Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Ramblings of the Depressed Sort

So much for my good day.  I call D like 20 min before he would need to leave to come see me and he tells me he isn't coming.  Asshole.  I'm pissed off.  I'm depressed.  My mom is pissed at me now.  I hate him.  I really do.  He never does anything he says he will.  Or at least never does any of it on time.  I was wanted to spend most of the day outside.  Now I just want to go hide in a dark corner.  He was supposed to be here 2 hours ago.  I want to cut.  I sort of binged and then purged.  I ate 3 mini cupcakes and frosting and I drank a little Pepsi.  It wasn't all that great to purge but I probably got 90% of it up.  I still have about half the can of Pepsi left.  I'll probably just dump it down the sink later.  I really don't want to cook supper any more.  It was fine when D was coming.  But since he isn't I don't want to have to eat it.  I want to wake up a pound lighter even though I know I'll either have gained or weigh the same.  Dropping 3 pounds over night is hard to maintain.  Even harder to lose even more after that.  At least for me.  I should probably go for a really long walk or run until I can't any more but I doubt I will.  I need more people in my life that don't let me down.  Too bad all of my real friends are so far away.  All are either away at college or live 800 miles away.  I just wish I could have one whole day in which I'm happy.  I don't care if I eat that day or not or if I exercise or not.  I just want to be happy for 24 hours.  Enough of my depressed ramblings.


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