I hate D.  Sooo fucking much.  I hate him.  I hate him.  I HATE him.  Simple as that.  I was on the phone with him when I posted that last post.  And I HATE HATE HATE him.

I have D's number.  Holy shit...  He has a job...

Some of this I've probably already said before but whatever.

Everything keeps going bad.
My depressions are killing me.  I have chronic depression and major depression.  They are actually bad enough that I may be able to get on disability but it sounds like a pain to get everything filled out and filed and applied for and everything.  I think it would help me a lot if I could get on it though.
Things aren't looking good at work.
AA's mom doesn't know that I have a daughter.  AA didn't want to tell her til he knew I was ready for her to know and I wish he would have told her like a long time ago.  Now she doesn't think I have a kid and someone (most likely E's dad) told AA's mom at some point that E's mom (me) didn't want to have anything to do with E.  So AA's mom isn't going to like me when she finds out I'm E's mom.  And she's going to hate me once she finds out how mentally unstable/crazy I am.  The mentally unstable-ness is mainly what made it so I couldn't raise E (because her dad worked 12 hour days with 1 hr commute each way so he was gone 14 hrs a day and did that 5-6 days a week - and somehow we were still broke?) practically by myself.  I couldn't deal with the stress and that lack of sleep and everything.  Then her dad and I broke up and I went to Colorado because it was there or move back in with my parents and I would have rather killed myself than move back in with them.  And to make things easier I gave E's dad full-custody because I couldn't take her with me to Colorado and I didn't know if/when I would be back or anything.  If E got sick and had to go to the doctor and I had custody, the doctor would have to get permission from me to treat her and with me 800+ miles away, it would probably be hard to get a hold of me.  So I thought it was the best thing to do.  But apparently E's dad has been talking shit about me.  Someone said that he said something rude about me another time too.  Fucking dick.  He's the one who got me messed up with pills.  AA isn't too happy because of that.
I'm almost broke.
I'm fat.
Grinch is dead.
There's hardly anything healthy in the house.  It's just a bunch of processed crap.
Christmas sucked.  It wasn't a good day.  And the day after sucked too.  I didn't get to go shopping on Black Friday because I had to work.  So I was hoping to get to go shopping the day after Christmas.  But I didn't have much money.  I had $40 but I had to get gas so that meant I couldn't.  And Christmas Eve I went shopping but I didn't have much time or money so it was a shitty trip.  Bought AA's mom and step-dad's presents and that was like it.  Turn around and go home.  I haven't been able to do anything enjoyable in I don't know how long.  Which only makes the depressions worse.  At least I haven't had to deal much with my anxiety or PTSD.  But the PTSD doesn't ever bother me too much.  Just don't put your hands near my neck, don't try restraining me in any way, or try to force me into a different room or into a vehicle and we should be good.  Those things aren't all that common though.
I have no plans for New Years so I have nothing to look forward to.  I'll probably sit at home and do nothing.  And AA keeps trying to come up with stuff to do and it makes me more depressed.  And he keeps trying to come up with plans for my birthday (in October) and I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to try.  My birthdays have always been miserable.  I drank and cried by myself for hours until I passed out last time and I don't want the same thing to happen again.  AA tried to tell me he would drink with me but he refused to last time.  And I have a feeling he would do the same thing this time.  I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to celebrate any holiday or any special occasion ever again.  I don't want to get married because all of these "special" events always result in me being more depressed and miserable.  I spend way too much time depressed and crying because I always get excited and look forward to these "special" events and everyone ditches me or plans change or people fight or whatever and it always ends up shitty and I always wish I would have done something else or even just nothing at all.  I ended up making AA cry because I said I didn't want to get remarried (after I manage to get a divorce).  I don't want another shitty wedding and have to go through all the shit with a divorce and disappearing husband or anything like this again.  I honestly don't want to live to see my 21st birthday or the new year.
My dad is on his winter break from teaching high school so I'm not home alone so I have to eat and I can't exercise too easily.  It sucks and it's getting on my nerves.  I wish he wasn't here.

Now for my not so depressing stuff.

I bough a new one-piece swim suit (I'm not a fan of 2 piece - I'm always afraid the top or bottom will come off because I've had that almost happen every time I've had a 2 piece) for motivation for the summer.  A size xs from Victoria's Secret.  I was going to get a small but it was sold out.  So I went for the xs.  Besides, according to the size chart, for a 32DD I would need a medium but the hip size for a medium is bigger than my hips were last time I measured (which was when I was 115 or less...) so when I get back to 115 or less, the medium would be too big in the hips.  My hips will fit in an xs though.  A 32A is supposed to fit in an xs and the top part ties behind the neck so I'll just not tie it too tight and it should work out.

I'm going to buy a digital scale to keep in my room once my room is clean and I have the money.  That way I can weigh myself daily and know to the tenth of a pound.

I'm going to try to find a new job because I hate mine, I'm probably going to get fired soon, and getting a new job and having a pay cut and/or fewer hours might actually help me with getting disability because if it wasn't for my depressions and the issues it causes, I don't think I would hate my job and I don't think I'd be at risk of getting fired.  My depression drains me physically and emotionally and it makes working with disabled people hard because it can be quite physical (two-man lists and assisting with walking) and it can be stressful and I can't handle the stress.  So a new job would be a good thing.

