Friday, July 29, 2011

I've been reading but not really commenting so I can get caught up and everything.  I work tomorrow from 2-6 and then again on Tuesday from 9-1.  After that I don't know.  There's a girl who is about my age that got hired too and she was pretty cool.  She said she was 5'4 but I would guess she's actually 5'3 because she's shorter than me.  She said she used to weigh 105 and it didn't matter how much she ate, she couldn't gain.  But now she's up to like 115-120-ish.  She said she started gaining when she started drinking diet pop.  Not sure if that would be true.  She used to do a bunch of sports and things so that probably had a lot to do with her weight.  And there was a woman who was about 33 who got hired to and she was cool.  The woman had gotten to round 2 of America's Got Talent once but not sure if she didn't make it or if her cancer/tumor made her have to quit.  She used to sing but she had a tumor on her face and she had to have that removed and stuff she had to have all of her teeth taken out because of it.  It's kind of sad.  The radiation or whatever made her body gain a lot of weight after she was done with it.  She used to be a size 1 but now she's a size 20.  She's losing weight but it's slow.  
One pair of jeans I bought at Maurice's yesterday was actually a 0 but there's like no difference between the 1/2 and the 0.  I feel quite fat sitting here though.  I weighed 112 this morning.  I wish I knew what I weighed yesterday.  Next week I'm gonna try to weigh in on Monday and then not again until Friday but that's going to depend on my work schedule.  If I have to work in the morning I may not get a chance.  I'll weigh in on Thursday if that's the case I guess.  I have a lot of stuff to do.  It really sucks.  4 loads of laundry to wash and since the dryer sucks, it'll have to be dried in 6-8 loads and take about 12 hours to get it all done.  Fuck.  Gotta wash dishes.  Gotta get shoes.  Get gas.  Get another pair of pants for work if I can find some.  Busy day.  So much to do.  I'm gonna try to get away with only doing 3 loads today if I can.  If the dryer would fucking work right I would be able to do all 4 loads today with no problems.  But no.  I should go get a load started now....
Brights load of laundry started.  There aren't as many dishes as I thought there would be so I may not have to do them.  Annoy people call for donations.  They like to say Ms. Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (no my last name isn't that long but it does start with S which you probably already knew) and of course that leads to the question of which one are you wanting.  Me, my mom, my sister?  My aunt?  My grandma?  Pick one!  Do I want your thing for donations?  No.  I have no money!  I'm in debt to my parents.  About $200 in debt to them once I buy shoes.
AA got mad at me last night.  I said I wanted a hug and and asked him when I was going to get one.  He didn't know and I asked if it was going to be whenever I drove out to see him and he said he might come back here sometime.  I asked why and he said to see some people.  I said something about not thinking of that and it makes sense and I don't have friends so I guess that's why I wouldn't think of that.  He said he was my friend.  I said I don't have any and things are too complicated for me to want to consider anyone my friend.  AA doesn't know what all is going on.  With my family, D, J, him and my depression, eating, cutting, ect.  I don't want to have to give anything a label other than fucked up.  I like AA but I'm not sure if he still likes me.  I don't know how pissed he is.  I just know he is pissed.  He denies that he's pissed though.  He said he was upset.  Maybe he is just upset?  I don't know.  That's why I don't have friends.  I say things that piss them off or upset them or whatever.  Or they piss me off...  As the case was with N...  I have a lot of stuff I should say to AA but it does not fit in a text.  And that's about the only way to talk to AA.  Because me parents give me little privacy to talk on the phone.  My mother likes to randomly barge into my room without knocking or anything and start talking.  Even if I am on the phone.  She will try to listen to phone conversations and then ask me who I was talking to and a million other questions.  So yeah...  I have a lot I want to tell J too.  My other problem is wording.  I think something but I can't ever get they words typed.  Like it ends up fucked up somewhere along the way.  And then I have the anxiety of telling people things.  It's not so bad when you have never met the person.  I know I can tell AA and J pretty much anything (there are a few things guys obviously don't want you to tell them).  I just have a hard time telling people things.  I'm always so afraid that I'll say it wrong and piss them off or they won't understand or they'll think of me completely differently or judge me or whatever.  I like J and I really am not sure if he likes me and that's part of what keeps me from telling him things.  I think he might like me but I really don't know.  I've made jokes about becoming a lesbian because there are a lot of guys who are uh... assholes?  And J says not to give up on guys yet because of a few shitty guys.  J isn't a shitty guy.  He's amazing.  AA used to be but I haven't seen him in so long that I'm afraid it will be awkward to see him.  But it could be totally normal.  I've told AA that I was going to become a lesbian before and he said I could either be bi or I could be straight.  I am bi but I'm kinda more in the closet bi because people around here are very close-minded and my parents would kill me and everything.  So I pretend to be straight.  But when I move I'm dating whoever the fuck I want.  There's probably only 5 people that I know that know I'm bi.  But they're all guys.  Guys won't freak out about that.  If I would have told some of my friends who were girls (when I was friends with them anyway) they would have freaked out and not talked to me because they would assume I was hitting on them when I was just talking and shit.  That's what most of the people around here are like.  Or at least they were in high school.  There was like 1 bi girl and 2 gay guys in the school.  But the gay guys were only friends with girls and the bi girl (who's now a lesbian) didn't have a lot of friends but she had some.  She was friends with my sister.
Anyway, I think I'm none with my nonsense rambles.  They will only get worse if I keep typing....



  1. it's nice that you have AA to talk to. But I know what you mean about being lonely. Maybe try and become friends with some of the girls at work? I hope things start looking up for you soon


  2. hope it's going to get better with AA, J seems like a really nice guy :D

    be strong and goodluck :)

  3. Diet soda can definitely make you gain weight. At the very least it will slow you down in losing weight. Regular soda, in moderation, is better for you because it is sweetened naturally, while diet sodas use aspartame. Our bodies do not have an enzyme to break down aspartame, so that should be enough discouragement in itself. If not, then consider that aspartame tricks the body into thinking it's consumed fewer calories than it has that day, so it goes into fat storage mode. It also increases the urge to snack on junk food for basically the same reason. I'm actually really surprised by how few people seem to know this. I think soda companies should be required to be more open about things like this. People think they're getting something healthy when they buy diet, but that is often far from the case.