Apparently I skipped a number when I was saving thinspo or something because (4?)89 did not exist.  Oh well.  It could have also been a file type that refused to show itself when I was uploading.  I normally type and then upload but today I didn't feel like it.  My weight has been crazy.  I'm up 2 lbs since yesterday.  WTF?  I go from 115 on Monday to 112 yesterday and now 114 today?  WTF?  I better be down again tomorrow.  I'm thinking Friday I will weigh myself and then not weight myself until Friday.  Although I'm not sure.  It could help me or it could totally screw things up.  Any opinions on that?  Should I do it?  Not do it?  Weigh in on Monday and then not weigh in until Friday?  Other option?  My eating hasn't been too good but I don't think it has been that bad.  Today was going well but then I ended up eating a ton of cereal.  I've probably had 600 calories so far.  But it's tacos for supper and my mother is frying tortilla shells for them because the normal taco shells were stale.  So than means today will be like 1200-1500 cals probably.  I have a boring life...  I have nothing to say.  Well, I don't want to end up pissed off so I'll wait to say it.  See how things go with some stuff and then I'll let you know.  Concerning AA, J, and D and a few other things.  Well, I guess that's it?  Thinspo.

~Kes

I'll tell you about QuickTrim again when I finish the bottle.  I only had half the bottle left.  If I remember right though it was about $25 for the two bottles and it's supposed to be 14 days worth but I've never taken them as directed and I wouldn't suggest taking them as directed anyway.
Is it odd that I am cold when the house is almost 80 degrees?  Like I want to curl up under a blanket downstairs out of the air conditioning.  Either I am getting sick or I am going to pretend to.  I'm not sure why I am cold but I am going to at least pretend to feel worse than I do.  I want to go devour a bag of fries and pasta and a bunch of other foods but I am resisting.  Mainly I don't feel like making anything because I am lazy.  I need to get a load of laundry in the washer but, again, I'm lazy.  I need to exercise yet.  I didn't exercise as much as I should have yesterday because I was pissed and stuff.  I don't really want to talk about it.  The good thing is I am down to 112 and I was 115 yesterday.  How did I end up weighing that much again?  I think I was mainly bloated and stuff.  I have slight anxiety for pretty much no reason but that's not unusual for me.  
AA was supposed to text me but he hasn't yet but I'm kinda guessing he will when he gets off work.  I sent J a message on Facebook (which is pretty much the main way I talk to him) and I'm hoping he responds the way I want him to.  I think he will but I'm kind of not sure.  I'm pretty sure it will at least be along the lines of him telling me to call him if I ever need anything or I'm ready to recover or whatever.  Something along those lines.
It's cold... I couldn't sleep worth a fuck last night.  I couldn't get comfortable.  I would lay on my side and I would start hurting.  My back, my knees, my hips, ect.  I would lay on my back and my back would hurt.  Stomach would make my neck hurt.  I'm sore as fuck today too.  I'm thinking I should have a big cup of hot tea. Maybe throw in some SlimFast...  I think I will when I'm done typing this.  It's more calories than I need but it could be worse.  I've had a brownie (~175) and 1/2 cup of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (~88).  ~263 calories so far.  I think I'll skip the SlimFast?  Just drink tea?  Probably better.  
I have nothing else that I want to talk about. Well, I would talk about it but I'll end up pissed and I'd rather be depressed than pissed because pissed makes me want to cut.  Depressed just means I'm depressed.  And yes I'm depressed.  Lack of sleep and things will do that to ya.  But I'm fine this way.  I'm used to it.  I'm not like super depressed.  Just depressed.  It's a lot better than being pissed off.

~Kes

You keep wanting to go lower, you're addicted to dieting, stop now, cold turkey or you'll always be unhealthy.

