My new blog is Fighting For 105.

~Kes

So i am starting a new blog with aa under a new profile since its the two of us doing it. Its diet and exercise related and mma training related. Ill post a link when we start it and i cant link on my phone anyway. And i think im gonna start a new personal blog with the same profile. I just feel i need a new start. Im not going to delete this one though. Ill post a link to it too when i make it and am on a computer.
~Kes

I think I might start over blogging.  Like make a new one.  Quit using this one.  I've just not been using this one as much as I would like and I would like a new one.  One more towards my goal of a featherweight (105.1-115 lbs) MMA fighter although I would prefer bantamweight (95.1ish-105 lbs).  I don't know the low weight for bantam.  I just know 105.  Because 103 would be lovely for me.  I'm gonna think about it.  I'll post a link if I make a new one and follow back those who follow that blog.

~Kes

So ive been busy with cleaning mainly. And filling out job apps. Been away from the computer and not been on my phone really. I finally have my room like 98% clean. Which means i have room to work out in my room now. Basically in working on getting shit done. Find a job and lose some weight and get in shape. I want to be an mma fighter. Ill hopefully be back to blogging soon and making another blog with aa. And im pretty sure aa bought an engagement ring. Im nervous. I know hes been looking and stuff. I love him and he supports me in pretty much everything i do. Ive shown him my blog and hes ok with it. Ive shown him tumblr and thinspo and and he tells me either its too skinny or i can look like that. He is the most amazing guy ever. I love him. Anyway imma go and hopefully be back to blogging in a day or two. I send my love to all you lovies.
~Kes

AA has managed to make me go from super happy to super depressed.  So I'm off to go hide under my rock and cry about the fact that I put a shit ton of work into something just to have to undo 95% of it because AA wouldn't help me create a good stopping spot.  I wanted help but he left so my parents made me undo most of my work.  I worked on my room for like 6 hours and instead of having like 2 hours of work left I have like 5.  So much for that.  Rant done.  Off to cry as AA pisses me off some more.

~Kes

I weighed in today.  119 lbs.  Finally back under the 120's. Now to keep going lower.

~Kes

Well my good news is, I think I am on the right medications - no thanks to the psych ward that refused to admit me when I clearly needed it >:( .  But anyway, short post because I need to go to bed.  I've been kicking some ass at the gym lately.  Weighing in tomorrow since Monday clearly didn't work out.  Monday before that I don't think worked out either...  Anyway, got a lot of stuff I want to do tomorrow so I'm gonna try to kick some ass and get it done.  Or at least as much as possible.  A super long post is most likely in the future.  But a quick question - I was thinking about making a separate health/fitness related blog and having AA help with it.  Good idea?  Bad idea?  Would you check it out if I did so?  I was thinking like exercise routines (with and without equipment), videos on how to do some exercises, healthy recipes, and diet related stuff.  I would still use this blog.  AA had looked at some of it and he is ok with it.  He even is going to let me post a picture of him on here.  I'll probably do that tomorrow.  He looks kinda goofy in the picture because he was laughing but he looked pissed off otherwise.  Anyway, I should go to bed.  Night all.

