Good chance I will still be here and not for the next few days.  I was wanting Wednesday to be like my starting over day, but things aren't going so well.  But an update.  Sort of.

Yesterday I ended up working 11 am until close (10:30 pm).  Because this one girl quit and I happened to have walked into the break room at the right time.  So I will have approximately 39.5 hours this week.  I took and hour long lunch because it would have put me like right at 40 and if something happened where I worked like 15 minutes late, it would be over time and people would get pissy.  I could have had a 30 minute lunch (off the clock) and to 15 minute breaks (on the clock), but I don't need people getting pissy.  I usually end up clocked in 2 minutes early and out like 2 minutes late anyway.  And yesterday morning I was super rushed.  I had to go to town to the bank so I could get some cash and deposit some change and such.  So when I got home it was pretty much time to leave for work.  So I had no breakfast.  Well, I might have had coffee or tea, I don't remember.  I didn't have time to grab any food for my break either.  So on break, I bought a bag of baby carrots and ate like 2/3 of it.  Got home and didn't eat anything.  I wasn't hungry and I was upset and things.  Maybe I'll explain some other why I was upset, but I might end up pissed off if I do now, and I'd like to keep my ok-ish mood.  So right now I have coffee and have some tea brewing.  I weighed 112.  Finally down from the dreaded 115 that I kept seeing.  Probably because of my period.  My plan is to have oatmeal (110) for breakfast and I'll have tea with some Splenda (for the vitamins) for my break and I'll have an apple (80-100 cals depending on the size) when I get off of work.  Then I'll come home and possibly eat whatever my mother has decided is for supper.  But I will have already had an apple, so a little room will already be taken up.  I want to get down to 110.  Then 109,108,107.  Then I may keep going depending on how I look and feel.  I should make a grocery list and do some shopping.  Like maybe tomorrow.  It's my day off but my sister is going to be using my car and I get whatever p.o.s. she's driving now.  She's going to go look at a car and doesn't trust p.o.s. to drive that far and the passenger's side door doesn't open and her boyfriend was thinking about going with her so yeah...  I may meet her over in Iowa and do my shopping.  I have to figure out my budget a little better yet.  I have it sort of figured out.
I'll give you a short version of the story that could piss me off.  I was already pissed off/crying/suicidal/needing pills/needing a razor.  So I called J and he said he wouldn't talk to me until I threw away all of my bad pills and my razors.  (I threw them away went I got home and sent him a pissed of text saying I did that.)  And he told me to make a bucket list and to tell him the next time I talk to him.  Which may be tonight but I'm not counting on it.  People came back and he said he would call me later and I asked when later was and he said tomorrow (which tomorrow is not today).  So if you lovelies could help make it, like, longer, that would be amazing.  So far:

1. Go rock climbing
2. Go white water rafting
3. Go to a rave
4. Go to Japan

That's what I have so far.  He says that they don't have to be something that is actually achievable.  Like I could have down that I want to meet someone that I probably would never meet.  But I'd like them all to be possible.

I think that's all for now.  I gotta get ready for work soon.  Hopefully tonight/tomorrow I can get caught up on most blogs?  Maybe...  I may or may not comment depending on my mood and how much catching up I feel like doing.

I did dye my hair.  I'll try to post a picture of the color either tonight or tomorrow or something.  I like it.  It's a dark red/brown color.  I want it cut yet.  Might do that tomorrow depending on the money situation and how much it would cost.

~Kes

I'm on a self-destructive path.  Give me a few days.  I'll explain.  Don't worry because I will be fine.  I just have some stuff I need to deal with and get out of my system so I can start over a new.  Wednesday.  That's the day.  It's not too far away.  I'll be back.  I promise.  I've got a few changes to make.  I've got a lot of thinking to do.  I'm high (again) right now.  So this is short.  Wednesday is a new start though.  J made me promise.  I hope you lovelies understand.  I'll explain it all.  Probably in multiple posts though.  But I love you lovelies.  I don't say that often, but it's true.  Thank you for sticking with me through the thick and thin.  You girls (and guys if there are any) mean so much to me.

