I just realized that if I get on antidepressants the doctor will weigh me every time I go.  Fuck.  That probably wouldn't be a good thing.  I don't know what they have down for my height but I wouldn't be able to end up underweight easily then because my weight will be monitored.  Fuck...  Maybe if work goes well and I make some friends there or something, I won't need them.  I hope not anyway...
My mother went to a town to do some shopping and I went with her.  We ate lunch out and my dad brought home donuts after he went to town earlier today.  So I've had a donut, cereal, 5 chicken nuggets, a baked potato with broccoli and cheese, milk, and tea with some wild berry syrup shit in it.  So I've had like 1100+ calories today.  And supper is going to be sweet corn and pork chops which will be another 600+ calories.  Today fucking sucks.  I really need to exercise.  I want to do cardio but I can't.  >:(  And my mother said something about probably going out to Applebee's tomorrow night for supper.  It's my aunt and uncle's anniversary so we will probably going with them and my grandma or something like that.  So I will be luck if I weigh in less than 114 Tuesday (if I weigh in on Tuesday).  I got to sort of weigh in earlier after I wrote my post.  My dad had gone to town and my mother was taking a shower so I grabbed the scale and weighed in real quick.  112.  Not too bad I guess.  Considering how many calories I have been eating and everything, I should be glad it wasn't more.  Although I do tend to try to round things up.  I'm getting hungry but it's not quite 4 pm yet.  I think I'll make some tea and take a QuickTrim or two and finish reading some blogs and watch Death Note.  I've commented some today.  Sometimes I just don't know what to say though...  So I say nothing because I don't want to end up saying the wrong thing.  I'm always afraid I'll say the wrong thing...