~Kes

So i wanted to go to the psych ward because i couldnt handle my anger outbursts. I was hitting myself (couldnt get ahold of a razor bc of aa) and my meds were not working at all and i was suicidal. Like really suicidal. My plans to go to the psych ward that night got fucked up so i had to go the next morning. And there were a lot of issues going on with that. I decided i didnt want to. Aa and i fought a lot. He had to prety much drag me to the hospital. We went through all the bullshit with taking my temperature and blood pressure and all that bullshitty stuff. Then we sit and wait. And wait. Then we go to a room and get told we need to go to the other hospital with the same name. So we go. Go through the same bullshit. Get put in a room. Go pee in a cup. Get the third degree from some psych evaluator who treated me like i was 5 and insisted everything was all my fault. Ive said that all along. They say they wont admit me. So we leave. And aa and i fight. We get to the car and fight. He drives. Insists i need to go back in and get admitted. We fight. I get out and start walking. He follows. We fight. I hit myself and things. Like the metal pole holding up a sign. You dont wanna see the bruises on my hands. We fight more. It just so happened at a stop light there was an ambulance going back to the fire department from another call. Aa waved them over. One guy talked to aa and the other talked to me. Back to the hospital. Waiting forever and then a psych eval again from the same bitch. She blamed me and aa for me being the way i am. Blame my fucking parents. Theyre the ones who made me this way. Aa is trying to fix me. He makes ke do things i dont want to do bc he knows its good for me or will help me. Anyway. I get offered the choice of being admitted or not. The place sounded like hell. Aa thought he could handle taking me home. So if my hand was broken i would go to the psych ward. If not i would go home. Reasoning - if i broke my hand my emotional issues are clearly bad enough that i need help but if my hand wasnt broken then aa should be able to handle me. My hand wasnt broken. I should have had the other hand xrayed instead though. It hurts worse and looks worse. Went to the doctor yesterday and got on some different meds. So far so good. Better anxiety meds and a better mood stabalizer. Hopefully itll work well. The mood stabalizer causes drowsiness and knocked me out like most of yesterday. Doctor said it should subside within a week. Ive been more alert today. Ive burned approximately 1257 calories and ive consumed about 1010 calories. Ive eaten a little less because aa ate a few bites of my toast. He takes big bites too. I suppose thats it for now. Im tired. I think im gonna go sleep in the parking lot where aa works until he gets off. Im planning on being home tomorrow through sunday morning so hopefully ill catch up on some blogs (as long as the internet works).
~kes

I'm going to go check into a psych ward tonight so I'll be gone for a while longer.

~Kes

So ive been at aas.  Aa has a job and has been training every morning this week. And he doesnt have a car but i do so my car is getting him to work. Ive been working out at the y some. I got fired from my job because of something really stupid.  My anxiety has been really high. Like all of my mental/emotional problems have been bad enough that i probably need a psych ward. Nothing looks like its getting better. I wanted to b/p one night and aa could understand that its an emotional thing for me. He kept telling me to eat a little of this and that and stop. He said it was because im starving myself. No. I would be craving one thing then and i would be ok with either a little or a healthier version. Like chocolate? If it was from being deprived fruit with a little melted chocolate or chocolate syrup would work. In a b/p situation it wont. Aa knows i have a blog but he doesnt quit understand what one is or why someone would have one. The picture? He said i could post it. Apparently he thought i meant facebook. No... But he said i could post another picture of him. I just gotta take one first. Hes also letting me eat once today. Normally he would make me eat twice. Because im supposed to take lithium twice a day. But i want on new pills. Its been kind of obvious that they arent working. So aa isnt making me take them so i can eat once today. I tried for nothing but he said a protien bar would be ok. Thats less than 200 calories so i guess it works. Im gonna go turn in some job apps and things later then hopefully go to the y to burn off those calories and then some. Anyway. I need to go feed animals and stuff. Hopefully i can catch up on some blogs tonight and tomorrow.
~Kes

Too much shit going on to talk about.  Internet keeps shitting out anyway.  I'm gonna be busy/gone for a week or so.  Just so you know.  Then I should be back and things should be better.

~Kes

aa sleeping... on his face...

So yesterday was horrible. Lets not talk about it... Not today anyway. Im doing an email post thing from my phone anyway. Im layingin the camper by aa. Hes sleeping. Ive been awake and mostly hyper since 3 am and its now about 640 am. Aa and i are going to go to the y and workout. I said i wanted to burn at least 500 cal before we left and aa said ok. He also said i can weigh 105 lbs and that he would help me get there. I may have or may not have said this but aa got a job. He has orientation tomorrow and trains next week all week and works 3 days a week after that. 12 hr shifts $13.05/hr. Its second shift. So hopefully with aas help my weight will get back on track. The y has a lot of classes i want to try. Calorie counting hasnt been working out too well but im thinking if i exercise enough i wont have to. Im bored out of my mind and blogger doesnt let me scroll so im limited on reading blogs. Aa talks in his sleep some. It can be funny. Apparently everything in my sister's cart was going to come to 17-something. And apparently she was buying new palmers? Aa said they were trees? My sister isnt the plant type really. I found it amusing at the time. Im so bored.... Theres also really shitty service out here. Im hungry too. Ive been hungry. In my opinion i did really good with serving sizes yesterday. Im trying to wait til 730 am to eat. Im not sure how much to eat. Ive got apples, kiwi, and yogurt. Maybe ill eat one of each and try to burn those off + 500? I dont know yet. We will see after aa wakes up. Or i wake him up which is more likely. I supposed ill end my ramblings. Ive been wanting to weigh in but i ate before i thought about it yesterday and aa doesnt think theres a scale here. Good thing because im not supposed to weigh in til monday. Anyway. Im going home later hopefully ill catch up on some blog reading.
~Kes

