I weighed more than 115 this morning.  I don't want to say how much more.  I really should fast, but I kinda think I should restrict and I'll fast tomorrow.  I have to go pay my phone tomorrow so I'll have to leave early, so I should be able to get away with fasting.  I'm aiming for less than 500, but definitely less than 800, today.  And tomorrow I will fast all day and then hopefully up until supper Friday.  If my fast starts at midnight tonight and I fast all day tomorrow (24 hours) and through 6 pm tomorrow (another 18 hours and that's usually when supper is), I will have fasted for 42 hours.  I should be able to make it through the 24 hours and I'm really hoping I can make it through all 42 hours.  I will allow myself drinks with less than 10 calories per serving.  I think 250 calories max for those 42 hours.  It'll encourage me to drink more tea and water that way.  I'm taking food to work to eat so my calories can be easily monitored.  I'll write down what I eat and how many calories.  And tomorrow, I'll get lost in some blogs tomorrow as a distraction and maybe watch some Hulu or something.  Has any used Hulu Plus and Netflix?  I'm wondering which one is better.  But anyway, I'll weigh in again tomorrow morning and Friday morning and hopefully I'll be down.
Sorry for the kind of random back and forth thinking.  I'm only like half awake right now.  I hope that made sense...

~Kes

Welcome new followers.  Sorry I'm terrible at the whole welcoming thing.  I just end up typing and get side tracked and forget and then think of it after I publish the post and then think "I'll just do it next time" and the same thing happens and then it keep happening....
Anyway...
I'm not waiting to see AA because of my weight.  I would LIKE to be 112 or less, but if I'm not 112, then I'm not.  I'm waiting like 2 weeks because AA is gone for a week and I work.  AA's phone is shut off so the only way I can talk to him is on Facebook.  So things need to be planned.  It's going to be like a 3 hour drive to go see him and then 3 more hours back so I would have to do it on my day off.  I work the rest of this week and AA is gone Thursday until like next Tuesday or Wednesday.  So if I get Mondays off, he will be gone on my next day off so it would have to be the week after that.  So the 19th would be the easiest and best day to see him.  It's about convenience, not weight.  If I weigh 112, that would be great, but even if I weighed 125 pounds, I would still go.  I would LIKE to be 112 and there is enough time for me to get to that weight, but I didn't pick that date so that I could have time to lose weight.  I was hoping to go see him Monday until he told me he would be gone so then I had to push it back another week.  Apparently a lot of people got confused on that.
I ended up going shopping with my sister yesterday and then ended up in a really shitty mood yesterday so I kinda quit reading/commenting/blogging yesterday.  I was in a bad mood earlier and I was working so I haven't been around today.  Right now I'm kinda in a neutral sort of mood.  I need to shower and go to bed though.  I mainly got on here to clarify the AA thing and to let you all know that I will be working 10 am until 10:30 pm tomorrow so I won't be around.  But maybe the day after?  I'm planning on weighing myself tomorrow morning. If the scale says 116 or above, I'm liquid fasting tomorrow.  Meaning less than 250 calories from liquids.  If the scale says 115 or less, I'm going to have about 700 calories from food (Greek yogurt for breakfast, a noodle bowl thing for lunch and a noodle bowl thing for supper) and probably 150 calories from drinks.  And depending on how that goes, I'll do the Thursday afternoon through Friday afternoon fast.  I need to feel like I can control something.  The fasting is for more than just weight loss.  I need to know that I can control myself.  I'm hoping it will give me a renewed determination to kick my addictions' asses.  I found myself looking up OTC drugs that can get a person high.  Just to find none that sounded like they would do what I wanted.  And I found myself wanting to cut earlier today too.  I need a renewed determination to fix my half-assed plan and to actually put in the effort and everything.  I'd have to want to bad enough.  I need to want to do it again.  I need to keep track of when I get triggered and what triggers me so I can figure out what to do.  I never thought about what I would do if I wanted to cut or take pills/drugs while I was at work.  I never planned that so my plan failed pretty much right away.  Like I said, it was half-assed.  J was supposed help me revise it and shit and he never did.  He just told me it looked fine.  So yeah...  Anyway, I would like to be able to read and comment on blogs, but I won't have much time.  I've been waking up at 7 am everyday.  I'm trying to get on a normal sleep/wake cycle.  Like wake up at 7 am and go to bed at like 11 pm is my goal.  But right now, it's usually bed at 10 because I'm tired from waking up at 7 and I've been waking up a couple times during the night.  I'm hoping that it will help me be able to schedule blogging time and exercise time and everything eventually.
This posts just somehow feels unlike my other posts for some reason.  Maybe it's my mood... I don't know.  It doesn't really matter.  I'll post pictures of the stuff I bought shopping yesterday and the day before when I get the chance to do a post again.  It seems like so much work right now...  I might do a quick update in the morning with my weight and whether or not I'm fasting, but it'll be short.  I'll probably do pictures Thursday...
Ok, enough of my ramblings and nonsensical whatnots...

