Things aren't going well.  I got into a huge fight with that bitch that decided to put me through this hellish thing called life.  And well, I spent 3 hours walking around this little-ass town and the surrounding country roads because the bitch got all "it's my fucking car - you aren't leaving" and I was like whatthefuckever I'll fucking walk and she was like "no you're not".  Bitch.  I'll walk if I fucking want.  I'll be 20 in 1 week.  I can leave if I fucking want.  Otherwise it's unlawful imprisonment.  So now I have a bloody ankle/heel area because the shoes I wore rubbed and made blisters and I ended up bleeding.  Now my sock is gross and my shoe is slightly too.  But my shoes were brown so it isn't too bad.  I'm like craving drugs.  I may look into seeing if I can get some.  I'm thinking about fasting tomorrow.  I have orientation at 8 am until like 1 or 2 pm and then work at K-Mart from 3 until 10:30 so I could definitely fast.  So I think I will.  Being so pissed off and such killed my appetite.  I think I'm gonna shower and go to bed.  Sorry I never got around to reading and commenting on blogs.

~Kes

Scarlett had asked how I did the melted crayon thing a while back and I kinda forgot about it and I was thinking of it so a quick post to explain that.  Doing this on a newspaper-ed surface might be a good idea.  I used posterboard (but something like cloth canvas or other heavy paper that won't get super oily would work too).  Get your crayons and some containers so you can keep your colors separate and something to make crayon shavings with (scissors, a knife, handheld pencil sharpener, ect.).  Create crayon shaving and put them in the containers (you could also cut up some chunks but try to keep them fairly small).  It might be static-y (which make make things a little difficult).  Get two pieces of the paper or canvas or whatever you are using and it helps if they are the same size but they wouldn't have to be.  If you are using something like posterboard make sure you put the crayon shavings on the not shiny side otherwise it might not stick so well.  Put he crayon shavings on one piece in whatever design you want (I had attempted stripes, I doubt a picture would come out but you could try stripes or circles or something and see how it turns out) and put the other piece on top.  I wrapped the two pieces together with paper towels, you probably wouldn't have to.  Then using a hairdryer (a diffuser might be helpful - I used on because I thought it might make a mess if I didn't) melt the wax.  I put it on high heat and medium speed and just kind of set the hairdryer on top (the diffuser kept it standing) and moved it around slowly after it sat for a minute.  Then I flipped it over and did the other side but you probably wouldn't have to flip it over if you can get all of the crayon melted (it might take a while or not depending on the heat settings and everything).  Or if you have an old hair straightener you could try using that to melt it (I was going to try that but I don't have an old one and I don't want crayon wax on mine).  That's the basics.  Just kinda mess around with it and see what you get.  Pictures of mine are here and here.  I'm too lazy to upload them.  I gotta do some laundry and dishes and get a physical for my new job and work and blah blah blah yet today.  I ended up working 11 hours yesterday.  I might get a chance to read and comment on some blogs since I work 8-12 and then I have nothing else to do for the rest of the day.  I'll try to read/comment on the blogs of people who comment on mine first and then I'll work on other blogs after that.  So yeah...  Hectic = my life right now.  Hopefully it won't be so bad in a couple weeks (after my training for my other job is done and I start working there an working less at K-Mart).  And next month I plan on getting a new phone (like a smart phone on a contract) so I can hopefully do mobile blogging then.  That would make things a lot easier.  Anyway, I have stuff I gotta get done, so hopefully tomorrow.

