I think I'll post a picture on Monday of what I look like.  And maybe thinspo or something?  Not sure about that yet.  And if my sister doesn't come over, I'll probably spend most of the day exercising and eating carrots and other veggies.  I think I'm going to do 2 posts a day.  3+ posts can be a lot.  Especially when I have nothing to say.  I might post some old pictures of me.  Ones from like 3 or 4 years ago.  Mostly for comparison. I weighed about 125 in most of the pics I have come across today.  So those might compare well with me now.  I don't really have much to say.  I made puppy chow for D to take to Indiana (if he likes it) and I've got grahmcrackers for him.  He said he's going to go to church and leave after church.  He said he would stop by my house on the way.  I hope I get a job soon.  I need one.  I have no idea what I will do without D around.  I don't have any really close friends anymore and in a way I'm afraid to make new friends because if I move to Indiana I won't see them very much and will have to find new friends all over again.  I would like to move to Indiana in like 6 months.  That should give D enough time to get settled in and a steady income and everything.  Then I can move in and look for a job and hopefully everything can go good from there.

~Kes

I worked until 1.  Since it was my last day my boss brought in donuts.  I ate one with white frosting.  It was probably 350-400 calories.  I hope less but I don't know.  I ate Greek yogurt for breakfast (140) and about 30 min ago I had carrots (35).  I also had two chocolate covered coffee beans (21) So right now I'm probably at 596.  Might as well just call it 600.  I'm a fat ass.  Work probably burned 300 calories.  I wasn't very hard or anything.  I filled out an application for Lowe's yesterday.  Hopefully they will call me.  It's a seasonal job working in the garden center.  I like flowers and I guess you could say I have a green thumb.  My mother however doesn't.  She kills plants.  I bring almost dead plants back to life.  I bought one orchid that was dying for $5 and I brought it back to life.  Then a few days later I bought another one that was closer to dead for $2.50 and it's slowly coming back to life.  I grew maple trees from seeds.  I was like 7 or 8 and I took the seed out of the like helicopter shell thing and wrapped it in wet toilet paper and put it in a plastic container and put it in the sun.  Well I forgot about it and then when there were discovered they were little saplings that were like 4" tall.  We planted them and my dad mowed over one accidentally.  The other one is going really well though.  So yeah I'm good with plants.  I have two bamboo plants and 5 orchids.  I would like more orchids but I don't have any room infront of any of my windows right now.  My room needs cleaned and rearranged and stuff.  Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.  Maybe Monday.  Probably Monday.  D is going to leave tomorrow for Indiana.  I want to make puppy chow for him since he's never had it before.  And I was going to buy him a box of gramcrackers  because he likes them a lot.  Like the box has 3 packaged in it and he ate almost an entire package.  So I was wanting to give him junk food to eat.  And I'm hoping that I can be 110 or less (preferably less) by the time he comes back from Indiana to see me.  It will be like 2 weeks.  Thats like 2.5 -ish pounds a week.  I can lose that by then.  If he can't come in 2 weeks but can come in 3 weeks I want to weigh 107 or less.  I'm thinking a happy weight for me would be around 100. But of course I have no way to tell what I will look like then.  I don't like doing GWs and UGWs because with me they would change a lot.  Some people go by like every 3 pounds for GW and some people go by 5 pounds and others go by 7-10 or whatever.  And if I did that I would feel like I should give my self a reward for meeting my goals.  And rewards would cost money.  I have to be a tight ass with my money so I'll reward myself when I'm happy with my weight.  And my reward might be watching videos of how to apply makeup (I completely suck at it - other people have to do it for me or I don't wear any) and then I will start wearing makeup and then I'll go out and do something in some of my best clothes and have fun.  Maybe I'll go dancing somewhere or ask the girls that I was never really friends with in high school to go shopping/lunch/watch a movie/go dancing/partying.  Something.  I was always jealous of how pretty they were and always were doing stuff and having a good time.  They were as close to perfect as you could get.  They were skinny. A was skinny. G was really skinny (the only thing I didn't like was she would dye her hair and it would look grey sometimes).  F was average/chubby? but she was really pretty.  They were all sooo nice.  Like they would talk to me and not be bitches and everything.  I just never really saw them outside of school.  I'm not sure if I should ask A (she goes to college close to where I live - the other two went away to college so they only come around every once in a while) to go to lunch or see a movie or go shopping or something or if I should just forget it.  I can't really go shopping because I don't have that much money right now.  Maybe I could ask her if she could show me how to put on makeup since her's is always so gorgeous.  I need friends like A, F, & G.  And I don't know what I'm going to do when D leaves tomorrow.  I'm going to have no friends to hang out with.  Nothing to do.  I can go for runs and walks if the weather ever gets decent.  I'm already going to be exercising like crazy on the days I'm home along now.  I want to do MMA.  Maybe I can build up the endurance and strength and speed to actually start practicing after I find a job.  Can't afford the gym with out a job.  I should quit rambling.

Welcome new followers if I haven't welcomed you already.  Everything gets jumbled in my mind and it doesn't always come out the way it should.

Thank you for your comments.  I feel like I'm neglecting my followers.  Like I never welcome them on time and I don't respond to comments most of the time.  I think I need to respond more.  If there is something you would like to do to this blog to make it more enjoyable to read just leave a comment.  If you think I should ask A to hang out/go to lunch or something leave a comment.  If you want more thinspo or pictures of foods I eat or what I look like currently let me know.  Fewer people have been reading and I would like to have more people read and follow and comment and such. If my blog was good more people would follow and comment and such and I'm just trying to improve  it.  I'm trying to get a way from the morning after work and night posts with the occasional one or two in between.  So comment and let me know how many times a day I should post or how often I should (1x/week, 2-3x/week, ect)  I want to make this something people want to read and right now I feel that they don't because my life is boring I post too much I post the wrong stuff,ect,ect,ect....  So yeah...Comment on any of my many ramblings.

~Kes

My last day at work.  D is leaving today.  I might see him and I might not.  Depends on when he decides to leave and how late I work.  I was doing ok until supper.  I had to cook and I couldn't get to the store until about 5 so it was like 5:45 when I got back.  So supper was late.  Pasta because I thought it would be fairly quick to make.  I was going to make fried chicken (probably worse calorie-wise than pasta).  I made fried green beans to go with the pasta.  I was probably going to make fried green beans if I made fried chicken too.  But I also made some mozzarella sticks.  Also fried.  Also not very healthy and high in calories.  So supper was like 1000 calories.  I had 550-ish earlier.  I purged up some but the cheese didn't want to come up too easy and I didn't chew my food thoroughly enough and I didn't drink anything while I ate.  I kinda set myself up for disaster there but oh well.  I just weighed myself.  The line was just barely above the 115 mark so I'm like 115.5.  I have kind of been wondering what it would look like if my ribs showed.  And now I'm not sure I want them to show too much.  The left and right sides are different shapes.  It looks weird.  I don't like it.  And it's not a slight misshapen sort of thing.  It's really  obvious.  I feel like a fat freak right now.  If I lose weight and my ribs show I will feel like a deformed freak.  So I won't be able to wear anything tight that would make my ribs stand out.  No one is going to want to see my stomach ever so bikinis are already out of the question.  But I really hate it.  I'm going to look like a freak no matter what.  I gotta go to work.  Maybe post later.  Maybe not.  I have no idea what's going on.

~Kes

D showed up at like 1.  He was supposed to come over at 12.  He just left.  He was supposed to stay til 7.  I'm pissed and depressed and I feel like shit.  I've been crying most of the day because of D.  And I'm crying now.  I just really want to kill myself.  I want to really fucking bad.

I had less than 750 calories yesterday.  Probably more like 670.  I can't weigh myself yet because my dad hasn't left for work yet.  D is coming over later.  Like around 11 or 12.  So 4-5 more hours.  I wish I could have slept longer.  Yesterday was stressful.  I cried quite a bit because of the stress and me hating myself.  I managed to lock the ONLY key to the car IN the car.  Great.  Had to call a locksmith.  $50.  Great.  I didn't need that money.  Right.  I had been wanting to b&p until I found out the keys were in the car.  And all D could tell me was just forget about it.  Seriously?  Forget about it.  I can walk home right?  It's only like 25 miles.  That'll take me only about 8 hours.  As long as I don't get hit by a car walking along the highway at night in dark clothes.  I've been having mood swings for like a week.  My mom always bitches about how I get bitchy the week before my period.  Good thing it's not supposed to start for like a week.  If it is on time that is.  It likes to not be on time to stress me out/piss me off.  I wish I was on birth control to fix that.  But no insurance.  I'm rambling and kind of going off on tangents.  I'll probably post my weight later if I can.  I don't want D to sit here and read everything.  He doesn't know about this.  He still doesn't understand the ED thing.  He's going to be moving soon too.  Very soon.  Like in the next few days.  He got a job.  In Indiana.  3-4 hour drive.  Not sure exactly how long of a drive it is but it's at least 3 hours.  He will be working M-F and sometimes Saturday.  He can make a lot of money and it can help us get out of here.  He doesn't like Iowa and I don't like Illinois.  So maybe we will both like Indiana.  He is going to move there and I'm going to work somewhere in IL.  Then he is going to come see me some weekends and I might go see him depending on what my parents say.  D wants to go to college and get his Master's degree.  And he was wanting to go to college in Iowa and I didn't really want to move to Cedar Rapids.  And now D is sick of Iowa so he's now thinking about college in either Illinois or Indiana.  So this could be good for us.  Except the time apart.  But we can talk on the phone probably.  I work tomorrow at the hotel and then I'm done.  So I'm going to have a break from working.  I wanted a break in a way but I wanted to have a job lined up already though.  My dad left for work.  I'm going to go weigh myself real quick.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  I weigh 116.  I just want to lose 16-26 more pounds.  It's kind of a big range but I don't know what I will look like 16 pounds lighter.  If I knew what I would look like at different weights I would be able to say I want to weigh 100 pounds or 90 pounds or whatever.  And those websites are never accurate.  They don't ever look like me.  Like at my weight they look pretty skinny but I've got a big tummy and bigger thighs.  And then the ones that take a picture of you just stretch the picture.  And I'm pretty sure if I lost 10 pounds my sides will not become pixalated.  And with those I will still have massive thighs that touch at 90 pounds.  I'm pretty sure I will start to have a thigh gap somewhere around 100 pounds.  At least a little one.  So I just try to look up pictures of celebrities that are around 5'3-5'5 and look at their bodies and look up what the weigh and decide from there.  So far 100 looks like it might be good.  But since I had a baby I might need to lose more to look good.  Only weight loss will tell.  I should probably clean and then maybe eat a little.  Enough of my rambling and going off on tangents and such.