Starting today, I'm calorie counting as much as possible, taking diet pills, and exercising at least a little everyday.  Tomorrow I'm going to have AA show me exercises.  AA is ok with me losing weight as long as I eat twice a day and I'm somewhat healthy about it.  He doesn't know how many calories I need a day or how many a person should even eat, so his version of healthy might equal 750 calories.  I haven't quite figured it out yet.  I do know that he can't read the nutrition label to figure out calories in a container or anything.  But he likes sports and working out so he will be a good workout buddy.  And he will make sure I stick to it.  He is ok with me taking diet pills but I can't take as many as the bottle says.  Like my MetaboLife is 2 pills 3 times a day.  I can take 2 pills 2 times a day.  And Dexatrim is 2 pills 2 times a day.  He says I can take 1 pill 2 times a day.  I'm not sure if I should post what I eat on here or calorie counts or anything.  Comment and let me know what you think?  I'm thinking I'm going to weigh in once a week on Mondays and measure every 2 weeks or 4 weeks.  Not sure which yet....  It'll probably be every 2 because it'll be easier to keep track of.  Anyway, my weight and measurements from today:

Weight - 125 lbs

Measurements:

Upper arms - 11 inches

Forearms - 9 inches

Bust - 34.5 inches

Ribs (below bust) - 29 inches

Waist - 29.5 inches (I hope I'm just bloated - my waist should be smaller than my ribs...)

Hips - 34.5 inches

Butt - 36 inches

Thighs - 21 inches

Calves - 14 inches

Hopefully I'll have some good changes soon.  And AA and I will probably get a membership to the Y soon with a little help from my sister.  It's $39/mo for household (discounted for 15 months) with a $25 activation fee.  But with it being mid month we would have to pay for the rest of this month (discounted rate) and next month and it comes to like $75 total.  I don't want to pay that so my sister might pay $20 or $25 and she would get to go.  I told her after that I would pay every month and she could go for free. Ok my sister said she would do that.  Super happy.  :)  So I guess that's about it...  Thinspo!

~Kes

Kitty - I'm taking an antidepressant and lithium.  Lithium is supposed to help with bipolar but it kind of depends on how bad the bipolar is.

So Wednesday night I kind of blacked out as AA calls it.  I don't remember much after I left my parents house.  I remember about 1/2 the drive to Iowa and nothing else.  AA said we went and got gas and went to his mom's house.  He said I got irritated in the car and that I started to hit myself and that he had to hold me down at his mom's house.  I don't remember but he wouldn't lie to me.  He said he held me down for an hour before I calmed down enough to go to sleep.  All I know is my hand is bruised.  He said it was from me hitting myself.  It's not the first time I've not remembered doing something.  E's dad said I hit him one time.  I don't remember hitting him.  It was back when I was pregnant with E and we weren't having any problems.  He didn't have any reason to lie to me.

I showed AA pictures of thinspo and told him that I wanted to be that thin.  He said he was ok with most of them (there was like 1 or 2 out of like 15 that he wasn't ok with) and he said he would try to help me lose weight.  He said he isn't ok with me starving myself and that I have to eat twice a day.  Well, I'm supposed to take pills twice a day and they require food or milk (they make me puke if I don't) so I have to anyway.  So when I want the donut in the morning, AA is going to tell me I don't need it.  And AA is supposed to help me exercise and stuff.

