Stuck

I've been stuck somewhere between 122 and 123 for like a week and a half to two weeks.  My weight doesn't really seem to budge.  Considering that I've binged several times (and purged) it isn't completely terrible.  It's a lot better than gaining.  I really need to quit eating so fucking much.  And exercising more.  I've probably ate around 1200 cals today.  Not too bad, but not too good, either.  I'll just leave it short today.  Not too much to say.  And I got a stoner texting me.  No, I don't have "mo green" and I never had any so try someone else.

~Kes

Binge Binge Binge

I binged.  Then I purged.  Some of it anyway.  I know it wasn't all of it.  I never purge up everything.  My body makes it too difficult.  And I'm too afraid to have blood come up.  Or end up like breaking a blood vessel in my face or something like that and ending up with an obvious bruise.  I also really don't want to die purging.  Or even sometime after.  I don't want to like end up with internal bleeding and die or anything like that.  I'm still fat.  I had potential to do good today.  But I failed majorly.  No more food tonight.  I've probably consumed 2000 cals or more today.  I'm fat and worthless.  I should have just suffered with a painful tooth.  But no.  I had to go to the dentist because I apparently have a low pain tolerance and had to have something done about it.  It had been keeping me from eating too much.  But then I got it sort of fixed.  And now it doesn't really hurt.  And my fat face said feed me.  So I did.  Why?  Because I'm a fat, worthless, good-for-nothing pig.  I need to quit binging.  I need to get a good job so I can have extra money so I can move out and live on my own or with my boyfriend so I can limit what food there is for me to eat.  If I live by myself I would have very little food.  Mostly veggies and low cal fruits.  I would be able to eat super healthy and eat like 500-700 cals a day no problem because if I wanted to binge, I would only be able to binge on veggies.  I would eat like 150 cals of veggies and be stuffed.  If I lived with my boyfriend there would be more food around but most I wouldn't eat much of.  He eats a lot of rice and spicy foods.  And things that I don't know what they are.  So it would be easy to at least stay under 1000 cals a day.  And living alone or with my boyfriend I would be able to at least get some exercise.  So, things I need to do in no particular order:
1. Eat healthier
2. Eat less
3. Exercise more
4. Lose 25 pounds
5. Get a better job (one that pays more and/or gives me more hours and/or better hours)
6. Get an apartment and move out
7. Be happier

So I was pissed at myself for binging but now I'm not so much.  I know what I need to do to get skinny and happy.  And I kind of have a slight hope for the future.  And tomorrow is another day.  I have a chance to make tomorrow a good day so I will try my hardest.  Harder than I did today.

~Kes

Still Kind of Worthless...

I did manage to skip supper last night.  I went to see my boyfriend.  He didn't make me eat.  I told him that I didn't want to.  He didn't even try to make me eat.  He offered me food but he was ok with me saying no.  So last night went ok.  I didn't clean.  I read blogs instead.  Today hasn't gone too good.  Food-wise ok so far.  Exercise-wise horrible.  I haven't exercised.  My sister has been here so I couldn't.  She left as I was typing this. I also haven't exercised because I have a tooth that is killing me.  It started hurting Sunday night. It hurt yesterday but it just keeps getting worse.  And OTC pain meds aren't working anymore.  If they are working some, I'd hate to know how bad my tooth would hurt without them.  It's been giving me a headache.  If I workout I might end up hurting worse.  So I might do crunches or something.  Won't burn many calories but it's something.  I go to the dentist later today.  Actually about 2 1/2 hours.  Since my tooth hurt it's kind of kept me from stuffing my fat face.  I drank some Fuze (10) when I got up so I could take more pain pills.  Then 2 hours later I ate a granola bar(140).  It kind of hurt to eat.  Then like 1 1/2 hours later I ate half a bowl of cereal (65) with 1/2 cup milk (40) and 5 pretzels (30).  Total of 285 so far.  The cereal and pretzels hurt to eat.  And just sitting here my tooth hurts.  I took my monroe out because I thought it might help make my tooth not hurt.  Not so sure that it's working.  I might put it back in after the dentist.  Granted my mouth doesn't end up really swollen or anything.  Hopefully I can get away with not eating much for the rest of the day.  I would love to stay under 700 cals.  I think 700 cals a day sounds good.  I think I'll go do some simple exercises like crunches and squats.

Sorry for the constant bitching about my tooth.  It could have been worse though.  Believe me, it definitely could have been worse.

~Kes

Worthless Me

I've been worthless today. I've eaten way too much.  I should purge, but I can't.  My mom and my sister are around.  I can't get away with it.  I was doing fine food-wise until I got off work.  My mom gave me some money so I could get lunch.  So I ate.  A cheeseburger and fries.  the cheeseburger alone is 400 calories.  fries are probably like 300.  I had 350 calories before that.  And then I ate another granola bar when I got home.  So I've had like 1200 calories so far.  And it's not even 3 yet.  I might be able to skip dinner tonight.  If I don't eat anything else today, it wouldn't be too bad.  But it would still be bad.  I don't work tomorrow, so I will really try to restrict my calories to 700 and work out.  Cardio.  High intensity.  I need to burn about 1000 calories tomorrow.  More would be better.  Maybe exercise some tonight.  Maybe burn 200-300.  If my mom and sister  weren't around, I'd be doing some cardio right now.  My room needs cleaned.  Maybe I'll do that and hopefully burn off a decent amount of calories.  Distract me from stuffing my fat face more at least.  And I'll have space in my room to exercise.  I think I'll clean.  At least for a little while.

~KES