Friday, July 8, 2011

Begin rant.

D is a fucking dumbass.  He's lived in fucking Iowa for more than 7 fucking months.  He's lived in Iowa longer than I've fucking known him.  Yet when he moved to Iowa, he never changed his fucking driver's licence over to Iowa.  I don't know if he would be considered a resident of Iowa now.  Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.  I thought I had it figured out.  But now I'm fucking pissed and confused.  I can't file for a divorce in Illinois because it woulf have to be an at fault divorce and I have no grounds (that I can come up with) and that means he would have to file for divorce against me.  I'm ok with cheating on him so that he can and will divorce me.  I wouldn't even have to actually cheat, I would just have to tell him I did or somehow get him to think I did and then I'd just go along with it.  But I don't have the time and money to deal with a separation first.  Otherwise I would.  That would make everything take 6 months longer so it would take over 1 year to get divorced.  And I was hoping to be moving in about 1 year.  Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.  I just want to fucking kill myself.  I feel like fucking shit.  I hate myself.  I hate D.  I hate all of this.  I don't know what to fucking do.  I just really need someone to talk to but I have no one.  So I'm stuck ranting.  I don't want to have to deal with this anymore.  I hate it.  I know D won't actually file for divorce.  He'll just say he's going to look into it or something stupid.  And it's just going to get all fucked up.  I need to cut.  I hate this.  Why am I so fucking stupid?  Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.

End rant.

Logically thinking - If D "moves" (as in changes his address and everything) to a county nearby in IL, he could file for divorce there since from what I've read he would have to file in the county he lives in.  Although he might be able to file in the county I live in...  Not something I would want to do though because I want to keep my family from finding about any of it...  I think I'm going to enlist the help of J.  I don't think D would want to stay with me if I cheat on him.  Mich, I may ask you for help at some point if you don't mind.  Although I may end up not needing help.  I am pretty good at finding what I need on the internet, but sometimes it's too over-whelming.

My parents are going out to eat with my dad's friend.  They are eating Mexican.  And my family (parents, grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins) is going out to eat Mexican tomorrow too.  I'm not going though.  I don't like Mexican that much and I can't ever find anything that sounds good.  My food always ends up screwed up.  I say no lettuce and I end up with lettuce.  Always stupid things like that.  I may or may not post tomorrow.  Not sure.  I'm busy in the afternoon.  And I probably won't get to weigh myself before I have to ingest food.  I doubt anything exciting will happen.  Probably go for a walk/run while my parents are gone or do some sort of cardio then.  Shower.  Wash dishes.  Maybe do another load of laundry.  My mother will probably leave around 5.  Maybe sooner.  Not sure when her bank closes, but she's gotta go to the bank so I'm hoping for about 2 hours to do everything.  I'm think I'll eat some pasta for supper.  I've had SlimFast powder mixed with vanilla chai tea (220 - I had 2 scoops of powder mixed with 2 cups of tea) and blondies (I'm guessing 400?) and pasta would be less than 230.  That would make an intake of 850.  Not too bad.  I'm hoping I over estimated the blondies, but I have no clue.  I haven't finished the SlimFast tea mix.  It doesn't taste all that good.  I mixed it with coffee yesterday.  Also not that good.  Maybe a little less coffee next time?  I'm thinking I need to do as many high knees, butt kicks and jumping jacks as possible.  Maybe some other cardio too.  I need to do a lot of exercising.  I'm hoping I can kick ass exercising tonight and this weekend.



  1. oh hun :( please don't kill yourself. i would miss you :( i'm so sorry you feel so down, that seems like a dreadful situation...hang in there <3

  2. Wow! Don't kill yourself! You're one of my favorite blogs to read :) I'd miss you ubers!

  3. :( I'm so sorry. That whole situation sounds overwhelming. I'm impressed with how well you did with your intake-it's so difficult to do well under stress! Press on.