I'm going to be home (without AA) after work tomorrow and I'll be home like all of Sunday and like all (or most) of Monday so I'll be catching up on most blogs.  E's supposed to be over too.  I haven't seen her since Christmas Eve.  Anyway, I'm gonna go shower and probably go to bed.

~Kes

AA is not taking his uncle's murder well.  He's sad.  And angry.  He broke down and cried again tonight.  I'm trying to hold him together but I can't.  I'm having enough trouble with my own emotions right now.  I was cleaning my room some and I found a folder from my first psych ward stay.  It had my discharge papers and they had my diagnosis.  I never read them before and the doctors at the psych ward never told me my diagnosis.  It had two.  One was other bipolar.  I've wondered in the past if I was bipolar or not.  I almost don't want to be.  But it makes sense.  Especially with how I've been.  Reckless.  Easily irritated.  Happy.  Angry.  Wanting to get high.  Wanting to cut.  Things like that.  It's not working out well.  I don't know what else to say.

~Kes

I'm going to spend as much time exercising tomorrow as I can.  Then I work 8:30-3 on Tuesday.  Then maybe work out some?  I'm sick of feeling fat and disgusting.  I need to get shit together.  I'm about to leave and get my hair cut (horrible split ends - and my hair needs re-dyed and I want it cut before I do that).  Then I'll clean my room some and then read blogs for at least an hour later.  And I will comment on every blog I read.  I promise.  I'll read the people who comment on mine first.  Anyway.  I gotta get ready to go so I can get shit done.

~Kes

Work has been bad.  Everything has been bad actually.  AA's uncle was murdered.  I've just kind of been at a loss as to what to do or say lately.

~Kes

I've had some computer trouble.  My antivirus was causing the internet to not work like at all and it was annoying to fix.  So I uninstalled that program and switched to another and things work just fine now.  I've been having issues with my kidneys still.  The Cipro I was on has given me tendinitis which sucks because I really shouldn't take pain killers because of my kidneys.  So I have a decent amount of pain.  I went to a doctor on Friday because Thursday night my tendinitis made it so I couldn't really walk.  And I couldn't walk too well all day Friday.  I was given an antibiotic but it's not really good at treating kidney infections but there really isn't anything I can take.  I quit the Cipro because it was causing bad side effects and it was pretty much the only thing left that could work.  That's why I wasn't taking anything.  Because I'm allergic to everything else that would work well.  So now I'm taking something that probably won't work.  The doctor wanted to run a couple tests to see what kind of infection I have (like what bacteria it is) so I can get put on a medicine that would actual fix the kidney infection because certain medicines work better for certain bacteria.  As for my weight, I probably won't get to weigh in until next week.  My parents are having the bathroom dry walled (finally) so the dry wall person/people (it's a small bathroom so it might just be one person coming or it might be more - I have no clue) so I won't be able to weigh in private unless I can somehow get the scale to my room and back to where ever it will be without anyone noticing.  I weighed 129.5 with shoes and a coat at the doctor after I had eaten like twice that day.  Anyway, I gotta go.  Hopefully I'll have time to read later or something.

~Kes

Im blogging from my phone again because the batteries in my computer keyboard died so im charging the batteries. I need to buy more. I use rechargable ones. Anyway, i wieghed 123.5-ish this morning. Not too bad considering how much time ive spent with aa. He had an interview monday and if his background check comes back without a felony hes hired. He should find out friday so after work tomorrow hes coming to stay in the town i live in. He wasnt convicted of a felony when he was arrested in like 2009. Its a deferred felony so if he successfully completes probation it wont be a felony. His probation officer said that is should come back saying he was arrestes but it shouldnt say hes a felon. Hopefully he will get the job. He would make $14.10/hr. If he does get the job then he might pay for us both to have a gym membership or something because aa keeps talking about how he needs to work out more. He used to have 6 pack abs. If he does get the job ill hopefully be able to get back into blogging more. Ive been spending a lot of time with aa letting him use my car and driving around with him while he gets job apps and stuff. Id read blogs from my phone but it usually wont let me scroll so unless it all fits on the screen i cant read it all. And i still have a kidney infection. Im not taking anything for it really. The doctor told me to see how things go without medicine since there wasnt anything else i can take. Its getting better though. I think. Or im just getting used to it and it isnt bothering me as much. Im thinking monday ill start taking diet pills again. I havent been because i dont want to make my kidneys worse. I dont know if diet pills would or not. Pain killers do so ive been avoiding them since im not taking an antibiotic for my kidneys. I think im gonna try to clean my room some and get in a little exercise too. I need to shower and do laundry too. Once all thats done if i have time ill read and comment on as many blogs as i can before 4pm. I need to leave at 4 to go get more bc before they close (ive been out for 2 days but the cirpo i was taking made it so it wouldnt be effective for a week anyway) and then im gonna go to aas. Spend the night there and go home after work taking aa with me. So yeah... Guess ill get to doing the shit i gotta get done.
~Kes

