Sick

I'm currently sick. Fever, sore throat, cough, stuffy nose. I've been drinking loads of juice. At least there's vitamins in it. And the sore throat is keeping me from wanting to eat so the juice is at least proving calories so I can hopefully get better because I am completely miserable. I had to work yesterday and then I started counseling at a new place. I really don't want to go to counseling but I don't like having ptsd flashbacks either. I couldn't tell the counselor everything. I just can't ever tell anyone everything. There's only been one person to validate what happened. Everyone else gives neutral or negative responses. Like 'Oh, ok' or 'You shouldn't have ___' and I stopped telling people what happened. It's been over 4 years. I was told by my last counselor that I was over it when I said just the very basics. I knew I wasn't over it but I knew that meant he wouldn't be helpful. So we'll see how things go with this counselor.

My weight is horrible. Hopefully being sick will help fix that since my throat hurts too much to eat. The weather is starting to get better also, so hopefully I can get outside and exercise soon. Hope everyone is having a good day.

~kes

Dread

Tomorrow I have an appointment to switch birth control. I have an iud which will need removed. Apparently I'm going to have to get a pap done too. FML. I have no one to take with me. Everyone I would have go with me is working. For those who didn't read this back in 2011 or simply forgot, I was held against my will and sexually assaulted. The ptsd has been causing horrible flashbacks recently. That is courtesy of my ex comparing me to the girl he moved on to. Her brother raped her and she's ok now and uses it as a strength and blah blah blah. No one should ever be raped. And no one should ever have their rape compared to someone elses because no two rapes are going to be exactly the same. I got blamed for it by family, friends, police, ect. Basically everyone said it was my fault and that I wanted ever event from that night to happen. I've never gotten proper counseling. I get told I need to see a psychiatrist and put on so many meds I'm no longer a person. His new girl didn't tell her family or anyone and hasn't tried seeking help. Then later he told me she isn't ok and doesn't use it as a strength. Thanks for triggering weeks of flashbacks asshole. It had been a year since I had had any issues. Now it's daily. Now I can barely function without anxiety meds. I honestly don't know if I can make it through my appointment tomorrow. I really just want to cancel it. I have no idea what to do.... I haven't had anyone to like actually talk to about it. I was planning on getting a referral for a counselor that I actually know and I know won't just try to shove pills down my throat but I honestly don't think I can go through with the appointment.....

So.... Yeah...

It's been a bit... I dated a guy for over 2 years and we broke up and I've been busy moving and and trying to get my things and whatnot. It's been stressful and it has not been easy at all. He instantly had a new girl. But he gets super mad when he finds out I'm interested in a new guy and shit. I really like this new guy but my ex just tears me down and destroys me and calls him my fuck buddy and says all that matters to me is sex and that the guy I like only wants sex. It's horrible. I spend some days crying all day because of how mean he can be to me. My weight has been fluctuating because of the stress and my period that decided to start. Some days I barely eat because I'm just not hungry. Some days I don't realize I haven't eaten til my stomach growls. Some days I just keep shoving food into my face thinking it will somehow relieve the stress. Hopefully today will be the last day that I have to deal with my ex. I'm getting the last of my stuff and I'm getting a new phone and a new phone number. Everyone tells me to just block his number. I don't think anyone realizes that without a restraining order I can only keep his calls from ringing. They would go straight to voicemail and it'll show missed calls from him and all of his texts will still go through as normal. The guy I like now has been great. He's done a lot to keep me sane. He calmed me down with 2 texts when I wanted to cut. I don't know of anyone calming me down that quickly. I really want him to stay in my life. He means a lot to me even though I haven't known him that long. He doesn't know about blogger but he knows I've been dealing with eating issues. I even showed him pictures of my lower weights. So yeah... I really like him... But we'll see how this goes... Hopefully I'll be back soon.

~kes

Moving

My weight hasn't changed much. Although a period had a bit to do with that. I'm in the process of moving back in with my mother. It's good and bad. A lot of changes are going to be made. I'm going to try to swich jobs. I'm going to try to go to counseling. I'm going to try to get out of debt. I'm going to try to take some tests for college credit and then try to go to college. A lot of this should've happened already. But I was in a relationship that was holding me back. I thought it would be like a slingshot and pull me back just to fly me quickly forward and a lot of good things would happen. But nothing good was coming. It was just holding me back and making me miserable. We fought all the time. I wanted to be an adult and sit down and make a budget and figure out who would pay for what and how to get debts paid off and how to move forward. He wouldn't. I couldn't get any closer to any of my goals. Now he's gone and already seeing someone else. I honestly think something was going on between them before. He was/is a very active snapchat user and once brought up how I would feel if someone sent him nudes. So I think she probably was sending him nudes and they were probably flirting for a while. There's almost 10 years age difference so I really don't think it'll work out in the long run. I am going to use my single-dom to improve myself. And I deserve to be with someone who encourages me to be the best me that I can be and not hold me back. Time to start improving.

~kes

Stressed

It's been a stressful however long it's been since my last post. My weight is up and I'm not sure why. I really hope I'm not getting my period and it's just from stress and not eating right. It's been stressful because of work and Christmas coming up and birthdays. And not having money and wanting to do so many things and wanting to buy so many things for other people. I'm hoping after Christmas is over I'm less stressed and I can have more free time to exercise and cook healthy low calorie foods for me. I need to appear like I'm being healthy and eating enough calories. After the new year I should have plenty of time to exercise after work on Mondays and Tuesdays because I should be getting off work at 2 pm. I'll have time to rest after work and even nap first if I wanted. My life is very much not exciting right now. I'll probably start looking for a new job after the start of the new year also. I need out of debt and I need to lose weight. I can't believe I let myself get this big......

~kes

I Don't Know What to Title This

I'm so unsure what to say. It's so depressing to see so many blogs gone. Some of my favorites are gone. Part of me wants to unfollow every inactive blog I follow and start over. But part of me hopes some will come back. Part of me wants to read the blogs that are inactive that still exist before unfollowing. I'm just so unsure. It's a bit overwhelming. If anyone can point me to active blogs that I may not be following that would be wonderful. I think there's like 3 active/semi-active blogs that aren't truck advertisement blogs in my feed. I would like something new to read while trying to clean out my blogger account of deleted blogs and such. That will take some time. I'm not sure of what else to say right now... I guess goodnight unless it's morning, then good morning. I think I'm gonna take some pills and go to bed.

3 years later

Happy thanksgiving. It's been over 3 years. Wow. I tried to log on but I couldn't figure out which email/password I used. It was saved on the computer I haven't really used in forever. It was broke for over a year so I bought a new one. In those 3 years a lot has happened and at the same time not much has happened. It seems like the community this place used to be has kind of largely fallen apart? Disappeared? Moved elsewhere? My dad passed away in September 2013. I totaled a car. I dated several guys. I was with a guy for about 2 years and that kind of fell apart recently. I honestly think he is dealing with too much stress and refusing to do anything about any of it. He cannot change his dad but he can try harder to budget and get out of debt so he can move out. He is slowly turning into his dad. A fat lazy slob. We used to go to parks and hike and now he can't even walk for 10 minutes without being winded or saying his feet or knees hurt. I've gained quite a bit of weight. I'm trying to get rid of it but it was hard with the lazy boyfriend who only wanted pizza, pasta, mountain dew, and chocolate milk. We'll see how losing weight goes now. The question is, should I come back to this blog or use my current one?