I am sleep deprived so if there's something that doesn't make sense, that would probably be why...

Tuesday night:
My dad's friend said I look a lot better now than I did about a year ago (which is when I met him).  I weighed 155 then.  I had a BMI of 26.19.  Overweight.  Not too much overweight, but still, it's overweight.  Now I weigh 111 and have a BMI of  18.76.  If I lose 2 lbs I am underweight.  It'll have been 1 year in September.  I've lost 44 lbs in a little less than a year.  I think I may try for an ever 50 lbs and go down to 105 but I'll see at 107.  My dad's friend said I look a lot better with my "natural" hair color.  My hair color currently isn't natural but it's a lot closer to natural than it used to be.  And apparently I looked better rested and just all around better.  I spend 10+ hrs trying to sleep.  That's how I'm better rested.  He used to make fun of my hair because of my shitty dye jobs.  Not my fault it grows out and fades out and shit.  Oh, well.  If I get a job and get the money I'm going back to red.  But I think I'll do the semi-permanent kind.  That way it'll be a lot easier to change it if I need/want to.  My dad's friend is entertaining though.  He's funny and such.  He's fairly old.
Food wise, I obviously ate more than I should have because the next morning the scale said 113.

Yesterday:
I don't know if I ever mentioned this or not but I had a voicemail saying to call to set up a second interview for K-Mart only this time with the store manager.  So I had to call yesterday to do that so I have an interview on Saturday.  I could have had it yesterday but I had to meet up with J and go to Champaign/Urbana area.  So I met up with J and J tells me we were just going to go straight to Champaign and stop to eat in Bloomington while birthday girl (going to call her LP) went a picked up a friend.  But plans changed to me and J have to go wander around a store for like 20 minutes.  LP was supposed to pick up a couple friends (going to call them LS and TW) on the way and had a few things to do so LP suggested me and J just go wander around a store.  J had to buy something anyway so he could get cash because all he had was a debit card.  So driving was kind weird.  I had J drive because he likes driving and I don't.  We were ahead of LP and crew and then we ended up behind them and then we caught up eventually.  Boring story.  We were trying to slow down and so we took a ramp off the interstate and the ramp back onto the interstate was under construction so we had to go all the way back to this other ramp and ended up like really far behind because LP wasn't texting us when she should have.  She was supposed to text up when she got on the interstate but she text us like 10 minutes after she was on the interstate so we ended up like really far behind.  J sped and caught up to them though.  It's was a fairly decent drive with J.  We talked a lot about random shit and laughed and it was fun.  When we got to Champaign and LP's friend's (gonna call her V) apartment we just kind of hung out and figured out what was going on.  So we all decide to go eat first.  I hadn't eaten since 1:30 pm-ish and it was like 6 pm them.  And I hadn't eaten until 1:30 so I only ate twice.  We went to FlatTop Grill.  It was pretty nice.  You make your own stir fry or whatever.  You get a bowl and pick out what you want and they stir fry it or they can make soup or lettuce wraps or a couple other things.  I got brown rice and loaded it with veggies.  Corn, green beans, tomato, edemame, carrots, broccoli, and I think a couple other veggies...  And you pick a sauce.  I used a little soy sauce and ginger water and garlic water.  You can pick meat to put in it if you want and you can add bread and things.  I just left mine with veggies.  It was pretty good.  I think I would skip the soy sauce or not use as much next time though.  It was fairly salty.  I had just enough food that I could finish it and be full but not so full that I couldn't drink or anything.  Like the perfect amount of food to keep alcohol down and everything.  And it seemed really healthy too.  So then we went back to V's apartment and talked and stuff.  V had a broken door handle and J looked at it and fixed it. LP went back there with them and LP asked J something.  At that point I couldn't tell if it was LP didn't want me there and was asking why I was there or what it was.  I also was wondering if it was about why J and I weren't being very talkative.  It was just an awkward situation for me because I just heard J's answer.  J told her about me getting drunk and sick Saturday night and how I was puking and everything.  So that just made me feel awkward and I seriously just wanted to leave and go home.  