~Kes

I've had two Greek yogurts today.  280 calories.  I'll probably have some broccoli or carrots later.  Like around 3 maybe.  I weigh 117 as of this morning.  I wanted to see 116.  I could have done better.  At least I didn't gain.  I'm going to try to keep my intake lower today.  D said he wants me to go to Iowa.  He said "Hey babe.i really need to c u today.plse come here somewhere in the evening".  I called him and he said he wants to talk about some things.  He won't really tell me what things.  I don't really want to go, but I can skip supper if I go.  Things really need to change and D never puts in any effort and says it's me that isn't putting in any effort.  I drive for like 30 miles to go see him.  I've loaned him like $200 so he can have his phone on so he would have a chance to get a job and pay for gas for him to get the job when he got one.  He promised me he would pay it back like 2 months ago.  He just gave me $30 the other day.  Not the $200 he was supposed to.  Like WTF?!  D can be such an ass.  D quit his job because he said he wasn't making enough money.  Apparently $250 a week working only 4 days a week isn't enough.  There is no fucking way he spends $250 on gas each week.  Maybe $50 at the most.  Then that leave $200 a week.  Meaning $800 a month.  Phone is $50/month and car insurance is like $50/month.  So he would still have $700 per month.  Which obviously isn't going to be enough...  I have no idea what he did with the rest.  It's so ridiculous.  I'm sick of this.  I wish I could just change my phone number and never see/talk to him again.  I need to exercise til I hurt.  Ugh!  So much stress = not worth it.

~Kes

Burned like 600 cal today.  Ate like 800 cal.  I feel pretty good I guess.  I'm tired.  Slightly sore.  My mom bought more diet pop today.  :)  I hope I can do just as good tomorrow.  But I'm not sure who will be home when so I might not be able to work out as much.  I saw a bruise on my leg earlier.  I have no idea how I got it.  I'm glad I quit the amitriptyline.  It caused me to get bruises way too easily.  I had bruises all over my knees and legs and arms and I looked horrible.  I hated it.  In a way I'm glad I had to quit going to the doctor.  It cost money that I didn't really have and the meds he gave me never really worked.  And they had to weigh me ever time I went to see the doctor.  And they would tell me I lost weight.  At some point I'm sure they would tell me I lost too much weight.  Last time they weighed me I had been about 130 or 135.  That was like December though.  I was supposed to go back like early March or something.  I would have weighed like 125 then.  I would probably be going back in like a month from now too.  And I would like to weigh about 110 by then.  I'm sure they would interfere with my life.  Tell me I need to gain weight.  The doctor put me on a med that would cause me to gain weight.  Something.  I just want to be able to lose weight without any one saying anything bad or causing me any problems.  I want to wake up and see 115.  I doubt I will tomorrow, but hopefully the day after.  I want to see 116 tomorrow.  But 117 would be ok I guess.  Not what I want, but it would be better than working my ass off just to gain.

~Kes

I did 15 min of step aerobics using the stairs in my house.  I ended up sweaty.  Burned about 100 cal.  Not bad for only 15 min.  I've done some calisthenics but I need to do more.  I've had about 300 cal so far today.  I've burned about 300 so far.  I want to wake up lighter.  I want to see a smaller number on the scale when I weigh in tomorrow.

~Kes

I ate a 4-oz Greek yogurt for breakfast as planned.  I worked for not quite 2 1/2 hours.  And then I went to the store to get food.   I bought carrots (hoping I can manage to eat them and keep them down...it's been a while since I've had them and I'm not pregnant now so I should be ok...I hope...) and fresh green beans (never had them fresh really and I kinda want to try them.  I've had canned but I've been told fresh tastes better) and green peppers (2) and I found won ton wrappers (not so good...) and mozzarella cheese (not so good...) and canola oil (not so good but I don't know anything else to use when cooking to replace the oil) and a tv dinner like thing (not good but I'll probably purge it after I eat it) and a diet.  So now I'm drinking the diet and eating carrots.  I can eat the whole bag and it's less than 200 calories so that's not bad at all.  I probably will eat like half the bag and call it my lunch and maybe eat broccoli for a snack or something.  And since my mom is helping my sister move her stuff out of her apartment and my dad is working, I'm going to have quite a bit of time to exercise.  Today is looking like it will be a good day.  I just have to avoid the not so good things I bought.  Shouldn't be hard.  I'll probably freeze the cheese and won ton wrappers and not cook/bake anything today.  And I'm not eating the tv dinner thing tonight because my parents won't be around.  If my sister is around I'll just eat cereal or something with fewer calories.  Now to get out of my work uniform and weigh myself (just for it to say 118 yet again...It said 118 this morning) and maybe exercise.

~Kes

Meal plan for tomorrow:

Any 0 cal drink is allowed all day

B-  4 oz Greek yogurt (110)

L- 1/4 c cereal with 1/4 c milk (55) and 1 c broccoli (30)

S- sugar-free pudding (60)

D- 1 c broccoli (30)

S- 6 oz Greek yogurt (140) (may  skip)

Total calories: 425

I had less than 200 calories of chips and salsa.  That's all that I've had that wasn't on my meal plan.  Not nearly as bad as it could have been.  I had maybe 150 cals of chips and maybe 20 cals of salsa.  So it could have been a lot worse.  I just did some exercising.  I'm going to do a little more later.  I like the way I feel during and after a workout, but before I start, I just never feel motivated enough.  I'm lazy I guess.  I just don't want to, but if I make myself do it, then I feel good.  I need to exercise more.  I just wish I could do some high intensity cardio.  But I would make too much noise and my parents would get pissy.  I did 100 crunches, 20 leg lifts (each leg), 20 squats, 25 lunges (each leg) and 10 push-ups.  I want to do just as many of each after supper if not more.  I'm going to give myself a little break and depending on when supper will be, do some more.  I need to clean my room.  I have a stability ball.  I love it, but I don't have room for it in my room right now.  So I need to get around to doing that.  Other than that, my life isn't exciting.  Just some like 30-ish year old guys staying at the hotel seem to think they should talk to me.  Not in a creepy way (luckily).  One was just like Smile, it ain't that bad.  And today he was like Hi how are ya.  Apparently one got fired from his job on Sunday and then he other quit.  Something like that anyway.

~Kes

I ate lunch 15 min early.  I didn't want my mom to come home from work before I ate.  I wouldn't be able to measure it out then.  And I'm hungry even after eating.  Not too big of a deal.  I'm cold and wet right now.  It started raining pretty hard and my cat was outside so I went to find her.  I'm sort of thinking about eating broccoli and doing some cleaning and exercising.  Broccoli is fairly low cal and I could burn it off pretty easy.  I think I'll wait a while and see.

~Kes

I didn't follow my meal plan.  About 3 pm I was talking to D on the phone.  He owes me money and I was trying to figure out when I can get it.  So he pissed me off.  I started eating some candy.  Like 200 cal worth.  And cookies.  Like 3 so maybe 300 cal, maybe more, maybe less.  Added on to the 360 cals I already had.  And then I left to go to Iowa.  My plan was to be late to see D.  He always shows up late so I figured I would too.  Mostly to see what he does.  About the time I should be there he calls.  I usually wait til he's like 5 min late before I call him.  And he asked the exact same questions I always would.  Are you almost here? And How much longer?  And I gave him the answers he gave me.  I'm almost there.  And I'll be there shortly.  And I showed up 15 min late.  So I'm not in a good mood and D expects me to be all happy and what not.  I had just wanted to get my money and go.  He kept saying later and asking what's wrong.  Eventually he got me to relax and stuff.  He wanted to get me Chinese.  I told him I wasn't eating.  That's why I came to Iowa.  So I wouldn't have to eat.  Then he ate some of his food and I just sat there.  Then we watched some TV.  And I started to want to binge after a while.  Binging means purging.  And D kept asking me if I wanted Chinese.  I said I would rather have pizza than Chinese.  And then I said no I don't want anything because I shouldn't eat.  And eventually a commercial came on and made me want pasta.  So after a few min I decide we can go to the grocery store and get something to eat.  But he has to eat with me because otherwise I would feel weird and I get to purge.  He was ok with that.  So I bought a brownie and a pasta thing that I just had to microwave for the two of us and some pop.  And we ate and I purged and I got most of it up.  D just doesn't want to watch.  Fine with me.  D's toilet is disgusting, which probably helped make purging easier.  I used a pen because that's what I had.  So I had maybe 1000 calories yesterday.  I'm still 118-ish today.  I'm going to try harder to follow my meal plan today.  I'm going to try to do some exercises when I get home too. I really want today to be a really god day.  I want to wake up tomorrow a pound lighter.  I may make a meal plan for tomorrow later too.  Well, I gotta finish getting ready for work.

~Kes

Happy :)

I got home.  I got paid so I went to the bank and got gas.  I got home and no one was here.  So I weighed myself.  3x in 3 different places to make sure.  117-118-ish.  Happy.  I binged on like 2000+ cals of chocolate and I'm only 118 today?  Really?  I'm happy.  Now I just need to follow my meal plan for the rest of today and tomorrow and see what I weigh on Wednesday.  Now for some cereal and maybe exercise.