~Kes

I'm gonna be working two 4 1/2 hours shifts at K-Mart today.  More money for me.  Not sure what I'm gonna do between shifts though.  It's gonna be easy to restrict today though.  I'm supposed to work with the new guy today.  The one who invited me to a party then didn't tell me where it was at.  But he didn't go to work yesterday so he might not go to work today.  K and I are thinking he got into some sort of trouble (like a fight or got arrested or something).  The higher ups aren't allowed to say why a person called in.  I ended up hooking up with the guy I hooked up with at the party again last night.  He's a little on the chubby side (if he lost like 20 lbs it would be nice - maybe a little more since he's tall) which I wasn't sure about, but he was fucking good.  And better yet, he smelled good too.  I kinda want to hook up with him again but he said he was going to be gone like all week so it'll probably have to wait until the weekend.  I had been thinking that AA would be pissed/upset/hurt that I hooked up with the guy at the party but he wasn't and I ended up hanging out with him after work Saturday and we hooked up.  I feel like a whore but I don't mind.
I need to figure out how to lose more weight.  But sex can be good exercise so at least hooking up might help me lose weight.  And maybe when I start working my other job I'll be too busy to eat too often?  Or at least I'm hoping restricting will be easier.  But working two jobs means blogging will probably be harder.  But I guess it would kind of depend on my work schedules.  I don't know my weight because both of my parents are home.  My mom's work schedule is confusing this month because someone had wanted time off so my mom had to cover for her and then that meant my mom had to take time off and blah blah blah.  So hopefully I'll be 114 or below when I get to weigh.

So I weighed 116 today.  Probably thanks to dehydration.  And my life is pretty much a hott mess.  And by that I mean it is pretty much just a mess.  There really isn't too much that's hott about it.  K invited me to a party last night so I went when I got off work and I got drunk and ended up hooking up with a guy and we exchanged numbers.  New guy at work had invited me to a party and I gave him my number and told him to text me later and let me know where it was but he didn't text me so I went to the party K was at instead.  And since I hooked up with that guy, AA probably won't date me now.  And my work shoes smell like beer and so does my car.  Beer got spilled in my car and my work shoes happen to have been in my car right where the beer was spilled.  So they are in the washer for the second time.  And I sprayed my car down with air freshener crap so I'm hoping that fixes that.  I look like death and I feel like death.  Anyway, I have a lot going on right now too so I haven't had much of a chance to read/comment on blogs and I probably won't be able to much for a while.  Sorry.

I'm not sure what to say.  I saw AA yesterday.  Talked with K some about the party.  Got my ugly sweat for an ugly sweater party.  Not sure when it will be but we are having one when J comes back on leave.  I have to get my TB test checked today and I need to set up a physical yet for my new job.  AA has my mind all jumbled.  I like him.  A lot.  I almost think I might love him...  As long as my mind is a complete jumbled mess, I probably won't be writing/typing much.  I just don't know what to say.  And I don't want to end up annoying by just talking about AA all the time.  As for my weight, I didn't get a chance to weigh in yesterday and today I think I'm bloated/retaining water because I'm up to like 119 where I was 116-117 two days ago.  2-3 lbs in 2 days can't be all fat.  Right?  Anyway, with hopefully over-estimations for most of the calories, I've had 3 Milkways (the caramel ones - 300 cals for 3), 1/2 cherry bagel with like 1/2 tablespoon margarine (it was less than 1/2 a bagel but I'll call it half - 175 for the bagel and the margarine was 35) and I had a bowl of corn, green beans, and broccoli with some soy sauce (I would guess 100 cal for corn, 45 for green beans, and 75 for broccoli and 40 for the say sauce).  That gives me a total of 770 calories.  And I think I'll take a Slimfast shake to work (180) just in case, but I'm gonna try not to drink it.  If I drink it, I'll be at 950 calories.  I've been cleaning some but I doubt I burned many calories.  I'll clean more when I get home.  And maybe do some actual exercising?  Maybe...  Now that I'm thinking about it, I have apples in my car yet.  I'll take one of those for work and I'll either have that or the Slimfast or nothing.  Sounds like a plan to me.

I started this this morning and didn't have time to finish so what I had typed this morning should be black (or at least different colored) and the rest should be blue.

