Wednesday, February 29, 2012

So i wanted to go to the psych ward because i couldnt handle my anger outbursts. I was hitting myself (couldnt get ahold of a razor bc of aa) and my meds were not working at all and i was suicidal. Like really suicidal. My plans to go to the psych ward that night got fucked up so i had to go the next morning. And there were a lot of issues going on with that. I decided i didnt want to. Aa and i fought a lot. He had to prety much drag me to the hospital. We went through all the bullshit with taking my temperature and blood pressure and all that bullshitty stuff. Then we sit and wait. And wait. Then we go to a room and get told we need to go to the other hospital with the same name. So we go. Go through the same bullshit. Get put in a room. Go pee in a cup. Get the third degree from some psych evaluator who treated me like i was 5 and insisted everything was all my fault. Ive said that all along. They say they wont admit me. So we leave. And aa and i fight. We get to the car and fight. He drives. Insists i need to go back in and get admitted. We fight. I get out and start walking. He follows. We fight. I hit myself and things. Like the metal pole holding up a sign. You dont wanna see the bruises on my hands. We fight more. It just so happened at a stop light there was an ambulance going back to the fire department from another call. Aa waved them over. One guy talked to aa and the other talked to me. Back to the hospital. Waiting forever and then a psych eval again from the same bitch. She blamed me and aa for me being the way i am. Blame my fucking parents. Theyre the ones who made me this way. Aa is trying to fix me. He makes ke do things i dont want to do bc he knows its good for me or will help me. Anyway. I get offered the choice of being admitted or not. The place sounded like hell. Aa thought he could handle taking me home. So if my hand was broken i would go to the psych ward. If not i would go home. Reasoning - if i broke my hand my emotional issues are clearly bad enough that i need help but if my hand wasnt broken then aa should be able to handle me. My hand wasnt broken. I should have had the other hand xrayed instead though. It hurts worse and looks worse. Went to the doctor yesterday and got on some different meds. So far so good. Better anxiety meds and a better mood stabalizer. Hopefully itll work well. The mood stabalizer causes drowsiness and knocked me out like most of yesterday. Doctor said it should subside within a week. Ive been more alert today. Ive burned approximately 1257 calories and ive consumed about 1010 calories. Ive eaten a little less because aa ate a few bites of my toast. He takes big bites too. I suppose thats it for now. Im tired. I think im gonna go sleep in the parking lot where aa works until he gets off. Im planning on being home tomorrow through sunday morning so hopefully ill catch up on some blogs (as long as the internet works).

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