I'm supposed to go to a doctor January 10th to see about doing something about my depression/anxiety/PTSD and whatever else may be wrong with me.  But I'll probably end up playing the trial and error med game again.  8 med combos in less than a year because a lot of them fucked me up really bad really quick.  Which is why I think there's something else wrong with me too but I don't know.  Maybe my body is just really sensitive to those kinds of medications?

I'm thinking about getting snake bites on New Years Eve.  Mainly because it's a Saturday so I can leave them in for 4 days before I have to switch to something smaller for work so the swelling should be gone.

That's all I have to say.

~Kes

Merry Christmas for those who celebrate Christmas.  For those who don't...  Happy Sunday?  Anyway, I've been busy - therefore not posting or reading or anything.  My sister is sick so she isn't coming over.  The cat Grinch died.  I've been stressed.  I have a doctor appointment January 10th for my depression/anxiety/insomnia/mood issues in general.  AA set it up.  AA wanted me to go.  I don't really want to go.  Mainly because of anxiety.  I'm making AA go with me.  I have a lot I want to say but I don't really have time right now.  I need to shower before my grandma and uncle come over.  Then I work at 2:30p and after I get off around 10p I'm going to AA's and probably spending the night there.  So I'll post later if I have time or tomorrow.  I got a new phone too.  After standing in U.S. Cellular for over 2 hours.  HTC Hero S.  So far so good.  Hopefully it stays that way.  Well, I gotta go shower.

~Kes

Stressed.  Busy.  Tired.  I need to come up with a present for AA's mom and step dad.  I have like one day to do it.  Great...  Suggestions?  I was kinda thinking a candle or candle set and some sort of home-made goodie (like fudge) or one of those mason jars with the dry ingredients to make like cookies (no - not cookies - cookies never turn out right - they always end up flat and weird) or brownies or fudge (AA thought fudge was a good idea) or whatever and maybe a little something else (something more guy-like that his step dad would like).  Good idea?  Bad idea?  I have no clue...

I've been up since 4:30am after being woken up at 1:30am by my little dog Chunky.  He wanted to sleep in my room.  I worked and had a horrible fucking day.  I wish today had not happened.  Anyway, I'm gonna have only about 6 hours of sleep tonight (thank whatever-you-believe-in I don't work Saturday) and I gotta work tomorrow.  I did manage to get a  new phone (hopefully it won't turn into a p.o.s. after 2 or 3 days) after over 2 hours of waiting.  And I did manage to restrict well.  I had about 385 calories today.  A high protein Slimfast made from powder and skim milk and a regular canned Slimfast and 2 Pringles.  I've been gone like all day from work and phone and shit.  So yeah.  I'm gonna go to bed and maybe tomorrow I'll vent if I'm still in a horrible mood.  I have a lot to vent/rant about.

~Kes

In a way, I guess I shouldn't feel so undeserving of anything AA gives me and I shouldn't feel like I need to spend just as much money.  But my mother is the reason I feel like I need to spend almost as much.  The heart necklace cost over $200.  So me spending about $150 isn't bad.  AA got me something for Christmas too.  I won't get it until Christmas so I have no clue what it is (although, I'm guessing more jewelry - it's like every guy's go-to gift for girls) or how much it cost.  I told him not to spend much but I don't know if he listened or not.  I would much rather he pay his fine (last I knew he had like $475 or something left) and get off of probation than spend money on me.  I have a job (he doesn't as of yet - he is supposed to have a job once a building is finished in January) so I can buy my own things.  His money should be spend on his fine before me.  At least in my opinion.  If I wanted to go and do something with him, we are stuck in Iowa unless he gets permission from his probation officer.  Once his fine is paid he will most likely get off of probation and no longer be a felon.  So then he can come to Illinois without having to get the ok from his baby-sitter.  Because if he didn't get the ok, he would be going to prison and if I was driving him somewhere, I'd be going to jail or prison (not sure which) for transporting a fugitive.  So that's part of the reason I wish he wouldn't buy me things.

I weighed 125 this morning.  Today hasn't gone too well.  I did manage to read blogs and comment on some and put away my clothes and get a little of my room cleaned, but I ate a lot more than I should have.  And what sucks is my dad is on Christmas break.  Technically, it's called "winter break" because it can't be called Christmas break because of religious reasons but whatever.  Same thing.  My dad's a high school science teacher if you were wondering.  I didn't expect him to get done this early.  I was thinking Thursday.  Because when I was in school (I went to the school he teaches at) I never got out until Thursday if Christmas was on a Sunday or Monday.  And that sucks because I can't weigh in and I'm limited on what I can do for exercising (I can't do things that will make a lot of noise and I have to stay in my room) and I can't spend forever deciding what to eat and looking at labels.  But maybe it will motivate me to stay in my room most of the day and clean...  I doubt it though.  I have two of those neoprene waist reducer bands (I actually should have a 3rd somewhere but I couldn't find it so I bought a second and then I wanted another so I could cover from my ribs down to my hips so that's why I have 3) that I plan on sleeping in and maybe wearing while cleaning and whatever.  Depends on what clothes I wear.  If I can find an outfit that can hide them, I'll wear them almost all day probably.  If I can't, then I'll just wear them to bed.  I'm hoping I can actually get a decent amount of cleaning and exercising done tomorrow though.