So I messaged J about AA being back and he said he could/would get me certain pills/drugs.  I don't need to end up seriously addicted again.  Or overdosing.  And it's easier to talk to J because I didn't know what to say to AA.  Whether to tell him to never get me pills/drugs or what.  I texted AA later and told him if he gave me pills or drugs that I would have to do them there with him and made him promise not to give me any to take later when I'm not around him.  So J told me he is going to be coming back at the end of November for leave and then he's going to be going to Afghanistan after that.  He wants sex (with me) and told me he won't have sex with any serious users.  And I had told him I had been craving pills/drugs and I said that alcohol would work instead and he told me he was drinking right then.  And J made it sound like he wanted me to move out there.  I told him I'm not going to have the money soon and I'm not moving out there while he's in Afghanistan because AA will still be on probation so he can't leave Iowa and I don't want to move somewhere like SoCal without someone I know there with me.  It would be asking for trouble.  So he acted like he wanted me to when he came back from Afghanistan.  But AA will most likely still be on probation.  And well, I want to date AA I think.  And sex with J when he comes back for leave might kind of ruin that.  And I told K about some of the things the new guy at work has done and she said he probably likes me. And if he goes and parties with us on my birthday, my love life could get really complicated really fast because drunk me hits on guys.  New guy is in fact a guy.  So there's a good chance I'll end up hitting on him.  So I was wanting to ask AA to be my boyfriend but I think I'll wait until after my birthday?  I have no clue.  This whole situation is fucked up.  I don't want to hurt AA by sleeping with someone else.

So I worked 10-3 today.  While I was working D texted me once and called me 3 times.  First off, why can't he ever get the hint?  Even me blatantly saying to him that I don't want to talk to him, he still calls me and texts me for stupid reasons.  I.  Do.  NOT.  Want.  To.  See.  Him.  IDEGAF if he will be in town.  Leave me the fuck alone, D.  And so I had a voicemail.  Seeing 3 missed calls from D made me think it was from him.  I was in a pretty bad mood.  It wasn't from him.  That job I did the interview for, I got offered the morning position which was the one I wanted.  I got my TB test done today so I have to go back Friday for them to check it and get the result and I have to have a physical before orientation which is Oct. 13th.  I'm pretty happy though.  $9.15/hr and 27 hours a week.  I will be making over $900/month there.  If I work at K-Mart for like 15 hours a week, I'll make over $400/month there.  This could be very good for me.

So in other news, I weighed like 116-117 this morning.  I guess I would rather it stay the same than have a gain.  Supper with my parents is usually bad calorie-wise.  As was the case last night (and most likely tonight), so maintaining is acceptable I guess.  Tomorrow I will be restricting though because I'm planning on hanging out with AA after work so that means no supper with my parents.  AA is ok with me eating like twice a day.  He said that sometimes he eats only once a day so he's ok with me not eating often.

So more random pictures because I have a shit ton to post.

 Not sure whats with the spot in this picture.

 I thought my hair looked pretty good for the most part.  And happy?  I posted the one I'm smiling in.

 Normally I don't button this shirt but I did so you could see it better.  I already had it on and decided to take a picture of it one day.

 My mother's cat Grinch insisted on taking over my bed.  And those are my super comfy sweats.

 I'm currently too fat to wear this shirt, but I like it.

 I love sand lizards.

 The dried flowers on the left J gave me.  Well, they weren't dried when he gave them to me.  I dried them.  That was back when we were dating.  The other ones E's daddy gave me when I was dating him.  Again, I dried them.

 Some of my decorations.

 I also love dragons.  It's meant for cone incense things.  The smoke comes out of the dragons's mouths and ears.

 More decorations.

 I don't know if you've ever seen a picture made by putting crayons on canvas and melting them with a hairdryer, but it was a similar idea.  I was trying to make a more complicated picture but it didn't turn out how I wanted, but I still like it.

