Sunday, July 31, 2011

I had been hoping that I would get a chance to weigh last night when I got home from work.  My parents were supposed to go out to eat and I didn't expect them to end up home until about 7.  They were home before me.  It pissed me off because not only did I not get a chance to weigh but I had to find something to eat for supper and there isn't anything.  K-Mart's air conditioning is broken and I was hot and did not want to eat anything hot. My mother kept trying to convince me to just eat ice cream for supper.  Uh, no...  I drank some milk.  I was pissed.  I still am because it caused me to sort of mini binge.  I never got full and around 10 my stomach was sort of growling.  I was very tempted to get up and go eat something but I didn't want to with my parents still up.  Work sucked because there was no a/c and I had nothing that I could do really.  I stood around for 4 hours just watching the service desk person.  I was going to go buy myself a Greek yogurt or something but I was hoping no one would be home and I could get away with not eat.  And I was tired from standing around all day.  It was so fucking boring.  AA called me last night and it was really awkward.  Then after like 5 minutes his phone died. I has happy.  I then proceeded to try to go to sleep because he called around 10 or 10:30 or something.  He texted me at 11-ish but I didn't hear/see my phone.  I might of been asleep.  Or my phone was acting like the p.o.s. it is...  Doesn't matter.  I texted AA this morning but I would guess he is asleep.  D really pissed me off yesterday because he keeps trying to make me do shit after he says he will.  I told him that I couldn't print off the papers for the divorce.  He called the court house and found out which ones we needed and the website to get them off of and everything.  And he expects me to somehow magically know which ones need printed and the website and everything and print them off.  With what?  The printer with no ink at my house?  I may have found the right papers.  If I did, I don't know how many need printed off but there are over 150 pages.  I don't know if they all need printed off or some of them or what.  And there is no way that a home printer would be able to print that many pages with NO INK.  I would probably need 3 ink cartridges to print that many papers.  I have no where that I can go to print off that many papers either.  He could go to the library.  My grandma pretty much lives there.  And it costs like 25 cents a page.  So I would need almost $40.  Which I am broke.  In debt to my parents about $200.  I don't think I can get $40 any time soon.  So I tell D that he has to and then he says ok and he will.  And he still hasn't and he still tried to get me to print them.  He can go to the library in Iowa and print them off.  He has a job and is working and everything.  He can print them off a lot easier than I can.  He can print them off at the library for like 10 cents a page.  And the library has a lot of printers and thing.  You have to have a library card thing to log on to the computers and I don't have a card and I don't know that I can get one being an IL resident.  Or I might have to pay.  I don't go to libraries anyway.  I doubt D will ever print off the papers or tell me which ones.  And then the $255 filing fee.  He would have to pay it but I doubt he will.  I mean I think he just wants to stay in the US and he doesn't give a fuck if I cheat or whatever.  He just wants to stay here.  And treat me like shit?  He has time now to find new wife because he has now and the 90 day waiting period and then the day the divorce papers are signed and the waiting period is over and everything he can just go get married and get on the paper work for his green card and shit.  He really pisses me off.  I sent J a different message.  I don't know if I said that or not.  And I'm not sure if he was being kinda bitchy when he messaged me back or what.  It can be hard to tell emotion with just text but I can't figure out if he was being bitchy/asshole-y or if he was being sincere and caring.  I messaged him back assuming the sincere and caring but I keep feeling like he was actually being bitchy/asshole-y.  I guess I'll figure it out if/when he messages me back.  So I hate the thought of weighing myself once a week.  When you go from 5+ days a week down to just one, it could create problems.  I like daily because I can catch it easier if my weight starts going up but I obsess a little too much over it.  I don't want to just cut down to one day all of the sudden because I don't need the mental breakdown when i step on the scale and I found out I gained 5 lbs.  I think I'll end up trying to restrict more and end up super unhealthy.  Especially if I gain one week.  I like to monitor my weight a little more closely.  Twice a week is reasonable I was thinking about 3 times for a while before I cut down to 2.  I mean I'm like freaking out thinking about how fat I will be when I finally get to weigh in.  I weighed in Friday and if I'm lucky I can weigh in on Tuesday but I doubt I will be that lucky.  I may have to weigh in after I eat too which will make things worse because I'll have some food in me and everything.  So Wednesday is my best chance for an accurate weigh in but then my sister might be here.  She comes once a week usually around Wednesday.  I hate this.  I want to know my weight so I can figure out what I need to do.  I don't know if I'm eating too much.  I think I am but it's hard with little food around the house.  It's mostly unhealthy stuff and I have to eat with my parents around.  And I should probably exercise more but I've been too tired and I don't know about my weight and people have been home so I can't make any noise so I'm limited on my exercises.  I need some pills.  Some really good pills.  I kinda want back on the lithium.  But I was taking Cymbalta with it and I definitely won't be able to afford that.  I can get insurance and I want insurance.  I think it would help if I was on antidepressants again.  But the lithium was the best that I was one but it probably end up being prescribed with another med and that one I need to be cheap.  Cymbablta was like $200.  At one point when I was on Medicaid I was on $31 worth of pills a day.  No way could I afford that without Medicaid.  The insurance I can get has 3 plans.  Two of the three have prescriptions with them.  One will cover $200 worth a year and the other will cover $500 worth.  But I would have to pay $15 for generic and $30 for name brand.  I'm ok with not having the prescription part as long as I know that my meds would be affordable.  Like $4 generic sort of affordable. So yeah... I gotta figure out which insurance plan I should do and get that set up soon.  Somehow I managed to write a lot about nothing.  My life is boring...  I'm hoping that I end up friends with some of the people at work.  There are a lot that are about my age.  There were 2 that I saw who were minors.  That's not a big deal though.  I just need people around my age to hang out with and make my life a little more interesting.  Give me something to do besides sit around at home bored.  Tuesday I'm supposed to get a longer work schedule.  I don't know how long it will be.  I don't know if it will be for the next week or two weeks or what.  I would like to know so I know whether I can go to a rave or not.  I think it was on the 12th.  I would like to go but I don't want to ask for the 12th off for something like that when I just got hired.  My mother has convinced me never to ask for time off within the first two weeks of working somewhere.  She made me cancel a doctor's appointment for antidepressants once because she believes that so strong but I believe that it depends on why you want the time off.  Doctor's appointment is ok, a wedding is ok, moving is ok.  Going to a rave is not ok, going shopping is not ok, going fishing/hunting is not ok.  The other two at orientation with me had asked for time off.  I think one had wanted something around the 5/6/7th off and the other girl wanted 14/15th off.  The 12th is a Friday.  If I work in the morning and am off by 1 I could probably go as long as Saturday I don't go into work until like 2 or 3.  Although I have no idea what anyone's plans had been for that so I don't know.  I would have to figure that out.  At one point people were talking about getting a hotel.  I think it's a stupid idea because I doubt anyone has a credit card to use and the rave would be over in the early/mid morning so we would spend about 3 hours in a hotel room unless they want to pay for 2 nights.  So yeah...I should see what plans are for that...  I'll quit rambling now...


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