Ive been at aas since wednesday so i havent been online. I dont know my weight or anything. Just thought id post so you know im still around.
~Kes

I weighed 124 yesterday.  When I got up today it was a little later than I would have liked so I didn't get to weigh before eating/drinking.  I had to eat and take my pills before 8 am.  Cipro is tricky.  Can't have this, that, and the other 6 hours before taking it or 2 hours after.  And since I'm allergic/sensitive to almost every antibiotic I've had, I don't want to mess this up.  Although I keep waiting for the hives/rash to start because I'm probably allergic to this one too.  But these are my morning pills.  Lithium, cranberry pills, Ibuprofen, and Benedryl.

And these are all the pills and medicines I have in my purse.  And yes, that is a children's medicine.

My 2 am and 2 pm pill, Ciprofloxacin.

And my night pills (blurry picture).  Cranberry pills, lithium, Cymbalta, Ibuprofen, Benedryl, Prednisone, birth control.

I feel like a druggie with all these pills.  I HATE taking all these pills all the time.  I guess I needed it to get rid of my urge to take pills.  But even taking all these pills, I don't feel much better.  I have some side effects from the Cipro and it sucks.  I want to work out.  Like real exercise.  Like running or dancing or something but I don't have the strength.  I guess I'll have to settle for whatever I can do while sitting or laying.  Abs and legs and love handle areas mainly.  That's what needs the most work.  Proof:

I think I'll look good when I'm 110 or so and more toned.  It's an XS but I want to fit into it this summer and I will.  I can lose 15 or so lbs by summer.  I'd like to lose more than that though.  But with Cirpo's can't haves for so much of the day, I have 8 hours where I don't have to worry.  And I happen to sleep through 3 1/2 or more of those.  And I'm hardly ever hungry anyway.  A small cheeseburger and a handful of fries was too much for me to eat last night for supper.  So I'm hoping I can get down to 119 or lower by the time I'm done with it.  That's just 5 more pounds.  Hopefully when I get to 110 or so, my stomach will look good enough that maybe I can get my hips pierced.  I think that if I lose weight and tone up and use a good lotion and exfoliate that my stretchmarks might either go away or be faded enough that I would get my hips pierced.  I mean you can see my stretchmarks in the picture but they aren't as bad as they used to be.  I think they could fade a lot more.

I started this post a little after 8 am and it's almost 3 pm.  O_o  Guess I'll shut up and post this.  Hopefully I'll get around to reading blogs soon.  But I'm not liking the side effects of my Cipro...

~Kes

I'm finally down to 125 lbs again.  I was 132 with shoes and coat at the doctor on Tuesday so I was probably 130 without shoes and coat.  I've lost about 5 lbs in 5 days.  I can't drink 8 oz of water without feeling full.  I think I need to go to the doctor again...