I haven't done thinspo in like forever...  O_o  So here's thinspo.

~Kes

A few pictures then I'm going to bed.  I weighed about 125 today (since I spent the night at AA's I didn't get a chance to weigh in until after I had eaten so I weighed about 126 so I'm guessing 125 if I hadn't eaten).  I didn't get home til a little after 11:30am.  I did a little cleaning and took a nap.  I didn't read blogs really.  Hopefully I'll do that tomorrow.  But pictures.

 This is the outfit I wore half of yesterday and today.  Although I didn't take this picture today or yesterday.  I took the picture when I bought the shirt which was like a week or a week and a half ago or something like that.  I just happened to end up wearing the same jeans with the shirt today that I did in the picture.

This is a bite-sized piece of the brownies I made.  

 The picture is upside-down but whatever.  I'm lazy.  AA bought me this necklace one day.  It happens to be on my sandal because I needed a dark background to get a decent picture because the flash just made for bad pictures.

And this is the necklace AA bought when he was in Louisiana.  Again, I'm too lazy to turn the picture.  And I kind of wish he wouldn't have bought it.  Or at least I wish he wouldn't have spent as much.  I spent $65 for him to get a piercing (did I tell you his nipples were too small to get pierced? So he got a different piercing instead...) and I spent like $85 on volumes 2, 3, and 4 of the James Bond movies (I was going to get volume 1 too but it was an extra $60 and it woulda cut me a little too close with my money).  And I still feel like I need to get him more.  All the more reason I'm not sure about relationships...  I'm afraid of commitment.  Or more like I feel like I'm not good enough/deserving of anything.  Whatever.  I'm going to bed.  Cleaning and exercising and reading/commenting on blog tomorrow.  And that's about it...

~Kes

Im going to start dieting and exercising like i should be tomorrow. Tonight is my last night of eating 'normal' and tomorrow im gonna eat like a skinny person and exercise and become skinny. Im with aa right now. I was beyond depressed earlier. Ive beem depressed and stressed and tired and suicidal which is why i didnt post. I have pictures to post but theyre on my camera at home. I have to get them on the computer then post them. Not something i can do at aas. Im spending the night. We are gonna make smores and drink. Ill start reading and commenting on blogs either tomorrow or tuesday. It depends on when i get home tomorrow. I need to work on cleaning my room too. I dont really have much else to say right now. At least nothing i can think of... So yeah... If i post tomorrow itll probably be just pictures. Or mostly pictures because nothing interesting has been happening.
~Kes
Sent from my U.S. Cellular® Android-powered phone

So the brownie recipe - the brownies kind of remind me of like a cross between a brownie and a chocolate cheesecake so if you are ok with adding extra calories, you could try using fat-free cream cheese (it would add about 50-60 calories more to the whole thing so like maybe 5 more calories per brownie) instead of Greek yogurt but you could probably find a lower-cal substitute for the eggs or margarine to make up for it

1 1/2 cups flour
1 cup cocoa powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
8 tbsp margarine or butter, softened (one stick or you could use something like black beans or chickpeas as Claire suggested on a previous post - no idea if it would effect the taste or not)
1 1/3 cup sugar (you could probably use Splenda or Truvia or whatever you wanted - it would have fewer calories that way)
3 eggs (you could probably use ground flax seeds or apple sauce or something as Claire suggested but I have no clue on the calories in ground flax - applesauce should save a few calories though but no clue if it would effect the taste)
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup Greek yogurt (I used vanilla in mine because that's what I had - you could use plain if you wanted but it might not be as sweet but it might save calories or you could try regular yogurt and see how that turns out - regular yogurt would save on calories)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Spray a 9x13 cake pan with non-stick spray.
Stir the first four ingredients together and set aside.
Mix butter and sugar together with an electric mixer until creamy.  Add eggs and vanilla and mix until combined.
Add in flour mixture slowly and mix at a low speed.  Add in yogurt and mix until combined.  Batter will probably be thick (might be thinner if you use regular yogurt).
Pour into pan and spread it so it's in an even layer.
Bake for about 20-25 minutes.  Brownies are done when a toothpick inserted into the middle of the pan come out clean.
Cool and cut into 24 brownies (or more or less if you want... 24 following the recipe as I have it comes out to 125.5 calories each).

My brownies pulled away from the sides of the pan as they cooled.  Not sure if I over sprayed the pan or baked them too long or if they just do that or what.  Taste fine though.

I tried the Blogger app and it wouldn't let me sign in and I couldn't figure out how to add another email account on my phone so if I post from my phone it'll probably be through email.  My phone is a p.o.s.  My touchscreen doesn't always work and the power button doesn't always work either.  I hate it.  And my memory card refused to work earlier today too.  It sucked because I wanted to use the camera on  my phone and it wouldn't let me.

Today is my mom's birthday so my intake will be shitty.  BUT, starting tomorrow, I'm gonna get on track.  Weigh myself first thing in the morning and take diet pills and clean and exercise and restrict and eat as healthily as possible and just get on track.  Then when I get to weigh in again (most likely Monday) I will hopefully have lost a pound or two or more (preferably two or more).  I'm gonna get rid of this fat grossness.

