So i wanted to go to the psych ward because i couldnt handle my anger outbursts. I was hitting myself (couldnt get ahold of a razor bc of aa) and my meds were not working at all and i was suicidal. Like really suicidal. My plans to go to the psych ward that night got fucked up so i had to go the next morning. And there were a lot of issues going on with that. I decided i didnt want to. Aa and i fought a lot. He had to prety much drag me to the hospital. We went through all the bullshit with taking my temperature and blood pressure and all that bullshitty stuff. Then we sit and wait. And wait. Then we go to a room and get told we need to go to the other hospital with the same name. So we go. Go through the same bullshit. Get put in a room. Go pee in a cup. Get the third degree from some psych evaluator who treated me like i was 5 and insisted everything was all my fault. Ive said that all along. They say they wont admit me. So we leave. And aa and i fight. We get to the car and fight. He drives. Insists i need to go back in and get admitted. We fight. I get out and start walking. He follows. We fight. I hit myself and things. Like the metal pole holding up a sign. You dont wanna see the bruises on my hands. We fight more. It just so happened at a stop light there was an ambulance going back to the fire department from another call. Aa waved them over. One guy talked to aa and the other talked to me. Back to the hospital. Waiting forever and then a psych eval again from the same bitch. She blamed me and aa for me being the way i am. Blame my fucking parents. Theyre the ones who made me this way. Aa is trying to fix me. He makes ke do things i dont want to do bc he knows its good for me or will help me. Anyway. I get offered the choice of being admitted or not. The place sounded like hell. Aa thought he could handle taking me home. So if my hand was broken i would go to the psych ward. If not i would go home. Reasoning - if i broke my hand my emotional issues are clearly bad enough that i need help but if my hand wasnt broken then aa should be able to handle me. My hand wasnt broken. I should have had the other hand xrayed instead though. It hurts worse and looks worse. Went to the doctor yesterday and got on some different meds. So far so good. Better anxiety meds and a better mood stabalizer. Hopefully itll work well. The mood stabalizer causes drowsiness and knocked me out like most of yesterday. Doctor said it should subside within a week. Ive been more alert today. Ive burned approximately 1257 calories and ive consumed about 1010 calories. Ive eaten a little less because aa ate a few bites of my toast. He takes big bites too. I suppose thats it for now. Im tired. I think im gonna go sleep in the parking lot where aa works until he gets off. Im planning on being home tomorrow through sunday morning so hopefully ill catch up on some blogs (as long as the internet works).
~kes

I'm going to go check into a psych ward tonight so I'll be gone for a while longer.

~Kes

So ive been at aas.  Aa has a job and has been training every morning this week. And he doesnt have a car but i do so my car is getting him to work. Ive been working out at the y some. I got fired from my job because of something really stupid.  My anxiety has been really high. Like all of my mental/emotional problems have been bad enough that i probably need a psych ward. Nothing looks like its getting better. I wanted to b/p one night and aa could understand that its an emotional thing for me. He kept telling me to eat a little of this and that and stop. He said it was because im starving myself. No. I would be craving one thing then and i would be ok with either a little or a healthier version. Like chocolate? If it was from being deprived fruit with a little melted chocolate or chocolate syrup would work. In a b/p situation it wont. Aa knows i have a blog but he doesnt quit understand what one is or why someone would have one. The picture? He said i could post it. Apparently he thought i meant facebook. No... But he said i could post another picture of him. I just gotta take one first. Hes also letting me eat once today. Normally he would make me eat twice. Because im supposed to take lithium twice a day. But i want on new pills. Its been kind of obvious that they arent working. So aa isnt making me take them so i can eat once today. I tried for nothing but he said a protien bar would be ok. Thats less than 200 calories so i guess it works. Im gonna go turn in some job apps and things later then hopefully go to the y to burn off those calories and then some. Anyway. I need to go feed animals and stuff. Hopefully i can catch up on some blogs tonight and tomorrow.
~Kes

Too much shit going on to talk about.  Internet keeps shitting out anyway.  I'm gonna be busy/gone for a week or so.  Just so you know.  Then I should be back and things should be better.

~Kes

aa sleeping... on his face...

So yesterday was horrible. Lets not talk about it... Not today anyway. Im doing an email post thing from my phone anyway. Im layingin the camper by aa. Hes sleeping. Ive been awake and mostly hyper since 3 am and its now about 640 am. Aa and i are going to go to the y and workout. I said i wanted to burn at least 500 cal before we left and aa said ok. He also said i can weigh 105 lbs and that he would help me get there. I may have or may not have said this but aa got a job. He has orientation tomorrow and trains next week all week and works 3 days a week after that. 12 hr shifts $13.05/hr. Its second shift. So hopefully with aas help my weight will get back on track. The y has a lot of classes i want to try. Calorie counting hasnt been working out too well but im thinking if i exercise enough i wont have to. Im bored out of my mind and blogger doesnt let me scroll so im limited on reading blogs. Aa talks in his sleep some. It can be funny. Apparently everything in my sister's cart was going to come to 17-something. And apparently she was buying new palmers? Aa said they were trees? My sister isnt the plant type really. I found it amusing at the time. Im so bored.... Theres also really shitty service out here. Im hungry too. Ive been hungry. In my opinion i did really good with serving sizes yesterday. Im trying to wait til 730 am to eat. Im not sure how much to eat. Ive got apples, kiwi, and yogurt. Maybe ill eat one of each and try to burn those off + 500? I dont know yet. We will see after aa wakes up. Or i wake him up which is more likely. I supposed ill end my ramblings. Ive been wanting to weigh in but i ate before i thought about it yesterday and aa doesnt think theres a scale here. Good thing because im not supposed to weigh in til monday. Anyway. Im going home later hopefully ill catch up on some blog reading.
~Kes