~Kes

I had been hoping that I would get a chance to weigh last night when I got home from work.  My parents were supposed to go out to eat and I didn't expect them to end up home until about 7.  They were home before me.  It pissed me off because not only did I not get a chance to weigh but I had to find something to eat for supper and there isn't anything.  K-Mart's air conditioning is broken and I was hot and did not want to eat anything hot. My mother kept trying to convince me to just eat ice cream for supper.  Uh, no...  I drank some milk.  I was pissed.  I still am because it caused me to sort of mini binge.  I never got full and around 10 my stomach was sort of growling.  I was very tempted to get up and go eat something but I didn't want to with my parents still up.  Work sucked because there was no a/c and I had nothing that I could do really.  I stood around for 4 hours just watching the service desk person.  I was going to go buy myself a Greek yogurt or something but I was hoping no one would be home and I could get away with not eat.  And I was tired from standing around all day.  It was so fucking boring.  AA called me last night and it was really awkward.  Then after like 5 minutes his phone died. I has happy.  I then proceeded to try to go to sleep because he called around 10 or 10:30 or something.  He texted me at 11-ish but I didn't hear/see my phone.  I might of been asleep.  Or my phone was acting like the p.o.s. it is...  Doesn't matter.  I texted AA this morning but I would guess he is asleep.  D really pissed me off yesterday because he keeps trying to make me do shit after he says he will.  I told him that I couldn't print off the papers for the divorce.  He called the court house and found out which ones we needed and the website to get them off of and everything.  And he expects me to somehow magically know which ones need printed and the website and everything and print them off.  With what?  The printer with no ink at my house?  I may have found the right papers.  If I did, I don't know how many need printed off but there are over 150 pages.  I don't know if they all need printed off or some of them or what.  And there is no way that a home printer would be able to print that many pages with NO INK.  I would probably need 3 ink cartridges to print that many papers.  I have no where that I can go to print off that many papers either.  He could go to the library.  My grandma pretty much lives there.  And it costs like 25 cents a page.  So I would need almost $40.  Which I am broke.  In debt to my parents about $200.  I don't think I can get $40 any time soon.  So I tell D that he has to and then he says ok and he will.  And he still hasn't and he still tried to get me to print them.  He can go to the library in Iowa and print them off.  He has a job and is working and everything.  He can print them off a lot easier than I can.  He can print them off at the library for like 10 cents a page.  And the library has a lot of printers and thing.  You have to have a library card thing to log on to the computers and I don't have a card and I don't know that I can get one being an IL resident.  Or I might have to pay.  I don't go to libraries anyway.  I doubt D will ever print off the papers or tell me which ones.  And then the $255 filing fee.  He would have to pay it but I doubt he will.  I mean I think he just wants to stay in the US and he doesn't give a fuck if I cheat or whatever.  He just wants to stay here.  And treat me like shit?  He has time now to find new wife because he has now and the 90 day waiting period and then the day the divorce papers are signed and the waiting period is over and everything he can just go get married and get on the paper work for his green card and shit.  He really pisses me off.  I sent J a different message.  I don't know if I said that or not.  And I'm not sure if he was being kinda bitchy when he messaged me back or what.  It can be hard to tell emotion with just text but I can't figure out if he was being bitchy/asshole-y or if he was being sincere and caring.  I messaged him back assuming the sincere and caring but I keep feeling like he was actually being bitchy/asshole-y.  I guess I'll figure it out if/when he messages me back.  So I hate the thought of weighing myself once a week.  When you go from 5+ days a week down to just one, it could create problems.  I like daily because I can catch it easier if my weight starts going up but I obsess a little too much over it.  I don't want to just cut down to one day all of the sudden because I don't need the mental breakdown when i step on the scale and I found out I gained 5 lbs.  I think I'll end up trying to restrict more and end up super unhealthy.  Especially if I gain one week.  I like to monitor my weight a little more closely.  Twice a week is reasonable I was thinking about 3 times for a while before I cut down to 2.  I mean I'm like freaking out thinking about how fat I will be when I finally get to weigh in.  I weighed in Friday and if I'm lucky I can weigh in on Tuesday but I doubt I will be that lucky.  I may have to weigh in after I eat too which will make things worse because I'll have some food in me and everything.  So Wednesday is my best chance for an accurate weigh in but then my sister might be here.  She comes once a week usually around Wednesday.  I hate this.  I want to know my weight so I can figure out what I need to do.  I don't know if I'm eating too much.  I think I am but it's hard with little food around the house.  It's mostly unhealthy stuff and I have to eat with my parents around.  And I should probably exercise more but I've been too tired and I don't know about my weight and people have been home so I can't make any noise so I'm limited on my exercises.  I need some pills.  Some really good pills.  I kinda want back on the lithium.  But I was taking Cymbalta with it and I definitely won't be able to afford that.  I can get insurance and I want insurance.  I think it would help if I was on antidepressants again.  But the lithium was the best that I was one but it probably end up being prescribed with another med and that one I need to be cheap.  Cymbablta was like $200.  At one point when I was on Medicaid I was on $31 worth of pills a day.  No way could I afford that without Medicaid.  The insurance I can get has 3 plans.  Two of the three have prescriptions with them.  One will cover $200 worth a year and the other will cover $500 worth.  But I would have to pay $15 for generic and $30 for name brand.  I'm ok with not having the prescription part as long as I know that my meds would be affordable.  Like $4 generic sort of affordable. So yeah... I gotta figure out which insurance plan I should do and get that set up soon.  Somehow I managed to write a lot about nothing.  My life is boring...  I'm hoping that I end up friends with some of the people at work.  There are a lot that are about my age.  There were 2 that I saw who were minors.  That's not a big deal though.  I just need people around my age to hang out with and make my life a little more interesting.  Give me something to do besides sit around at home bored.  Tuesday I'm supposed to get a longer work schedule.  I don't know how long it will be.  I don't know if it will be for the next week or two weeks or what.  I would like to know so I know whether I can go to a rave or not.  I think it was on the 12th.  I would like to go but I don't want to ask for the 12th off for something like that when I just got hired.  My mother has convinced me never to ask for time off within the first two weeks of working somewhere.  She made me cancel a doctor's appointment for antidepressants once because she believes that so strong but I believe that it depends on why you want the time off.  Doctor's appointment is ok, a wedding is ok, moving is ok.  Going to a rave is not ok, going shopping is not ok, going fishing/hunting is not ok.  The other two at orientation with me had asked for time off.  I think one had wanted something around the 5/6/7th off and the other girl wanted 14/15th off.  The 12th is a Friday.  If I work in the morning and am off by 1 I could probably go as long as Saturday I don't go into work until like 2 or 3.  Although I have no idea what anyone's plans had been for that so I don't know.  I would have to figure that out.  At one point people were talking about getting a hotel.  I think it's a stupid idea because I doubt anyone has a credit card to use and the rave would be over in the early/mid morning so we would spend about 3 hours in a hotel room unless they want to pay for 2 nights.  So yeah...I should see what plans are for that...  I'll quit rambling now...