~Kes

Well, I went with AA to a doctor on Tuesday to get me on antidepressants.  I'm on Cymbalta and lithium again.  Or at least for now.  It's a matter of affording the Cymbalta.  So far so good though.  Worked last time really well.  Right now it's trying to find the right dosage.  So then I had AA come back to Illinois with me.  Then I took him back Wednesday.  AA wanted me to stay the night Wednesday.  I wasn't sure I wanted to but it was decided by AA and my mom that I should stay at AA's Wednesday and Thursday because it was supposed to snow and be windy (and it snowed and was windy) and driving to work might be a little more difficult from my house and roads might be slick/icy/snow covered.  And so I went to work yesterday (AA drove me in my car) and I wasn't feeling too good.  I was kinda thinking maybe my kidney infection or UTI wasn't completely cleared up even thought I finished the Macrobid.  But I was only on Macrobid for 5 days so it might not have been enough.  So at work I felt sick and weak.  Then I ended up puking and leaving work after like 1 1/2 hours.  Went to the doctor and my kidney infection is worse than it was before.  I went from slight/just barely have one to moderate.  And I still have a UTI and my throat still hurts.  So I got a different prescription for the UTI.  But later yesterday I took a nap and woke up and had the starting of hives.  I had an allergic reaction to the Macrobid.  I'm back to Prednisone.  Waiting for the allergic reaction to clear up before starting the new medicine for the UTI.  I've been super tires, sore, worn out.  And I puked again last night.  I haven't puked today.  I'm hoping my allergic reaction goes away soon and that I can get my UTI and kidney infection cleared up and fix my throat and feel normal.  I've been taking so many pills and such that I feel like an addict.  Birth control, Prednisone, lithium, Cymbalta, Benadryl, children's cold & sore throat medicine.  I haven't been hungry and I can't eat much at once, which is good in a way, bad in another.  Bad because I can't drink much and it makes it more likely that I'll get an upset stomach/puke when I take pills.  Good because my weight changed by 2 lbs in 2 days at the doctor's office (132.4 with shoes and coat the first time and 130.2 with shoes and coat the second time).  I don't really have anything else to say except I'm tired and I won't be blogging much until this UTI/kidney infection is taken care of.  It just drains me sooo much.  Hope everyone is doing well.

~Kes

Leigha - I bought cranberry pills.  I didn't know they existed until a nurse at work told me about them.

Anavida - a UTI is a urinary tract infection (it can cause peeing to hurt/burn and pee to smell strong/bad and blood in pee and it can get all the way up to the kidneys and mine has and then kidneys hurt and it can cause fever and nausea and a lot of problems) and it can be caused by bacteria, having too much sex, not peeing often enough (most likely what caused mine), and sometimes using a new soap/shampoo/bubble bath/ect. can cause it.

I refuse to talk about D and all of his bullshit.  I'm still depressed and no, I won't be getting any less depressed anytime soon.  I've been depressed for 10 years.  I don't get better in a matter of days.  Most of the time it takes months.  I might have a good day here and there but then I end up just as depressed or  more depressed than before.  Like I was going to have a good day today and everything got fucked up.  I'm never driving again unless I have to because I'm too scared to.  I was driving home last night and I was in a kind of wooded spot with curves and it was like 11pm and a car was coming towards me so I turned off my brights as I was going around a curve and then there were 3 deer walking across the road.  I literally went between then.  Two on one side of my car and one was on the other.  Scared the shit out of me.  I didn't see them til I was like 3 feet away and I didn't manage to hit the break until I was past them.  I hated driving as it was.  That was just too close for me.

I don't feel like saying anything else.  I'm tired and I feel drained emotionally and physically.

~Kes

My depression is still fucking horrible. And better yet, I weighed a fucking huge 131.5 lbs at the doctor tonight. I know I don't weigh quite that much because I had my shoes on and fully clothed and I hadn't peed and I had eaten all day so I had all days food in me and everything.  But still.  Just the thought that I weighed in at that weight. I was 20 lbs lighted in July.  I need to get back down to that weight.  111.  Then lower.  My diet will now consist largely of cranberry juice (no more than 4 cups a day - aim for 4 though) and water until my UTI/kidney infection is gone.  I probably should have said the reason I went to the doctor.... I thought I had a UTI and well, I do, along with a kidney infection.  I only started questioning if I had a UTI a couple days ago.  How did it get that bad that quick?  Who knows...  Either way, I get to try a new prescription.  I love trying something new to see if I have an allergic reaction...  Not really...  So yeah...  Commence crash dieting.  I have an appointment Tuesday for antidepressants.  It's in the morning but let's see how much weight I can lose by then, shall we?  My mindset has been very self-destructive lately....

~Kes

My depression is horrible right now.  No clue if/when I'll be back.  I just wanna die.