Sunday, July 17, 2011

I had my first hangover.  It decided to do a delayed reaction.  I probably could have avoided it if I would have ate something when I woke up.  Instead I waited and tried to sleep when I got home.  And after about 2 to 2 1/2 hours of attempted sleep, I decided to get up and I felt like shit.  Headache and tired (lack of sleep played a big roll) and I kinda had heartburn.  So I ate.  A piece of toast with margarine and an egg, over easy.  I didn't eat it all because I never eat the crust on bread (I just never have and don't see the point in starting to eat the crust now it'll save me calories if I don't eat it) and I don't eat all of the yolk.  It's not as bad as I think it is.  If I would have ate everything it would have totaled about 200 calories.  So I'm going to call it 200.  The egg and toast did make me feel a little better.  Anyway, hangover means I read blogs but really didn't want to comment.  I think I commented once or twice.  Very short comment(s).

My drink of choice last night was vodka.  Not really surprising.  Straight for like 2-3 shots worth and then no clue how much vodka mixed with some cherry limeade (J got it for me).  It was kinda cool I guess.  Me, J and J's friend.  I didn't start drinking right away.  They tried to get me to drink a mango Bacardi but I knew it would have way too many calories.  I looked it up earlier today and there's 236 calories in 700ml and it'll take like 4 or 5 to get me drunk.  4 or 5 shots of vodka will do the same thing for fewer calories.  I wasn't sure about saying anything about my weight in front of J friend but J brought her into it.  J had asked for a picture so he could see how fat I was and I sent him a picture.  That was like 2 months or more ago.  He still had it on his phone.  She said I wasn't fat.  She's like walking thinspo though.  She's the type that can eat anything and not gain weight.  Super jealous.  Anyway, J still refuses to believe that I have ever been overweight.  He never saw me when I was. So there was short argument about that but it was fine.  I just said I'm not fat now or something along those lines and that was the end of it.  Later some guy showed up but I was already drunk by then.  Had fun up until I got sick.  And then my bulimic mind thought I should try to make myself puke more.  I managed to purge with my fingers.  I don't know if I tried using a pen to purge or not.  J kept checking on me and I kept insisting I was fine and for him to go and have fun or whatever and not to worry about me.  He kept saying he'll come check on me later, which he did every time.  Then I was going to try to sleep in my car.  J came and talked to me and said that I could sleep in his dad's car if I wanted in the back seat.  He said there would be more room and I'd be more comfortable.  My liquid courage made me word vomit.  I said something to J about hoping I could at least have a kiss.  A probably sounded desperate and stupid or something.  J said if I came to his dad's car I would get a kiss.  So I say give me a minute.  I have vomit breath so I grabbed a piece of gum and put my phone in my purse (it had been in my pocket) and go to his dad's car.  We cuddle up in the back seat and ended up doing a lot more than kissing.  I doubt anyone wants details.  It was amazing is all I will say.  We went to sleep in his dad's car and I woke up around 8 and J sort of dozed on and off from 8 until 8:30.  We had more sex and we got dressed.  J kissed me before I left and hugged me.  I'm going to miss him like crazy when he goes back to California.  I want to see him at least once more before he leaves but I doubt I will.  I like J and I think he likes me.  I want to be back with him but I know that it wouldn't work.  At least not now.  J seemed to think I was skinny enough that I could be considered underweight.  I'm probably about 5 pounds away yet.  I may change my goal to be like 105 or something.  This line of thinking will last about 2 days and I'll be back to thinking I need to weigh 90 most likely.  Although I have no chance to ever have a good relationship with J (or anyone else for that matter) unless I get my problems straightened out.  My weight issues, cutting (it's not nearly as bad as it used to be), my depression and anxiety, ect, ect, ect all need to be fixed.  So once I get a job, I'll work on myself and a divorce and everything so I can hopefully be happy.  I may start thinking about doing MMA after I get divorced and everything.  

I was too afraid to weigh myself this morning.  I could have.  I had the chance, but I think I would rather wait until Monday or maybe Tuesday.  Yesterday was a calorie disaster so I need time to counteract it.  So far I've been doing pretty good today food wise.  I haven't exercised.  Hungover exercising didn't sound like a good idea.  I'll maybe try some exercising tonight.

I've still got to get everything together so I can fill out job apps Monday.  But I'm thinking, I'll wake up at like 7 am and read blogs for 1 1/2 hours or so and then about 8:30 (technically when my dad leave which should be about 8:30) I'll exercise for 30-60 minuted depending on intensity and how I feel and everything and then do 5 (or more) job apps.  So if I start at 9:30 and each one takes 45 minutes, I would be done about 1:15.  Which would give me plenty of time to read blogs and do laundry and dishes and what not.  Although I may do some of that stuff while filling out job apps or in between filling them out.  Hopefully everything will work out and go smoothly and what not.

I think that is all of my ramblings for today.  My dad's friend was wanting to go out to eat either tonight or tomorrow and my mom was thinking tomorrow.  Depending on where they go, I may or may not go.  So thinspo.


1 comment:

  1. great to read you apparently had a nice time with J :)
    still, wish you good luck with the job apps and everything <3