~J

Yes it is bad it could kill you.
~AA

Why do they think that I have a problem?  Maybe it's because I do have a problem, but it's not that bad... Yet.  J said that in response to me rambling about my weight.  However, when 90 lbs was my goal he said nothing but I weighed like 115-117 then.  That was in response to me wanting to weigh 103.  Although I wasn't sure.  I wasn't sure if I wanted my BMI to be below 18 or 17.5 or what.  It was basically typed word vomit ramblings and I sent it to him and I shouldn't have.  So now he thinks I need to stop.  I don't want to.  I can't.  It's not worth trying.  I can't stop until I'm ready to because I won't put in the effort.  I'm stubborn like that.  AA's was in response to me asking if it was really that bad if I ended up underweight.  It won't necessarily kill you to be underweight though.  It depends on how much underweight you are.  And I don't know that I would end up that much underweight.  Whatever.  I told AA to call me last night when he got the chance and either he's ignoring me or hasn't had the chance.  He hasn't texted me or anything.  And now I've had time to think and my stubborn bitch side has come out and I refuse to "recover".  Recover is in quotation marks (I had to look up what they were called... Pathetic... I seriously couldn't think of the words quotation marks) because I would have to pretend and definitely wouldn't put in the full effort needed and would "relapse".  You can't relapse if you don't recover so again quotation marks.  I have QuickTrim diet pills yet that I need to finish.  And Xenadrine to take when the QuickTrim is gone.  So why recover when I have diet pills sitting around?  I refuse to throw them away because I paid money for them.  If someone else paid for them, then I would consider throwing them away, but still probably wouldn't.  Speaking of the QuickTrim, I took them this morning.  Finally.  I'm going to take them again now.  I was supposed to start taking them like what? Two weeks ago?  Anyway, I'm going to take them every day.  Until I'm out of diet pills.  Hopefully by then I will be thin enough and have enough willpower that I don't need any more.  I also haven't come up with an exercise plan yet, but that will happen today.  And I will make a page that lists my exercise routine things.  And I will read and comment on blogs later today.  Workout plan must be made and today's exercises must be done and then I will.  I have to go to the dentist at 3.  I need to go to town to see about a job app at a pharmacy.  I need to fill out some online too but they can wait... So much to do today.  It'll keep me busy at least.  I want to see 110 by Friday.  Not sure if that will happen though.  It's still that time of the month and it's worse than usual.  Not sure why...  My body just hates me...  I mean, my period did start like a week early...  Actually, it's closer to two weeks I think...  Anyway, I'm still bloated and such.  I don't want to put my weight.  Maybe tomorrow or something...


My sister sold her car to her bf's dad and is driving her bf's car now.  She just bought that car and sold her old one like 2 or 3 months ago.  But she seems to think that she is making enough money that she can buy a fancier car now or whatever.  She's quite high maintenance but at least she will work and buy shit herself.  Last time I saw her it looked like she was about the same weight as the time before.  She's not skinny anymore.  She used to have a BMI that would put her as obese class 1 but she didn't look obese.  She had too much muscle.  That was when she played volleyball, basketball, and softball and would lift weights and shit.  I don't want to end up looking too muscular because there is a pretty good chance that it is in my genetics to end up putting on quite a bit of muscle.  I want to look tiny and delicate not big and strong.  Well, I'm out of things to say...  My life is uneventful.  But I was thinking about piercing my lower lip on the right side like right below my monroe.  Anyone have any opinions on that?  Or anything?  I want my lower lip pierced I think.  And some on my ears but I have to figure out which earrings I have that I could use sinceI have sensitive ears.  But if I do my lower lip below my monroe, should the two piercings match or would a white jeweled thing and a pink jeweled thing look ok?  I don't have two that are the same so if you all say to make them match, I would wait until I can afford two that are the same.  Although I could wait until I'm 109 and make it a reward...  But I still want to know if it would look ok below my monroe and if the two lip ring things should match.  So tell me!  As for my ears, I've gotta see what I have for earrings.  And I will probably post pictures with little dots drawn on and ask which spots to pierce.  Maybe tomorrow or Wednesday...  So yeah...  Rambling over.  Thinspo.

~Kes

Questions!  From Nasimiyu.


what do you consider as the absolute fattest weight you can acceptably be?
You mean now?  I don't want to have to go above 115 again.  And even that would seem like too much.  But if I was wanting another kid I would probably get my weight up to about 120 (in a healthy way) before I try so that I know my body is healthy enough to handle it.  But I don't want another for at least 5 years (or at least that's how I see things now). 


what part of your body do you like most? and dislike most?
Uh... I like my arms I guess.  They aren't that bad.  They used to be bigger but when I was pregnant all of my weight kinda went to my legs and stomach area and my arms got smaller.  I dislike a lot... My thighs are big, my butt is small and flat and I hate it, my stomach isn't flat and is covered in stretch marks (does anyone know any good lower ab exercises???  that's like my main stomach issue... I can't get that flat!!!), I don't like my boobs... I just wish they were like perkier?  (anyone know how to fix that?  without plastic surgery?)


would you every have plastic surgery if you had the chance to? what would you change?
I would get a tummy tuck (saggy stomach from being pregnant... it's all stretched out and gross looking) and I would get a boob lift.  I would get implants if my rib cage was bigger (like if I wore a 36 instead of a 32 I would).