~Kes

Can't weigh in today because my parents are home.  Can't weigh in Monday because my mom decided to take Monday off work.  Not sure what I'll do since I was wanting to weigh in on Monday and Friday only.  Might do Tuesday and Friday?  I work later today.  Kinda ok with that, kinda terrified.  My parents are going out to eat Mexican tonight and I'll be working so I obviously couldn't go even if I wanted to.  So I have to find my own supper.  I may not eat and say I ate somewhere in Iowa after work.  I have nothing that I want to talk about.  I've been reading blogs.  I don't feel like commenting though.  Maybe later.  Or tomorrow or something.  I may post a better post later if I end up in a better mood.  I'm kinda depressed?  Not sure that's the word but I guess it'll work.

~Kes

If anyone is bored/has a lot of time on their hands/ect, I wrote this to J but I don't know if I should send it to him or edit it so that it's shorter or anything.  I mean I don't know what to do.  I went through and edited names out (I have it saved elsewhere with names).  I just need someone to help me decide what to do.  You can even just go anon and yell at me for being stupid and writing this much in the first place or whatever.  Just please, someone help me figure out what to do.


Dear J,

I wish you could/would help me.  I don't want to be fucked up like this for the rest of my life.  I wish I could figure out how to get some sort of control.  I don't want to cut for the rest of my life.  I want to accept my weight.  I don't want to have thoughts of purging after I eat.  The flood of guilty feelings and the anxiety.  I don't want to be depressed.  About my weight.  About my scars.  About anything.  I want to have more control.  I think sometimes that I try to control my weight because it feels like the only thing I can control.  But I don't know.  I'm so afraid that everyone looks at me and thinks I'm fat.  I'm so afraid that everyone will talk about me behind my back.  Like they've done my whole life.  I guess I think that being skinny will make people accept me?  Or at least not talk shit about me behind my back.  I still have to deal with the high school drama even though we've been out of high school for 2 years.  There's too much drama in this area.  I want to move.  That's why I want to work.  I have a job.  I'm hoping to be able to move away in 18-24 months.  But I want to be stable enough to do that on my own.  AA said he would go with me but I don't know if he will or if I would actually want him to when I have the money and everything.  I don't want to move and be fucked up to the point where I end up emaciated because I don't eat because I don't have to.  I don't want to end up destroying myself.  I fight with myself all the time.  Should I eat this?  Is it healthy enough to eat?  Are the calories worth it?  Will I end up gaining weight if I eat it?  Should I exercise?  How much?  What kind?  Toning or cardio?  Should I purge?  Should I cut?  I can't deal with it.  I texted you that one time asking if I should cut or if I should wait until after midnight so I would have gone 2 full days without cutting.  I texted you because I knew AA was asleep.  I normally text AA.  I don't like bothering you will things like that.  It makes me feel needy and worthless.  AA has dealt with me texting him that sort of stuff for years.  I've known AA longer than you.  He knew my problems before you.  He used to help me but then I sort of lost contact with him.  I've only been talking to him again for about a month.  Maybe 2 months...  Either way, I hadn't talked to him in over a year before that.  There really is no point in me telling you that...  But I wish my life was as together as yours is.  Honestly, I am jealous.  You have a good life.  You're happy and you go out and have fun and you work and you like it.  You're fucking smart and you actually use your intelligence.  I failed my college classes because I didn't care.  I could be smart but I don't try.  I never had to try in high school.  I mean that psych class we took that summer was probably the hardest thing I did in high school.  Although econ was pretty hard...  But I never did have to try.  So I didn't.  I could have taken classes that were more challenging but then I would have had to go to school for another semester and I just wanted out of there.  