I'll post picture tomorrow.  It's already after 10 pm and I need to go to bed.  I gotta go to the bank tomorrow.  I've been working on this post since I woke up so I'm gonna go to bed and I need to get off the computer before I spend more money.  Damn you Victoria's Secret and every other website I shop at online!  About $110 spent in like less than 2 hours.  Probably more like 1...  Oops...  At least I don't have any bills really.  Just car insurance this month.  Anyway, bed...

~Kes

Im just trying to see if this works.
Sent from my U.S. Cellular® Android-powered phone

A couple comment replies -

Kiwi - I did tell AA that he was pissing me off.  I had been planning on shopping alone but I don't want to go to Iowa just for that.  I can do that online.  Online has a better selection of things anyway.  And it would keep me from buying food and other calorie-filled things.  And I have very few friends.  Most of which don't ever want to hang out.  They always claim to be busy with work or school (sometimes it is acceptable and it's finals time right now so I can't bitch when they say no - but they always pull this excuse even when school just started and they haven't had time to fall behind).  So I have no one else to go with.  And seeing as how I don't know where Zumba is (all I know is downtown), I can't exactly go by myself.  And I can't go with AA the next day because it is my mother's birthday so I can't really do anything unless it involves doing it with my mother.

a friend of ana - I've got two diet pills.  Dexatrim Max and Metabolife Green Tea.  I've had them forever and I was taking them regularly and then I quit.  I don't remember why exactly but I think it was because I was applying for jobs and didn't know if I would have to do a drug test.  I failed a drug test once (it was at a hospital though so it didn't really matter).  It came up positive for marijuana but I hadn't had any for like 2 years so it definitely wasn't right.  And the only thing I could come up with that could have given me a false positive was the diet pills I was taking.  I could be wrong though.  But that's the only thing I could come up with.  I need to start taking them again.  I was going to start taking them again once but then I got sick and my throat felt super swollen and pills were super hard to swallow so I didn't start taking them.

I don't know what to say to the other comments.  But thank you for taking the time to read and comment even though I haven't been.

And other than that, I made brownies.  125 calories each if you cut them into 24 (it's a cake pan or 9x13 size). I haven't tried them yet but the batter was good.  I'll post the recipe if they're good.  I'm sure you could reduce the calories by using like Splenda or any other low-cal/no-cal sweetener instead of sugar and that would save a lot of calories.  And if you know a substitute for eggs or margarine/butter that is lower-cal that would make them have fewer calories too.  I don't remember if it's eggs or butter but applesauce can be subbed in for something...  So if they're good I'll post that tomorrow (probably tomorrow anyway...).  As for what I'm doing tomorrow, I have no clue.  AA still wants to see me but I don't wanna see him.  I do in a way, but I mostly don't.  I've been dealing with a lot of stress and Kin and his brother have been on my mind for whatever reason and it's only making things worse.  I miss Kin.  I don't know what else to say.  I want pills...

~Kes

I was in an ok-ish mood.  Now I'm pissed and depressed and shit.  I has plans for tomorrow but now all of those plans are maybe plans and AA keeps making it worse by making more maybe plans.  I was wanting to do shit and I can't with all these maybe plans.  Zumba is a maybe.  AA wanted his nipples pierced and I was going to take him and everything but he still hasn't set up an appointment.  I wanted him to do that last night.  But he didn't and now it's 2:30 and he hasn't done shit.  I want to cut.  I want to take pills.  I want to die.  I need fucking out of this hell.  It's like everyone is trying to make me depressed and suicidal.  Right when I was almost ok.  Everyone wants me dead.  It's simple.  I was looking forward to being out of the house for a while and doing fun stuff and whatever and now with everything being maybe, I'm saying fuck it all.  I'm staying home and going to be miserable and depressed.  Not unusual.  I was wanting to do a little shopping and watch a movie with AA and get his nipples pierced and go to Zumba (not necessarily in that order - I was wanting to figure out the order today but clearly that won't happen).  Now I'm gonna sit at home and the most exciting thing I'll do is clean.  But I doubt I'll even feel like doing that.  I should have killed myself a long time ago.

~Kes

I worked from 6:30 am yesterday until 8 pm.  I had a short break to cash my paycheck yesterday and that was it.  Then I worked again at 6:30 am today.  But only til 3 pm.  And I got my debit card yesterday so I got that activated today.  I had to take a break at work to do it but whatever.  Work was boring for the most part.  Some parts stressful.  I don't really have much to say.  E's here so I don't have much time anyway.  Maybe I'll have something to post about tomorrow or Monday or something...