But I didn't want to make it obvious that I overheard them or anything (especially since I didn't know what LP asked J).  So I waited.  And just kinda chilled.  I've been around J too much if I'm saying chilled... Anyway, so a few people take some shots of Goldschlager (probably spelled that wrong but oh well... the alcohol with the gold flakes) and then some people went to get beer and more liquor and possibly cups and some guy (gonna call him B).  I text J and ask if he could get a ride back with LP tomorrow and that I was thinking about going home.  He said probably but he never really answered me.  Well, they come back with B and have tequila, Jack, beer and something else.  Don't remember what.  There was already two partial bottles of vodka and then Goldschlager and I think another partial bottle of something.  J tells me that he doesn't know if LP can give him a ride because he would kind of have to ask her and everything and I didn't want to force LP to give J a ride back so I stick around.  So J, LP, and B go outside and do the shotgun thing with the beer can.  The thing with the key.  And then they come in and want to play a game.  I wasn't sure if I should drink or not so I told LP to decide for me since it was her birthday and she said it was up to me and B just starts shouting "Get her drunk!  Get her drunk!"  So I take a shot of Goldschlager because everyone was going to have to before they started drinking.  So I take it and tell J to make me a drink since I don't trust myself to mix one.  I told him to make sure I didn't end up puking drunk again.  He said he would but her was already fairly buzzed because he already had a mixed drink and a couple shots and a beer.  So I take my drink and we play Never Have I Ever.  It can be fun and it can be quite strange... You take a drink if you have done what the card says.  Example of a fun one: A card would say, "Never Have I Ever... Been caught having sex in public."  If it has happened to you, you would take a drink.  Example of a fucked up one:  "Never Have I Ever... Had sex with a member of my family."  We all just kinda look around at each other like WTF?!  So I drink some and J decides to pour more juice into my drink.  Kinda pissed me off because I want my drink strong enough that I can taste the alcohol.  If I didn't want to taste the alcohol, I would just drink damn juice without alcohol.  J eventually pours more vodka in.  LP at some point got pissed at J and hit him.  And I was closer to J so I decided to hit him once since she missed.  J ended up accidentally smacking me in the eye so I hit him.  No, I'm not a violent drunk.  I was just slightly tipsy.  It was just fun.  I used to always smack this kid on the back as hard as I could (he would let me) but then he ran away and ended up living with his brother in Wisconsin.  Anyway, so J puts more vodka in and and LP tries to like feed it to me.  Like holds it and tries to get me to drink but drinking while a drunk person is holding your cup doesn't work out so well.  So I get drink spilled on my pants.  The game kinda slowly quits because people were drunk and kinda started forgetting about it.  At one point J spilled my drink.  At some point I have a shot of tequila because I had never had it before.  J seemed to think I needed a chaser but my mixed drink was good enough.  I like the alcohol burn.  I'm 99% good without a chaser.  And LP was really drunk and we tried changing her shoes because she insisted on wearing heels even though she was drunk she still insisted.  So we leave to a bar.  Two people helping LP and  me and another girl (I'll call her A) help J to the bar.  Some people showed up randomly while we were at the apartment so they went with us to the bar.  So we go along.  J was really drunk and couldn't walk so I made him stop and he kept being annoying.  He would just start running to try to meet up with LP and the rest of them because we ended up quite a ways behind when I made J stop.  So we get caught up.  I was holding J's wrist and he ended up holding my hand most of the way to the bar.  He held A's hand a little but not as much. At the bar I had a little bit of a hard time getting in.  LP said that they would let me in since I was 19.  I showed my ID and the guy looks it over and after he looks at if for quite a few seconds I tell him that I'm watching J because he's too drunk and the guy hands my ID over to another dude to let him decide and I tell him the same thing.  It was pretty obvious to me that I couldn't get completely fucked up this time because J was too fucked up and I doubt there would be enough people to take care up all of the fucked up people.  So I get my ID handed off to a third guy and I tell him the same thing and he says whatever and that if J gets kicked out, I get kicked out.  