~Kes

And:  What's your favorite piece(s) of exercise equipment that costs $25 or less?  I want to buy some but I don't know if I should buy some weights or kettlebells or resistance bands or an exercise dvd or what.  I need something to motivate me to workout.

I'm hoping to read and comment on blogs tomorrow.  I don't have to work so I'll try to get caught up and everything.
Food has not been good.  And since my mom took vacation time off work, she's been home so I haven't gotten to weigh in.  I probably wouldn't want to anyway.  I might weigh in Tuesday and check the damage, but I may wait.  It'll probably depend on how tomorrow goes...
I'm planning on going and visiting AA sometime in the next few weeks.  I want to be 112 or less by then.  But it might be 2 or 3 weeks yet, so nothing to worry about.  Yet...  He's going to be gone from like the 8th until like the 13th so I might go see him on like the 18th or 19th or something.  It kind of depends on what works out.  I'm hoping he can help me figure things out and make a good plan to get everything on track.
I'm thinking about fasting (planning on it, but plans may change if my work schedule changes) from when I wake up (7 am-ish) Thursday morning until like 5 or 6 pm on Friday.  I work from 4 until close Thursday so I should be able to do it.  And Friday I work from 10-4 so I'll eat supper when my parents do on Friday but no food until then.  Gum and drinks less than 5 calories per cup are allowed.  I might keep something like a cereal bar in the glove box of my car or in my purse or something just in case I feel like I'm going to pass out, but I want to keep it pretty much out of sight.
I bought some stuff after work today.  A shirt, a pair of earrings (long dangle-y with pink feathers), a shirt for work, a reusable water bottle thing, a small blue 7" skillet, a small green 6.5" sandwich griddle thing, and some make up.  I might post some pictures tomorrow or the day after.  I'm lazy right now...  And I bought some feather hair extensions off of eBay.  I should be getting them either Friday or Saturday.  Maybe sooner, maybe later.  Can't ever tell when you live in the middle of nowhere....
Yesterday there was a really bad storm while I was at work.  Torrential rains and 60 mph winds.  It was like 1 hour until I was supposed to get off work.  I decided to (jokingly) ask if I could go outside to get carts.  A few people look at me weird and say I can if I really wanted to.  I told them I was joking.  And 10 minutes later this girl who does the clothes and shoes and things decides it sounds like fun to go get the carts, so we go and get them.  She had already ran out to her car once to get something so she was already wet.  So we go out and get carts.  The water was halfway up our shins in part of the parking lot.  And then there was a cart stranded over by employee parking so we decide to go get it.  The water over there was up to out knees.  It was quite fun though.  I have a picture on my phone of me after we got the carts.  I tried to set up mobile on my blog and text it on here, but it wouldn't let me.  Stupid US Cellular...
Weightless had wanted me to link her to a post that explained the whole married thing.  I couldn't find one.  I think there is one, but I gave up looking.  I'll just explain in this post.  Ok so, D is my husband.  I met him on the internet back in like November/December and I met him like in person in December.  He lived fairly close by (about 40 miles away).  He lives with his brother (he did when I met him and he has the whole time I've known him).  And now they live like 25 miles away.  D is from Ghana and moved to the US.  He got his Bachelor's degree in Ghana and was wanting to get his Master's degree.  Before I met D, he worked at a factory and was saving money and he was planning on going to school.  D ended up exhausted and ended up in the hospital.  All of the money he saved ended up going to pay his hospital bills.  As long as I've known D, he's never really worked much.  He kept telling me he was trying to regain his strength.  With D being from Ghana, he needed to do something (like get married) to stay here because he has been here for like 2 years.  So I married him thinking he would actually get a job like he kept saying he would and do all of the things (like meet my family and start saving money for school) he said he was going to do.  I married him him April.  He keeps getting job offers and he will occasionally take one (he keeps claiming he's waiting for something better) and then he will quit the job after like 2 weeks.  And he bitches about everything.  He's over dramatic.  He has to have expensive clothes and shoes and shit.  Like he's super high maintenance and I'm ok with the $10 jeans and $5 shirts and $15 shoes and everything so it clashes.  There are a lot of things that just don't work and it's not worth trying to fix the relationship.  I'm not allowed to tell anyone about being married.  He never wanted anyone to know that I was dating him.  And he didn't want anyone to know that he's 5 years older than me.  I just want a divorce.

~Kes

Depression.  Anxiety.  Hectic-ness.  So much going on.  My grandma had surgery yesterday.  I've made a realization and I need some time to think.  My family is being annoying.  I can't make a joke without people taking everything too seriously.  So I get yelled at.  I don't want to talk.  I just want to disappear.

Why am I not dead yet?

~Kes