~Kes

I was very bloated last night.  I looked like I was 5-6 months pregnant.  I might still be a little bloated today.  I hope it's bloating and not fat.  I'm eating a 140 cal Greek yogurt.  I can't weigh myself today.  Maybe tomorrow.  I don't know if I'll want to.  I have a list of 18 places to apply at.  And since D is an ass, I probably won't get hired at any of them.  Most applications have that annoying questionnaire where they ask thing like how quickly do you get work done compared to others and there is a new person at work what do you do and work just got super busy and you can't keep up what do you do.  And then there's the personality ones.  I hate those.  I'm not an optimistic overly bubbly person.  I can't ever answer the questions right.  And my last name doesn't help.  I can't get a job at McDonald.  They won't hire me because of my last name.  Thanks to my dear cousin (sarcasm).  I can't really get a job anywhere.  My cousin has made everything extremely difficult.  I wish I had a different last name than him.  I used to want to just hurry up and get married so I could change my last name.  And then I could possibly get financial aid for college.  But everything has pretty much been ruined.  FML.

~Kes

2 Day Meal Plan

Hopefully I can follow this.


Monday

Breakfast (8 am) - Greek yogurt (110-140 cals)

Lunch (1 pm or later) - 1 cup Kashi GoLean cereal with 1 cup milk (220)

Snack (3:30 pm) - skip

Dinner (6 pm) - skip

Snack (9 pm) - sugar-free pudding (60)
-may skip

Total cals for the day : 330-420



Tuesday

B (8 am) - Fuze (180)

L (1 pm or later) - ¼ cup cereal with ¼ cup milk (55)

S (3:30 pm) - 0 cal drink of some sort

D (6 pm) - whatever I get fed (400? - will try to eat no more than 400 cal worth of food)

S (9 pm) - sugar-free pudding (60)
-may skip

Total for the day: 635?-695? (hopefully less than 635)

D has ditched me yet again.  I'm pissed and depressed and like everything in between.  I think I need a low cal diet starting tomorrow.  Lasting Monday through Friday.  Maybe a day or two of fasting in there.  Supper will be soon.  After supper I'm cleaning and probably going to do some crunches until my abs hurt.  Then squats until my legs/knees/something hurts.  Then maybe a little break or more crunches.  Basically instead of cutting (which I really want to do) I'm going to exercise until I hurt bad enough.  Hopefully it will make me feel better.  If you know of any exercises that could cause my muscles to hurt (without any exercise equipment and no jumping/running/loud noise making) please tell me!  I'm thinking 600 cal max for my diet.  I'm going to go to Iowa tomorrow.  D owes me money and I'm making him pay me back.  He keeps saying he will and never does.  So now he's going to.  And then I'll probably not see him for a very long time.  Unfortunately I will probably have to see him at some point.  I need to be skinny when that happens.  I need to be skinny in general.  I'll probably end up consuming like 1500 calories today.  I ate a mini chocolate bunny and more candy.  I shouldn't have but I did.  I think I'll just start everything over tomorrow.  Today has been pretty much ruined.  I have a swimsuit if I didn't say that already.  My parents found the one I had wanted last night, so they bought one for me.  I have to pay them back but not too big of a deal.  The back needs a little adjusting because it's weird.  It slides up my back so it needs changed.  I need to make sure I look good in it when I wear it.  And last night when I tried it on I looked ok I guess...as in not really.  My belly is too big and my arms and thighs.  It didn't cut in or anything like that but it didn't look too good.  It was a medium.  I would like to be able to wear a small.  Maybe next year?  Maybe by the end of summer I can buy a small swimsuit.  Somehow blogging makes me feel better.  I have a plan sort of.  I will make a meal plan after supper and maybe post it on here tonight or tomorrow.  Supper's ready so I gotta go.

~Kes

Supper is going to be grilled steaks and maybe some sort of pasta.  Probably going to total like 500 calories and my intake will probably be somewhere around 1000 if I don't eat anything else.  But I probably will eat more candy.  But I still have cleaning to do.  Which I should get started on...  Maybe in a little while.  I wish I could purge after supper, but I doubt I'll be able to.  I think I need to make myself something like a meal plan.  I might make one for tomorrow and see how closely I can follow it.  But I need to find out if D is coming over.  He said he would but he backed out last minute last 2x.

Since I didn't say it earlier-
Yay! New followers!  I have 10!  I feel special.  Apparently my ramblings are worth reading to some people! :)

~Kes

Just ate lunch.  Left over rice.  I put some red pepper powder in it.  I think it tastes better spicier.  Hopefully it will boost my metabolism some.  It was less than 300 calories, but I'm not sure how much less.  I ate one Butterfinger egg.  So another 42 calories.  So 342 for lunch and maybe 100 left from breakfast.  Not too bad since it's almost 2 pm.  I need to clean yet.  Hopefully I can burn some calories doing that.  Don't really have much to say.  Just another boring day.  I get paid tomorrow but I doubt I'll have enough money to go do much of anything.

~Kes

I woke up around 7 am and stayed in bed for like an hour hoping to go back to sleep.  Didn't manage to go back to sleep.  Got up and read some blogs.  Went down stairs.  My mom gave me Easter candy.  She said it was all safe to eat because she had "sampled" at least one of everything.  Fatass.  She had bought like 7 bags of candy and divided it up between me, my dad, my sister, and her boyfriend.  And my mom brought out the bad and was like "see?" and there were like 10+ wrappers.  She had to have eaten like 500+ calories.  Probably more.  Fatass.  And I ate like 4 Butterfinger eggs.  Like 42 cals each.  So like 168 cals.  And then I had some cereal.  Maybe 200 calories, but probably less.  Then my dad left.  Then my mom left.  I weighed myself.  121.  Gross.  I'm a fucking fatty.  I made some tea and drank it.  I went and purged.  I probably didn't need the tea, but I figured it would help everything come up.  I got up almost all of it.  I still feel fat.  Purging made me feel hungry.  I'm not going to allow myself to eat until 1 pm or later.  I will allow 0 cal drinks.  Nothing else.  I'm going to try to feel D most of my Easter candy.  It's way too many calories for me.  I have a lot of cleaning that I need to do.  My arms are sore from carrying/playing with my daughter.  I need a good workout.  I need to get my weight under control and start losing weight again.  I need to get back down to 116.  So frustrated/stressed/depressed/ect/ect/ect.

~Kes

Aye Ell-The time I was told I was 5'1" was at like 9 am.  I had been awake for like maybe 2 hours.  I have an aunt who is really short.  She's 4'11".  When I was growing up, every time my sister and I saw her at family gatherings it was always, "Is Kes or T (my sister) taller than Aunt S?"  My sister is shorter than me.  And I sort of like my height.  I wouldn't want to be much taller.  It looks weird when a guy and a girl are like dating and the girl is taller than the guy.  D is only like an inch taller than me.

So I'm cooking rice.  I accidentally let it boil over.  I forgot to turn down the temperature.  Oops...  Oh well.

I weighed myself earlier and the scale said 121.  Then I was extremely upset/pissed.  I was already kind of upset/pissed.  It only made it worse.  Then I did like 10 min of cardio and weighed myself again to see if the horror of 121 was true.  Apparently if I put my weight more on my heels, the scale will say I weigh more than if my weight is more evenly distributed.  Like more centered.  And the scale said 119 when I weighed again.  So I decided to check my weight 2 more times in 2 different spots in the kitchen.  119 both of those times too.  I'm hoping I don't gain any more.  I've eaten a lot today, but I've been moving around more.  It's easier for me to exercise ad such when no one is around.  I guess it's because I don't want my parents to hear me doing jumping jacks or whatever in my room and start asking questions.

I should probably go check my rice before it boils over or burns or something.

~Kes

Height

My height is between 5'1" and 5'5".  I was told I was 5'1" the last time someone measured my height (not quite 2 years ago).  I was only told 5'1" once.  I was told 5'5" like 4 years ago.  I really don't think I shrunk 4" in like 2 years.  My mom insists that I'm 5'3".  So it's kind of like take your pick. 

~Kes

My daughter has been keeping me busy.  My parents and I took her to an Easter egg hunt.  Then my mom and I took her to another one.  My arms are tired from carrying her and picking her up.  I've probably eaten 550-600 calories so far today.  I need a good workout, but I can't until my daughter goes home.  I don't have to much to say.  I saw a girl I went to school with at one of the Easter egg hunts.  She had a baby like 3 months before me.  She used to be tiny.  Like 5'6-ish and like 115 lbs.  Not like really tiny but she was small.  She was really pretty. I had heard that she had gotten big.  She has gotten really big.  Like she probably weighs 160-ish now.  Like big.  Like she's big enough that she isn't really pretty any more.  She had a boy.  He's kinda chubby for his age.  I think any way.  He looked a little shorter than my daughter and like 5 pounds heavier.  5 pounds doesn't seem like much but when it's between to 1 year olds that are like 33-inches tall, it's quite a bit.  And at the other Easter egg hunt, I saw one of my exes.  He's lost weight.  He used to be like normal.  He wasn't skinny.  He had muscle but wasn't like buff.  Then he had gained like 30 pounds.  Not muscle though.  It was all fat.  He was not even semi good looking then.  Now he's lost like all of that fat.  His arms looked like they were stronger than they used to be.  Thank whatever you believe in that his wife was with him.  I didn't want to have to talk to him.  He would never think about talking to me if his wife was around.  She's a psycho bitch.  She's also 10 years older than him.  He looked at me and gave me this look.  Almost like he wanted to talk to me.  He hasn't seen me since like October?  Something around then.  I was like 150 pounds then.  So now I weigh 30 pounds less.  His wife is still just as fat though.  She's never been pretty.  Even if she lost 50 pounds (which she needs to) she wouldn't be pretty.  I think I at least have potential.  I just need to lose weight and dress my body properly and learn how to use make-up.  I have dark circle under my eyes.  It's hereditary unfortunately.  And I'm just not that pretty.  I can be with make-up.