~Kes

This girl I worked with at K-Mart and I work with now at my current job (she's the one that told me to apply to be a DSP) wants to do zumba and I said I would go with her sometime.  So we are planning on going Monday.  That concludes anything good/ok that is going on in my life.  Constantly getting bitched at/about by everyone (parents, co-coworkers, friends, ect.).  AA and J both told me I can cut.  I told AA I wanted to cut and he didn't want me too at first.  I asked what else I was supposed to do instead and he couldn't come up with anything.  I said cutting was better than be being upset for hours or days or weeks.  So he said I could as long as it wasn't everyday and I didn't end up in the hospital.  It only made me more uncertain about being with AA.  So I text J and asked him why I shouldn't cut.  He said he didn't know a reason and that he's never done it before so if I wanted to cut, to go ahead and do it.  I already had.  Now I have no reasons not to cut.  No one cares.  I was hoping J would at least get all medical and be like you can get an infection or tetanus or something.  I wanted someone to give me a reason not to.  And I got nothing.  AA couldn't come up with an alternative for it.  So now I'm back to cutting.  And it will get out of hand again.  I've got a good razor too.  Makes it more tempting.  I've been wanting pills but I can't ever find anything good.  I was supposed to get a bar once but it woulda meant waiting for someone to get off work and I didn't have time.  Other than that I can only find shells and that just brings back bad memories.  Never again.  I'm gonna have a little bit of Greek yogurt for breakfast along with some diet pills.  I haven't taken diet pills in like forever.  I took a couple one day but that was it and they made me feel sick.  That's why I'm having some Greek yogurt first.  So it won't be so hard on my stomach.  I'm gonna try to finish wrapping Christmas presents after work today.  I gotta run to town and cash my paycheck or deposit it.  Depends on if I have my damn debit card or not.  Today is 10 days. I better fucking have it.  I want to buy stuff online.  I have a Victoria's Secret rewards card thing that I need to use.  And they have free shipping on orders over $25 through Sunday.  Not having a debit card is driving me insane.  I have about $240 sitting in my checking account.  At least I made it two weeks without going broke?  Although I did spend over $250 that was left over from the loan.  I got $400 more than the car cost to cover the tax and registration and title and whatthehellever.  It came to $222.  Would have been $220 but I had to go to a bank and get a money order and the bank charged $2.  Whatever.  I probably should order some checks sometime...  I'm not looking forward to work.  Mainly because I just don't want to go...  I need to get dressed and eat and make some tea so I can take the diet pills.  I never did take a picture of the necklace AA gave me. I don't know if I even said anything about it on here...  Either way, he bought me a necklace when he was in Louisiana.  He gave it to me first time I saw him after he came back.  Anyway, I gotta go.  I'll post pictures sometime on a day off. E is coming over tomorrow and leaving Sunday.  So it'll probably be sometime between Monday and Wednesday.  Hopefully I'll be in a good enough mood and have enough time to read blogs.  But who knows.

~Kes

I don't know what to say.  AA wants to be serious.  Like serious relationship and his mom told him that if we were to be serious like that then I need to spend more time with his family.  I'm kinda having too many money issues to do that right now.  Almost done with Christmas/birthday shopping.  Just got AA and my sister left.  I know what to get my sister but I got to go to my bank to get it.  I'm planning on paying for AA to get his nipples pierced.  He's wanted his nipples pierced for a while so why not?  I just have to have the money for it.  I spent quite a bit of time with AA.  He makes me relaxed and content and happy.  I don't have much to say.  I need to get to bed.  Just thought I'd let you know I'm still alive for now.

~Kes

Why does the world hate me?  I was almost having a good day and it all goes to shit.  I want to die.  I want to cut my arm open and overdose and die.  I can't have one decent day.  Ever.  No matter what.  Karma isn't real because I don't deserve all of this shit.  I hate life.  I hate myself.  Enough people want me dead that suicide wouldn't be selfish.  I don't see why people think suicide is selfish anyway.

So I said I was going to take picture of the new car after I weighed myself this morning.  So I weighed myself (looked to be about 121.5-122-ish, it looked like it went down a little), let the animals in and took Chunky outside so I could take some pictures.  But it was snowing and I was using my phone so I only took two.  Whatever.  And I blacked out the license plate for privacy reasons.  They're the same plates from the old car that got totaled.  White's not my favorite color for a car, but it isn't my least favorite.  My least favorite would be yellow (I HATE yellow in general and it looks horrible on cars).  So yeah.

 Chunky loves the snow but he doesn't like having his picture taken with my phone because it has a very bright flash.  I had the flash off for this one.  The first pic I took of him with my phone, I didn't know there was a flash and that it would be as bright as it was.

And the car.  There was only the driver in the car.  He rolled it.  My make up made it through unharmed.  As did my cd's and almost everything.  One of my Lysol wipes containers lost the lid (it not has plastic wrap for a lid) and got some stuff wet but at least it's germ-free?

And, yes, that is the seatbelt holding the door closed.  And the remainder of the front driver's side tire is in the driver's seat.

Well, I gotta get ready to go to the bank and then the DMV and if I have any money left, I'll be trying to figure out a birthday present for my mother and maybe buying applesauce and whole-wheat flour.  Hopefully I'll have time to read some blogs later or something.