CC and CH had convinced me that I should just get out of school and then I'll end up with a really good life and everything.  If I wouldn't have gotten pregnant, I might be in a better position.  But the morning sickness made work and school hard.  I rarely went to classes and everything.  Needless to say I never did check my grades.  I didn't want to.  I didn't have to pay for the classes so I didn't really care.  I wasted a scholarship for paid tuition.  I could have had an associates degree by now.  I could have done something with my life.  I wonder where I would have ended up if I never would have OD'ed in Colorado.  I always wonder if I would have made it to Oregon and then California.  If I would have come back to Illinois like S and DW were planning on or what.  I remember being happy in the psych ward place.  I can't think of what it's called.  It doesn't really matter.  I was happy though.  Not because of the meds but because I had friends (sort of) and I didn't have to worry about much of anything.  I want to be that happy and have a normal life and work and eventually go to school and everything.  If I have to live my life (which obviously I do, otherwise I would have been dead by now) I want to have it be a good life.  I work with a woman named F and if she is happy after all she's been through, why can't I be happy?  I mean, she had a tumor/cancer on her face and had to have the cancer removed and part of her cheek bone had to have all of her teeth removed because of it.  She had chemo or radiation therapy or something along those lines and because of it went from a size 1 to a size 20 and she's still happy.  She lost a lot of her memory for some reason (I don't remember why) and she's still happy.  She used to have a good life and now her life isn't that great but she's still happy.  She made it to round 2 of America's Got Talent for her singing before she got cancer.  Now she can't really sing but she's still happy.  I want to be happy.  I want to fix my life.  I'm sick of shitty relationships with guys because I'm so insecure and shit.  I want to be stable enough to have a good relationship when I am ready.  I don't want to end up with another guy like D.  He wants to forgive me for cheating on him.  Last time I saw him he kept trying to get me to have sex with him and he kept getting too touchy and I left because I wasn't comfortable at all.  It's seriously making me not want to be with a guy.  That's why I asked you how many guys were the good guys.  I wanted to know if there were enough to not give up on guys.  I know you are one of the good guys.  AA might be a good guy.  He's questionable.  I haven't figured out if he has his shit together now.  Can a guy on probation be a good guy?  Doesn't matter.  AA likes me and I know I really shouldn't get into a relationship with him.  He's sort of CC's brother.  Not technically I guess but sort of.  I like AA.  I think.  But I think I like you too.  But you probably knew that.  I wish I just didn't like anyone.  That would make things a lot simpler.  I know I'll never have another chance with you.  I wish we never would have dated so I wouldn't have fucked things up like I did.  I'm afraid to fuck up another relationship.  I don't want to cheat anymore.  I just want to have fun and fix my life and in like a year or two if I am ready, be in a good relationship.  But I don't know if I could make it a year.  I mean the longest I've gone between two relationships is 1 month.  Maybe 1 1/2 months.  At least I think.  I'm too afraid to get to know people and then I jump into relationships too quick.  I'm afraid that no one will accept my past and that.  When all of my current problems are in the past, I still don't know if I will ever be able to find someone who will accept them.  D accepted them and made them worse.  He was ok with me weighing whatever.  He doesn't care if I purge.  As long as I am alive, he doesn't care.  He will probably have to go back to Ghana if I die.  He doesn't care what I do as long as I am married to him.  I think that's why he was trying to forgive me for cheating.  I still just want a divorce.  $255 to file. Fuck this is long.  Sorry.  I'll stop there.  Before I end up more off track and stuff.

