Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Binge Binge Binge

I binged.  Then I purged.  Some of it anyway.  I know it wasn't all of it.  I never purge up everything.  My body makes it too difficult.  And I'm too afraid to have blood come up.  Or end up like breaking a blood vessel in my face or something like that and ending up with an obvious bruise.  I also really don't want to die purging.  Or even sometime after.  I don't want to like end up with internal bleeding and die or anything like that.  I'm still fat.  I had potential to do good today.  But I failed majorly.  No more food tonight.  I've probably consumed 2000 cals or more today.  I'm fat and worthless.  I should have just suffered with a painful tooth.  But no.  I had to go to the dentist because I apparently have a low pain tolerance and had to have something done about it.  It had been keeping me from eating too much.  But then I got it sort of fixed.  And now it doesn't really hurt.  And my fat face said feed me.  So I did.  Why?  Because I'm a fat, worthless, good-for-nothing pig.  I need to quit binging.  I need to get a good job so I can have extra money so I can move out and live on my own or with my boyfriend so I can limit what food there is for me to eat.  If I live by myself I would have very little food.  Mostly veggies and low cal fruits.  I would be able to eat super healthy and eat like 500-700 cals a day no problem because if I wanted to binge, I would only be able to binge on veggies.  I would eat like 150 cals of veggies and be stuffed.  If I lived with my boyfriend there would be more food around but most I wouldn't eat much of.  He eats a lot of rice and spicy foods.  And things that I don't know what they are.  So it would be easy to at least stay under 1000 cals a day.  And living alone or with my boyfriend I would be able to at least get some exercise.  So, things I need to do in no particular order:
1. Eat healthier
2. Eat less
3. Exercise more
4. Lose 25 pounds
5. Get a better job (one that pays more and/or gives me more hours and/or better hours)
6. Get an apartment and move out
7. Be happier

So I was pissed at myself for binging but now I'm not so much.  I know what I need to do to get skinny and happy.  And I kind of have a slight hope for the future.  And tomorrow is another day.  I have a chance to make tomorrow a good day so I will try my hardest.  Harder than I did today.


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