Sunday, May 15, 2011

New follower.  :)  And now for my pissed ramblings (if I wasn't pissed I wouldn't be posting again, but I'm pissed and in need of venting).  Feel free to not read this.

I didn't really binge but I purged.  I made some mozzarella sticks.  I probably had 350 cals.  Actually I have no idea how many cals.  I just kind of randomly picked 350.  But my mom left like right after I finished eating so I decided to purge.  And I just weighed myself.  Between 119 and 120.  Are you fucking kidding me?!  WTF?!  I shouldn't have gained THAT much weight.  How did I gain 3-4 lbs in 2 days?  I didn't eat THAT many calories.  If I have to eat 3500 calories to gain 1 lb then I would have had to eat between 10,500 and 14,000 calories.  There's no way I've eaten THAT many calories between Thursday and now.  And there's no way that that is water weight.  I know I haven't really been exercising but still.  I shouldn't have gained that much weight.  It's probably a good thing I purged what I could because who knows how much I would weigh tomorrow if I didn't.  I feel like a complete failure.  Fuck what J says/wants.  I'm going to be as unhealthy as necessary to lose all of this weight by Friday.  I MUST be 115 by Friday.  I said that last week but I'm so sick of being a failure that I can't let it not happen again.  No food until my mom gets home Mon-Fri and when she gets home I will eat a small snack that is 100 cal or less.  Then whatever I have to for supper but as little of whatever as possible.  I will allow tea all day and milk only at supper.  And nothing else for drinks.  No diet anything.  No water because where I live it tastes gross and isn't exactly very safe to drink.  I will workout as much as I possibly can.  It's going to be too cold to do anything outside so I'll have to come up with things to do inside.  I will have to work my ass off this week.  I can't keep being a failure.  I can't.


No comments:

Post a Comment