I've been reading but not really commenting so I can get caught up and everything.  I work tomorrow from 2-6 and then again on Tuesday from 9-1.  After that I don't know.  There's a girl who is about my age that got hired too and she was pretty cool.  She said she was 5'4 but I would guess she's actually 5'3 because she's shorter than me.  She said she used to weigh 105 and it didn't matter how much she ate, she couldn't gain.  But now she's up to like 115-120-ish.  She said she started gaining when she started drinking diet pop.  Not sure if that would be true.  She used to do a bunch of sports and things so that probably had a lot to do with her weight.  And there was a woman who was about 33 who got hired to and she was cool.  The woman had gotten to round 2 of America's Got Talent once but not sure if she didn't make it or if her cancer/tumor made her have to quit.  She used to sing but she had a tumor on her face and she had to have that removed and stuff she had to have all of her teeth taken out because of it.  It's kind of sad.  The radiation or whatever made her body gain a lot of weight after she was done with it.  She used to be a size 1 but now she's a size 20.  She's losing weight but it's slow.  
One pair of jeans I bought at Maurice's yesterday was actually a 0 but there's like no difference between the 1/2 and the 0.  I feel quite fat sitting here though.  I weighed 112 this morning.  I wish I knew what I weighed yesterday.  Next week I'm gonna try to weigh in on Monday and then not again until Friday but that's going to depend on my work schedule.  If I have to work in the morning I may not get a chance.  I'll weigh in on Thursday if that's the case I guess.  I have a lot of stuff to do.  It really sucks.  4 loads of laundry to wash and since the dryer sucks, it'll have to be dried in 6-8 loads and take about 12 hours to get it all done.  Fuck.  Gotta wash dishes.  Gotta get shoes.  Get gas.  Get another pair of pants for work if I can find some.  Busy day.  So much to do.  I'm gonna try to get away with only doing 3 loads today if I can.  If the dryer would fucking work right I would be able to do all 4 loads today with no problems.  But no.  I should go get a load started now....
Brights load of laundry started.  There aren't as many dishes as I thought there would be so I may not have to do them.  Annoy people call for donations.  They like to say Ms. Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (no my last name isn't that long but it does start with S which you probably already knew) and of course that leads to the question of which one are you wanting.  Me, my mom, my sister?  My aunt?  My grandma?  Pick one!  Do I want your thing for donations?  No.  I have no money!  I'm in debt to my parents.  About $200 in debt to them once I buy shoes.
AA got mad at me last night.  I said I wanted a hug and and asked him when I was going to get one.  He didn't know and I asked if it was going to be whenever I drove out to see him and he said he might come back here sometime.  I asked why and he said to see some people.  I said something about not thinking of that and it makes sense and I don't have friends so I guess that's why I wouldn't think of that.  He said he was my friend.  I said I don't have any and things are too complicated for me to want to consider anyone my friend.  AA doesn't know what all is going on.  With my family, D, J, him and my depression, eating, cutting, ect.  I don't want to have to give anything a label other than fucked up.  I like AA but I'm not sure if he still likes me.  I don't know how pissed he is.  I just know he is pissed.  He denies that he's pissed though.  He said he was upset.  Maybe he is just upset?  I don't know.  That's why I don't have friends.  I say things that piss them off or upset them or whatever.  Or they piss me off...  As the case was with N...  I have a lot of stuff I should say to AA but it does not fit in a text.  And that's about the only way to talk to AA.  Because me parents give me little privacy to talk on the phone.  My mother likes to randomly barge into my room without knocking or anything and start talking.  Even if I am on the phone.  She will try to listen to phone conversations and then ask me who I was talking to and a million other questions.  So yeah...  I have a lot I want to tell J too.  My other problem is wording.  I think something but I can't ever get they words typed.  Like it ends up fucked up somewhere along the way.  And then I have the anxiety of telling people things.  It's not so bad when you have never met the person.  I know I can tell AA and J pretty much anything (there are a few things guys obviously don't want you to tell them).  I just have a hard time telling people things.  I'm always so afraid that I'll say it wrong and piss them off or they won't understand or they'll think of me completely differently or judge me or whatever.  I like J and I really am not sure if he likes me and that's part of what keeps me from telling him things.  I think he might like me but I really don't know.  I've made jokes about becoming a lesbian because there are a lot of guys who are uh... assholes?  And J says not to give up on guys yet because of a few shitty guys.  J isn't a shitty guy.  He's amazing.  AA used to be but I haven't seen him in so long that I'm afraid it will be awkward to see him.  But it could be totally normal.  I've told AA that I was going to become a lesbian before and he said I could either be bi or I could be straight.  I am bi but I'm kinda more in the closet bi because people around here are very close-minded and my parents would kill me and everything.  So I pretend to be straight.  But when I move I'm dating whoever the fuck I want.  There's probably only 5 people that I know that know I'm bi.  But they're all guys.  Guys won't freak out about that.  If I would have told some of my friends who were girls (when I was friends with them anyway) they would have freaked out and not talked to me because they would assume I was hitting on them when I was just talking and shit.  That's what most of the people around here are like.  Or at least they were in high school.  There was like 1 bi girl and 2 gay guys in the school.  But the gay guys were only friends with girls and the bi girl (who's now a lesbian) didn't have a lot of friends but she had some.  She was friends with my sister.
Anyway, I think I'm none with my nonsense rambles.  They will only get worse if I keep typing....