do you ever wish you weren't disordered?
I do sometimes.  I wish I could just quit.  I have too many problems to be able to have good relationships with people (friendships, dating sort of relationships, family relationships, ect).  The anxiety and everything becomes too much to handle at once and I don't know how to deal with it.


if your family found out about your ED and intervened you and gave you an ultimatum, that you either get help or they'll cut ties with you, what would you do?
Cut ties.  I dislike my family like a lot.  I would rather get through all of my problems on my own.  I've been to counseling and been in inpatient for depression and cutting and suicide attempts and none of that ever helped.  I believe that you can't get better until you are ready to and want to.  If they made me go, it would end up being a waste of money and everyone's time because I would either still be disordered or end up disordered again.  I would rather fix everything on my own when I am ready not when people tell me to fix everything.


when you see a really fat person (i mean morbidly obese), do you feel pity for them or disgust?
It would depend on the situation.  When I was working at Burger King, families would come in and there would be like 5 in the family or whatever.  Like the parents and young (like 2 yrs - 7 yrs) kids.  And they would order a Triple Whopper meal (large size) for everyone in the family.  So the 2 yr olds would get a Triple Whopper meal.  And yes, the kids would be very big.  I would feel pity for the kids.  The adults I would feel disgust towards.  The adults were the ones making the kids fat.  The kids were too young to know that the food would make them fat and everything.  The kids don't know any better than to eat what they are given but the parents should know that what they are feeding their kids is making them fat and is not healthy for them.  I feel disgust if the person is old enough to know what is healthy and what isn't and can make their own choices.  If the person is young and can't make the choices I feel pity.  If a person is old enough to make their own choices and is eating a salad with full-fat dressing and drinking a large (non-diet) Pepsi or whatever I would feel disgust.  If they were eating a salad and had a side of healthy dressing and a water I would feel pity and hope that they manage to get back to a healthy weight.  So it really depends on the situation.


where do you get you thinspo?
Tumblr.  I follow fashion blogs and thinspo blogs and some like summer blogs or whatever.  I follow any kind of blog as long as there are what I would consider thinspo pictures.






A couple comment responses because I really don't have much to say and these are the ones that I could actual come up with something to say back to (if that makes sense):


Sarah - There are some dresses that can hide lumps and bumps and things.  Ruched dresses work for most body shapes and there are some others that will work depending on body shape.  I don't wear dresses that often though.  You've got plenty of time to find a dress and lose weight though.


nicky anabelle - I had braces but I don't remember if I purged then or not.  They weren't very fun to begin with.   It took like 4 years before I found out that you aren't supposed to brush your teeth for an hour after purging.  My teeth have so many problems...






Well, I'm tired.  I don't know my weight.  Uh...  I bakes brownies this morning.  Probably gonna try to do some exercising later since I haven't in like forever.  There was a kitten over here last night.  I want to name it Dotty because it has two dots on it's back.  It's mostly white with what looked like black on it's face and tail and those two dots.  But it ran off so I never got a good look.  It was really loud though so it could be a tomcat.  In which case, Dotty wouldn't be a good name.  I put Chunky's collar and leash on my sister's cat and took her outside last night.  She enjoyed it.  That cat is strange.  It has no idea what to do when she gets outside.  She was scared at first.  Well, that's all my excitement...

~Kes

I have too many things running through my mind.  And I forgot to welcome my new followers again!  Welcome!  So much running through my mind all of the sudden for no reason when I was going to read blogs and comment.  Maybe I can focus later.  I need to get some things figured out.... Tomorrow I will probably be fairly busy though.  I have to go to town to see about a job app and then dentist and I need to fill out more job apps and exercise (since I haven't been) and several other things.

This will be a boring post because I have nothing to talk about.

How old am I?  I'm 19.  I will be 20 in October.

I need to shower around 11:20 so in like 2 hours 20 minutes...

So bored.

No clue what I weigh, it's the weekend and my mom is home and I'm not weighing myself around anyone.  And I had to eat a lot of calories yesterday which was bad.  And it's still that time of the month so the could effect thing anyway.