~Kes

So I got a loan and got a car but the DMV is closed on Mondays, so I gotta go to the bank tomorrow morning with the car title so they can put the lien or whatever on it and then go to the DMV to get it put in my name and everything and all that shit.  I'll get pics of the car tomorrow (it's night - I don't want to mess with it) and post pictures of the new car, totaled car, and whatever else I come up with.  I weighed 122 this morning.  I need to get out of the damn 120s.  It's like hell.  I've been thinking about getting a second job so I can make more money and get the loan paid off and get out of this damn house.  My parents don't want me here.  They didn't want to cosign the loan.  They didn't want me on their insurance policy but to go through State Farm like they wanted, I have to still be on their policy since I live in their house and my mother cosigned the loan.  AA is supposed to have a job around the beginning of January and he thinks he'll be able to get a place by the end of January (his mom will help him get it) and he wants me to move in with him.  I'd like to move in if he gets a big enough place.  But I'm not sure how that will effect my eating and weight.  It could be a good thing or it could be a bad thing.  And I'm not really sure what else to say today.  It's been kind of hectic and I've been feeling super bi-polar.  Remind me never to forget about my bc for 2 days in a row.  It means the start of my period (grr... except I know I'm not pregnant, which is good because I have no clue who's kid that would be...) and well, I think that's part (or most) of the reason for my bi-polar-ness.  I've still be craving cookies.  I want chocolate mint sort of cookies.  I need to figure out what to do about that.  Brownies might work instead.  Just add some mint.  I found a brownie recipe that has about 45 calories per brownie.  I'm thinking I'll doubt the recipe (it's for an 8x8 pan and we always make 9x13 or a cake pan size since there's 3 people eating them).  So I'll swap the vanilla extract for mint extract and maybe add a little extra mint.  And I'll make a chocolate mint drizzle maybe?  I'll see if I can find a low-cal recipe to keep the brownies under 60 cal each.  If they're good, I'll post the recipe if you want.  If they end up nasty, I'm not gonna waste my time.  I'm gonna have to get unsweetened applesauce but that's no problem.  I gotta go to town anyway.  I might even buy a small thing of whole-wheat flour to make the brownies healthier.  It won't save on calories really but it'll add more protein and fiber.  It depends on how much it all costs.  I'm quite limited on money without a debit card.  I hope I get it soon so I can finish Christmas shopping.  And my mother's birthday is coming up so I need to get her something for that.  My sister kind of ruined my idea.  My mother had wanted an Ipod.  I hate Apple products.  Always have, always will.  I hate Ipod clickwheel things (they never work right for me - go too far, not far enough, just flat out doesn't work, ect).  I hate Itunes (I've only heard people bitch about songs being deleted and can't get songs from someone else's computer and how it's just a p.o.s.).  I hate Mac computers (had to use them in grade school and you couldn't really do shit - that may have been the school making it so you couldn't do shit, but either way, it made me hate them).  And Apple shit is just too damn expensive.  4 gb should not cost me so damn much.  I'd go with a generic Coby or whatthefuckever mp3 than spend twice as much for an Ipod.  Either way, I was going to get my mother a generic mp3 (she's going to be 52 and is not good at using any kind of electronic) without any fancy bells and whistles (she would get confused if it did more than play music and show pictures).  But my sister ruined my idea by saying she would give my mother her old Ipod.  I WILL NOT teach my mother to use it.  I WILL NOT install Itunes.  T can do all of that.  So now, I have to find something for my mother's birthday.  And that means I have to buy it in a store (I've been doing damn near all my shopping online) once I figure out what the fuck to buy her.  I refuse to buy her clothes because she gets soooo picky.  No red.  No black.  No grey.  No this.  No that.  "Are you sure it'll fit?"  "I think I need a bigger size."  So much shit.  So now, I'm pretty much fucked.  No idea what to do.  There's like nothing on her list.  My sister got 2 things off of her list just for her birthday.  There's only like 6 things on her list.  3 people buying for her for 2 reasons.  I don't know what the fuck to buy her now.  And I need to come up with like $70 worth of stuff to buy my sister.  I'm kinda thinking about a Visa or Mastercard giftcard.  Like $50.  And then a $20 something or other.  She bought me a phone for $225.  She's getting the $100 rebate Mastercard.  So I thought about $100 worth for her Christmas presents would be fair since it'll be about $125 that she spent on me for Christmas.  But I have no clue what to get her.  I was wanting to go shopping in the cities or Iowa City but I can't find anyone to go with until like the 18th.  I want to be done by then.  So I have no clue.  Ideas for any of that would be greatly appreciated.  I'm going to shut up now before I keep rambling on about stupid shit.  Pictures tomorrow.  I promise.  I'll go take pictures of the new car right after I weigh myself and get them on the computer.

~Kes

Well, I tried to post from my phone earlier to see if it worked, and well, I couldn't get it to let me type anything except a title.  And we all know, I don't do titles.  So I'm gonna have to maybe get an app (any suggestions for Android? - I looked in the Android Market and found a couple and I have no clue which would be good or if there's a better one or what) if I want to do that.  And as I was driving to work today in my dad's car, it over heated.  I was like 45 minutes late to work.  Oh, well.  No one really cares.  One of my clients got to sleep in and the other got to watch t.v. for an extra 45 minutes.  They were staying home today anyway so it didn't matter.  There was no rush.  I've had too many calories so far.  Or at least it feels like it.  I'm at about 700?  That's a guess though.  Slimfast - 170, some Slimfast powder and some cappuccino powder in water - 130, a cookie - 150?, 2 cheese puff things - 40?, a fat-free cappuccino from Hy-Vee gas station - 200?  I'm hoping the cookie, cheese puffs, and Hy-Vee cappuccino are overestimated by a lot.  I'm going to look at a car tomorrow.  It's a 1999 Gran Prix for $3900.  It looks nice based on the pictures.  I need to post pictures...  I'll get around to it sometime over the next few days hopefully.  I don't work and won't really be doing much so I should get around to it.  I'm craving junk food.  I want to bake cookies...  I'm gonna look up low-cal cookie recipes after I do like 250 crunches and either squats or lunges.  Or maybe I'll do squats and lunges....