~Kes

I took two Dexatrim yesterday and that was it for diet pills.  And today I haven't taken any.  Mainly because I've been forgetting.  Probably because I've had AA on my mind a lot.  I told him last night that I didn't want to put a label on our relationship yet.  I'm just not quite ready.  After I see him a few more times, I'll probably be ready to call him my boyfriend.  As long as things keep going the way they are.  Everything just feels right with him though.  D called me yesterday wanting me to wire him money.  Fuck.No.  I don't wire money.  Don't even ask me to.  The dumbass lied about how much a job was going to pay.  He said it would be $9 or $10 per hour and then he said it was $8.  That's not bad.  20-25 mile drive.  Working for an hour would pay for the gas so the rest would be profit.  Instead he went to Iowa City (which is like 2.5 times as far away) for a job that pays $9 an hour.  So he would have to work for about 2 hours to pay for the gas to get there.  Dumbass.  He's supposedly has a bachelor's degree in economics so he should at least be able to figure out that he's wasting his time and money.  So I told him that if he needed money for gas to get to work that I would put the gas in his car (so I know for sure that the money went to gas).  No.Fucking.Way.Am.I.Wiring.Money.  So he went up to Iowa City and didn't tell me and said he was already there so I can't put the gas in his car.  Well, he fucked himself over.  I had no cash and my bank fucks me if I wire money.  So there's no fucking way.  And I know he won't pay me back for like eons.  So he fucked himself over with that one.  And he asked me how long I plan on working at K-Mart.  Apparently I can see the future?  And he asked if/when I could move and whether I wanted to move to Iowa City.  Again, I can apparently see the future?  I have no fucking clue how long I will be working at K-Mart.  Til I get a better job?  Til I move away?  I don't fucking know.  When am I moving?  I don't fucking know.  When am I going to have the money?  Do I want to live in Iowa City?  Uh, I've never been there dipshit.  And another dumbass question from D.  He asked me where I was.  I told him I was STANDING by the river on the riverbank out in the country.  His question - So are you driving?  Yes, I drive while standing.  And I drive on the riverbank.  Because that sounds safe.  AA found it entertaining.  And AA now knows that D is super nosy.  D called AA my boyfriend.  I hate when D automatically assumes any guy I talk to is my boyfriend.  That's what led me to say talk to AA about me not wanting to label our relationship yet.  We hugged for like 10 minutes before I kissed him that first time.  AA is ok with me losing some weight but I don't know what he would consider to be too much.  He said 10 lbs was fine when I asked him so that would put me somewhere around 106-108.  He's ok with me taking diet pills as long as I don't take too many.  If the box says 4 max a day, 4 is the most he wants me to take.  If the box says 8, then he doesn't want me to take more than 8.  He isn't ok with me purging or cutting.  But he is ok with me doing certain drugs/pills.  Which could be a problem.  The one drug I want to try (ecstasy) he won't let me do.  I should probably talk to AA and tell him to not get me pills or drugs ever.  Or maybe 1 or 2 (ok, maybe 3) times a year...  Ok, I'll shut up about AA before this entire post end up about him.
There's a guy that started at K-mart yesterday.  So I'll just call him new guy for now.  But I think he might like me but I suck at figuring out if a guy likes me or not.  Anyway, so I think he does.  And I told K that.  She said I should invite him to go to bars with me and her and other people for my birthday because he said he parties like every weekend.  I said I might tomorrow or something if I can do it in a non-awkward way.  K invited a guy from work.  I was going to say no guys because her now ex broke up with her and he was possibly going to go and AA can't leave Iowa unless his probation officer knows, but she invited her ex's like best friend and I don't care if he goes.  I don't give a fuck who goes anymore.  I'm getting drunk and probably going to hit on random guys.  But K is supposed to make sure they are good looking.  So that's going to probably end up interesting.  I don't think too much has happened other than that...  Ok I think I'll post personal pictures instead of thinspo tonight because I have a lot of non-thinspo pictures to post.  So random picture time.  And I have a shit ton more pictures yet too...

 Thought about wearing these shoes with the dress when I go out on my birthday, but I've got another pair that I'll probably wear instead.  These zip in back and are kinda harder to walk in so me drunk walking in these may be bad.  And I  may have trouble getting them off while drunk.

 It's a table runner that I have on my dresser but I put it on my bed because my sheet was white so you could see the design.

 It's a black tank with black gem/rhinestone things. It doesn't look as good in the picture but it's the best one I took.

And the other feathers I have for my hair.  I put the skinny orange on that's at the top of this picture in.  So I have those 10 plus the two from the above pictures with the feathers.

~Kes