I tell J that and tell him not to do anything stupid because he was already starting to act pretty stupid.  J pissed me off so I have B buy me a drink of whatever you can get with a $5 and he asks if rum works and I say that would be fine.  I gave him the money and he gives me a shot and a half and the remaining $2.  Apparently the shot and a half costs $2 and he tipped the bartender $1.  I expected just a drink and for him to pocket the rest.  So I take my shot and J pisses me off because he is being asshole-ish drunk.  I go talk to B because I feel like shit and I just would rather talk to guys because I tend to get along with them better.  All of the others are girls and they are all drinking, celebrating, ect.  And I ended up pissed and leave.  I go sit where ever it was and cry.  J comes out and talks to me for a minute but he's being a dick. He goes back to the bar.  Random people talk to me and ask if I'm ok and whatnot.  I say yeah and most just go away.  Two people found me/started talking to me at about the same time and they tell me to just go across the street and sit on a bench (I was just on the sidewalk or something).  I do that and the guy stays and talks to me.  He didn't want me out by myself.  He makes some jokes and talks to me and everything and he says he can take me to this one place down the road and I'd be safe there and could sleep or whatever or we could go find my friends and let them know or whatever.  So we go back to the bar and find them.  I ignore J and spend time with TW and LS mainly.  I take them to meet the guy so he knows I'm safe and found my friends and whatnot.  I give him a hug and he leaves.  We go back and somehow everyone is like gone so I go outside thinking they left (somehow I ended up away from LS and TW) and I see this other girl that had shown up at the apartment sitting out there with the guy from the bench and J.  I'm stuck watching after J and he's talking about how he wanted to have sex with me like right there and shit.  And then he realizes he needs to pee so he goes and finds a bathroom with the help of some random dude and then I see J start to walk back and the I turn back and then turn to see how far away J was and then he wasn't in sight anymore.  So I tell the bench guy and the girl that I'm going to go see how J is.  J is on the sidewalk puking.  Fucking awesome right?  So I let him puke and tell him that I'm going to go tell the bench guy and the girl that I'm going to be staying over there with J so they know they don't need to wait for me or anything.  I go back to J and he's still puking.  A couple people ask if he's ok and if we needed a cab or anything (to make sure we weren't driving) and I tell them we are walking and it's just down the road.  Lie.  I didn't remember because there were like 2 or 3 turns but I don't remember where.  A cop stops and talks to us and after a few questions and me telling him we are going to walk back to the close by apartment when he gets to feeling better and that I'm watching and the cop says walking would be good for J and goes away.  We walk for a ways I keep telling J that we can have sex when we get back to the apartment (I know he's too drunk for that - I don't want puked on for one thing) and it gets him moving several times but slowly he just doesn't give a damn.  At some point we run into LS and TW.  They said LP and the rest who are staying at the apartment are already there.  I told them I didn't know how to get to the apartment and they say they know the way.  So we walk and cut across the university campus.  J kept saying he was going to get sick and to slow down and hold on and we would.  And then J would just fall to the ground.  It was like hell to get him up.  The thought of sex wasn't working at all so we threaten to drag him along and we tell him he won't enjoy it because none of us are strong.  J only weighs 150 lbs but when none of us are strong, 50 lbs a piece is a lot to drag.  Once J fell onto the ground and when we were going to make him get up he starts making a snow angel.  We laugh and ask him what he is doing and he tells us he's making a snow angel and we tell him there's no snow.  He then called it a grass angel.  And he did stand up to look at it.  Not like he could really see anything but he said it was pretty or something.  He was proud of it and we all laughed at him.  Eventually we got to the other side of campus and LS called and had A come get me and J and she drove us to the apartment (yes she was sober).  She brought bags for J to puke in and when we get back to the apartment A and I help J get to the apartment and we lay him on the couch.  And J starts puking and doesn't want to puke in the bags.  