~Kes

My mind is fucked up.  I was with AA for a little bit yesterday.  And well, we ended up having sex.  And what sucked was that I ended up thinking about Kin's brother like the whole time.  It was awkward and I was at an awkward point between liking the sex and not liking it.  It was awkward.  I float between being scared shitless of Kin and his brother and all of his friends and being fearless of them.  It's a thought of "What's the worst that can happen?  They kill me?  I'm already suicidal.  They injure me?  I already self-injure so the pain's the same."

Anyway...  I'm just a fucked up mess.  I don't want to talk.  I float between good and bad thoughts.  I'm depressed most of the time though.  I hung out with J and was depressed the whole time.  I deleted him off Facebook and deleted his number.  It was just awkward.

I don't know what to say.  I'm just depressed.  And I don't know what to do.  I can't bring myself to read any blogs.  And I doubt I'll be able to any time soon.

~Kes

Well, I'm gonna probably hang out with J in the morning tomorrow so I won't be able to weigh in.  But my sister bought me a new phone as an early Christmas present.  So I should be able to set it up so I can blog from my phone at some point.  I didn't the the Electrify like I had wanted (U.S. Cellular changed the sale so now it's like $250 with a $100 mail in rebate) so I got the Mesmerize.  My mother got the stuff out of the car today.  It's kinda bad looking but surprisingly almost all of my stuff is ok.  I had eye shadow in the car and it didn't like break apart or anything.  My cds are all fine (a few are a little scratched).  My sunglasses are fine.  I had some Lysol wipes and the lid came off one of the containers and got some stuff wet, but it's fine.  I checked my bank account and my money is back in it.  I don't have a new debit card yet though.  And I don't have checks even though it is a checking account.  I just never bought any.  I never saw a reason to.  I need to go to my bank tomorrow to get an online purchase authorized or whatever.  I'm probably gonna look at some cars tomorrow afternoon too.  I don't really have much else to say.  I'll post pictures tomorrow if I have time.

~Kes

My stomach actually looked pretty flat this morning.  I guess that's the result of 740 calories yesterday and less than 1000 calories the day before.  The day before included some alcohol.  And it's the result of (in no particular order) having sex, running (from the house I had been held against my will in), struggling while being restrained, being dehydrated, trying to hit/kick/injure the guy who was imprisoning me, and running back and forth in his house trying to get out.  I've had a lot more calories today.  But that's because I ended up having Dairy Queen for lunch because I had to go to the bank because of my debit card being stolen and with no car, I had to take my dad to work, wait til my bank opened, go there, wait for my mom to get off work (about 2 1/2 hours later), and then we had to drop the car off for my dad and then do some stuff in town and my mother wanted to get something to eat (she pick Dairy Queen) before we drove to the town that was supposed to have my car (the person couldn't get the door unlocked to the building it was in so we didn't get to see it) and then we went to Iowa to do some more stuff.  I got to see AA today.  It was the first time since he came back that I saw him.  He gave me a necklace.  I'll post a picture like tomorrow or the day after.  Maybe pictures of the car too.  AA has agreed to not get involved with drugs at all once he's off probation (he had wanted to get back into selling pot at one point after probation but said he doesn't want to anymore - possibly because of what happened to me).  I'm still mentally and physically exhausted from what happened.  I go through like phases where I can't sit still (I wanted to go out and run or exercise or do something along those lines earlier but it was really cold out and I didn't have anywhere I could go to exercise indoors) and phases where I'm beyond tired/worn out (like earlier after I went to the bank I ended up attempting to sleep in the car) and phases where I'm depressed and want to cry (sometimes something triggers this, other times it doesn't - I started crying in the car earlier and I'm not completely sure why).  I'm supposed to train at work tomorrow.  It's gonna be hard.  I probably won't be reading many blogs until next week.  If I even do then.  Depends on all of the cop/legal/ect. stuff for everything.  My posting may also end up sporadic or I'll do picture posts because I don't want to talk or whatever.  So yeah...  I probably won't eat much tomorrow.  Because my stomach feels shitty right now and I haven't been hungry since Saturday (like during the day).  Wednesday I'll post my weight.  And then next Monday will probably be the soonest after that that I can weigh in.  Well, I'm gonna shower and AA's supposed to call and then I'm going to bed.

~Kes

Kin is NOT great.  He fucking fucked a bunch of shit up for me.  Him and his damn family/friends.  Never fucking trust a Moe.  Never.  NONE of them.  Long story short, Kin totaled my car (it's technically my parents' car) and it only had comprehensive insurance so I doubt the insurance company will do much of anything.  Kin or one of his family/friends (one of the Moes) drained my checking account.  Oh, Kin totaled my car after a high speed chase from the cops.  Actually 2 chases.  I was left alone with Kin's brother at Kin's brother's house (Kin left and went to some bars - I was going to go with him but he left and I didn't know it until someone said he had been there and left).  Kin's brother was drunk and high and held me against my will in his house for 5 hours before I finally managed to escape.  I have bruises from him restraining me.  Kin's brother took my phone and I may or may not get it back.  Depends on if the police find it.  I went 28 hours without sleeping.  I'm in no mood to eat.  Watch my weight drop now.