~Kes

Something a little different.  Kind of like a story only it's short.  Yeah...  My weight was 115 last I checked.  I think that was yesterday.  Haven't been able to keep track of calories because my mother refuses to cook.  Yesterday was just bad in general.  So I don't really feel like talking.  Maybe later.  The little girl is coming over and I work 9-2 today and tomorrow.  My mother is getting her at 10 and probably take her back at 4 tomorrow.  I was thinking about doing a little shopping today after work.  I gotta go get ready for work.  I might might post more later.  Or not.  Who knows?  I don't have time for thinspo.  I'll at least do that later.

She sits staring blankly.  Cigarette in hand.  Inhaling the chemical mixture.  Lungs tightening.  Suffocating.  She exhales with a cloud of smoke.  Blood shot eyes.  How much longer now?  One hour and twelve minutes.  She smokes the cigarette until it is gone.  She picks up another and lights it.  Just five left.  Inhale.  Lungs tighten.  Exhale.  Repeat.  Her bag is packed and ready to go.  But she's not.  She will never be ready.  Is anyone ever truly ready though?  She keeps smoking.  It calms her nerves a little.

She picks up the last cigarette.  The last one.  She wonders if she will ever get one again.  She lights it.  Inhale.  Suffocate.  Exhale.  Just twenty-three minutes.

A car pulls into the drive.  She grabs her bag and heads out the door.  Slightly shaking inside.  The anxiety is slowly taking over.  She hides it well though.  She gets in the car and they speed away to the train station.

She get out.  Just seven more minutes.

Six.

Five.

Four.  She feel the anxiety taking a hold.  She can't hide it anymore.

Three.

Two.  She hears the train pulling in.  She digs out her ticket.

One.

She stands up and hands the man her ticket and gets on.  Just fourteen hours.  Hopefully.

The train heads out.  Moving slowly.  She sits next to a window staring out.  Anxiety has control.  Time for a pill.  She opens a bottle of water and takes a drink.  She digs out her pills.  One pill slides down her throat with the help of water.  And then one more.  She puts away the pills and water.

Her anxiety subsides.  She craves a cigarette though.  Too bad there isn't a smoke stop for another three and a half hours.

She sits staring out the window.  Darkness begins creeping in.  She curls up and goes to sleep.

She awakes in Nebraska.  Apparently the train had some electrical problems and had to wait for repairs.  Running behind schedule.  Middle of nowhere.  The train is moving though.  As fast as it can.  Two hours late.

One hour and forty-one minutes late.

Fifty-six minutes late.

Through Colorado.

Forty-eight minutes late.

Denver.

She grabs her bag.  Ready to make her departure into her new world.  Her new life.

She gets off the train.  They're there waiting for her.  She walks over to them and they head out.  The get in the car and head off.

Loveland.  That's her new home.  At least for tonight.

Breakfast - peach (65)
Snack - peach (65)
Lunch - peach (65)
Snack - green beans (75)
Snack - Cocoa Puffs cereal (200)
Supper - Cinnamon Toast Crunch (250)
Snack - ice cream (200)

Total - 920

4115/7350 calories

We had some peaches that either needed to be eaten or thrown away yesterday.  So I ate them.

I went for a 20 minute walk.  I ran a little.  The little Chunky dog couldn't handle it.  He got tired.  It was fairly cool until the sun came out.  Then it warmed right up.  I was sweaty when I got home.  I also have a skinned up/bruised calf/ankle area from a cart at work.  I kinda tried to run myself over with it.  So it was hurting during the walk.  And someone down the road was burning whatever and it was a smoky mess.  There wasn't much of a breeze so it kinda made it worse.  I'm allergic to smoke, so I didn't really want to have to walk by there 2 more times just so I could go on a longer walk.

My exercise total currently is 1 hour and 35 minutes out of 3 hours and 30 minutes.  Just 1 hour and 55 minutes to go.  I'll try to get in 30 today and hopefully 45 minutes tomorrow.