V was getting mad because J wouldn't puke in the sack and apparently she's like OCD about how things are and I say I'm going to take J to my dad's car and make him sleep in the back seat.  So I drag him out there and he pukes.  Not in the sacks either.  In the car.  On the floor mainly.  And I make him get out and he sleeps on the grass.  J and I fight off and on because he keeps passing out and puking and he clearly wasn't ok.  He got pissed at me (probably because I wasn't leaving him alone and would hit him to see if he would respond to make sure he was ok) and he went running down the road shouting "Arrest me!  Arrest me!" and go back to the apartment and grab my stuff.  Not sure why really.  I just did.  I was pissed too.  I think I wanted my phone actually.  I get my phone and call J so I can find him.  J being helpful and drunk and an ass, tells me his surroundings.  There's grass and dirt (just like everywhere) and there's a street light nearby (there's one like every 50 feet) and there's a tree (which there are in fact multiple trees).  But that tree had a branch.  A really big branch.  Awesome.  I can totally find you know... Not...  So I walk and I find him because he only made it about a block, block and a half.  So he crashes there for like a couple hours.  And then when it starts getting lighter-ish and people are out (riding bikes, running, driving, ect) I make him go back to the car and he goes to sleep in the back seat.  He didn't want to go to the car though.  He made it and slept for like 2 hours.  I managed to get about an hour of sleep.  I was really pissed off and started looking for something to cut with and I couldn't find anything.  J sort of woke up once and he said he would give me a razor blade.  He said he had one but he wouldn't stay awake long enough to give it to me.  So I eventually mange to sleep for about an hour after I tried finding a piece of plastic to break (failed) and tried breaking a pop can (failed) and tried a paper clip (failed).  So I sleep and wake up and J kinda goes in and out of it for a while.  Then he gets up, gets his stuff out of the apartment, sort of cleans up his puke in the backseat, and we head out at 8:30 am.  J sleeps in the car for about an hour and wakes up just in time to pump gas and we continue on.  J stays awake from here on out.  He ends up giving me some razor blades in exchange for my sunglasses.  Yes, odd trade.  But it works.  I think with these razors I could quit cutting.  I cut with one and I only made 2 cuts and normally it would have been 10+ cuts.  Mainly because it just felt kind of wrong.  I know J doesn't want me to cut.  And the razors are ones he gave me so it just feels weird to cut with them.  J wants me to quit.  I asked J if he still liked me while he was drunk and I was buzzed and he said yes.  I want to ask a sober J though.  I'm questioning texting him and asking him if he likes me but that would be kind of weird but I think he does.  I don't know what to do.  I'm to tired to figure anything out.  I left some stuff out on purpose just in case someone happens to find this from the Champaign area.  Most of the people there were from up by Chicago and they would ask where my area is at.  I tell them X miles/minutes away from Iowa.  And they are like Wow...  It was weird.  I had to drive on the way back because J was still drunk.  I would have just left J there and went home except I didn't know how to get home and there's no way I would have been able to afford it.  J put $15 worth of gas in on the way back and some on the way there.  When I got back to town to drop J off I had to get gas again.  I had $14 so that's what went in.  Yeah... I'm tired.  Supper time, shower and bed probably around 8.

I wore the skinny jeans and pink eye shadow.  I looked ok but not all that great but LS and TW aren't very good looking to I was just kind of average.  A was fairly skinny.  A and I were the skinniest two.  J brought up my ED around A in a round about way.  He just said that I think I'm fat or overweight or what the hell ever.  I don't remember when that was though.  Jumbled mess, I know.  I may tell more some other time.  I just am tired and no clue if any of them would be in the blogging world over here.  I doubt it but I know J doesn't blog and won't try to find this and most of the time taking care of J was mainly me and him.  I sort of owed him from Saturday but now he owes me...

The good news is I was back to 111 this morning.  Well, it was 11:30-ish when I got home that I weighed myself.  I ate a small bowl of cereal earlier and now I'm going to have 3 slices of pizza (small, cheese thin crust left over from Pizza Hut) and some fries.  Hopefully nothing else today.  Do I have to do thinspo?  I'm not going to.  Maybe later.  This post is long enough.  Separate post maybe?  We'll see.

~Kes