~Kes

Yesterday didn't go as planned and today sucked food-wise as well.  I'm planning on fasting tomorrow and restricting a lot Sunday if possible.  Hopefully less than 500 on Sunday.  Monday no clue.  Too far off to figure out.  I need to get back on track with the weight loss thing.  I have about 35 days until I want to be 109.  Which would be about 16 lbs (guessing - no clue on my current weight but I would guess I'm back to 125 although it may be less but I feel fat enough that 125 is probably accurate).  16 lbs would be difficult but doable.  10 is definitely doable and not as difficult.  I really need to be able to wear my girl's 14/16 skirt by New Year's Eve and I need to be able to not look fat in whatever shirt I wear with it (currently I have no matching shirts that don't make me look fat/pregnant so I need to lose enough weight to fit into one of those).  Anything motivating (words of encouragement or any form of motivating words or links to motivating website or anything that would help me actually manage to lose the weight) would be more than greatly appreciated.  I've been so off track it's ridiculous   It's time for me to get back on track and get rid of this fat.  I need a flat tummy and thigh gap.  I need to be skinny.  Not much I want to say other than that.  E's here until tomorrow around 5.  And AA's coming back tomorrow.  I'm falling for Kin.  The more I hang out with him and find out things about him, the more I like him.  He's amazing.  Tall (I can wear whatever shoes I want and not have to worry about being taller than him because he's like 10+ inches taller than me) with lean muscles (not bulky yet strong enough to lift me up and hold me - ever had sex with a guy holding you up and not against a wall? I never thought that would happen til I was like 105 or less - sexy as fuck) and he likes to read books (like non-fiction books - he reads them to learn which really kind of surprised me) and he's so sweet.  He cares about me so much and I know he won't stop caring.  He means a lot to me.  Ok, enough of that...  Thinspo.

~Kes

Well, I can't weigh in today.  My guess would be that I'm 122-ish?  Not good enough.  I keep coughing (have been for like the past 1 1/2 weeks maybe? - it's been a while) and my throat has been killing me just as long (swallowing hurts like a bitch) and nothing I have found fixes either (I have found things that make the coughing worse, however).  So my master plan today (since my family did our shitty version of Thanksgiving last night) is to just live off no/low cal liquids until after work.  At which point I'm gonna eat an apple (80) and then when I get home a kiwi (45).  Then supper will be soup (120).  And I may have a piece of pumpkin pie (275 - I don't eat the crust because I just don't like pie crust) with some Cool Whip (50).  So at most I will have 570.  I may skip the pie or have half instead.  Depends on how hungry I am.  Well, I gotta finish getting ready for work (holiday pay today - time and a half so I'm making $13.25/hr).  I hope everyone has a good day.

~Kes

I weighed 121 this morning.  Was hoping for less but at least it's lower than the last time I weighed.  I keep thinking about b/p-ing this morning.  And then I think about just drinking tea and water and coffee all day until supper and only eating supper.  Not sure.  I think I'll try the water and tea and coffee thing.  Throw some coffee and ice and sugar-free syrup and a packet or 2 of Splenda and I'll call if breakfast.  I have to wash the dishes anyway.  Might as well.  Then I have to go to town to cash my check because we got paid today (I took my check yesterday because otherwise I wouldn't have time to cash it until Monday and that would just suck) and then gonna go to Iowa and take Kin to Iowa City (as long as he gives me money first).  If Kin doesn't give me money I'll just do some shopping.  I'm going shopping Sunday afternoon with N.  J is coming back today.  He's gonna be in Chicago today I think and then come down to my area tomorrow.  I probably won't see him til next week if I even see him then.  AA comes back Saturday.  He thinks it'll be around 4.  So I'll probably do some shopping after work or something til he calls or texts me so we can hang out.  Kin gave me an X last night but I haven't taken it yet.  I was gonna wait til AA came back and take 1/2 because AA won't let me take more than 1/2.  J is supposed to have X for me too.  Apparently if X is taken in the right setting (like raves or clubs where there's a lot of dancing or moving) it can be good for weight loss.  And X only stays in your system a little more than 24 hours.  There's about 3% left after 24 hours.  So I'm hoping that even though I'm not going to be at a rave or club or anything like that when I take it with AA that it'll help with weight loss.  When I take it with J there's a chance that it would be at a party or something so that should help me lose a little.  The situation at work is a little better.  Hopefully it'll get even better though.  And it would be fucking awesome if I got a job interview for one of the few places I applied at.  Like the job at Maurice's.  That one sounds great.  I guess I'll keep applying to full-time jobs as I find then but not part time.  I need a job with insurance.  I can't afford a damn doctor without it.  So yeah.  I'm gonna try to keep myself busy with people and hopefully I will be less depressed and can get back to being a good little blogger and reading blogs and commenting and everything.  But I gotta get ready to go to town and do dishes and whatnot.  At some point I'll add Kin over to the side.  Along with change M's age because apparently he's 24.

~Kes