I work 2-6 today.  I'm going to go to town and do some shopping and then come home and get ready for work and then go to work.  I may or may not have time to read/comment on blogs before work.  Last night I had cramps (which I almost never have - I've had cramps 3 times in my life) so I read blogs but didn't really comment because they hurt really bad (when I get cramps, it's like childbirth contractions bad).  So I have to call Planned Parenthood today to see about an appointment for bc.  So I'll try to read and comment after work, unless I get time earlier.  I'm thinking about getting a girl's large or extra large shirt for motivation.  I'm also going to try to not eat until I get home from work.  I'm going to drink tea and water and take my Xenadrine.  Although, I may eat before work if my sister is still home.  She came over yesterday and went and hung out with friends and such.  My sister's Facebook status from last night before they left:

Mothers words of wisdom for tonight "if anyone so drunk they have to sleep in a car make sure you crack the window"


In reference to the last time my sister went out and her friend got super drunk and passed out in the car and I wasn't awake to help drag her in, so she slept in the car.


I think that's it...  I'll try to weigh in tomorrow.  But I don't know if I will have lost anything because of my horrid womanlies as so many of you call them.  I still feel super bloated and fat from it.


I never got around to making that page yesterday.  Maybe later today or tomorrow?

I had the picture uploader thing say that the server rejected on of my photos.  WTF?!  Oh, well.  That's why there's 9 pictures though.


~Kes

Welcome new followers!  If I'm not following you and you want me to follow you, leave a comment.

Yesterday's intake:

Breakfast - Oatmeal (110)
Lunch - Greek yogurt (140)
Snack - brownie (300)
Supper - baked potato (150) with broccoli (40) and cheese (80)

Total - 820 calories.

3195/7350 calories for the week.

Not as good as I wanted, but not too bad.  I guessed at the brownie.  I'll have to calculate it some time to find the calories out.  It averages out to about 1065 calories a day.  A little over, but not bad considering one day was like 1500 calories.

I walked for 45 minutes before work along with 5 more minutes of various strength exercises.  And at 8 pm I went for another 25 minute walk.  I ran a little bit because I felt like it.  I would guess I ran a 1/4 mile total?

1.25/3.5 hours of exercise for the week done.

I had 1 bottle of water and 5 cups of tea.  I like tea.  It tastes better than water.  And it has antioxidants and caffeine.  Boost metabolism (just a little, but it's better than nothing).  And supposedly some of it hydrates better than water.  All the more reason for me to drink tea...  Put in a Splenda packet with B vitamins and I get an extra boost for 0 calories.  :)

So I got my liquids for the day.

I'll probably make a page for my diet plan thing.  I deleted the other two pages.  I think I did that yesterday.  I never did exercise like I said I would and that was a shitty version of an "about me" sort of story.

Today is my day off of work.  I'm so glad.  My period started yesterday.  AGAIN.  I've had 3 periods in the past 7 weeks.  Time to get on some birth control or become a man.  Birth control would probably be easier though.  I weighed just under 115 again today.  Like the line was right under the 115 mark.  I think I'm bloated.  I normally don't have to take pain killers because of period problems but today I did.  I was just so achy and sore and I hurt and everything.

I'm planning on going for a walk soon.  Hopefully for 30 minutes and then another 30 minute one later.  Maybe do a little running.  If I feel like it.  I might go rummage through the garage and see if I can find my 10 lb weights.  They're out there somewhere... Or I might just clean my room so that I can have more room to exercise before I go try to find them.  I'd probably end up dragging in a bunch of my other stuff anyway.  And then have a bigger mess to try to clean/organize...

I need to shower today sometime too.  My mother is going to bake some apple crisp for my sister to take with her when she goes and sees some friends tonight.  I'm hoping there are a few left over apples so I can have some more fruit around here.

I haven't talked to AA.  He's either ignoring me or he lost/broke his phone.  And J is just like being weird.  He's being like quite reserved/distant/emotionless/ect.  I don't know if I did something or what.  I don't like it. So we don't really talk.