I suppose I'll just leave it at that.  I started to write a post, then realized I had nothing to say and deleted it.  Then I started writing again.  And I couldn't finish.  So I'll just end this here so it's done.  I don't like starting a post and coming back later because I never remember what I said.

~Kes

Tired

My daughter does not like to sit still.  I had about 550 calories for supper.  I'm too tired to do much of anything. I was looking for thinspo, but I quit because I'm tired.  I found like 3 pictures and gave up.  I was just kinda going through my facebook friends' pictures.  I found one of me from like 2008?  Maybe 2009... Not sure.  Either way, I'm not fat.  I could be thinner, but I don't look bad.  I managed to weigh myself earlier.  I couldn't decide if I wanted to or not.  I didn't have much time to decide, so I stepped on.  It said 118.  Hopefully I can lose another pound by the time I get to weigh myself again.  I wish I could quit obsessing over my weight and calories and how many I've burned/need to burn, ect.  I wish I was just naturally thin and happy.  I just want to be happy.  I'd settle for being on the smaller end of average if I was happy.  I don't want to be just average.  I'd rather people say she's kinda small kinda average.  Not she's just average.  She's just ok.  I don't have any true friends.  I thought I had one.  But she got a boyfriend and then could ever hang out with me.  Because I'm not one of their friends.  And apparently I can't even meet him and their friends and become one of their friends.  So I haven't talked to her in months.  Then the rest of my sort of friends are away at college or whatever.  One went to Florida to work at Disney.  I can never remember if it's World in Florida or if it's Land.  Doesn't matter too much.  Anyway, I don't have any one to hang out with ever.  Probably why I've taken to obsessing over weight and such.  And probably why I post so much.  Nothing else to do.  I've tried to get people to hang out with me, but they won't ever.  They just say things like I have to check my work schedule and I'll have to see.  And they never say anything back and such.  I want friends who are either skinny or active.  I don't want ones that sit around and watch movies while eating ice cream and stuffing chips in their mouths.  I wish I could have stayed in Colorado.  I would have been happier.  Probably would have been fatter though.  I suppose I've rambled enough.  It's almost late enough that I might be able to go to bed.  It'll take me at least 2 hours to fall asleep though.

~Kes

I baked cookies.  I ate too many cookies.  I had like 700 calories worth of cookies and milk.  Maybe not quite that.  I'm hoping.  I had calculated how many calories were in one cookie like a week ago when I had originally thought about making them.  It had come to 103 calories per cookie.  But that was if I made 4 1/2 dozen.  I ended up making like 7-8 dozen.  I lost count.  I ate like 7 cookies.  I'm hoping I can burn enough calories to make up for like half of it.  Breakfast was almost 200 calories.  Lunch was about 200.  Then cookies.  Making 1100.  Supper will be like 600.  I probably burned 300 calories at work.  So that puts me at a net of 1400.  So I need to burn like 500 calories.  And I need to make sure tomorrow is a good day.  I don't want to weigh myself.  I'm afraid of what the scale would say.  Good thing I can't weigh myself yet.  I have 3 full days until I'll be able to weigh myself.  I feel excessively huge.  I think I've gained weight.  I wish I could say I'm just bloated, but I don't think that's it.  I might be a little bloated, but not much.  I need to exercise.

~Kes

I don't have time to write much.  I had Greek yogurt (140) and a sugar-free mocha (50) for breakfast.  I work.  I'll probably only work like 3 hours.  It's raining.  Again.  Will it ever stop?  No, not any time soon anyway.  I need to eat less today and burn more calories.  I need to see 115 on the scale the next time I weigh myself.  Well, I'm out of time to write.

~Kes

I Don't Like Titles...

My current net is like 800 cals.  I didn't finish my supper because I was full.  So it's probably a little less then 800.  Breakfast probably wasn't as many calories as I'm counting either, but I'd rather be over than under with my estimations for food.  I'd rather be under than over with exercise though.  That's why I count 1 hour at work as 100 calories.  It's actually like 150 calories in an hour or something.  Supposedly any way.  So I'm hoping to burn like 100 more before bed.  I need to be in control.  I can't keep eating mindlessly.  I'm better about eating slower but that's about it.  What I really need is to live somewhere else.  On my own or with D.  As long as D gets his shit figured out.  It would be easier to lose weight.  I wouldn't have to eat because people are watching.  I could weigh myself multiple times a day.  I could purge if I binged.  I would probably be happier.  I could exercise easier.  Well, I should shower, clean and maybe do a little exercising.  Daydream ramblings won't get me very far.

~Kes

I worked til about 12:45.  So I probably burned like 300 calories.  I'm going to have a baked potato if it ever gets done.  It's been an hour at 400 degrees and it needs like another 30 min.  So I probably won't be snacking. I bought a diet Pepsi.  Well, it was my mom's money.  She had me buy some stuff after work.  So lunch will probably be 300 calories.  Breakfast was like 200-250.  So today has the potential to be good.  My sister and my mom are dying Easter eggs.  I might bake some cookies later.  I'm going to make them like bite-sized.  So hopefully I will consume fewer calories.  Haven't been able to weigh myself.  Sorry this is so jumbled.  My mom and sister have been wandering around the house so I have to hide this and then when I get back to it, I forget where I am.  My daughter is coming Friday afternoon/night and leaving Saturday afternoon.  So I'm hoping I can avoid food.  I'll probably post later

~Kes

I can't weigh myself until like Tuesday.  My dad is a high school teacher and it happens to be the school's spring break.  So I can't weigh myself because he will be around.  So I don't know if I've gained any more or if I'm the same or if I lost or anything.  It sucks.  I don't want to wait 5 days before I can weigh myself.  I really need to find a way to weigh myself.  In 5 days I could end up well into the 120s.  I don't ever want to go back to the 120s.  I don't know what I'll do if I weigh myself Tuesday and the scale says like 125.  I really need the scale to say 115.  And since my dad is here, I'm going to have to have normal breakfasts and lunches.  Half a cup of dry cereal and a diet won't work.  I'm going to have to have a bowl of cereal (unmeasured) with milk (unmeasured). So I'm not going to be able to tell how many calories I'm getting.  It's really going to suck.  I really hope I can control my eating and not binge.  Speaking of binging, D really pissed me off last night.  He said he wanted to binge.  And then listed some random foods that he would "binge" on.  So I told him to just go do it.  And of course he doesn't he just keeps talking.  He never shuts up.  And then he said he would purge after.  I know he won't purge.  He doesn't know how and I just know that he wouldn't any way.  And he was really pissing me off.  I felt like he thought binging and purging and EDs are ok to like joke about.  Like they're nothing serious.  Like they can't result in death.  Well, I have to go.  Write more later, as usual.

~Kes

I'm A PIG

I've consumed a lot since I last posted.  That was like what? 6 hours ago?  I've had blondies (300-ish), Reese's eggs (2 at 170 cal each - 340), chips and salsa (150), pasta (75-ish), more pasta(300-ish), and chocolate(110-ish).  So like almost 1300.  I'm a fat fucking PIG.  I seriously need to exercise.  Like a lot of exercising.  The only good thing is there are no more Reese's eggs and the blondies are almost gone.  I hope I don't weigh more than 119 tomorrow.  I need 70 degree weather so I can go for long walks with my dog.  I need to quit binging.  I have no self-control.  I need to get everything under control.  D called.  He has managed to thoroughly piss me off.  Apparently I just never understand.  Apparently I'm supposed to be perfectly ok with him never calling or texting me when he says he will.  And I'm supposed to be ok with waiting for 30 min for him to show up.  Apparently my time isn't valuable.  I really wish I could just like never talk to him ever again.  Never call him, never text him.  Never answer when he calls or respond when he texts me.  I really wish I could.  But I can't.  And it's my fault.  I don't have any will power or self-control.  I can't ever say no to anyone or anything.  I need to exercise til I hurt.  Maybe I'll feel better.

~Kes

Lunch

I finished the cereal from earlier.  I also had broccoli and a sugar-free pudding.  I'm at 250 calories.  Drinking diet green tea right now.  My weight is still 119.  I was hoping it would go down to 118.  I probably burned 250 calories working.  I'd say I'm doing good so far.  D still hasn't called me.  It's pissing me off.  I think I'll exercise some.  I don't really have anything else to do.

~Kes

My parents got the date messed up and aren't going to a church thing tonight.  It's next week.  Damn.  So I will have to come up with another way to avoid eating.  I don't want to go to Iowa because I'm almost broke.  I have like $24 and I don't want to have to buy more gas until I get paid on Monday.  I had to buy gas last time I was in Iowa.  I didn't manage to exercise for 2 hours like I said I was going to.  Idk but I just couldn't.  I couldn't even go for an hour.  I don't really want to work today.  I need to weigh myself yet.  I don't want to.  I'm afraid I'll be back to 119.  I probably will be.  I have to cut 3500 calories to lose a pound, but I can gain 1 by eating like 1500 calories.  Shouldn't I have to eat 3500 calories to gain a pound?  Apparently I don't.  I weighed myself.  I'm back to 119.  DAMMIT!  I think less then 200 calories for breakfast and lunch and no snacks.  Supper will probably end up being 500 calories.  So 900 or less calories and if I manage to exercise, I can probably get a net of around 500.  So 140 calories of cereal and a diet for breakfast.  I got it when I weighed myself.  I want to see 115 by Monday, but I doubt it will happen.  I wonder how much weight I need to lose to have a flat stomach and a thigh gap.  I'll probably have to be underweight.  Hopefully I'll have it when I weigh 110.  I shouldn't go much lower than 115 while I'm living with my parents though.  But hopefully I won't be living here much longer.  Like a month?  I don't think I'll finish my cereal.  It seems like a lot.  It was 1 cup and it like filled the bowl I put it in.  It looked like such a huge amount.  I've eaten less than half and I'm like full.  But the diet is probably what did it.  Well, enough of my ramblings again.  I'm off to get ready for work and make some 0 calorie strawberry lemonade stuff.