~Kes

Welcome new followers.

I've been busy today.  Couldn't sleep worth a fuck last night.  Had to get up at 7:30 after only about 2 1/2 hours of sleep (fucking insomnia...).  Left for Iowa.  Did I mention K-Mart hired me?  I had to go to orientation today and so I went.  Had to be there at 9 am and it got done around 2:30.  Then I had to go find clothes for work.  And shoes.  Pain in the ass.  Target had some jeans on clearance.  So I bought a pair of size 5 boot cut jeans for $5.  I have to have black pants for work though.  Couldn't find anything for work at Target.  Wasted quite a bit of time there.  Went to the mall.  JCPenny's had some shirts.  $7 a piece.  I bought 2 size medium.  Pants were too expensive for my likings.  Went to Maurice's and messed around with some credit card shit.  I hadn't used mine for like ever and I didn't know if my card ever expired or anything since it doesn't say.  So got that taken care of.  Tried of about 10 pairs of pants ranging from sizes 5/6 to 1/2.  5/6 is way too big.  3/4 is too big.  1/2 is ok depending on the style.  I bought one pair of black pants for work.  $36 for a size 1/2.  Fuck...  I don't like spending that much on pants.  Ever.  10% off.  Still too expensive for my likings.  It's on a credit card though so I won't have to pay for it for like a month.  I bought two pairs of jeans too.  $10 a piece.  Not bad.  Size 1/2.  I hate how they do vanity sizes.  I wish I was a size 5.  I would rather be a size 5.  Because when the 1/2s no longer fit, I'll have to find another store.  I like the jeans at Maurice's.  Usually anyway.  Couldn't find shoes.  Gotta go find some tomorrow.  I work again on Saturday.  And again on Tuesday.  No clue after that.  So many fucking videos today.  Not even DVDs.  VHS videos.  Awesome...  My dad didn't have to work today so I didn't get a chance to weigh myself.  I sweated a ton on the way back home.  It was horrible.  Took a quick shower.  Gotta do a lot of laundry tomorrow.  And sleep.  And get shoes.  And get gas in the car.  D wanted to see me.  And so I went to see him and I was sweaty and gross and pissed at the time.  And he tried to get all touchy feely and shit.  Pissed me off.  Just get me a damn divorce already.  He was telling me he missed me and shit.  I don't miss him.  I don't want to be with him and he doesn't seem to understand.  He keeps asking me if I have a boyfriend too which is really getting on my nerves.  No I am NOT dating anyone.  I know I am too fucked up to have a normal functioning relationship and I see no need to drag someone through my hell again.  D has been pissing me off a lot lately...  I haven't talked to AA much because he's working a lot.  I don't talk to J much because it's just awkward for whatever reason.  So yeah... I'm tired.  I guess I'll see how many blogs I can read in an hour to and hour and a half...

~Kes