Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Some of this I've probably already said before but whatever.

Everything keeps going bad.
My depressions are killing me.  I have chronic depression and major depression.  They are actually bad enough that I may be able to get on disability but it sounds like a pain to get everything filled out and filed and applied for and everything.  I think it would help me a lot if I could get on it though.
Things aren't looking good at work.
AA's mom doesn't know that I have a daughter.  AA didn't want to tell her til he knew I was ready for her to know and I wish he would have told her like a long time ago.  Now she doesn't think I have a kid and someone (most likely E's dad) told AA's mom at some point that E's mom (me) didn't want to have anything to do with E.  So AA's mom isn't going to like me when she finds out I'm E's mom.  And she's going to hate me once she finds out how mentally unstable/crazy I am.  The mentally unstable-ness is mainly what made it so I couldn't raise E (because her dad worked 12 hour days with 1 hr commute each way so he was gone 14 hrs a day and did that 5-6 days a week - and somehow we were still broke?) practically by myself.  I couldn't deal with the stress and that lack of sleep and everything.  Then her dad and I broke up and I went to Colorado because it was there or move back in with my parents and I would have rather killed myself than move back in with them.  And to make things easier I gave E's dad full-custody because I couldn't take her with me to Colorado and I didn't know if/when I would be back or anything.  If E got sick and had to go to the doctor and I had custody, the doctor would have to get permission from me to treat her and with me 800+ miles away, it would probably be hard to get a hold of me.  So I thought it was the best thing to do.  But apparently E's dad has been talking shit about me.  Someone said that he said something rude about me another time too.  Fucking dick.  He's the one who got me messed up with pills.  AA isn't too happy because of that.
I'm almost broke.
I'm fat.
Grinch is dead.
There's hardly anything healthy in the house.  It's just a bunch of processed crap.
Christmas sucked.  It wasn't a good day.  And the day after sucked too.  I didn't get to go shopping on Black Friday because I had to work.  So I was hoping to get to go shopping the day after Christmas.  But I didn't have much money.  I had $40 but I had to get gas so that meant I couldn't.  And Christmas Eve I went shopping but I didn't have much time or money so it was a shitty trip.  Bought AA's mom and step-dad's presents and that was like it.  Turn around and go home.  I haven't been able to do anything enjoyable in I don't know how long.  Which only makes the depressions worse.  At least I haven't had to deal much with my anxiety or PTSD.  But the PTSD doesn't ever bother me too much.  Just don't put your hands near my neck, don't try restraining me in any way, or try to force me into a different room or into a vehicle and we should be good.  Those things aren't all that common though.
I have no plans for New Years so I have nothing to look forward to.  I'll probably sit at home and do nothing.  And AA keeps trying to come up with stuff to do and it makes me more depressed.  And he keeps trying to come up with plans for my birthday (in October) and I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to try.  My birthdays have always been miserable.  I drank and cried by myself for hours until I passed out last time and I don't want the same thing to happen again.  AA tried to tell me he would drink with me but he refused to last time.  And I have a feeling he would do the same thing this time.  I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to celebrate any holiday or any special occasion ever again.  I don't want to get married because all of these "special" events always result in me being more depressed and miserable.  I spend way too much time depressed and crying because I always get excited and look forward to these "special" events and everyone ditches me or plans change or people fight or whatever and it always ends up shitty and I always wish I would have done something else or even just nothing at all.  I ended up making AA cry because I said I didn't want to get remarried (after I manage to get a divorce).  I don't want another shitty wedding and have to go through all the shit with a divorce and disappearing husband or anything like this again.  I honestly don't want to live to see my 21st birthday or the new year.
My dad is on his winter break from teaching high school so I'm not home alone so I have to eat and I can't exercise too easily.  It sucks and it's getting on my nerves.  I wish he wasn't here.

Now for my not so depressing stuff.

I bough a new one-piece swim suit (I'm not a fan of 2 piece - I'm always afraid the top or bottom will come off because I've had that almost happen every time I've had a 2 piece) for motivation for the summer.  A size xs from Victoria's Secret.  I was going to get a small but it was sold out.  So I went for the xs.  Besides, according to the size chart, for a 32DD I would need a medium but the hip size for a medium is bigger than my hips were last time I measured (which was when I was 115 or less...) so when I get back to 115 or less, the medium would be too big in the hips.  My hips will fit in an xs though.  A 32A is supposed to fit in an xs and the top part ties behind the neck so I'll just not tie it too tight and it should work out.

I'm going to buy a digital scale to keep in my room once my room is clean and I have the money.  That way I can weigh myself daily and know to the tenth of a pound.

I'm going to try to find a new job because I hate mine, I'm probably going to get fired soon, and getting a new job and having a pay cut and/or fewer hours might actually help me with getting disability because if it wasn't for my depressions and the issues it causes, I don't think I would hate my job and I don't think I'd be at risk of getting fired.  My depression drains me physically and emotionally and it makes working with disabled people hard because it can be quite physical (two-man lists and assisting with walking) and it can be stressful and I can't handle the stress.  So a new job would be a good thing.

I'm supposed to go to a doctor January 10th to see about doing something about my depression/anxiety/PTSD and whatever else may be wrong with me.  But I'll probably end up playing the trial and error med game again.  8 med combos in less than a year because a lot of them fucked me up really bad really quick.  Which is why I think there's something else wrong with me too but I don't know.  Maybe my body is just really sensitive to those kinds of medications?

I'm thinking about getting snake bites on New Years Eve.  Mainly because it's a Saturday so I can leave them in for 4 days before I have to switch to something smaller for work so the swelling should be gone.

That's all I have to say.


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