~Kes

Calories

So supper was bad.  Chicken (350-ish) and broccoli (40-ish) and I had a few fried potato slices (40-ish).  So Like 430-ish calories.  Add that on to the 1250 I've probably eaten today.  And like 1680-ish.  SHIT!  I need to work out until my net is 900-ish.  My ramblings as I try to figure out how to get my net to be 900 or less will begin here --->  Work probably burned like 400.  All of the calculators I've used say different things for like cleaning/housework.  It's so annoying.  So the lowest said 531 calories burned in 4 hours of light cleaning.  So I'll say 400 calories burned in 4 hours because I doubt it's right.  So 100 calories an hour for cleaning means I could clean for an hour and do calisthenics for 30 min that will burn a little over 200 calories.  So 200 + 400 = 600 and 1700 - 600 = 1100 so I would still need to burn 200 calories so I need to figure something else out that won't take as long because it's almost 7 pm and I shouldn't stay up too late working out because I have to work tomorrow.  1700 - 900 = 800 and 800 - 400 = 400 so I still need to burn at least 400 calories.  UGH!  I need to burn like 200 calories/ hour.  Aerobics?  I guess.  Two hours is a lot for aerobics though.  I guess it will have to do.  I probably only need to do an hour and a half, so I guess I'll go with aerobics.  If it wasn't so cold and wet I would go for a 4 mile walk/run.  <--- End of trying to calculate how to get a net of 900 or less.  So tomorrow, my parents are going to go to a church to eat.  I'm not going because I don't like chicken and noodles (never have) and it's home made noodles (also have never liked them).  So I'm staying home, which means I can keep my intake a lot lower.  I may try to fast again.  And in other news, D is pissing me off.  He said he would call me back when he got home.  He got off the phone so he could drive home, so it should have been like 10 mins tops.  He still hasn't called me and he has his phone turned off.  He is pissing me off.  Well, time to do some (a lot) of aerobics.

~Kes

117

I weigh 117.  I weighed myself again.  I worked til a little after 1:30.  I've eaten more than I should have so far today.  I'm probably going to try to clean my room so that I have enough space to exercise.  I've eaten like 2 1/2 blondies (like 375-ish?) and a chocolate creme egg thing (like 200-ish?) and I had Greek yogurt (140) and so far that's all I've eaten.  But I have a potato baking in the oven (150-ish) and I'll put broccoli (30-ish) and cheese (100-ish) on it.  So after I eat that I will have a total of about 1000 calories.  SHIT!  It's only 3 p.m.  I guess I'll just have to burn off like 300-600 cals.  My mom said that I've lost all the weight I need to lose.  Apparently she thought I needed to lose weight.  Not really a surprise.  She's part of the reason I started to want to lose weight. Her and my sister started this.  But I'm not ready to quit losing weight.  I'm not skinny.  I need to lose more weight.  I want to be underweight.  I'm just average.  I have a BMI of 19.5.  Not good enough.  I need to lose more weight, but I need to make sure I don't make anyone suspicious.  Well, off to eat a potato and then probably clean.

~Kes

Down

I weigh 117-ish.  Maybe 116.5?  It's hard to tell.  The lines are crammed together.  I really want a digital scale, but my parents would start asking questions and I can't have that.  Maybe I'll buy one when I move out of my parents.  If I can afford it that is.  It's raining.  I have to work and tell my boss I'm quitting.  I really don't want to work.  I ate a Greek yogurt for breakfast.  I love the honey flavor.  140 calories and it's sweet.  I had bought some last night.  There was a carmel flavor.  I love carmel.  It was sold in a four pack thing.  I didn't buy it because I didn't want to spend that much money.  I really don't have much to say, because I said everything last night.  If no one is home when I get off work, I'm going to weigh myself again.  I should still at least be close to 117.

~Kes

Relaxed Finally

I broke the fast like an hour ago.  Frozen yogurt.  Then I got home and there were blondies (chocolate chip cookie bars).  So I ate like 1 1/2 depending on how big your 1 would be.  And a glass of milk.  I'm at less than 600.  I say it's good.  I was talking to D.  I've told him about my, uh, eating habits.  Like fasting and binging/purging and he doesn' completely understand but he's ok with it.  He doesn't know what anorexia is or bulimia.  He doesn't understand the concept or why anyone would do it or anything.  He isn't from the U.S.  He is used to people paying money to gain weight, not lose it.  He is from Africa.  But D says as long as I'm happy with my weight, he's happy with it.  Even if it is 20 pounds underweight, he is ok with it.  I told him to tell me when he thought I was getting too thin. He said he would.  He said he would be ok with me binging and purging if we lived together.  Happy :).  I could lose weight easy then.  And be in control of it.  I'm going to tell my boss that I'm quitting tomorrow.  I think I'll finish the pay period which has like 10 days left.  Then D is going to be filling out job apps with me so we can both get decent jobs and move in together.  He puts up with so much shit and I love him so much for it.  And in a non-creepy and completely different way, I love the people who follow this blog or at least read and those who comment and everything.  Before I started this blog, I never would have been able to go more than 5 hours without eating at least a little something.  It seems easier with a blog to distract me and other people to keep me motivated.  The distraction this creates is why I write more than one post a day.  At least my posts aren't terribly long every time.  And sorry for the shitty, bitchy posts I write.  I'll try to be less bitchy.  Doubt I can though.  I am trying to comment more but sometimes I lack words.  I should probably quit rambling and go to bed, so I will quit rambling, read some blogs, and go to bed.

~Kes

Dentist

Went to the dentist.  Fun...  (Sarcasm).  So I will use the excuse my mouth hurts so I can avoid eating.  I want to have 0 cals today.  Well, aside from whatever crap I swallowed at the dentist.  I'm going to do a 0 cal liquid fast for as long as I can.  I need to weigh less that 119.  I want to wake up tomorrow and see 118.  I need to get my room clean so I have room to exercise.  There's a lot I need to do.  I should start by doing the laundry I suppose.

~Kes

Plateau?

I'm still 119.  I think I'm at a plateau.  FML.  I'm still depressed and stressed and I hate myself.  Everything seems pointless.

~Kes

I didn't have time to post earlier.  I post too much anyway.  None of it is ever important really.  I worked until like 3:45.  It sucked.  I hate my job.  I'm going to quit tomorrow.  I don't care if my mother doesn't want me too.  That place is driving me insane.  I came home and cut today.  I was that pissed from work and everything.  I need a new job.  I don't have time to find one with my work schedule.  So if I quit I can actual focus on something besides a job I hate.  I don't care if I have a few days off between jobs or not.  It just has to be a new job that I don't hate.  I've felt sick most of the day.  I had coffee and green tea and some milk.  Probably like 100 calories tops.  I'm gonna try to fast the rest of the day.  I'm going to tell my parents I don't feel well and shower and go to sleep.  I'll weigh myself tomorrow.  I'm not going to be able to today.  I hope I've lost something.  Even just 1 pound.

~Kes

P.S. - My parents made me eat supper.  I purged most of it.  No more food.  I don't want any.  I'm too depressed to eat.  I'm too depressed to do anything really.  I cut some more and I don't feel any better.  FML.

Pizza = Fat

Welcome to the new followers.

Apparently my dad had to go to the high school prom tonight.  So that's where he ended up going.  My mom ended not going anywhere.  There was like no food to eat so she ordered a pizza.  Great.  Fat me had to eat some.  Two HUGE slices.  I probably don't even want to know how many calories.  I'm thinking about fasting tomorrow.  I'm going to at least try.  I'll have milk for breakfast, then after that 0 cal liquids only.  I'll try to avoid supper.  I might have to eat though.  Monday I'll try to fast all day.  Only 0 calorie liquids.  I won't be 115 by Monday like I want.  The pizza just ruined it.  I want to purge.

Aye Ell - For shopping in the QC there's North Park that you said you went to and there's South Park on the Illinois side.  Moline I think.  Then there's Iowa City.  It kind of depends on what stores you like.  There isn't too much around here.  At South Park there are other like little strip malls around it.  I think South Park mall is bigger.  I'm not completely sure though.  I haven't been to Iowa City for like 10+ years so I don't really know what it's like.  I live about an hour south of the QC, so I usually go shopping in Burlington.  It's quite a bit smaller.  I've never been to Coralville.

Cereal for breakfast (200) and fries after work (165).  Four chocolate covered coffee beans now (42).  Diet green tea and a diet Mountain Dew.  My mom was thinking about going shopping tonight since my dad is going somewhere.  If I go with her, I will end up eating fast-food for supper.  I doubt I could keep my intake below 700 calories for that one meal.  Fast-food is so fattening.  Might try to stay home.  Might be able to weigh myself then and skip supper.  Just dirty some dishes so it looks like I ate.  I'm thinking about changing the colors on the blog.  It's a little too pink.  I've been trying to comment on blogs and such.  I don't know what to say a lot of times though.  I'm just a quiet person.  I need to change that.  In real life and in the blogging world.  But theres only so much I can do.  Well, I don't really have anything else I want to say again.

~Kes

Work

Work will be bad.  Not as bad as it could be, but still bad.  It's really busy.  Like 50 rooms.  I'm a hotel housekeeper btw.  I don't think I've said that before.  It'll be like 3 or later when I get done working.  Probably more like between 4 and 5.  I don't feel like typing.  I can't weigh myself because it is the weekend.  My parents don't work on weekends.  It'll probably be Monday when I can weigh myself again.  I went to Iowa.  D made me eat.  I would guess like 500 calories.  Then ice cream.  Like 450 calories there.  Hopefully working this weekend will burn some major calories and I can hopefully get by with eating breakfast and supper.  Breakfast I can keep around 200 easy.  Drink water and diet tea while I work.  Supper I would like to keep below 500.  Then maybe Monday I can be 115.  Hopefully anyway.  That's like all I feel like saying.

