed 10 pounds less.  He said said yeah and asked if I had been losing weight.  I said I didn't like being over weight.  And he said he didn't remember me ever being over weight but he never saw me when I was.  I said something about I probably should lose as much weight as I was still wanting too.  I had been wanting to weigh 85-90 lbs and I was starting to rethink that and he said just not to go anorexic.  I made a crappy joke about going bulimic instead.  He told me to just be healthy.  My version of healthy is 750 cal a day and 250+ cal burned off in exercise.  To me that sound healthy.  Purging to me is ok and if someone wants to take laxatives I am ok with that too.  J on the other hand would think that was crazy.  He said that I am normal and that he needed to come knock some sense into me.  Yeah if he only knew... I think I responded with something along those lines.  I told him that I kinda wanted to be 85-90 lbs and he asked why I would want to be that light.  I told him I see me as being 10-20 lbs heavier than I am.  He told me I as perfectly fine if I would stop worrying and he said he loved my body the way it was when we dated and a few lbs off sounds nice but too much and it wouldn't be a good thing.  And I told him I would try to stop somewhere around 113-115 range.  I may or may not go with that.  He doesn't come back until mid-July so that's quite a while.  I was wanting to be 100 lbs by then.  And I'm pretty sure he would make me eat if he saw me at 100 lbs.  He's a skinny guy.  He has lean muscle not bulky like most guys.  I always felt fat when I was around him.  I think he weighed less than me when we dated if I remember right.  Maybe he weighed the same as me.  Either way I felt so fat.  But I wasn't in full Ana mode.  I was like in half-Mia mode.  I miss J quite a bit and I'm not too sure why.  I kinda wish he and I would have dated longer or gotten back together or something but not I'm unhappily married.  I don't think D would sign divorce papers.  Not without a huge fight.  I really need to talk to him but he calls while watching tv and he has the tv turned up so loud I can't hear him and he can't hear me.  We had like 3 conversations that were about 1 min long because of shit like that.  He's always saying he will call me back.  He'll call be back all the time and it's like 6 hours after he's supposed to that he does.  It pissed me off and I seriously feel like he's just been using me.  Like he used to be so sweet and funny and nice and perfect and then he started to become the opposite.  I'm getting off on too many tangents rambling.  Sorry.  I'll stop now.


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