No clue what to write.  I sort fought with AA through texts.  Texted J a very little.  He's going back to California though.  Not sure what is going on with anything.  I filled out two job apps in town yesterday.  One at a pharmacy and one at the court house.  No way I will get the one at the court house will my last name.  They know it all too well.  Not a good thing.  The pharmacy is a maybe but probably not.  I have to go back Monday to fill out one more.  At another pharmacy.  If they are hiring I have a good chance.  My dad knows the guy who owns it and the guy who is the pharmacist.  He taught them when they were in high school.  And I have a pharmacist to use as a reference.  It would be nice to have a good job like that.  It would get me on more stable ground and help me out a lot.  But it looks like I'm stuck hoping the K-Mart interview goes well (even though I don't want to work there).  And I go to the dentist Monday if I didn't mention that.  I had another filling fall out.  This one was broken.  It was right next to where I had the tooth pulled.  Motivation not to purge.  It hurts when anything gets in the spot where the filling was.  And if I purge I ruin my teeth more and them more broken fillings will come out/break more and even not broken ones will break and I'll get cavities and everything...

Well, that's all of the excitement in my life.  Tomorrow will be a worse (shorter, more boring) post most likely.  Because I don't talk about interviews until I know.  I don't want to jinx things so yeah...  You people can seriously ask me anything.  Anon or not.  Anything at all...  Doesn't even have to be about me...

~Kes

First off, everyone should check out this blog.  And then once you check it out, you might as well just follow.  Because I am a nice person.  Her blog was found and she explains it in the first post so follow!  And spread the word to other bloggers if you would like to too.

I weighed 112-113 this morning.  It's that time of the month though.  A week early.  >:(
I was thinking about doing some piercings.  I have a monroe on my right side and I was thinking about doing my lip right below it.  Yes?  No?  Other ideas?  I want another lip piercing.  If I do the one below the monroe, should the two lip ring things match?  Or would one white crystal and one pink crystal look fine or what?  And I was thinking about piercing my ears.  I have the lobes pierced once on each one.  I used to have them both pierced twice but I quit wearing earrings when my mom wouldn't let me get them pierced a third time.  So the second hole closed up then but the first hole I had had since I was 6 and the second hole I got when I was like 11 and I was like 12 when I wanted the 3rd.  I was thinking somewhere in the cartilage and like the middle where the lobe goes up and starts turning into cartilage.  Like right in there.  But I don't know what to do on which ear.  I may do everything on both and take out the ones that don't look right until I like the way it looks.  That'll just take more time though.  So we'll see.  Depends on what I have for earrings around here because I may need to buy some and then it depends on how much earrings cost.
I had a filling come out of a tooth.  Great.  Dentist Monday.  Fun, fun.
Second job interview at K-Mart Saturday.  At 2 pm.  My mother seemed to think that I shouldn't get a dentist appointment for Monday because if K-Mart hires me she insists they will want me to work Monday.  I think I can handle it.  "I have a dentist appointment Monday to get a filling fixed at 3 pm."  Wow, amazing.  I can formulate sentences.  My mother insists that you cannot ask for any time off from a job for any reason unless you have been there for at least 2 weeks.  I'm pretty sure that rule is shit.  It might work like that for some jobs, but depending on where you work and the reason for asking for time off, I see no reason to wait 2 weeks.  Cindy (old housekeeping boss) got pissed because I had cancelled a doctors appointment because my mom made me so I was taking these really shitty antidepressants and they were making me an emotional mess and I couldn't clean the rooms fast enough because they took energy out of me and everything and she said I should have kept the appointment and she would have found someone to trade hours with me.  I had only been working there for like a week when that happened.  So my mom's rule is shit.  Some situations/jobs it might be true but it's not true for every job.  Now she will yell at me when she finds out when my dentist appointment is but she can suck it.  She wanted me to schedule it for Tuesday so that I would be able to cancel it Monday if they were to hire me tomorrow during my interview and want me to start working Monday and Tuesday.  I'm guessing they will say they will call me and they will call me Monday or something like that and that Tuesday would be my first day of work.  I have to go to town later and grab some apps to fill out.  Not sure how many I want to do since it's so hot.  Although I could probably fill them out inside the grocery store in the cafe area or something.  I'm waiting until about 1:30-2 to leave though because the court house will be closed for lunch.
There was a groundhog in the yard yesterday.  I kinda wonder if he lives under the shed thing.  Skunks, raccoons, and not a groundhog.  What's next?
I think I'm out of stuff to talk about... So thinspo since I was too tired last night (I still am tired though).

~Kes

How about you can ask me anything you want (anon or not) and I will answer.  Just leave a comment about anything and everything.  I will answer.  You may not like my answer though.  And I may answer with a picture if it seems easier.  This is mainly because I am bored and probably won't post tomorrow because of the interview and I don't want to jinx anything.