~Kes

Short Update

Worked for 6 hours.  Burned some calories I guess.  Not enough though.  I've eaten too much.  I had a small bowl of cereal (<200 cals but idk how many so I'll say 200), sugar-free pudding (60), Greek yogurt (140), 3 mini cupcakes (313), dark chocolate (70) and water (0) and diet green tea (0).  A total of 783 so far.  I might just go to Iowa again.  Probably be better off that way.  I don't have much to say.

~Kes

4-15-11

Yesterday I had a Greek yogurt (170), fries (220), and a sugar-free pudding (60).  So 450 calories.  I went to Iowa so I could avoid eating.  It worked.  D was cooking but he was cooking his food.  And I told him I wasn't going to eat.  I had thought about eating before I left, but I didn't.  I would have ended up consuming like 150+ cals without really eating much.  So I left.  D looks like he's kinda chubby.  Like he has a kinda big belly, but he drinks a LOT of water and just like ends up bloated.  I was surprised.  I didn't go shopping when I was in Iowa.  I'm going to wait until after I get paid.  I'm also kinda waiting for my tax refund, which is like $75.  So I might have like $150.  I might go shopping farther away then.  After a quick check, I have my federal refund.  Now just waiting on the state.  I did a little on-line shopping yesterday.  Victoria's Secret.  I bought two bras and a shirt.  Clearance, but I don't really care.  It would be nice to be able to just go to a store and buy bras, but I can't.  Oh, well.  My weight today is 118.  I would like for today to be under 1000 cals.  I'm probably staying home tonight, so I will have to eat with my parents.  I'm kinda jumping around a lot.  I guess that's just what I do in the morning.  I'm in a decent mood.  I don't want to work though.
Recipe website.  Low-cal recipes of all kinds.  Check it out if you want.
http://www.sparkrecipes.com/
Well I think I'll go drink some diet green tea and get ready for work and then sit around til it's time to go to work.

~Kes

I'm sorry.  I've neglected to welcome the new followers.  So welcome.  I just start in typing my rants and thing and end up completely distracted and never do what I meant to.  I got a little distracted earlier and didn't finish my diet before work and didn't have time to get some green tea to take to work.  So I'm finishing my diet from this morning now.  I had gum while I was working.  I don't think I'll count gum calories because I probably use more than 5 calories chewing the gum so it would all cancel out.  I had a Greek yogurt when I got home.  170 calories.  I should have had something with fewer calories but that only puts me at 170 calories for the day and it's 1:30.  I'm thinking I can keep it under 500 cals today.  I'm thinking about taking Chunky for a walk and then going to Iowa.  I need some jeans that fit.  I've got like 3 pairs from when I weighed 155 and like 3 pairs from before I got pregnant.  I weighed like 125 then.  So I would like to get rid of the ones from when I weighed 155 so I think I could use a couple of new pairs of jeans.  Although, I have considered waiting until after I get paid again.  I get paid in like 11 days.  So in 11 days I can probably lose a few pounds.  I could wait and go then and I might have some more money.  Maybe I'll go twice.  I think I'll go twice.  More walking that way and more time away from food.  I say the work think a lot.  I just noticed that.  Well, my mother is home so I should go.

~Kes

Up Again

I thought I my weight would be up, but i was thinking 117.  No.  I weigh 119.  Again.  This better not turn into a plateau.  I plateaued at 120.  I don't want to plateau until I'm like 114-116 range.  I work today.  So exercise.  Might take the dog for a walk or just go for a walk/run by myself.   I have a small dog.  He has trouble going to three mile walks.  He gets tired after like 1 1/2 miles.  I'm having a diet for breakfast.  Caffeine and 0 cals.  Sounds good to me.  Gonna take some diet green tea to work.  And depending on when I get off work, I might go buy some more diet pop (uh, soda...I say pop always have always will) so I have more variety.  All my mom bought last time was diet Mountain Dew.  It's not my favorite but I'll drink it.  Speaking of my mother, she wanted to know how much the little dog weighed.  I weighed him a while back and he was like 7-ish pounds.  Any way she wanted to weigh him to make sure because he needs flea medicine before he gets fleas.  So since the dog, Chunky, won't stand on the scale, someone has to weigh themself and weigh themself holding Chunky.  Then the difference is Chunky's weight.  So my mother weighed 172 pounds!  FAT!  She's 5'6" and overweight.  But you could tell that by looking at her.  I will never allow myself to be that big unless I'm pregnant.  I reached 175 when I was pregnant, but my baby weighed over 10 pounds.  Any way, I'm back to being in a decent mood.  If it wasn't for me working, I would be painting or something.  I've been trying to do artsy stuff again.  I kinda quit for like two years.  I mean I did some stuff but not a whole lot.  At one point I was really into photo editing.  But I quit for whatever reason.  Probably because I started fighting with my ex and everything started going to shit.  And rant will begin here --> D decided to surprise me yesterday.  He came to town and didn't call me until he was in town.  He didn't know where my house was.  So I was pissed.  My mother wasn't too happy either.  And he only stayed for like 45 min.  It was really pointless.  I was really depressed the whole time.  I didn't want him there.  All he did was say that I need to understand.  WTF?  More like HE needs to understand.  I don't do surprises for one thing.  I told him that too.  And I had to deal with a million questions from my parents after he left.  D never calls or texts when he says he will and never shows up on time.  It really pisses me off and makes me depressed and he doesn't seem to understand that.  He was supposed to text me when he got home.  Well, 45 min after he should have texted me he texts me.  He was supposed to text me at 7.  I told him to before he left.  He said ok.  He doesn't.  Go fucking figure.  I want to like purge him out of my life, but I can't.  Because I'm so fucking stupid.  Why does the world hate me?  <--End Rant.
Well, I have to finish getting ready for work.

~Kes

Ramblings of the Depressed Sort

So much for my good day.  I call D like 20 min before he would need to leave to come see me and he tells me he isn't coming.  Asshole.  I'm pissed off.  I'm depressed.  My mom is pissed at me now.  I hate him.  I really do.  He never does anything he says he will.  Or at least never does any of it on time.  I was wanted to spend most of the day outside.  Now I just want to go hide in a dark corner.  He was supposed to be here 2 hours ago.  I want to cut.  I sort of binged and then purged.  I ate 3 mini cupcakes and frosting and I drank a little Pepsi.  It wasn't all that great to purge but I probably got 90% of it up.  I still have about half the can of Pepsi left.  I'll probably just dump it down the sink later.  I really don't want to cook supper any more.  It was fine when D was coming.  But since he isn't I don't want to have to eat it.  I want to wake up a pound lighter even though I know I'll either have gained or weigh the same.  Dropping 3 pounds over night is hard to maintain.  Even harder to lose even more after that.  At least for me.  I should probably go for a really long walk or run until I can't any more but I doubt I will.  I need more people in my life that don't let me down.  Too bad all of my real friends are so far away.  All are either away at college or live 800 miles away.  I just wish I could have one whole day in which I'm happy.  I don't care if I eat that day or not or if I exercise or not.  I just want to be happy for 24 hours.  Enough of my depressed ramblings.

~Kes

116

So last night my stomach was trying to kill me.  I was going to have a pepto latte (just a dose of regular pepto bismuth but for whatever reason my sister started saying pepto latte and for whatever reason now I am too) but I couldn't find any.  So I suffered.  And I was in the bathroom a lot.  And now I'm 116 pound this morning.  I did manage to buy a gallon of diet green tea with citrus (0 cals) and some sugar free drink mix (0 cals) and sugar free pudding (60 cals) and more vitamins.  Wasn't completely bad.  If my parents ask why the tea is diet, I'll say there wasn't any regular (lie but oh well) and the drink mix is sugar free because that is all there was (true but I also wanted 0 cals).  I still have a bad cough from when I was sick and a stuffed/runny nose (which could be allergies).  D is coming over later.  I'm kind of excited.  It's supposed to be nice out today.  Hopefully I can get in a lot of walking or some sort of exercise.  D likes soccer so maybe I'll attempt to play soccer.  I haven't eaten yet today.  I'm thinking some milk for breakfast and nothing else.  And yogurt for lunch.  Under 400 cals easy.  I have some stuff to do around the house before I go meet D.  Distraction from food.  Perfect.  I think I'll do some reward shopping when I get paid in a little less than two weeks.  I bought Nicki Minaj's Pink Friday cd and some sandals and the diet foods I mentioned.  I think I'll call that a reward for breaking below the 120s.  I'm like almost broke I think.  I had to get gas.  I owe my parents like $75 and I have to pay $65 for my phone.  So if I get $300 on my next check and I pay my parents back and my phone I'll have $160 and I'll spend $80 on gas.  So I'll have $80 for whatever and any money that I may possibly have left after last night.  Ok I might not be broke.  I think I'll drink some milk and figure out how much money I have left.  Then shower and clean.

~Kes

Stupid Me

I get to Iowa and D said he was hungry.  He got Chinese for us.  Fuck.  Fried rice.  Fried chicken.  Double Fuck.  I ate.  I really shouldn't have.  Like 1000 calories.  Fuck.  And I ate the right amount to want to binge.  We got ice cream.  Like another 700 calories.  Seriously.  Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.  1000 + 700 + 405 = 1205.  Fuck.  Not nearly enough exercise to come close to making up for any of it.  And now my stomach has decided to hurt.  If it would have hurt after a little Chinese I would have had an excuse to quit eating and I could have stopped at like 1000 for the day.  Maybe even less.  Since I was with D I couldn't purge.  I haven't purged for a while.  Like a month?  Maybe two.  Not sure.  I feel like shit.  I'm going to bed.  Fuck.