Apparently Monday night, K-Mart caught on fire.  Like where the pallets are.  I wasn't working.  But I guess all of the employees had to stay there until the fire marshal left which was like after midnight.  That would have really sucked.  That was already a shitty day as it was.  It sucked that I still had to work the next day.  Oh, well.  At least I get money...

Xenadrine costs about $18 for 60 pills.  I bought mine on clearance at Wal-Mart for $9.  There's one with caffeine but I have the caffeine-free ones.

~Kes

Yesterday's intake:
Breakfast - oatmeal (110)
Lunch - ravioli (450-ish)
Nothing before or during work
No supper
Snack before bed - peach (65) and watermelon (50) and a brownie (200)

Total - 875

Added with Sunday's intake and I've had 2375/7350.  I took 8 Xenadrine yesterday.  It took me an hour to eat the oatmeal.  I really didn't want to finish it, but I didn't want to throw it away either.  I had 5 cups of tea and 2 bottles of water yesterday too.

I've had one cup of tea with Xenadrine so far.  I'm going to eat oatmeal (110) again.  And there's 2 slices of pizza left over from the other night.  I'll eat those for lunch.  I'll fee like most of the cheese and sausage on it to the animal.  So it'll probably be 250 cals for what I eat.  If I have time, I'll eat 1/2 cup of Greek yogurt (90) before work.  I'm not going to eat during my break.  Supper is unknown.  If I can, I'll have either a peach, watermelon or Greek yogurt or some combination of the 3.  I'm hoping to stay under 800 calories today.  I'm not all that hungry, but I did take Xenadrine like 25 minutes ago.  They are working really well to suppress my appetite.  Next time I buy diet pills, I'll probably buy the Xenadrine with caffeine.  If I have the money and I buy more diet pills.  After a couple more paychecks, I need to make a budget.
I want a new phone but the phone I want, I have to change my phone plan.  So I have to figure a lot out.  I want to take like 1 or 2 college courses like next August.  I was thinking about Engineering Graphics sort of thing.  I need to budget in a college class or two.  I would guess $450+ for the class?  It would actually depend on the school I went to.  But when I had my scholarship, it was from WYSE and I did the Engineering Graphics test and did well enough to get a scholarship.  Full tuition paid.  For a test on a subject that wasn't even offered at my high school.  I'm not much of a book learner.  I can look at certain things and figure them out without any prior knowledge (depending on what it is).  The Engineering Graphics test was full of questions where you were shown 2 or 3 sides of an object and you had to figure out what another side would look like.  I can be smart, but I just don't find a lot of things interesting.  I learned origami by just looking at pictures.  Since I apparently have a mind that works well with engineering graphics, I might as well take a class or two and see if I like it.  One or two classes wouldn't be a complete waste.  Money shouldn't be an issue if it's just one or two courses.  Although I may try for a spring or summer class if I have the money then.  It'll mean that I can't move as soon, but if I get an Associate's degree before I move where ever, it might help a lot in finding a job.  Or I could see if K-Mart could/would transfer me.  So much to think about/decide.  How about some thinspo and no more rambling.  I refuse to talk about work yesterday.  I may talk about a few things tomorrow.  I work my 2-5 shift.  I didn't end up being the one to close for the girl who asked me to close for her.  Confusingness.

I need to save some more thinspo.  I'm kinda getting low.   I've got like 200 pictures left, but I'd like to have like 500 more pictures save.  And I gotta delete the old.
~Kes
I think I'm going to choke down oatmeal and then dance/exercise for like an hour.

These are the hair cuts that I like.  The last two pictures are the same haircut styled two ways.  Although, you could probably figure that out...  If I dye my hair (which I plan to), I would dye it a dark reddish brown color.

And my hair currently looks like this:

My hair is a little longer than it looks in the picture (which I'm too lazy to turn).  Best picture I can find and I'm a little too lazy to go straighten my hair and try to take a picture since I already had a picture on my camera.  It's not the pest picture, but it's not the worst.

When I painted my toenails, I painted them this color:

And how about a random picture of my mother's cat drinking out of a garden hose.

I can't really think of anything else to put in this post.  I need to shower anyway.

~Kes