Friday, July 29, 2011

If anyone is bored/has a lot of time on their hands/ect, I wrote this to J but I don't know if I should send it to him or edit it so that it's shorter or anything.  I mean I don't know what to do.  I went through and edited names out (I have it saved elsewhere with names).  I just need someone to help me decide what to do.  You can even just go anon and yell at me for being stupid and writing this much in the first place or whatever.  Just please, someone help me figure out what to do.

Dear J,

I wish you could/would help me.  I don't want to be fucked up like this for the rest of my life.  I wish I could figure out how to get some sort of control.  I don't want to cut for the rest of my life.  I want to accept my weight.  I don't want to have thoughts of purging after I eat.  The flood of guilty feelings and the anxiety.  I don't want to be depressed.  About my weight.  About my scars.  About anything.  I want to have more control.  I think sometimes that I try to control my weight because it feels like the only thing I can control.  But I don't know.  I'm so afraid that everyone looks at me and thinks I'm fat.  I'm so afraid that everyone will talk about me behind my back.  Like they've done my whole life.  I guess I think that being skinny will make people accept me?  Or at least not talk shit about me behind my back.  I still have to deal with the high school drama even though we've been out of high school for 2 years.  There's too much drama in this area.  I want to move.  That's why I want to work.  I have a job.  I'm hoping to be able to move away in 18-24 months.  But I want to be stable enough to do that on my own.  AA said he would go with me but I don't know if he will or if I would actually want him to when I have the money and everything.  I don't want to move and be fucked up to the point where I end up emaciated because I don't eat because I don't have to.  I don't want to end up destroying myself.  I fight with myself all the time.  Should I eat this?  Is it healthy enough to eat?  Are the calories worth it?  Will I end up gaining weight if I eat it?  Should I exercise?  How much?  What kind?  Toning or cardio?  Should I purge?  Should I cut?  I can't deal with it.  I texted you that one time asking if I should cut or if I should wait until after midnight so I would have gone 2 full days without cutting.  I texted you because I knew AA was asleep.  I normally text AA.  I don't like bothering you will things like that.  It makes me feel needy and worthless.  AA has dealt with me texting him that sort of stuff for years.  I've known AA longer than you.  He knew my problems before you.  He used to help me but then I sort of lost contact with him.  I've only been talking to him again for about a month.  Maybe 2 months...  Either way, I hadn't talked to him in over a year before that.  There really is no point in me telling you that...  But I wish my life was as together as yours is.  Honestly, I am jealous.  You have a good life.  You're happy and you go out and have fun and you work and you like it.  You're fucking smart and you actually use your intelligence.  I failed my college classes because I didn't care.  I could be smart but I don't try.  I never had to try in high school.  I mean that psych class we took that summer was probably the hardest thing I did in high school.  Although econ was pretty hard...  But I never did have to try.  So I didn't.  I could have taken classes that were more challenging but then I would have had to go to school for another semester and I just wanted out of there.  CC and CH had convinced me that I should just get out of school and then I'll end up with a really good life and everything.  If I wouldn't have gotten pregnant, I might be in a better position.  But the morning sickness made work and school hard.  I rarely went to classes and everything.  Needless to say I never did check my grades.  I didn't want to.  I didn't have to pay for the classes so I didn't really care.  I wasted a scholarship for paid tuition.  I could have had an associates degree by now.  I could have done something with my life.  I wonder where I would have ended up if I never would have OD'ed in Colorado.  I always wonder if I would have made it to Oregon and then California.  If I would have come back to Illinois like S and DW were planning on or what.  I remember being happy in the psych ward place.  I can't think of what it's called.  It doesn't really matter.  I was happy though.  Not because of the meds but because I had friends (sort of) and I didn't have to worry about much of anything.  I want to be that happy and have a normal life and work and eventually go to school and everything.  If I have to live my life (which obviously I do, otherwise I would have been dead by now) I want to have it be a good life.  I work with a woman named F and if she is happy after all she's been through, why can't I be happy?  I mean, she had a tumor/cancer on her face and had to have the cancer removed and part of her cheek bone had to have all of her teeth removed because of it.  She had chemo or radiation therapy or something along those lines and because of it went from a size 1 to a size 20 and she's still happy.  She lost a lot of her memory for some reason (I don't remember why) and she's still happy.  She used to have a good life and now her life isn't that great but she's still happy.  She made it to round 2 of America's Got Talent for her singing before she got cancer.  Now she can't really sing but she's still happy.  I want to be happy.  I want to fix my life.  I'm sick of shitty relationships with guys because I'm so insecure and shit.  I want to be stable enough to have a good relationship when I am ready.  I don't want to end up with another guy like D.  He wants to forgive me for cheating on him.  Last time I saw him he kept trying to get me to have sex with him and he kept getting too touchy and I left because I wasn't comfortable at all.  It's seriously making me not want to be with a guy.  That's why I asked you how many guys were the good guys.  I wanted to know if there were enough to not give up on guys.  I know you are one of the good guys.  AA might be a good guy.  He's questionable.  I haven't figured out if he has his shit together now.  Can a guy on probation be a good guy?  Doesn't matter.  AA likes me and I know I really shouldn't get into a relationship with him.  He's sort of CC's brother.  Not technically I guess but sort of.  I like AA.  I think.  But I think I like you too.  But you probably knew that.  I wish I just didn't like anyone.  That would make things a lot simpler.  I know I'll never have another chance with you.  I wish we never would have dated so I wouldn't have fucked things up like I did.  I'm afraid to fuck up another relationship.  I don't want to cheat anymore.  I just want to have fun and fix my life and in like a year or two if I am ready, be in a good relationship.  But I don't know if I could make it a year.  I mean the longest I've gone between two relationships is 1 month.  Maybe 1 1/2 months.  At least I think.  I'm too afraid to get to know people and then I jump into relationships too quick.  I'm afraid that no one will accept my past and that.  When all of my current problems are in the past, I still don't know if I will ever be able to find someone who will accept them.  D accepted them and made them worse.  He was ok with me weighing whatever.  He doesn't care if I purge.  As long as I am alive, he doesn't care.  He will probably have to go back to Ghana if I die.  He doesn't care what I do as long as I am married to him.  I think that's why he was trying to forgive me for cheating.  I still just want a divorce.  $255 to file. Fuck this is long.  Sorry.  I'll stop there.  Before I end up more off track and stuff.


  1. i'm sure J won't judge you or anything,

    but if you're not sure about sending him this or not sending him, i think you need some times to think about it,
    cause i don't want you to regret that you send it

    have a good day :)

  2. I think you should wait at least a day before you send it. If, after the waiting period, you still want to send it then you should. Just be sure that's what you really want, because you can't take it back once it's done. I think your honesty is refreshing and I encourage it, but I don't know you or him well enough to be a good judge.

  3. I think the letter is good, but I agree, you should be positive you want to send it before you do. You cannot take it back.