~Kes

Lunch

Lunch is a small baked potato (100 or less) with broccoli (30) and cheese (70).  And a diet.  I worked for three hours.  Not bad but not good.  I might have burned 200 cals if I'm lucky.  No, I'm not a lucky person.  A re-weigh puts me at 119.  Still the same.  Maybe I'll go for a run or walk later.  If I run I probably won't manage to run for a mile.  If I walk I can walk for like 5 miles.  Walking takes a lot longer though.  Maybe some run/walk intervals.  I'm not depressed today, but I'm not as happy as I was yesterday morning.  I'm probably going to Iowa later.  Like in an hour.  Avoid food easier that way.  Well I don't really have that much to say.  Total of 405 cals  so far today.  Hopefully I can keep it under 750.  That would give me 345.  I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I had 350 cals instead.  I want to stay under 800 for sure and I need to definitely keep it under 1000.  I need to burn off like 300+ more calories today.  Doubt I will though.  Well, gonna get ready to go to Iowa.

~Kes

Up

A follower.  I'm not completely alone any more.  Welcome to my messed up life.
I'm back up to 119.  I thought I looked thinned when I looked in the mirror this morning.  I guess I was wrong.  I don't have much time to write anything.  I have to go to work.  I need to leave in 5 min actually.  I've had a muffin (120) and 1/2 cup of cereal (70) and I'm drinking a Fuze (15).  So 205 for breakfast.  Not too bad.  I'm gonna try to skip lunch or keep it at 200 cal or less.  Shouldn't be too hard.  That's all I have time to write.  Gotta go find my shoes.

~Kes

Depression

So I was happy.  And now I'm really depressed.  I've been trying to do laundry.  Stupid me thought I could get 3 loads of laundry done in like 3 hours.  Nope.  Still not done.  It's been almost 4.  I was thinking about going to Iowa.  Not any more.  I'm too depressed and D just really pissed me off.  A fucking movie on TV is more important to him than me and my depression.  It's probably a Lifetime movie too.  I feel really fucking special.  I ate like 250 calories for lunch and it made my stomach hurt and made me bloated.  And that was like 2 1/2 hours ago.  My stomach still hurts. And yet I've still managed to eat more.  Already hit the 750 mark and passed it.  Not by much.  Yet.  I just want to cry.  I hate life.  I want to cut.  I want to take some pills.  I to exercise until I hurt so bad I can't anymore or until I pass out.  I want to purge even though I don't have much in me to purge.  I'm stressed.  I'm depressed.  I'm a fuck-up and a failure.  I don't see the point of living.  I don't know why any of us are here.  It's pointless.  We're all going to die at some point.  And everything will long be forgotten.  Our pasts will be changed so we are only seen as good or bad.  Not a mix of both.  And people will remember what they choose to remember about us.  Not what we want them to remember.  It's all pointless.  Life is pointless.  I just want to give up.  I've failed at suicide before.  I'm afraid to fail again.  Therefore I feel it's best not to attempt again.  And end up $10,000+ dollars in debt.  Again.  What did I do to deserve this?

~Kes

118

Down another pound!  I've had about 300 calories so far today.  Sugar-free Jell-o and a cinnamon roll.  And I'm drinking a diet now.  Diets usually make me lose my appetite and it takes me like an hour to finish one.  I don't like the carbonation but I drink them anyway.  I've got some laundry and cleaning to do to distract me from food.  Probably head over to Iowa around 2 pm and look for a swimsuit (not a bikini because no one wants to see my fat and stretch marks - I want a one-piece cut out one in pink - my favorite color ever since I was pregnant before that I used to hate the color) and maybe just do a little shopping to reward myself for breaking my plateau again.  I re-weighed myself last night if I didn't mention it in my last post and it said the same thing it said yesterday morning (119).  I was happy to see 118 this morning.  Gonna try to stay under 750 cals today.  450 left so it shouldn't be a problem.  I'm in a good mood.  I was going to bake earlier (meaning I would end up putting high calorie baked goods in my mouth), but there wasn't enough butter (yay!), so I couldn't.  I wanted cookies but one cookie would have been 130 calories.   And I eat like 3 at a time.  Good thing there wasn't enough butter.  I'm hoping I get to 115 before I plateau again.  I know I'll plateau again, I always manage to.  But once I break it, I drop like a pound a day for like 3 days.  Sorry for the ramblings and randomness.  Just kind of hyper and happy and stuff.  Well, I got laundry and cleaning to do.  Gonna try to get in some exercise too.

~Kes

Pictures

I said earlier that I was going to try to post pictures so here are some pictures.  And yes, I know, I'm not skinny and I'm not beautiful.  I'm still just fat and ugly.  I'll be skinny when I lose about 20 more pounds and I'll be beautiful probably like never...but being skinny will sort of make up for it.  Sort of.

So me at my HW:

Yeah, not pretty.  Well, pretty fat I guess if you think the word pretty should be used.  But honestly, pretty should never go with the words fat and ugly.  Or anything else along those lines.  In my search to find my fat pictures (which there are not many of) I found a picture from the day before I had my baby.  My stomach was huge.  Like I should have had triplets.  Not one or two but three babies because my stomach was so huge.

Like I said, my belly was fucking huge.  My face isn't as fat in my pregnant picture as it is in the other pictures.   

Anyway, I think I'll skip the me at 123-125 because it's kinda close to where I am now.  I know, bruises and stretch marks - eww - no one wants to see that, but it makes it easier for me to gauge my progress if there isn't a bunch of clothing hiding my fat.

So, me at 119:

I need to lose more.  Quite a bit more.  I need a gap between my thighs.  I need that belly of mine to go away.  I need to lose more weight.  I need my hip bones to show.  I need my rib bones to show.  I'm getting there.  It doesn't look like 35 lbs difference to me, but it is.

I went over my calories allowance.  I ate some ice cream cake.  I really don't think I ate a serving worth.  But it was probably 300 calories worth.  So now I must burn off like 300+ calories.  I might burn off 150 tonight and burn off like 500 tomorrow.  I don't work so I can restrict easily.  A diet for breakfast and gum and water for lunch maybe.  Not sure but I'm going to stay under 750.  I might go to Iowa.  I can avoid eating easier that way.  My parents will just assume I ate and leave me alone.  I could probably do a liquid fast all day, but I don't know that I want to.  Any way, I have calories to burn, then probably go to bed.

~Kes

119

I finally lost a pound.  It's been like a week.  At least I'm down.  I just need to keep losing.  I want to lose weight faster, but since I've been sick and everything, I haven't been able to work as hard as I could and should have.  I'm still kind of sick.  I worked for 4 1/2 hours, so I'll call that good for exercise today.  I just have to eat less than 1000 calories.  I will burn off any calories over 1000.  I will do it today before I go to bed.  I'm at 450 so far today.  I'm not hungry right now.  I was hungry when I was working but I'm not allowed to eat when I work. Then the hunger went away while I was working so I'm fine for now.  550 calories for the rest of the night is easily do-able and I can probably stay under 1000 easy.  Like 850.  My mom and dad are going to my dad's friend's house for supper, so I think I'll stay home.  No pizza means no calorie overload.  I don't work tomorrow so I will probably exercise some.  And clean and do laundry.  Anything to try to keep me from eating and burn some calories.  Today hasn't been exciting at all.  Since I'm under 120, I think I'll take some pictures and maybe post some.  I know I have some from my fatter days on my computer, it's just a matter of finding the right folder.  So may post again later.

~Kes

Quick Update

So I had a Fuze (180) and some cereal (less then 200, but I'll call it 200) and a baked potato (200) with brocolli (50) and cheese (100) and the meds I took earlier to try to feel better.  So a total of 730 from food.  Probably 100-150 from meds.  A total of 830-880.  Not too bad.  Not really hungry right now.  Probably drink a diet and maybe eat some cereal (less then 150 cals worth) and be done eating for the day.  I'm gonna try to stay under 1000 calories tomorrow.  Shouldn't be too hard.  I haven't really been hungry.  Maybe exercise tomorrow if I feel better.

~Kes

Work, Sick, Rambling and Like More Rambling

I went to work.  Worked for three hours.  Not much but since I'm still sick, it was pretty good.  I started sweating like a lot after about 30 min.  But then I quit sweating so much.  I'm guessing the lobby was just extra hot.  It was hotter than the pool room, which is usually like 80 degrees, but the pool room wasn't that hot today. I bought some groceries after work.  Fuze and cereal and fries and brownie mix.  I've been feeling a little better. I think I have my sickness under control.  I think I'll be better in a few days.  Liquid bandage is like the best thing ever.  It burns so fucking bad to put it on, but then once it quits hurting, nothing hurts the abrasion thing for like 6-8 hours.  It doesn't look so disgusting anymore.  So glad J (my ex that I'm still friends with) was sort of there for me.  By there I mean he texted me back.  He lives like 1500 miles away now.  He's like super smart and he said liquid bandage should take care of any infection I might have and prevent it from getting infected if it isn't.  My actual boyfriend, D, wouldn't even text back.  D's smart and could have helped me, he just wouldn't.  He just completely ignored me.  It's like everything has to be about him right now.  I can't take it.  I'm sick as fuck and he doesn't give a shit.  Sorry, rambling.  Anyway, I've had a bottle of Fuze for 180 calories today.  I've had some Robitussin and an antihistamine and couple decongestants.  Those I have no clue on.  Maybe 100 or 150 but hopefully less.  Could be more.  Dunno.  Anyway, probably going to Iowa later.  Like maybe in a hour.  My arms look thin.  My stomach and thighs and surrounding areas, not so much.  All of my weight went to my mid-section when I was pregnant.  Well, I think I'm going to edit an image, eat a little something and maybe head on over to Iowa.