Starting today, I'm calorie counting as much as possible, taking diet pills, and exercising at least a little everyday.  Tomorrow I'm going to have AA show me exercises.  AA is ok with me losing weight as long as I eat twice a day and I'm somewhat healthy about it.  He doesn't know how many calories I need a day or how many a person should even eat, so his version of healthy might equal 750 calories.  I haven't quite figured it out yet.  I do know that he can't read the nutrition label to figure out calories in a container or anything.  But he likes sports and working out so he will be a good workout buddy.  And he will make sure I stick to it.  He is ok with me taking diet pills but I can't take as many as the bottle says.  Like my MetaboLife is 2 pills 3 times a day.  I can take 2 pills 2 times a day.  And Dexatrim is 2 pills 2 times a day.  He says I can take 1 pill 2 times a day.  I'm not sure if I should post what I eat on here or calorie counts or anything.  Comment and let me know what you think?  I'm thinking I'm going to weigh in once a week on Mondays and measure every 2 weeks or 4 weeks.  Not sure which yet....  It'll probably be every 2 because it'll be easier to keep track of.  Anyway, my weight and measurements from today:

Weight - 125 lbs

Measurements:

Upper arms - 11 inches

Forearms - 9 inches

Bust - 34.5 inches

Ribs (below bust) - 29 inches

Waist - 29.5 inches (I hope I'm just bloated - my waist should be smaller than my ribs...)

Hips - 34.5 inches

Butt - 36 inches

Thighs - 21 inches

Calves - 14 inches

Hopefully I'll have some good changes soon.  And AA and I will probably get a membership to the Y soon with a little help from my sister.  It's $39/mo for household (discounted for 15 months) with a $25 activation fee.  But with it being mid month we would have to pay for the rest of this month (discounted rate) and next month and it comes to like $75 total.  I don't want to pay that so my sister might pay $20 or $25 and she would get to go.  I told her after that I would pay every month and she could go for free. Ok my sister said she would do that.  Super happy.  :)  So I guess that's about it...  Thinspo!

~Kes

Kitty - I'm taking an antidepressant and lithium.  Lithium is supposed to help with bipolar but it kind of depends on how bad the bipolar is.

So Wednesday night I kind of blacked out as AA calls it.  I don't remember much after I left my parents house.  I remember about 1/2 the drive to Iowa and nothing else.  AA said we went and got gas and went to his mom's house.  He said I got irritated in the car and that I started to hit myself and that he had to hold me down at his mom's house.  I don't remember but he wouldn't lie to me.  He said he held me down for an hour before I calmed down enough to go to sleep.  All I know is my hand is bruised.  He said it was from me hitting myself.  It's not the first time I've not remembered doing something.  E's dad said I hit him one time.  I don't remember hitting him.  It was back when I was pregnant with E and we weren't having any problems.  He didn't have any reason to lie to me.

I showed AA pictures of thinspo and told him that I wanted to be that thin.  He said he was ok with most of them (there was like 1 or 2 out of like 15 that he wasn't ok with) and he said he would try to help me lose weight.  He said he isn't ok with me starving myself and that I have to eat twice a day.  Well, I'm supposed to take pills twice a day and they require food or milk (they make me puke if I don't) so I have to anyway.  So when I want the donut in the morning, AA is going to tell me I don't need it.  And AA is supposed to help me exercise and stuff.

I'm going to be home (without AA) after work tomorrow and I'll be home like all of Sunday and like all (or most) of Monday so I'll be catching up on most blogs.  E's supposed to be over too.  I haven't seen her since Christmas Eve.  Anyway, I'm gonna go shower and probably go to bed.

~Kes

AA is not taking his uncle's murder well.  He's sad.  And angry.  He broke down and cried again tonight.  I'm trying to hold him together but I can't.  I'm having enough trouble with my own emotions right now.  I was cleaning my room some and I found a folder from my first psych ward stay.  It had my discharge papers and they had my diagnosis.  I never read them before and the doctors at the psych ward never told me my diagnosis.  It had two.  One was other bipolar.  I've wondered in the past if I was bipolar or not.  I almost don't want to be.  But it makes sense.  Especially with how I've been.  Reckless.  Easily irritated.  Happy.  Angry.  Wanting to get high.  Wanting to cut.  Things like that.  It's not working out well.  I don't know what else to say.

~Kes

I'm going to spend as much time exercising tomorrow as I can.  Then I work 8:30-3 on Tuesday.  Then maybe work out some?  I'm sick of feeling fat and disgusting.  I need to get shit together.  I'm about to leave and get my hair cut (horrible split ends - and my hair needs re-dyed and I want it cut before I do that).  Then I'll clean my room some and then read blogs for at least an hour later.  And I will comment on every blog I read.  I promise.  I'll read the people who comment on mine first.  Anyway.  I gotta get ready to go so I can get shit done.

~Kes

Work has been bad.  Everything has been bad actually.  AA's uncle was murdered.  I've just kind of been at a loss as to what to do or say lately.

~Kes