~Kes

I didn't have to work today.  I'm still sick though.  I haven't gotten any better.  I think I might be getting (or already have) an infection.  I have an abrasion, I think I got it when I was working.  I think I made it worse when I was trying to make it better.  It's so painful.  I hate it.  I'm thinking liquid bandage.  I can't put an actual bandage on it because of where it is.  The bandage wouldn't be able to stay on.  So I've had 305 calories so far today.  I think it's over-estimated but I'm not completely sure by how much.  I've had a 1/4 c of ice cream (65) and some cereal (170 at the most but I'm pretty sure I had less than half a serving) and I've had some white chocolate (70 at most).  So the total is 305.  I weighed 120 this morning.  I don't really feel like eating but I know I should so I can get better.  I don't want to not eat because I'm sick.  I don't want to be sick any longer.  My body needs nutrients so it can get better.  I want to get better.  I don't want to lose like 10 lbs from being sick and gain it all back plus more when I get better.  I need to get better.  I want to be able to exercise.  I want to be able to go to work so I can have money so I can pay for my phone and go see my boyfriend.  I've got one hospital bill that's almost paid off.  I'm going to mail a money order today for it.  And I get paid so I have to venture out even though I would much rather lay in bed all day.  Paycheck.  Pay bill.  Liquid bandage.  Maybe buy some stuff for soup.  Maybe some tea.  Maybe oil of oregano.  I doubt I can find it though.  Not around here anyway.

~Kes

Still Sick

Of course.  I didn't expect to wake up 100% better today.  I'm not any better though.  At least it keeps me from eating.  I've had tea (0) and Robitussin (?) and 4 cough drops (60) and some cereal (85).  So I'm guessing that 2 tsp of Robitussin can't be more than 100 calories.  I've had 245 calories today.  Probably have more Robitussin and cough drops and maybe cereal.  I would eat soup, but I don't have any.  I should be able to have less than 600 calories today with no problems.  I'm thinking a nap sounds good.  Might watch Coraline and Corpse Bride later.  If I'm awake long enough.  I work tomorrow.  Oh joy.  I really, really don't want to.

~Kes

Sickly

I'm sick.  I feel horrible.  I feel like it's 150 degrees in the house even though it's only 70.  I'm sweaty.  I'm not really hungry which is good.  But I'm sweaty.  My throat hurt.  My nose is stuffy.  I've been coughing.  I've been sneezing.  I have no energy.  I want to sleep.  Like all day and night for the next 3 days.  But I can't.  I don't work tomorrow, which is good.  But I work the day after that.  And I have some things to do tomorrow.  Tea and meds.  That's what my life will consist of for the next few days.  Maybe I'll be lucky and I will lose weight from this sickness.  I had 260 calories for breakfast.  Yogurt (80) and a protein bar (180).  Gum (5) for like the first hour of work.  After work I had milk (160), a donut (300?) and some mini peppermint patty things (220).  Took some pills and attempted to sleep.  Had some cereal (200) and more mini peppermint patties (220).  Now some tea (0).  A total of 1365.  I'm really hoping I over-estimated.  That's a shit load of calories.  I probably only burned off 200 while I worked.  Probably gonna watch a movie and go back to bed.  I'm thinking 500 calories tomorrow.  Being sick I can probably pull it of pretty easy.  Soup and tea and pills.  Maybe a bowl of cereal.  No exercise.  I definitely won't feel like it.  Friday at work will be bad.  I know I will still be sick.

~Kes

120

I now weigh 120.  I was really hoping for 119.  But at least it's still a loss.  Only one pound in two days.  I've had 200 calories so far today.  I had 1 cup of cereal with 3/4 cup of milk.  I used to think that I always put more than a cup of cereal in my bowl because I would pour it in the bowl and now measure it.  I was surprised how full the bowl was.  I used 3/4 cup of skim milk because I like milk and 1/2 cup seems like such a small amount to me.  And it made 200 calories that way.  The cereal was a Kashi GoLean kind with 13 grams of protein and 10 grams of fiber.  It had 140 calories in 1 cup and 3/4 cup of skim milk is 60 calories.  So I figured I'd eat 200 calories and see how long it will last me.  I would like to stay under 800 calories today.  I worked for 6 1/2 hours yesterday.  Hopefully burned a few hundred calories.  I would like to weigh 117 by Thursday, but I don't think that will happen.  I would have to lose like a pound a day.  I think I'm going to start a load of laundry and take the dog outside to potty and fill out some job applications.  I really hate my job.  I like the amount of exercise I get (sort of) but I hate the work.  I hate how I'm just off in a room and never see any one or talk to any one or anything.  And I'm always getting bitched at because I'm not good enough no matter how hard I try.  I wish I could just quit, but I can't until I find another job.  FML.  I just want the number on the scale to go down.  It must go down.  That's the most important thing.

Side note.  I just remembered what my mother said last night to me.  My arms are getting big.  BIG?! WTF?! Stupid job making my arms into the Hulk's.  I'm going to turn into a fucking monster.  I'm going to look like she-man with arms stronger than most guys.  I really really need to find another job.  I don't want muscular arms.  I want thin fragile looking arms.  UGH!  I have to lose like 3 inches off of my arms now.  UGH! FML. FML.FML.FML.FML.

~Kes

SO TIRED!

I  worked.  From 9 am until 5:30 pm.  I had one 10 minute break.  I'm exhausted.  Bed soon.  Like when I'm done tying this.  Breakfast was like 500 cals.  Had water and gum while I worked so like 15 cals.  And mashed potatoes and gravy, turkey, and a diet for dinner.  So like, I have no clue how many calories and I'm to a point where I just don't give a fuck.  I ate like half a brownie and some dry cereal and like 10 dark chocolate chips and like 10 pretzels like an hour ago.  Now I'm drinking some tea.  I have to work again tomorrow.  Tomorrow will also be hell.  I need a day off.  Monday, why aren't you here already?  I need a new job so fucking bad.  I've worked like 15 or 16 hours in the past two days.  It's kind of ridiculous.  I really hope I lose some weight from all the work I've been doing.  Last night I was taking a bath and I saw that I have stretch marks on my calves.  ON MY CALVES?!  Like WTF?  I've never been that fat.  Stomach I understand.  Boobs I understand.  Hips I understand.  Thighs I kind of understand.  Calves?  NO.  Like great.  I'm going to have to live the rest of my life showing like no skin because it's all to hideous to show.  My arms are scarred.  My thighs and calves have stretch marks.  My stomach and boobs and hips have stretch marks.  I have like no skin that I can show.  Ever.  FML.  I'm so fucking gross.  I don't know how any one could stand to look at me.  I'm miserable.  I need some major changes in my life soon.  Otherwise I don't know what will happen, but it probably won't be good.

~Kes

Energy...Or Lack There Of...

I am not capable of fasting.  Mainly because I don't 100% want to and I work.  I will in fact need energy tomorrow.  A LOT of energy.  I didn't have nearly enough today.  I was hungry most of the time i was working which was fine.  But then I started to shake some.  Which made everything really difficult.  I worked for almost 8 hours straight.  No break.  I probably burned off over 1000 calories.  At least according to the 7 or so websites I checked.  I found one that said 880-ish, one that was 1100-ish and 4 or so were 1400-ish and one said 2400-ish.  That last one was crazy.  No, I don't trust that number.  I'll go with the 1100 sites and round down to 1000.  I probably burned more cals than that.  I put 420 min in for the duration instead of the 460 min that I worked.  I broke my fast because of the amount of work I had to do.  I could have waited til tomorrow to eat.  My parents went out to eat and I stayed home.  I could have fasted the rest of the day.  I decided not to.  I didn't want to be drained of energy tomorrow.  I definitely don't want to pass out or black out at work tomorrow.  I need energy. Not caffeine energy, like actual energy.  I didn't eat until about 6 pm.  I ate a can of green beans.  The whole can.  It was 70 calories.  Technically 68.5 because it't a little less than 3.5 serving but I'm going the easy way and calling it 70.  And I've had gum.  I ate a small bowl of cereal and some pretzels and a brownie and a glass of milk.  A total of about 600.  Tomorrow will be the same at work so probably burn 1000 cals and work 7+ hours.  Complete shit.  I HATE my job.  I'm really fucking pissed.

~Kes

Why?

I was doing almost ok.  I had eaten 400 calories and it was like 2 pm.  And then I ate a brownie.  So add another 300 calories.  And then I decided it would be a good idea to get out of the house.  My sister's birthday is Sunday so I figured it would be a good time to go get her something and hang out with my boyfriend.  So that's what I did.  And while I was with him, I got hungry.  I wanted pizza.  So we got pizza.  I bought two.  One for me and one for him.  He eats a lot so I figured he would be able to eat a whole pizza by himself.  Which he did.  And he ate two pieces of mine.  But mine was thin crust and cut in those little squares, so he really didn't eat that much of mine.  And I finished my pizza.  So 1500 calories added on to the 700 so 2200 calories yesterday. WTF?!  WHY?!  Why couldn't I have stopped at half of the pizza like I usually do?  So since I ate enough calories for 3 or 4 days, I'm going to not eat until supper tonight, which I will be forced to eat with my parents.  I'm only allowing 85 calories of liquids.  So that's like one glass of milk and like 5 diets or maybe a little juice in water to give it flavor or something.  Hopefully I can get by with eating 250 cals or less for supper.  I would love it if I could get away with liquid fasting all day.  And I plan on doing the same thing tomorrow but upping the cals to 170 so I can have 2 cups of milk and 10 extra cals for like flavored water or something.  I should weigh myself to day and then again on Monday.  I probably won't be able to this weekend.  My parents will probably be around.  Sometimes I just hate myself.  I should have purged last night.  Stupid, stupid, stupid me!

So some good news.  I just weighed myself.  It's an analog scale (which I hate and when I move out I'm buying myself a digital scale) and the arrow thing was right next to the 120 mark.  So I'm like 120.5 or something.  I was floating somewhere between 122 and 123 for the longest time.  I weighed myself 2 days ago and that's where I was.  I was going to weigh myself yesterday but I never got the chance.  Someone was always around.  Maybe I can get down to 119 by Monday.  I hope the pizza doesn't make my weight go back to 122-123 because I was stuck there for like 3 weeks.  If I end up back there I'll probably be stuck there for even longer.  Ok so I have to get ready for work.  If the weather is nice after work (which I doubt) I might go for a very long walk afterwards.  There's hope yet.

~Kes